Funny / BASEketball

• This dialogue:
  Remer: You think Jenna's got the hots for you? Shit, Squeak has a better shot at it than you do!
  Squeak: You think?
  Coop: That's low, you son of a bitch.
  Squeak: Why is that low?
• When Coop notices the team are off their game:
  Coop: All right guys, what the hell's going on? You guys are lying down out there!
  [His teammates each give him the finger.]
  Coop: (defensively) Oh I get it, you guys are pissed off! (confused) Uh, why?
  
  Remer: That's easy for you to say! You got the team, we got jack-shit! Even Squeak is pissed off!
  Squeak: I don't really mind-
  Remer: SHUT UP, BITCH!!
• Coop and Remer's psyche-outs, which run the gamut from gleefully offensive to Nausea Fuel to Bloody Hilarious.
  • Of particular note is their match against the San Francisco Ferries, where Coop drags Squeak over and says (in a parody of the Foster's beer ads of the time):
    Coop: How ta speak San Franciscan - (Pulls Squeak's shorts down to moon the shooter) Vagoina!
    • This immediately draws a foul, as there was a prohibition against gay jokes in place for the match.
  • In one match, Remer is up against a player who won't miss no matter which psychout he uses, so finally Remer gets fed up and just hits him with a 2 X 4, earning a foul.
  • Squeak successfully psyches out a massive Samoan player with a line that Coop gave him (about banging the guys dead mom), and wins the game. Problem is, now he has to deal with the furious player.
  • The psychout Coop uses where he cuts off his middle finger with a pair of tongs (he was using a prop hand) and sprays blood in his eyes while screaming in pain, is so horrifying that the player runs off to throw up and even the audience is shocked.
• Ted Denslow's video will. You haven't lived until you've heard Ernest Borgnine sing "I'm Too Sexy"
  • Especially the part where he asks everyone but Coop to leave the room, and naturally, nobody leaves. He then gives them a Too Much Information earful about a time when Coop had the crabs before bursting into the aforementioned song.
  Remer: (to Jenna) You getting this?
• Joey's last wish.
  Jenna: Come on, Joey. Search your heart. What's the one thing you want more than anything else in the world?
  Joey: .....Chelsea Clinton?
  Coop: That's a pretty tall order, dude.
  Remer: You'd have a better shot at Bill.
• Cain getting frustrated whenever someone comically misses the point.
  Cain: Do you think Shaq got rich playing in Orlando? Hardly. He made his fortune moving to L.A. You know how much he makes now?
  Remer: As much as he made playing in college?
  Cain: What? No, a lot more! Big money, and you can too.
  Remer: Would I have to quit baseketball?
  Cain: What!? No! I need you to get Coop to go along!
  Remer: He had to quit baseketball too!?
  Cain: (makes a face of disbelief and walks away with a headache) ...Ungh.
  Remer: Did I just fart?
  Cain: (holding his head together) AAAAAAAHHH!!!
  
  Remer: All right, dude, listen to me carefully. Do you think Shaq got rich playing in Orlando?
  Coop: No, he got rich playing in college. Everyone knows that.
  
  Yvette: (taken a burned autograph Ty Cobb bat out of the fireplace) Baxter, who's Ty Cobb?
  Cain: Oh my God...
  Yvette: Did I just fart?
  Cain: (gets a headache again) OGH!!
• From the opening narration, the football players gave each other high fives, and then chest bumps, and then Riverdancing. Talk about Warrior Poets. The umpire even joins in!
  • "Inter-Sports Play": A football player swings his bat on the ball, then rams to the baseball player trying to catch it.
  • "The Minneapolis Lakers moved to Los Angeles where there are no lakes. The Oilers moved to Tennessee where there is no oil. The Jazz moved to Salt Lake City where they don't allow music."
  • "The Oakland Raiders moved to L.A. and then back to Oakland. No one in Los Angeles seemed to notice."
  • "The search for greener pastures went on unabated. Continued expansion diluted the talent pool, forcing owners to recruit heavily from prisons, mental institutions...and Texas".
• The San Francisco Ferries and their all-male cheerleading squad.
• The San Antonio Defenders: "1...2...3...FUCK THE MEXICANS!!!"
• Joey's many Disney Deaths when Coop, Squeak, and Remer visit him in the hospital. Also, Squeak getting blasted into the soiled laundry chute after they try to use a defibrillator on Joey.
• The turban-shaped hard hats at the Beers Wear factory.
• The entire Unsolved Mysteries segment. Robert Stack Adam Westing in his Deadpan Snarker style while the theme tune plays.
  • "The severed and mutilated head was stamped and post-marked Denver. The owner has still not stepped forward".
  • This little gem.
  Jenna: If you're looking for Joe Cooper, I suggest you look wherever you find the most heinous, blatant and vile exploitation of children on the planet.
  Robert Stack: Scenario #2: Coop went to Disneyworld.
• Jenna asks the cab driver if he can drive any faster. Cue 7 time NASCAR champion Dale Earnhardt as the driver.
• "You're excited?! Feel these nipples!"
• Coop and Remer's make-up scene, in which they drop every single cheesy epiphany line ("I've become everything I hate." "We grew up too fast.") before they fall gleefully into each other's arms and make out.
• "ROADKILL: Caught On Tape!"
• Remer staring up at a bird on a branch.
• The song Cooper listens to in his car.
  It's when you're down that ya gotta get up-eh
  Don't let em walk all over your face-a
  Stand up for yourself and make everything right again
  Even if some guy's tryin' to blackmail you
  And your girlfriend thinks you suck,
  It's up to you to let them know
  That it was all just part of some rich guy's evil plan.

  Look out ahead, there's a truck changin' lanes,
  You got some yellow crumbs on your upper lip.
  And those warts on your dick aren't gonna go away
  Unless you start using topical cream everyday.
• Dr. Kaiser let Coop and Remer into his home despite being called a "cock".

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