Funny / A Clash of Kings

• Hot Pie's introduction with Arya repeatedly whipping his ass with a wooden sword... to the point where Hot Pie's trousers become 'brown and smelly.' That's right... Arya literally beat the shit out of him.
• Jaqen's response when Arya refused his first offer of friendship:
  "A man must weep,"
• Rorge calling Arya "Lumpyface Lumpyhead Rabbitkiller" after she caught a rabbit for their group to eat.
• Shae ponders an alternative meaning for The Tower of The Hand (a masturbation joke).
• Davos' impression of Stannis' burnt sword after the latter plunged it into the burning statue of the Mother in a re-enactment of the tempering of Lightbringer:
  The Red Sword of Heroes looks a proper mess.
• Arya's advice to Lommy Greenhands when he expresses his fear of being eaten by wolves. His constant talk of yielding to Ser Amory Lorch instead of having fought and lost annoys their little band to no end. And so...
  Arya: Lommy, you keep Weasel here.
  Lommy: What if the wolves come?
  Arya: Yield.
• Tyrion thinking to himself that he rather liked the late Robert Baratheon, if only because he made Cersei's life so miserable.
• Tyrion's alternate career suggestion for Cersei as he witnesses her deny some extremely true accusations by Stannis:
  If we lose the war, she ought to take up mummery, she has a gift for it.
• Tyrion's reaction to Podrick announcing that Littlefinger is waiting for him in the Hand's solar:
  Podrick: Lord Littlefinger. I meant, Lord Petyr. Lord Baelish. The master of coin.
  Tyrion: You make him sound a crowd.
• In-story, the arrival of Stannis Baratheon to the conflict. He arrives with a massive warship armada, against the outnumbered Lannisters... and goes straight to attack his brother. Catelyn is present at their meeting and (hilariously) calls out Stannis and Renly for their petty fighting like she is dealing with some stupid bickering between Sansa and Arya:
  Catelyn: Listen to yourselves! If you were sons of mine, I would bang your heads together and lock you in a bedchamber until you remembered that you were brothers.
  • When she later tries unsuccessfully to get Stannis and Renly to make peace, but they just keep fighting, this line appears in her internal monologue:
  Catelyn: Cersei Lannister is laughing herself breathless...
  • And Catelyn was right. When hearing the news of this from Tyrion, despite their animosity at every other point, they both crack up and dance around the room, as both consider the circumstances and Cersei's remark Actually Pretty Funny:
  Cersei: I'm starting to believe that Robert was the clever one.
• Theon shamelessly seduces a married woman, who turns out to be his sister Asha. He's not pleased.
  • His reaction to his mute squire (who watched the whole thing) smirking at him is hilarious:
  He gave the boy a clout on the ear. "That's for enjoying this so much." And another, harder. "And that's for not warning me. Next time, grow a tongue."
• During the wet journey to Craster's, Jon checks on Sam:
  Jon: How are you faring, Sam?
  Sam: Wetly.
• "Jon shooed the raven off Longclaw. The bird hopped back to Mormont’s shoulder, where it promptly shat."
  Mormont: You might have done that on Snow instead of saving it for me.
• An out-of-universe example: the description of what Dany did to the House of the Undying on A Song of Ice and Fire Wiki:
  Toasted by Drogon to save Daenerys from the undying. Now quite warm, and inhabited by some very-much-dead undying.
• Renly's completely deadpan reaction to Stannis confronting him and demanding that he recognize him as king:
  "The whole of the realm denies it, brother. Old men deny it with their death rattle, and unborn children deny it in their mothers' wombs. They deny it in Dorne and they deny it on the Wall. No one wants you for their king. Sorry."
• During their negotiations, Renly reaches inside his coat. Stannis and everyone around him thinks that he's pulling a weapon... he takes out a peach, which he offers to Stannis. Made even funnier after Renly's death, when Stannis is still trying to figure out what the peach represented.
