Episode 1 note Leonardo Leonardo Returns and Dante Has an Important Decision to Make
The beginning message for the pilot.
Announcer: What follows is the fabled lost pilot to Clerks. Originally planned to air May 31, 2000, it was lost on the test audience who hated it, and was eventually lost under a pile of unaired Wonderland and Wasteland episodes.note Both of these series are real-life ABC series that were also quickly cancelled. Unfortunately, someone found it and now you're going to have to watch it. Tune in next week for a much better episode, but for now, though...courage.
After the message? "Previously on Clerks." Then? Color Bars.
After the episode: "Next week on Clerks." Color Bars.
Because we're on public TV and this is a cartoon, Jay and Silent Bob are not allowed to deal drugs... however, selling illegal fireworks and dynamite to children is A-OK. Their total lack of concern for the kids' safety is what really sells it.
Dante: Are you crazy?! These kids could really hurt themselves with this stuff! Jay;(cheerfully) Hurt themselves? Heck, man, they could blow their hands off!
"Haven't you heard?? He has returned!" "Oh no. Jesus??"
Dante and Randal's plan to discover Leonardo's evil scheme by having Randal dress up as a rich widow and become Leonardo's fiance. Also, the fact that their entire plan is stolen from an episode of The Secret Diary of Desmond Pfeiffer that's about the exact same thing.
Followed by the actual attempt to scale the building, which is far more difficult than expected.
Leonardo Leonardo making his fortune by traveling "into the unexplored wilds of Canada", which is revealed to be inhabited by tribes of wildmen. He trades them their mineral rights in return for the polio virus, which the chieftain gleefully drinks... then dies.
The Quicker Stop, LL's convenience store which is really more of a giant mega mall. In the end, it gets blown up by Jay and Silent Bob.
Jay: (as he and Silent Bob emerge from the ash cloud) Yo, youse guys wanna buy some fireworks?!
Randall blowing an amazing offer Leonardo gives him and Dante because he gets annoyed over Leonardo taking a phone call during their conversation.
Randal and Dante passing the time by doing impressions of the other store owners who were forced out of business by Quicker Stop.
Randal: Please, help us, we're going to starve! Dante: Uhhh, the guy who owns the butcher shop! Randall: No, listen; Help us! Who will feed my children, they're dying!! *collapses* Dante: Ohh, the Card Shop guy!
Jay and Silent Bob dramatically announcing their resignations from Quick Stop, as they're going to move to hanging out in front of the Quicker Stop instead, and dont seem to grasp it when Randall explains to them that they never worked there in the first place.
Leonardo's weird, unexplained grudge against the original Quick Stop, which is the whole reason he created the Quicker Stop.
Episode 2 note The Clipshow Wherein Dante and Randal are Locked in the Freezer and Remember Some of the Great Moments in Their Lives
The whole premise of the show's second episode being a clip show, meaning that all the clips aren't just from the lone previous episode, but also thepresentone!
Randal and a British customer's confusion over the word "fag."
Customer: Pack of fags? Randal: You're a fag! Customer: It's a cigarette, mate. Randal: I'm not your mate, fag! (Randal jumps from behind the counter and attacks the customer)
Immediately followed up with this scene:
Dante: Boy, it wasn't until years later that we found out what "fag" really meant, heh, right mate? Randal:You're a fag! Dante: No, uh — a fag's a cigarette, remember? Randal:You're a cigarette!
This dialogue:
Woman:(holding the rented video) It's 3am, my baby has been home alone since yesterday morning. Where have you been? Randal: Sorry, we're closed. (pushed the woman out) Woman: But I-- (Randal closes the door and locks it. He accidentally breaks the key in the lock.) Randal: Uh oh, the key broke. Dante: We're locked in? Again?! (Dante and Randal bang the door) Randal: Hello?! Anyone out there?! Lady with the dead baby?! (the customers have already left)
The montage of celebrities who've come into the store, all of whom Dante and Randal were either unimpressed with or outwardly hostile to. Especially Ted Danson ("It's payback time!" Throws brick).
The Flintstones' List, Liam Neeson as Frednote it should be noted that the version shown on ABC didn't have the part where Fred orders the cavemen into the cattle cars; instead, they replaced it with a shot of Dante and Randall watching the TV while Flintstones music played. The actual, unaltered scene is only available on DVD and when the show reran on Cartoon Network and Comedy Central.
"Fred" Take them away! (A group of sad-looking cavemen are loaded onto foot-powered cattle cars, all while peppy Flintstones-esque music plays)
And before that.
Dante: We're not watching that. (Beat) Hey, remember the time we watched that.
On the DVD Commentary, Kevin Smith said that his favorite line in the episode was Jeff Anderson's reading of "Boy, Happy Days was a great show!"
Dante reminiscing about all the "cool celebrities" that had stopped by over the years, but the flashbacks just show Randall and Dante verbally abusing them for no reason.
Jerry Seinfeld: Hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld! Dante: I don't care, I'm on a break. Seinfeld: Why does 2% milk- Dante: I'm on a break, get out of here!!
