Funny / Badass of the Week

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• "He's like the Pepe Le Pew of violent homicide."
• "These are the consequences of killing an evil monk with a thirteen-inch cock. You get shot in the face by fucking Communists."
• "Australia is a psychotic, cold-blooded murderer that would swallow you whole if you so much as left the front door of your house."
  • "Australia is a terrible place that leaves none but the strongest (or the gayest, for some peculiar reason) alive."
• Saint Michael the Archangel, aka "the Patron Saint of getting shit done."
• Pretty much the entire A-10 Warthog article, but in particular, this gem:
  That's what this A-10 shit is all about - any jackass can get out there and dogfight at Mach 10 with a bunch of 1980s-era MiG-29s yelling, "I GOT A BOGEY ON MY SIX I CAN'T SHAKE HIM ROGER THAT TEN NINER YOU CAN BE MY WINGMAN ANY TIME!" - the real badass planes are the ones swooping in 100 feet above the ground laying fiery death down on a vast array of front-line enemy troops and launching missiles shaped like those giant oversized boxing gloves from the cartoons which give enemy commanders the middle finger before punching them in the balls and then detonating with enough force to create a volcanic eruption on Mars.
• When discussing Witold Urbanowicz, mention is made of a British commander who was convinced that Urbanowicz's squad was padding the numbers of bombers they were killing, and was invited to fly with them.
  The Commander wrote in his report the next day that they were "wonderful madmen", which was pretty much just a cleaned-up version of what he actually said when he was out there, which was something a little more akin to, "Holy Fuck Balls Sweet Jesus Cinnamon Titties Motherfuck".
• Discussing Jan Zizka:
  Legend has it that when the Holy Roman Empire heard that Zizka was laid up with two missing eyes, they mounted an attack on one of his fortresses. When Zizka heard about this, he immediately got out of bed, hopped on his horse, and started riding toward the battle, warning the Romans that they needed to "Czech themselves before they wreck themselves". When the enemy soldiers heard he was coming for them, they dropped their shit and bolted without firing a shot.
• On Germanicus:
  Germanicus marched to the Rhine, built a fleet out of logs he chopped down with his dick, sailed them down and across the North Sea, and braved a terrible storm that he only managed to survive by cutting down his men's clothes and using them as sails after every oar, mast, and sail in the fleet had been destroyed (this is the downside of trying to build large things with your penis).
• Harald Wartooth's grandfather, Ivar the Wide-Grasping, got an explanation for his unique title that will likely surprise you and leave you tittering for a while:
  ...Ivar, who I'm pretty sure gets his wide-grasping epithet because he was literally able to grope TWO BOOBS AT THE SAME TIME...
• Reinhold Messner "...pimp-slapping the Himalayas in the Kanchenjunga"

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