Vicki Vale:[looks up at ceiling] Bats... Batman:[walks by one in a cage] They're great survivors.
Jack Nicholson's Joker has plenty of his own funny moments, but his reaction to the Batwing whisking away the Smilex gas-dispensing balloons is priceless: "HE STOLE MY BALLOONS! Why didn't somebody tell me that he had one of those... things?" He promptly asks his right-hand man for a gun — and shoots him.
Joker: Bob. Gun. *bang!* I'm going to need a minute or two alone, boys.
"Uh oh! He don't look happy. ["NOT AN ACTOR!"] He's been using Brand Xxxxxsssssssssss.["OH NO!"] But with new and improved Joker brand, I get a grin! Again, and again!
"With that luscious tan, those ruby lips, and hair color so natural, only your undertaker knows for sure!"
Followed by the newscasters forced on the air sans any hygiene or beauty products. They don't even comb their hair.
Near the end, Bruce is shown watching the commercial. It's clear he finds it difficult to accept just what he's seeing.
"I know what you're saying! 'Where can I get these fine new items?' Well, that's the gag. Chances are, you bought 'em already! Hoohahaha!"
The Joker mimicking Carl Grissom's "YOU are my NUMBER ONE GUY!" when giving orders to Bob. It was clearly sarcastic when Grissom did it, but the Joker just takes it up to eleven, complete with bad breathing right in the middle!
It's quite hilarious to see Jack Nicholson do a spot-on impersonation of someone else (Jack Palance) since he's one of the most impersonated people on Earth!
The Joker's hilariously feeble attempt to avoid getting smacked around by Batman by putting on fake glasses.
The Joker tries to sock Batman in the gut. He just ends up bruising his own hand.
This dialogue between Lt. Eckhart and Knox.
Knox: You know what they say? They say [Batman] can't be killed. They say he drinks blood. They say— Eckhart:I say, you're full of shit, Knox. Oh, and uh... you can quote me on that. [flicks his cigar at him] Knox: Lieutenant, is there a six-foot bat in Gotham City? And if so, is he on the police payroll? And if so... what's he pulling down, after taxes?
Knox's fellow Gotham Gazette reporters ridiculing his "bat man" idea, right down to the cartoonist handing him a drawing of a giant vampire bat... in a suit.
Knox: Very funny. Needs a little more blood around the fangs though, huh? [walks away] What a dick...
"Are you deaf? You don't speak English?"
"Mr. Knox, we have enough problems in the city without worrying about ghosts and goblins."
"That's not a denial!"
"Check this out. He must have been King of the Wicker People."
"Actually, he's Japanese." "How do you know that?" "...Because I bought it in Japan."
Bonus points for Bruce being behind them the whole time they were looking.
And for Robert Wuhl, who ad-libbed his musings on Bruce's collection.
When Bruce first meets Vicki Vale, he praises her photography of the war in Corto Maltese:
During this same scene, Knox jokingly asks Bruce for a grant. As Bruce leaves at its end, he tells Alfred to open up a few more cases of wine for the guests — and then, as an afterthought, to give Knox the grant he'd requested.
The Joker: So, gentlemen, that's how it is. Until Grissom, uh... [chuckles] ...resurfaces, I'm the acting President, and I say starting with this anniversary festival, we run this city into the ground. Vinnie Ricorso: Why don't we hear this from Grissom? Antoine Rotelli: Yeah. And what's with that stupid grin? The Joker:[beat]...Life's been good to me. Antoine Rotelli: What if we say "no"? The Joker: Well, Tony, [stands up and walks around the table to Rotelli] nobody wants a war. [laughs] And if we can't do business, why? We'll just shake hands, and that'll be it![reaches out his hand for a shake] Antoine Rotelli: Yeah? The Joker: Yeah! [The Joker grabs Rotelli's hand and promptly electrocutes him with a joy buzzer in his palm] The Joker:[acts surprised, looking at other gangsters] Woo! Woo! [chuckles] Oh, I got a live one here! [laughs maniacally while Rotelli catches fire] Oh, there'll be hot time in the Old Town tonight! [The Joker continues to laugh maniacally and eventually releases Rotelli's body, which - now reduced to a blackened, smoldering skeleton - falls back into the chair; at this moment, the Joker's goons enter the room and surround the other bosses, holding them at a gunpoint] The Joker:[laughs while using his hat to fan out the smoke that used to be Rotelli's body fat]Antoine got a little hot under the collar! Vinnie Ricorso:You're crazy. The Joker: Haven't you ever heard of the healing power of laughter? [laughs while wiping his "skin" off to reveal a pale, clownlike skin underneath the forehead]NOW, GET OUTTA HERE!!!![The Joker's goons force the gangsters out of the room] And think it over. [laughs again]
"You are a vicious bastard, Rotelli, and... I'm glad you're dead!BAHAHAHAHAHAHAhahahahaheheheheh!"I'm glad you're dead!" HEHEHEHEHEHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!OHHH, THAT'S A GOOD ONE! "I'M GLAD YOU'RE DEAD!" HAHAHAHAAAHAAAHAAAAHAAAA!"
Shortly after that, the way the Joker kills Ricorso when he is making a public statement about acquiring all of Grissom's businesses—revealing a feather pen that Joker claims Grissom used his own blood to sign it with:
The Joker makes a surprise visit to Vicki's apartment has many moments...