Randall: Up yours, Matt Damon! (throws a cup of soda at Damon from a passing car)
Episode 3 note Leonardo Is Caught in the Grip of an Outbreak of Randal's Imagination and Patrick Swayze Either Does or Doesn't Work in the New Pet Store
This exchange:
Randal: Man, didn't you see Outbreak? One monkey almost wiped out an entire town—andKevin Spacey—with the deadly Motaba virus. Dante: Uh, that was a movie. This is real life. Randal: You said the same thing about Jaws when we were kids. Dante: Because you refused to sit on the toilet! Randal: Sharks swim in water, there's water in the toilet. I rest my case. Dante: Sharks only swim in saltwater. Randal: I have saltwater in my toilet. Dante: You're so naive.
When Dante and Randal come across a caged monkey in the pet store:
Randal: As God is my witness, monkey, you are not going to infect this town with your deadly virus. Look how scared he is. He's shaking. Dante: No. He's masturbating. Randal: Yeah, but it's out of fear.
The mayor shows up in a Mayor McCheese character costume because he was on his way to a costume party and can't get it off. He expresses certainty the quarantine bubble was erected by underground mole people, only to realize his aides lied to him.
And later on, the police chief appears dressed as Constable Big Mac—arriving in from a costume party (but not the same costume party). He can take off his costume, but he keeps it on to protect himself from the outbreak.
Steve-Dave: Will this administration ever bring the Hamburglar to justice? Police Chief: No. Yes. Look, does anyone have a question about the deadly virus that could kill us all? Reporter: Could the virus kill the Grimace? Police Chief:Nothing can kill the Grimace.
Jay & Silent Bob are passing the time by breathing in helium-like gas.
(Jay takes a deep breath, and speaks in a squeaky chipmunk voice.) Jay:Be good! Phone home! (Silent Bob breathes in, and characteristically remains silent.) Jay: ...It's only funny when you talk, stupid.
The whole conversation between the two giggling girls:
Giggling girl: Okay, when was the last time you had sex? Dante: About a year ago. Giggling girls: A year? (both giggle) Dante: This stinks. Randal: Shut up. Maybe we'll have sex with them. (The two girls overhear with shocked faces.)
The whole exchange where LL buys the rotten burritos:
Then, after a sickened LL tries to sing "La Cucaracha" and looking Green Around the Gills, Randal directs them to the hospital- which is next to the city dump. Followed by Randal's brain calculation, with Dustin Hoffman being replaced by Al Pacino due to legal issues.
Announcer:Owing to the recent lawsuit by Dustin Hoffman over alleged unofficial use of his likeness, the part of Dustin Hoffman in Randal's mental calculations will be played by... Al Pacino! Randal: Oh my god, it's happening! Just like in that (AL PACINO) movie!
When Dante tries to explain to the government agents that there isn't actually any virus:
Randal: Have you started burning bodies? I want a front row seat for the pyre! Tell me you haven't burned Dante yet... (notices Dante's there)Oh, Dante, you're alive. Thank God. Dante: Look, there's no Motaba virus here! Randal:(whispering to Baklava) That's the virus speaking - let's move up his burning.
Baklava says that the government has agreed to make Dante and Randall's last day alive perfect, so how do they spend it? By driving back and forth to a fast food place TWICE because it got their burgers wrong both times, then spend their last few hours writing a complaint letter to the company. And they still consider the experience to have been fulfilling.
Episode 4 note A Dissertation on the American Justice System by People Who Have Never Been Inside a Courtroom, Let Alone Know Anything About the Law, but Have Seen Way Too Many Legal Thrillers
Randal wants to work Dante's opening shift:
"If I can dress myself, I'm sure I can open the Quick Stop." *gets out of car, revealing he's still in his boxers* "Call me if you have any problems." "Please. It'll be as simple as driving a car." *gets into driver's seat, drives offscreen* "WHERE ARE MY PANTS?!" *CRASH*
Later in that same episode:
Customer:I'M GONNA BURN THIS PLACE INTO THE GROUND! AND PEE-PEE ON THE ASHES!! Dante: Who's that? Randal: That's Regis.
Randal tries to take Dante's legal matters into his own hands:
Randal: Are you the man I'm supposed to see? X: You can call me "X". I was in Black Ops, '61 to '63. Covert stuff involving the C.I.A. and donkey shows. All of it illegal, all of it very... EROTIC. What I'm gonna tell you is strictly top secret. Randal: You know who's behind all this? X: You're asking the wrong questions. The "who" and "what" are scenery. Ask the big one: "Why?" Why did they want this man tried? (footage of Jay being shot like JFK is shown) Why is this sending shock waves through the corridors of power in Washington? Who benefits? Randal: You said not to ask "who." X: Just this once is okay. Randal: So what does this have to do with Dante and the Quick Stop? X: Dante? Quick Stop? Well, you see... (abruptly runs away)
Randal harassing an attorney to take the case against the Quick Stop. Up to standing outside his apartment when he gets his morning paper:
Randal: How the hell can you sleep at night? You and your pajamas that fit and your underwear with the elastic in the waistband that's still good? Take the case!