• "I am not without mercy!" bellowed he who was notoriously without mercy.
• While it's painful to see how Joffrey treats both Tommen and Sansa, this exchange qualifies as a funny moment, because finally somebody is telling her to stop prattling on about courtly love already.
  Joffrey: (to a crying Tommen) You mew like a suckling babe. Princes aren't supposed to cry.
  Sansa: Prince Aemon the Dragonknight cried the day Princess Naerys wed his brother Aegon, and the twins Ser Arryk and Ser Erryk died with tears on their cheeks after each had given the other a mortal wound.
  Joffrey: Be quiet, or I'll have Ser Meryn give you a mortal wound.
  • On the other hand, it could also doubly count as Moment of Awesome for Sansa, who is able to subtly rebuke Joffrey's cruelty with examples of better princes than he, to the point he can't do anything but be reduced to threaten her with violence.
• During the mob later in the same Tyrion chapter as Joffrey's funny moment, the smallfolk go from insulting Cersei and Joffrey to calling the names of the other kings they truly recognise and then asking for bread. The third-person narrator (who may or may not be speaking on behalf of Tyrion) then describes it as:
  King Joffrey and King Robb and King Stannis were forgotten, and King Bread ruled alone.
• When Bran is acting as lord of Winterfell during the harvest feast, he is reminded to send some of the better dishes to various other lords as a sort of party favor. He actually does a good job of this and sends well-matched dishes to their recipients - salmon, boar, goose, all implied to be very tasty. He's then reminded he should also send something to his foster brothers the Walders. But the Walders are brats and Bran hates them, so he sends them beets and turnips.
• Jojen has a prophetic dream about Winterfell flooded by the sea and several of its inhabitants drowning, a metaphor for the Ironborn invading and sacking it. Only one guard believes it, and well...
  Alebelly was the only one who paid the warning any heed. He went to talk to Jojen himself, and afterward stopped bathing and refused to go near the well. Finally he stank so bad that six of the other guards threw him into a tub of scalding water and scrubbed him raw while he screamed that they were going to drown him like the frogboy had said. Thereafter he scowled whenever he saw Bran or Jojen about the castle, and muttered under his breath.
• The victors/survivors of the Battle of the Blackwater are being honored, the Lannisters and the court are in their finery, and Tywin enters in all his magnificence to greet Joffrey... and then his horse shits on the carpet in front of Joffrey and Joffrey has to step around it to greet him. The spirit of the event was kind of ruined there.
  • Even better, while the victors were being rewarded and the captives were punished or forced to bend the knee, Joffrey cuts himself on the Iron Throne and runs crying out of the throne room. Tywin takes over as if nothing had happened.
• Jaime's relentless trolling (there's no other word for it, really) of Cat Stark when she interrogates him in Riverrun:
  Catelyn Stark: A man chained in hand and foot should keep a more courteous tongue in his mouth. I did not come here to be threatened.
  Jaime Lannister: No? Then surely it was to have your pleasure of me? They say widows grow weary of their empty beds. We of the Kingsguard vow never to wed, but I suppose I could still service you if that's what you need. Pour us some of that wine and slip out of that gown and we'll see if I'm still up to it.
  • There's definitely some Dead Baby Comedy when he's asked about throwing Bran off the tower:
  Jaime: I seldom fling small children from tall towers to improve their health.
• After Cersei heard some good news from Tyrion and in response kissed him on the cheek:
  Tyrion Lannister could not have been more astonished if Aegon the Conqueror himself had burst into the room, riding on a dragon and juggling lemon pies.
• Cersei and Tyrion sit down to talk:
  Tyrion: Were you fucking our dear Jaime?
  Cersei: *slap*
  Tyrion: You think I'm as blind as our father? Altough it's pretty unfair that you open your legs for one brother, and not for the other.
  Cersei: *SLAP*
  Tyrion: Just kidding. I prefer a good whore. Never understood what he saw on you, apart from his own reflection.
