Funny / Bill Engvall

• The entire skit about idealized sex, in which he points out that a girl's panties cannot be ripped off her body unless there's a hole already in them. Otherwise, you're just jerking on her underwear. "Thanks for the wedgie, Romeo."
• "HERE'S THE LITTLE GIRL NARROW PADS, DADDYYYYY!" "...Thank you, son. Listen, I don't think they heard you in SCOTLAND!"
  • "What're we gonna get, daddy?" "A gun to kill myself."
• Earlier in the same skit, his daughter asked him to pick up "some Barenaked Ladies". He gets excited and says "don't tell your mama" until he realizes that it's a band.
• In one skit, he notices that factory outlet malls suddenly seem to be everywhere. He then asks who's going to buy a pair of pants with a collar, or a Bible with typos in it ("The word of Gob").
• One time, his son asked him "Daddy, what's petting?" Cue Bill saying "Hell, it's been so—" before getting punched by his wife. "Apparently your mother wants me to explain it to you." He then starts to talk about the birds and the bees, and then when his son becomes confused, Bill says, "Wait a minute, spell it." "P-E-D X-I-N-G." "That'd be a crosswalk, son." "I know, but what was that other thing?" Bill now looks to his wife, who says, "You threw the lure, you reel it in."
• His entire bit about getting to fly in an F-16 at Nellis Air Force Base, it's especially funny if you have ever served in the United States Air Force and/or worked on aircraft because it's not as exaggerated as you might believe.^{Fun Fact} All conversations that happen in aircraft with ground control are recorded, so that part where he is talks about screaming like a little girl? They probably still have it and laugh at it whenever they want to.
  • "The guy's flying the plane, and I'm sitting in the back, going "AHHHH! AHHH! AHHH!" And then he turns the plane upside-down—We're flying upside-down! And you can hear me, at 49 years old, on the cockpit tape, screaming, "MAMA! MAMA!" He flips the plane back over, looks back at me, and says, "You alright back there?" And I go, "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!?""
• During one of the Blue Collar shows, Jeff Foxworthy tells a "You might be a redneck" joke which involves emptying the back of a truck by driving backwards really fast and slamming on the brakes. Cue Bill proudly raising his hand to identify himself as the inspiration for that joke.
  • Also in one of the Blue Collar shows, the story about Bill and the floor buffer:
    Jeff: [during Jeff's "You Might Be a Redneck"] If you have ever ridden an electric floor buffer...
    Bill: [raising his hand, embarrassed] All right, wait, wait, wait! Tequila was involved, get off me!
    Jeff: [turning to Ron White] I wonder how many times his wife has said that!
  • The idea of riding an electric floor buffer is also especially funny if you have ever served in the military. Go ahead and YouTube it.
  • And to round off Bill's contributions to the "You might be a redneck" jokes, after laughing hysterically at one of Jeff's jokes ^note "If you have ever worn a tubetop to a funeral home...", Bill comes up with one of his own: "If you've ever opened a beer during a eulogy... you might be a redneck."
    Jeff: I'm just guessing - one of your relatives.
    Bill: My Uncle Jack. We weren't even outside, we were in the CHURCH! And the Reverend had just finished the eulogy and we heard 'pfft!' And we looked in the back, and he's sitting with a beer, and he goes "What?"
• "Just Sell Him For Parts" has just an amazing conga line of ailments. First he wrecks his knee on Dancing with the Stars and requires knee replacement surgery. Two days after being discharged, he gets a kidney stone and has to have his narrow urethra stretched out to get it removed. Two days after that, he gets shingles! By the end he's scared of going to the doctor.
  • The Dancing With The Stars bit is also pretty funny. Basically, what happens when an Elimination Houdini just wants to get off the show and his fans won't let him?

---