Randal calling George Lucas to the stand and grilling him over the failings of The Phantom Menace, especially after Lucas said it was better than The Empire Strikes Back.
Randal: Permission to treat this witness as hostile. Mr. Lucas, how do you explain that in Star Wars, Obi-Wan tells Luke that when he met his father he was a great pilot, but in Menace, he's just a little boy? Lucas: Uh, well, my kids thought— Randal: And how come Obi-Wan tells Luke that Yoda is the Jedi that trained him, but in the movie, Liam Neeson trains Obi-Wan? Lucas: Uh, well, the power of myth— Randal: Isn't it true you knew this was a bad movie?! That you wrote over it a weekend but kept tellin' people it was done for years?! Lawyer: Objection, your honor! The pod race was pretty cool.
"What was the deal with Hook? I want my eight bucks back."
Episode 5 note Dante and Randal and Jay and Silent Bob and a Bunch of New Characters and Lando, Take Part in a Whole Bunch of Movie Parodies Including But Not Exclusive To, The Bad News Bears, The Last Starfighter, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, Plus a High School Reunion
After Randal's bottle miraculously makes it across the world to Dante, we have this exchange:
Dante: We're going to the Little League World Series! Boys, break out the champagne! Kid: Coach Dante, this champagne has a note in it. Dante: Then throw it out! (The kid shrugs and throws the bottle in a dumpster)
Followed by this dialogue:
Randal:(getting whipped) Ow! Dante's gonna come. Ow! Dante's gonna come. Ow! (Dante, Jay, and the kids in a very awkwardly animated conga line) Dante: We're still going to the Little League World Series!
"You, take break! For break, get whipped while pull cart with teeth!"
The assembled group finds Dr. Ram conducting the cult ceremony, where a man's heart is ripped out.
Jay: Yeah, tear his heart out! [Cultists look up at them] Ram: Great, that just ruins everything. [puts heart back in] Thanks a bunch. Get them. Jay: I think they spotted us, Coach Dante. Dante:Really?
Jay: "We've got a delivery. A SPECIAL DELIVERY OF PAIN!!!"
Episode 6 note The Last Episode Ever
Taking questions at the fan convention:
Fan 1: Are you guys gay or what? Dante: No! Fan 2: Yeah. I love the movie Clerks. But I think your show sucks hard. It's in color, right? And nobody curses. It's nothing like the movie, with all the monkeys and the Little League stuff. And the evil billionaire guy, like it's on The Simpsons! (cut to Leonardo Leonardo and Mr. Plug in baseball uniforms followed by a "D'oh!") And, oh, I think you guys come off as gay on the show. Randal: That wasn't even a question!
And:
Fan 3: I want to know how little you sold out for, and what it's like to have no soul and a black heart. Also, when will Ellen be guesting on your very gay show? Dante: I can't believe it! They hate the show! Randal: Yeah, and they think you're gay.
All the customers in the last episode, coming into the Quick Stop to talk about the bizarre things happening at the fair across the street. The highlight being Jay and Silent Bob, who periodically come in to complain how much the fair sucks, while clearly having the time of their lives there... and report on Caitlin's sexual exploits to an increasingly frustrated Dante. It culminates in this:
Jay: Let's get back to the sucky fair, Silent Bob. I wanna get in line for that Caitlin chick's kissing booth. Dante: What?! Caitlin has a kissing booth? Like for charity? Jay: Yeah — only it don't cost nothing and it's not for charity. *Jay and Silent Bob exit, then re-enter* Jay: And there's no booth. *Jay and Silent Bob exit, then re-enter* Jay: And there's more than just kissing. *Jay and Silent Bob exit, then re-enter* Jay: And you don't have to be a guy. *Jay and Silent Bob exit, then re-enter* Jay: Dude, she's cheating on you. *Jay and Silent Bob exit* Randal: So much for Dante & Caitlyn 2: Electric Boogaloo. Dante: I think I hate her.
What's also funny about that scene, is the fact Silent Bob enters with Jay without saying anything.
Randal apparently dislike the Golden Girls, and hence harassed the actresses; Dante told him hating the show would result in them being nearly arrested by the FBI. Randal has no regrets.
Randal hypocritically ranting about why soccer is worse than hockey.
Randal: Like it's so stupid how they use nets in soccer. Dante: Hockey uses nets. Randal: Yeah, but in soccer, the object is to get the ball past a goalie. That's so dumb. Dante: There are goalies in hockey, too. Randal:[beat] Dude, Caitlin's cheatin' on you.
The sequence with the two freakshow performers (a pair of pinheads), and their interaction showing that them and Dante/Randal are quite similar, after they accidentally break a jar and freak out, with Dante calming them down.
The exact same dialogue then plays out again, as the pinheads watch Randal force Dante to press his bare butt against the door window in exchange for lending him five bucks (the only difference being their high-pitched voices).
Pinhead One: Yipes. Just Yiiiipes...
Pinhead Two: Yah. You fink they're cogniscant of how bad they got it?
), and their interaction showing that them and Dante/Randal are quite similar, after they accidentally break a jar and freak out, with Dante calming them down.Randal: Yipes. Just yipes.Randal: Let's hope not. Poor bastards...