Bruce is trying to apologise / explain for his pushing Vicki away, but she's not letting him get a word in edgewise through her rant about how much of a jerk he was and how much he hurt her. Eventually he decides to take the blunt approach:
Vicki: I trusted you! I even slept with you! I can't believe I did that. And then you wouldn't return my phone calls? You must be some kind of — [Fed up, Bruce gently but firmly shoves her down so that she's sitting on her sofa.] Vicki: — jerk. Bruce: You're a real nice girl, and I like you a lot. But for right now? Shut up.
Bruce Wayne trying, and failing, to stutter out the fact that he is in fact the Batman. The moment Vicki leaves to answer the door, he quickly practices mouthing "I'm the Batman... I'm the Batman..."
Before that, he's rambling on about how normal people live their lives, and how he's different, and how some people might have more complicated sides to them, up to actually leading a double life. Vicki's takeaway from this? "Oh my God, you're married." Bruce backpedals with annoyance.
At the start of Bruce's story to the Joker:
Bruce: Lemme tell you about this guy I know, Jack... mean kid, bad seed. Hurt people. The Joker: I like him already. Bruce: You know what the problem was? He got sloppy. You know, crazy. He started to lose it. He had a head full of bad wiring, I guess. Couldn't keep it straight up here. He was the kind of guy who couldn't hear the train until it was two feet from him.
And this clever one:
The Joker: Bruce... Wayne, n'est-ce pas? ("isn't it so?") Bruce: Most of the time.
Bruce Wayne acting crazy to make The Joker shoot him.
"I'm only laughing on the outside...my smile is just skin deep. If you could see inside, I'm really crying. You might join me for a weep... Ahahahahaha!" *bounds away while blowing a raspberry and doing an aeroplane impression*
Capped off with Vicki opening the "present" Joker left her. A spring-loaded hand shoots out offering her some dead flowers, to which Vicki just passes out. The look on her face before she hits the floor says "yeah, that's about right".
*after the Joker destroys a television with a spring-loaded boxing glove* “Batman? Batman? Can somebody tell me what kind of a world we live where a man dressed up as a BAT gets all of my press?! ...This town needs an enema!” *blows on little party horn*
The Joker's surprise present for Vicki.
"Now you fellas have said some pretty mean things, some of which were true, under the fiend Boss Grissom. He was a thief and a terrorist. On the other hand, he had a tremendous singing voice."
"And where is the Batman? HE'S AT HOME! WASHING HIS TIGHTS!"
Joker's dance with Vicki on top of the old church. And his "BANG!" gun.
This line:
The Joker:[offers Vicki a helping hand] Here, let me lend you a hand. [Vicki grabs his hand, which is a fake, causing her to fall. But Batman saves her] HA HA HA! "Lend you a hand"!
The look Vicki made after Batman saved her in time, as if she's thinking "Why the hell did I fall for that?"
And this:
"They don't make 'em like they used to! [stomps off another brick] Hey gang? Hey Batsy?"
Joker dropping in on Grissom, although the moment is quite frightening in context.
Grissom: That you, sugarbumps? [sees silhouette of a man] Who the hell are you? The Joker: It's me... sugarbumps.
After killing Grissom, he sighs, "Oh, what a day!"
One of the Smilex gas-releasing balloons is in the shape of a crying baby. The gas canisters are located on its diaper. When the canisters start releasing gas it looks like a cartoon depiction of stench emanating from the baby's diapers.
The presence of Lawrence, one of Joker's thugs whose entire job seems to be standing around and blasting music out of a boombox.
A brief moment at the Gotham parade when flying, the Batwing, itself shaped like the bat symbol, flies all the way to the moon and "poses" in front of it then flies off.
Any time Batman fights one of the Joker's thugs:
The sword-swinging thug who seemingly had Batman on the ropes...until Batman decided he'd had enough of his crap and took him down with a single kick to the head.
Groin of mook with knives on his ankles vs. Batman's extendable groin-punching device. Flawless victory!
Bob seems ready to jump into the fray armed with a machete after his comrades have failed and Batman (with a wicked smirk) beckons him over. Cue Bob dropping the weapon and running for his life.
In the bell-tower, one thug (Lawrence) tries pouncing on Batman, only to fall short and have the floorboards give out beneath him. Batman didn't even seem to notice him until he heard his scream and the crash.
The Scary Black Man who gave Batman enough of a fight that he managed to throw Batman down the belltower shaft. When he goes in for a look, Batman's legs swing out and wrap around the goon's neck, then shove him forward so that he brains himself on the bell.
Vicki pretending to give into the Joker's seduction to distract him. The Joker, instead of delighted, seems utterly baffled by her sudden change.
Some alternate takes of Vicki macking on the Joker's suit show her pulling some purple lint off her tongue with a grossed-out look on her face.
As the sequence ends she descends lower and lower on Joker's suit until she goes offscreen. Judging by Joker's dazed, incredulous, expression, it's almost like she's about to give him a blowjob.
"I love purple." Prince even sampled that line for "Partyman" (he pretty much had to!).
As Batman flies at the Joker in his jet, Joker opens his jacket and reveals that he has a pistol on him. He pulls it out to stop Batman... and then it turns out that the barrel of this handgun is three or four feet long! You half-expect a slide whistle sound effect to play as he pulls it out! Batman's absolute stink face upon seeing it is pure gold.
Right before that, Batman, using a targeting scope, fires everything but the kitchen sink at Joker, and misses completely. Funny enough. But what really makes the scene is when Batman whips the scope away from his face, with a look that screams, "Are you shittin' me?!"
"Never rub another man's rhubarb!" Joker after shooting Bruce Wayne
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