Funny / Command & Conquer: Red Alert 3

Considering that Red Alert 3 is Denser and Wackier than the previous entries this is the inevitable result.

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• There were Valentine's Day videos of the females from the game. Takara's is funny and gives an idea of what to expect, then we get one from one of the actors in the game, Ric Flair.
• Speaking of Flair, marketing for Uprising included videos, videos that consisted of wrestling style promos where he would be attacked by someone in a bear suit, complete with Russian hat and evil glowing red eyes.
• During the Santa Monica mission in the Rising Sun campaign, you can find the EA Games studio not far from your base. The tooltip mentions that the space-time continuum could be irreparably damaged should it come to harm. Destroy it, and one of your soldiers declares that their ill-begotten products shall taint the shelves no more.
  • Doubles as a pragmatic move as well, since the building has some cash crates, and the level's money reserves are very low.
• When President Ackerman betrays you in the Allied campaign, you are tasked with destroying a firebase at Mount Rushmore in order to preserve peace with the Soviets. The firebase is heavily defended, but its real teeth have to be seen to be believed; the defenders have weaponised the presidential busts. George Washington gets Eye Beams!
  Allied soldier: Jefferson! No!
  Allied soldier: Why, Honest Abe, WHY?!
  Allied soldier: But I visited your memorial!!
  Allied soldier: My eyes! The goggles do nothing!
• Infantry units unfortunate enough to cross the range of Tesla-based weaponry or the Magnetic Singularity support power will instantly turn into a skeleton. The epileptic movements along with their death cries that follows shortly after can be considered disturbing yet utterly hilarious.
• This gem from the Soviet campaign:
  Krukov: "You see Commander, while you were hiding behind the barricades of Leningrad, our enemy was thrusting deeply into the Motherland's tender nether-regions."
  • Bonus points for the Aside Glance Dasha Fedorovich gives as he says it. Imagine how many takes Andrew Divoff and Ivana Miličević had to do to get that one straight.
• The various lines you hear from soldiers at certain points.
  Conscript: How did Allies get aircraft carrier into lake?! It would take many men and hours to carry!^note  Reality Is Unrealistic: The US Navy fielded two aircraft carriers, USS Wolverine and USS Sable, on the Great Lakes during World War II. They were modified Great Lakes steamships and were too small and slow to serve as operational carriers, but did fine for training pilots.
  Imperial Warrior: Satellites? Such inelegant weapons.
  Engineer: Put money in bag. I will not ask second time.
  Spy: Damn bears! Must've smelled my aftershave.
• Lieutenant Eva: "Flirting? I was just... making conversation!"
• The enemy Commanders in Uprising's "Commander's Challenge" are all a riot, but this little "bonus video" (after beating all the main missions and bonus missions) certainly takes the cake, combining all the best "WHAT?"s, "This Cannot Be!"s, and even a Precision S Strike at the end... sorta...
• The spy briefly showing his James Bond-esque lecherous nature at the beginning of the mission where he has to collaborate with Tanya
  Hmm, Tanya, she intrigues me...
• The bloopers:
  • Notably the problems with the word Man-cannon, JK Simmons even comments on the absurdity of the concept. "Really?" (eyebrows up).
  • Peter Stormare saying "Red Alert Number 3" while making a number 4 with one of his hands.
• From the Conscript. "As a child I always dreamed of torpedo attack on dolphin!" Even funnier because doing so triggers said line.
• In the Soviet campaign, the Russians launch an attack on the Allied headquarters in Geneva. Apparently the most logical plan is to teleport in a fleet.
  Conscript: Neutrality? (spits) Switzerland, please explain massive Allied military base!
• The Conscript in general is a gold mine of hilarious quotes. During your assault on New York, he implies that your name really is commander!
  Conscript: New York will soon be renamed Commandergrad! I think...
• The entire cinematic where the Emperor's son warns him about an impending treaty-breaking surprise attack on... Pearl Harbor. The Emperor immediately says the islands are filled with historical monuments and half the Japanese fleet is stationed there, there's no way the Allies would be dumb enough to try that. The scene's played completely seriously (since WWII never happened in this timeline) but the player will likely be laughing aloud.
  • Unless you are scratching your head wondering how the Empire got Pearl Harbor without a World War II, considering the points of divergence are all after the Great War and even more after the USA's annexation of Hawaii.
• Checking one of the terminals on the final level of the Yuriko mini-campaign in Uprising yields this gem:
  Yuriko Omega: This is a laundry list. Literally. What do they need with 2000 plaid skirts?
