Funny / Behind the Bastards

• On the Nestor Makhno episode, Evans tells guest Jamie Loftus that Bat'ko means "boss" then mentions in an aside that the word actually means "daddy". He lied to her since due to Loftus' penchant for sexual based humor, the truth would had hopelessly derailed the episode. The moment is later referenced in future episodes with Loftus when she joking calls him out on it and Evans replies that he is not proud of what he did, but he felt it was necessary in the name of Saving Christmas.
• In the 2021 episode on Wally George, Evans and guest Tom Reimann describe George's appearance as "if the Shredder dumped mutagen on a pile of cocaine" and "if a vampire bit Julian Assange."
• Sophie's response whenever Robert wants to emulate his idol L. Ron Hubbard and buy a boat so he can force his followers to search for gold.
• In the "Hitler's Drug Problem" episode, Robert notes that while Hitler was a staunch vegetarian, many of the drugs he took were of animal origin. Robert then jokingly wonders if there were any Nazis or Neo-Nazis who learned of this fact and it caused them to lose all faith in Hitler.
  Robert: Just some big burly dude with "1488" tattooed on his forehead tearfully tearing down his Hitler posters and yelling "I DON'T BELIEVE IN ANYTHING ANYMORE!".
• Robert and guests Jordan and Dan discuss the "hilariously named" Felix Frankfurter who was once the professor of Robert Welch before he founded the John Birch Society and comment on the "boy named Sue" effect such a name would create which is probably why he eventually became a Supreme Court Justice. They also speculate on what would happen if you accidentally called him Justice Hotdog and how he would have to recuse himself from any case involving John Kerry (who is married to a member of the Heinz family).
• Robert's "very racist" Irish accent in the introduction to the second half of "How The Catholic Church Murdered Ireland's Babies", which caused him and episode guest Sofiya Alexandra to joke that accent just cost him all seven of his Irish listeners... And gained him twice that number in new English ones.
• From the 3/8/22 episode about the Moonies: "Finally, humans are unionizing against God."
• In the Clarence Thomas episodes, a conversation leads to Robert suggesting that the US start bombing the capital of Poland. However, Robert forgets the name of the capital of Poland^note It's Warsaw and refers to it as "Poland Town."
• The Steven Seagal episodes feature none other than Seanbaby of Cracked fame. Naturally, funny moments (and Seagal impressions) abound.
  Robert: ...and soon thereafter, quote, "professed to his parents that he was not of this cosmic realm."
  Seanbaby: (in a Steven Seagal voice) I learned from karate class that I came from space.
• Guest Matt Lieb using the air horn after a particularly grim bit of history about Oskar Dirlewanger. And him and Robert screwing around with the sound board for a good part of the episode.
  • The soundboard returned for the 4 parter on Josef Mengele, now with Jar-Jar quotes (and Matt also had auto-tune). The hosts, as well as a number of listeners, stated that, given the subject matter, Jar-Jar kind of saved the episodes from being TOO dark.
• Sophie is positively offended when Robert accidentally calls her dog Anderson "he."
• From the first part of the Napoleon III episodes:
  Matt Lieb: That's what this podcast is about. Not trying.
  Evans: You're god damned right it is, Matt Lieb.
• Robert's 100% accurate Bostonian accent from the Andrew Tate episode. No-one listening to it seem to be able to agree exactly what it's supposed to represent, with "drowning Western Australian" being but one of many, many options.
• "Part Two: Peter Nygard: The Epstein of Fashion" describes the titular bastard's incredibly ridiculous feud against his neighbor (and billionaire) Louis Bacon. At one point, Nygard tries to smear Bacon by...commissioning a commercial with Bacon's face superimposed on footage of the Twin Towers falling.
  Robert: (absolutely losing it) He 9/11'd him!
  Sophie: He 9/11'd him.
  Robert: He 9/11'd him! That doesn't even make sense!
• At the end of the "Last Days of L. Ron Hubbard" two parter they listen to "Thank You For Listening" as sung by L. Ron himself. His singing voice is compared to a dinosaur in a children's cartoon.
• In the first part of "How the Dilbert Guy Lost His Mind" Robert reveals that Scott Adams' early attempts at Theme Naming almost led Dogbert to being named "Dildog." Sophie and guest Randy Milholland proceed to LOSE THEIR MINDS.
• "The Third Meme War" from the latter half of the "Qanon Grifter Bill Mitchell" episode, a radio play-style story made for Robert by his guests from the QAnon Anonymous podcast. The story covers Robert (voicing his own lines) being drafted as a war correspondent for the titular war against the fiendish shadow-bans, while having to deal with a "Groundhog Day" Loop and a man on a permanent cocaine high.
  Evans: I should have stayed in fucking Iraq.
• From the 8/15/23 episode:
  Jamie Loftus: I don't know who needs to hear this, but we really just need people to stop fucking Sam Bankman-Fried.
• Sophie, of all people, gets a great zinger after seeing the results of someone trying to make high meat (read: meat left out at room temperature in a glass jar to ferment) in "The Primal Diet con":
  Sophie: This is what Chuck Grassley's semen looks like.
• In the opening of "The Ballad of Bill Gates", when naming Gates' parents, Robert dryly says "His father was William H. Gates Sr., who used to be alive, but now is not that." You can hear guest Andrew Ti chuckling in the background.
• Anything during the multi-parter on Henry Kissinger where anyone impersonates Nixon, particularly the bits where Nixon theorizes the one in the White House leaking information to the press is just himself when he’s blackout drunk and where everyone impersonates Nixon showing Ford around the White House which is just a long line of gags about how drunk and/or paranoid Nixon is at all times.
  • Guests Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds, while going over how Nixon and Kissinger were wiretapping everyone in the administration, start making jokes about Kissinger having the FBI wiretap himself. After a few moments of everyone having a good laugh over the absurdity, Robert finally chimes in to let them know he actually did in fact have himself wiretapped. Cue both guests utterly incredulous at the ridiculousness of it all.
• During the episode on the Southern Baptist Convention, Katy Stoll goes on a thoughtful and heartfelt dialogue on how sad it is for some (like the women in the SHC) to be participants in their own discrimination and how disgusting it is for patriarchal fundamentalist systems to oppress those for simply not being male or heterosexual. Robert solemnly agrees and then notes that the SBC’s denial of power to people didn’t extend to white male missionaries who were turned out to be child predators. Katy abruptly and sincerely responds with “What the fuuuuuuuuck?!?!”
• The episode on "The Searchers" led to a Running Gag of insinuating guest Jamie Loftus was secretly responsible for a hammer-based murder in Grand Rapids, Michigan. This came to a head in part 3:
  Robert: November 4th, 2009.
  (dramatic piano music begins in the background)
  Robert: A Wednesday, Grand Rapids, Michigan.
  Jamie: ...Oh my god...
  Robert: At a 7-11 store, four bodies are found by police, just a little before midnight.
  Jamie: ...Mm-hmm...
  Robert: Where was Jamie Loftus during this horrible crime?
  Sophie: (trying heroically not to burst out laughing)
  Robert: That, is the question we're going to answer today, on this episode of Behind the Bastards.
  (music stops)
  Robert: I'm Robert Evans.
  Jamie: ...I was in high school. I was in high school, Robert!
  Sophie: Allegedly!
  Robert: Oh, oh, and we didn't all watch Serial and learn that high schoolers can murder, Jamie! Maybe!

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