  Cersei: *SLAP*
  • Really, that genetic Lannister inability to keep your big mouth shut when a clever remark occurs to you is funny every time Jaime or Tyrion falls victim to it.
• Tyrion turns up in Cersei's council meeting after being presumed dead and requests a private word with his sister. Varys says how he must have longed for the sound of his sister's sweet voice. After his sister starts tearing into Tyrion...
  Tyrion: "How I have longed for the sound of your sweet voice."
  Cersei: "How I have longed to have that eunuch's tongue pulled out with hot pincers!"
• When Tyrion poisons Cersei with laxatives to get rid of her and her petty schemes for a day and handle his job properly, he's told the next day that "the queen was indisposed and would not be able to leave her chambers".
  Tyrion: Not able to leave her privy, more like.
  • And speaking of Lannisters and privies, Tyrion's opinion of Joffrey's rule after the riot is no less humorous.
    "My nephew is not fit to sit a privy, let alone the Iron Throne."
• When Arya is taken captive and led to Harrenhal along with other prisoners, there's an old man who in a grim humorous fashion is reminiscing about the peaceful days with King Aerys, sounding like a Real Life Nazi Grandpa who is still missing der Führer.
  Old man: It's a sin and a shame. When the old king was still alive, he'd not have stood for this.
  Arya: King Robert?
  Old man: King Aerys, gods grace him.
• Renly tries to impress Catelyn with his numbers and power, and how it's inevitable that he'll become king. Among his various boasts, he believes that Stannis will back him as well, a possibility so unlikely that Catelyn momentarily breaks her diplomatic facade and mildly calls him out on his assumption. Renly laughs off her objections, and lists the various reasons Stannis will join him. On the very next page Renly gets the news that Stannis has officially turned against him and is besieging Storm's End.
• Tyrion's way of shutting down Boros when he gets in the middle of Tyrion chewing out Joffrey due to Joffrey's treatment of Sansa.
  Joffrey: You can't talk to me that way. The king can do as he likes.
  Tyrion: Aerys Targaryen did as he liked. Has you mother ever told you what happened to him?
  Boros: No man threatens His Grace in the presence of the Kingsguard.
  Tyrion: [Raises an eyebrow] I am not threatening the king, ser; I am educating my nephew. Bronn, Timett, the next time Ser Boros opens his mouth, kill him. Now that was a threat, ser. See the difference?
• Tyrion wants Podrick to do something, finds him asleep, and wakes him.
  Tyrion: Summon Bronn, and then run down down to the stables and have two horses saddled.
  Podrick: [still half asleep] Horses.
  Tyrion: Those big brown animals that love apples. I'm sure you've seen them. Four legs and a tail. But Bronn first.
• Stannis Baratheon throws some shade at one of his lords bannermen when describing to Davos said bannerman's reaction to his letter declaring Joffrey a bastard.
  Stannis: Celtigar pronounced [the letter] admirable. If I showed him the contents of my privy, he would declare that admirable as well.
• A moment of levity at Joffrey's nameday tournament, when he cancels it in a fit of pique before Tommen's turn comes up.
  Tommen: Mother said I could ride.
  Myrcella: She said.
  Joffrey: "Mother said." Don't be childish.
  Myrcella: We're children. We're supposed to be childish.
  The Hound: She has you there.
• Informed of their uncle Stevron's death at Oxcross, the Walders blithely discuss the shift in succession in front of an appalled Maester Luwin.
  Luwin: You ought to be ashamed of such talk, my lords. Where is your grief? Your uncle is dead.
  Little Walder: Yes. We're very sad.
• When Tyrion, Shagga and Timmet break into Pycel's quarters and find him in a bed with a serving girl, Tyrion commands Timmet, as the far more restrained one of the two clansmen, to escort the girl out. He does, and Shagga, who expressed interest in her, "watched them go, mournfull as a puppy".

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