Funny / A Game of Thrones

• The first time they met, Tyrion is making fun of Jon for being a bastard, obviously annoying Jon.
  Tyrion: Did I offend you? Sorry. Dwarfs don’t have to be tactful. Generations of capering fools in motley have won me the right to dress badly and say any damn thing that comes into my head.
• Bran is forbidden from climbing tall things because Cat is afraid he will fall and die. He climbs anyway and is ordered by Ned to ask for forgiveness in the Godswood. The next day the guards find him on top of the tallest tree in the wood.
  He confessed his crime the next day in a fit of guilt. Lord Eddard ordered him to the godswood to cleanse himself. Guards were posted to see that Bran remained there alone all night to reflect on his disobedience. The next morning Bran was nowhere to be seen. They finally found him fast asleep in the upper branches of the tallest sentinel in the grove.
• Bran's dream of the talking crow.
  Bran: Help me.
  Crow: I'm trying. Say, do you have any corn?
  • Funny enough as a tangent on its own, even funnier trying to imagine Bloodraven, of all people, the nigh omniscient spymaster who turned Westeros into a Police State saying it.
• Arya naively believing that she can fool a guard into thinking that she is not in her room by telling him that she is not in her room.
  Fat Tom was knocking on her door. “Arya girl, what’s wrong?” he called out. “You in there?”

  “No!” she shouted. The knocking stopped. A moment later she heard him going away. Fat Tom was always easy to fool.
• Ned doesn't know how Arya gets her hand on Needle, so he allows her to keep it because he's afraid she will somehow get her hand on even bigger things if he takes it away.
  “For true.” He smiled. “If I took it away, no doubt I’d find a morningstar hidden under your pillow within the fortnight. Try not to stab your sister, whatever the provocation.”
• This exchange between Old Nan and Bran:
  Old Nan: I know a story about a crow.
  Bran: I hate your stories.
  Old Nan: I know a story about a boy who hated stories.
• This exchange between Jorah and Dany in A Game of Thrones:
  Dany: Viserys says he could sweep the Seven Kingdoms with ten thousand Dothraki screamers.
  Jorah: *snort* Viserys couldn't sweep a stable with ten thousand brooms.
• How Tyrion manages to talk his way out of danger when he's threatened by the Mountain's Clan:
  Barbarian: How would you like to die, Tyrion son of Tywin?
  Tyrion: In my own bed, with a belly full of wine and a maiden's mouth around my cock, at the age of eighty.
  • Even the barbarians can't help but laugh.
• As the story of how Arya disarmed Joffrey is being told by both sides in the Court, Renly Baratheon is ordered by the king to be escorted out because he's started laughing at Joff. He says that he is perfectly capable of finding the door himself and continues to laugh at the name of Joff's sword as he was leaving.
  Renly (to Joff): Perchance later you'll tell me how a nine-year-old girl the size of a wet rat managed to disarm you with a broom handle and throw your sword in the river.
• Tyrion defending himself against Catelyn's accusations on the way to the Vale leads to this exchange:
  Catelyn: Why would Petyr lie to me?
  Tyrion: Why does a bear shit in the woods?
  • Also the fact that while he's mad that she's accusing him falsely of the attempted murder of a child, he is equally mad that she thinks he's dumb enough to bet against Jaime in a tournament. And that he'd be stupid enough to arm the cutthroat with a dagger that could so easily be traced back to him.
• At one point, Eddard Stark thinks about Gregor Clegane, including the fact that dogs are afraid to enter his hall. By this point Summer, Grey Wind, and Shaggydog have kicked out all the dogs from Winterfell's hall.
• Ned Stark's inner thoughts about how uncomfortable the Iron Throne is and how much he hates doing Robert's job.
  "Damn Aegon for his conceit and damn Robert and his hunting." ^note  Funnily enough The iron throne was made as a conceit, but of a very different sort from what most would assume.
• Sansa's proclamation that she wants to marry Joffrey.
  "I don't want someone brave and gentle, I want him."
• Another rare insult from Sansa. Arya proudly shows bruises to their father during the dinner that she got from practicing dancing with her "dance instructor" (who is in reality teaching her how to swordfight). Sansa comments that she must be very bad dancer if she got bruises!
• Daenerys accidentally gives her brother a third-degree burn when he reacts badly to her gift of Dothraki clothes.
  Viserys: Next you'll want to braid my hair.
  Daenerys: I'd never... You have no right to a braid, you have won no victories yet.
• Daenerys and her retinue are strolling around the Western market in Vaes Dothrak. Dany catches her handmaiden Doreah, who is a Lys pleasure slave and thus not looking to start a family anytime soon, eyeing a... fertility charm. Guess what shape those usually have.
• A bit of dark humor comes when Dany, after learning that the wine seller who tried to poison her was offered a lordship for assassinating the remaining Targaryens, remarks that Drogo must have earned one for killing Viserys.
• Pyp congratulating Jon Snow on being given Longclaw:
  "I'll wager Lord Snow's the first brother ever honored for burning down the Lord Commander's Tower."
• At the Lannister camp, Tywin is listing their multiple enemies on various fronts: the Starks, Lord Beric, Stannis, Renly, etc.
  Tyrion: Take heart, Father. At least Rhaegar Targaryen is still dead.
  • It's even funnier in hindsight because they don't even have that consolation since at the end of the book at least one Targaryen is alive and kicking and has three dragons. And that's not even counting Young Griff.
• There is something darkly funny about how Pyp clings into Jon like a monkey when the latter flies into a rage at Allister Thorne.
• The semifinal joust at the Tourney of the Hand between Jaime Lannister and Sandor Clegane, where Ned "would have loved nothing so well as to see them both lose" but has to settle for Jaime's elaborate helmet getting stuck on his head after his fall.

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