• A Self-Imposed Challenge involves killing the Emperor the final time in the Soviet campaign with the same Conscript as before. Obviously this would require the use of Natasha/Tesla Trooper dampeners and a lot of firepower to get even close to finishing him off, but still.
  • Even better is how you ended up with that sorry Conscript in the first place: Your massive, much touted Invasion Force airdrop into the mission area is entirely shot down by Imperial anti-air, leaving you with a sole surviving Conscript and your co-commander with a War Bear. You're expected to take out the Emperor anyway. Everyone immediately lampshades how ridiculous the situation is.
    Dasha: I know that's not much of an invasion force, but try to find the Emperor. I'll see if I can get you some reinforcements. (Aside Glance)
    Moskvin: So this is our army for taking out the Emperor?! That's it?!
• When President Ackerman is revealed to be a robot expy in the Japanese campaign, his controls are destroyed in anger when they learn that there is no "divine order", causing Ackerman to spaz out, full with smoke pouring out of his ears. J.K. Simmons losing his shit is a sight to behold.]
  Bingham: (upon seeing Ackerman freaking out) Oh my God...What the bloody hell?!
• The Soviets get two faction powers that have a somewhat hilarious correlation. The Magnetic Satellite power uses a giant space magnet to suck vehicles into space. The Orbital Drop power takes random space debris and throws it at the targeted area. Said space debris includes satellites, bits of rock and the vehicles you suck up with the Magnetic Satellite. Nothing quite beats levelling an enemy tank column by throwing their previous tank column at it from space.
• The Soviet Hammer tank has the ability to leech weapons from destroyed enemy vehicles with its Leech Beam. This doesn't seem funny at first, until you manage to leech weapon from King Oni - precisely, this will place a mecha's Eye Beam shooting head on the left side of tank's turret. It gets more ridiculous when you leech weapon from an Aircraft Carrier, which gives your tanks a One-Hit-Point Wonder attack drone. In Uprising, one of the Soviet levels involves freeing prisoners from Allied internment camps, in the form of Hammer Tanks, which come with pre-installed weapons. One of them has a Future Tank cannon, which is ludicrously oversized in comparison to the rest of it
• Premier Cherdenko gets one particular line that was so hilarious even Tim Curry seemed to be struggling to say it with a straight face.
  Premier Cherdenko: Commander! You've rained on my glorious parade! For this, I'm sending everything I got at you, but I won't let you have the satisfaction of catching me. I'm escaping to the one place that hasn't been corrupted by capitalism... SPACE!
• The sheer contrast between Oleg as an ally and as an enemy in Skirmish Mode is this, considering that he's easily the happiest to see you out of all the AI commanders, yet his lines as an enemy have him either issuing not so subtle threats or downright stating that he sees defeating you as euthanizing you.
• Most of the FutureTank's lines when they get damaged are standard robotic phrases, such as "Systems Damaged!" and "Under Attack!", but the last two are "Spare my life!" and "Do not hurt me!". In the same deep, reverbrating, mechanical voice that they speak the rest of their lines in.
• Emperor Yoshiro's legendary string of insults, especially how he seems to run out of eloquence by the end of it:
  Emperor Yoshiro: Your intellect is as weak as your dollar. Failure is your destiny. You disrespect yourself and your nation. You are made of stupid.
• Tanya's lines when commanded to take to the water are typical swimming-related wordplay, except for the very last one.
  Tanya: I'm good for a swim!
  Tanya: Let's hit some waves!
  Tanya: I'm part barracuda!
• The tutorials. Somehow, they managed to make three tanks have crazy amounts of expression.
  • The Guardian tank is the normal somewhat jolly one who drops lines and also reacts to the Hammer tank (even shaking his turret at one point to a statement it made)
  • The Hammer/Apocalypse Tank is the comic relief, often getting shot by the Tsunami tank for saying stupid things. He even gets a glowup in the final mission by becoming an Apocalypse Tank!
  • The Tsunami Tank is the stoic one, who often blasts the Hammer tank for saying dumb things.
  • The Tsunami Tank making a jab at the Hammer tank.. by using him as the test dummy for the player.
    Tsunami Tank: Now then, use the S.H.R.I.N.K. beam on my good friend the Soviet Hammer Tank.
    Hammer Tank: Wait, what? No, not me again!
    The Hammer Tank will immediately begin driving around erratically until the S.H.R.I.N.K. ray is used on it.
    Hammer Tank, now shrunken:''' Aaaaaaaaaah I'm melting! (when you use the shrink ray on it)
    • You can use shrink ability on Tsunami Tank or Guardian Tank instead if you like.
      Tsunami Tank: Betrayed! After all we've been through!
      Guardian Tank: Oh, so that's how it is then?!
• Like in Red Alert 2, the role of slow, powerful Mammoth tank in Tiberian series is filled by the Apocalpyse tank. For 2009's April Fools though, there's an actual Mammoth Tank, as in, a mammoth with tank turret.

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