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"You're quite the funnyman. I assure you that you'll die hilariously."
— Ivan to Stasik
Stop us if you have heard this one.
The movie begins with a series of assassinations, including an unnamed man getting shot by murderers disguised as garbage collectors and another blown up in a vehicular explosion. We get an introduction from our main character, in the middle of doing something badass before he's surprised by his little daughter - it turns out our hero is a former Special Forces member and Retired Badass raising his child alone after the death of his unnamed wife before the movie's events. After a cutesy montage of the hero bonding with his daughter over the OP, the hero's former superior in the army unexpectedly pays him a visit, where it's revealed the victims killed in the prologue are the hero's former comrades in the Special Forces and that the hero is likely being targeted. The superior leaves behind some Red Shirts to guard the hero, only for armed gunmen to suddenly attack and kill everyone before kidnapping the hero's daughter while leaving behind one of their own to "negotiate". The hero, not really in the mood to talk, shoots the negotiator (with a "wrong" as his short reply) before he was captured as well; forced into a mission to kill a benevolent politician, against his will (else his captors returns daughter "in pieces"), our hero managed to escape his captors by jumping off a plane, attain the help of a reluctant air stewardess, interrogate a henchman before dropping him to death, impale another and embark on a lengthy rescue mission that involves him killing 70 mooks in the villains' island hideout.
In case you're wondering if we're describing the plot of the Arnold Schwarzenegger Commando (1985)... wrong. We're actually discussing the plot of D-Day a.k.a Phantom Commando/Russian Commando, an unofficial, unauthorized 2008 Foreign Remake of the 1980s Arnold Schwarzenegger classic, directed by and starring Mikhail Porechenkov. A fan of the original film, D-Day is Mikhail's pet project, though less of a tribute than a frame-by-frame recreation of entire scenes.
Major Ivan Vanya note , former paratrooper of the Russian armed forces, now retired and a single father to his daughter Zhenya, was unexpectedly dragged back into action when mercenaries attack his cabin home. Abducting Ivan and Zhenya, turns out their assailants are working for Ivan's old enemy, Senator Ryzhyi, a former dictator of Estonia who was overthrown by Ivan years ago. Just like the original film, Ivan was coerced into a mission to assassinate the current Estonian President, in exchange for his daughter's life, but after escaping Ivan then enlists the assistance of a stewardess named Aliya to rescue his daughter.
Of course there's action. And hordes of faceless mooks waiting to be killed. And the hero going One-Man Army in a lengthy climax.
Character Names (and their 1985 Counterparts)
- Ivan - John Matrix
- Zhenya - Jenny Matrix
- Aliya - Cindy
- Ryzhyi - Arius
- Gelda - Bennet
- Stasik - Sully
In Soviet Russia, the movie remakes you!
- Adaptation Deviation: Sort of:
- The father-daughter bonding in the opening is different in both versions, where Ivan and Zhenya enjoy a ride across the wilderness instead of John and Jenny feeding deers and eating ice-cream. Zhenya is also far more active and a bit of an Outdoorsy Gal compared to Jenny from the original.
- After killing the first mook, Ivan goes after the villains using a snowmobile. The original has John sliding his truck down the side of a hill.
- Ivan hunts down the henchman Stasik (Russian Sully) in the daytime instead of night, and in a waterpark instead of a shopping mall (to justify Stasik not having a cellphone on him at the time).
- The original film's iconic "I like you, I'll kill you last" (spoken by John to Sully) was changed to " I assure you that you'll die hilariously" (spoken by Ivan to Stasik). John in the original doesn't fulfill his words ("I Lied") but given Stasik was interrogated in swimming trunks and flung off a building with his trunks ripped off (and his nude corpse would soon be discovered by authorities), it's safe to say Ivan keeps his word.
- Ivan, after locating the villains' Island Base, retrieve a cache of weapons from a secret stash, unlike John who raids a surplus store; this is due to heavy Russian restrictions on private firearms ownership. Because of this, Ivan doesn't get arrested or handcuffed at any point unlike John.
- Zhenya tricks one of Ryzhyi's men to leave behind a knife for her to carve an escape, while Jenny in the original film uses an improvised lockpick.
- The final fight between Ivan and Gelda is in a caviar plant, unlike John and Bennet duking out in a boiler room. So the awesome "let off some steam" line from the original isn't in this one.
- The Big Bad and The Dragon have their order of deaths swapped around. In this remake Ivan kills Gelda and retrieves his daughter, and leaves without going after the main villain Ryzhyi - only for the Big Bad to be killed by a hidden IED. The original have John killing Arius the Big Bad before confronting The Dragon Bennet last after killing everyone.
- Adaptational Explanation:
- A bit were given to justify the Setting Update from 1985 to 2008, like Stasik being unable to inform his boss via cellphone due to being in a water park (unlike Sully who's in a shopping mall).
- During his airplane escape, Ivan finds an emergency parachute and uses it so he can jump without suffering any injuries. Meanwhile the original film runs on Soft Water, where John jumps off a plane and falls for several hundred meters before landing in a shallow marsh.
- The remake have Zhenya imprisoned on a third-floor building with the only exit bolted from the other side, justifying the lax security the mooks have over their hostage - Zhenya has to trick a minion into leaving behind a knife and cut an improvised ladder from some rope in the room. In the original Jenny was locked on the ground floor with barely any security save for a flimsy back wall, for no reason other than just so she can escape in the climax.
- Ivan in the final shootout keeps his grenades in proper compartments on his belt and vest, avoiding the original's much-derided scene where John hangs his grenades by the pin.
- Adaptational Skimpiness:
- Aliya, the Russian counterpart to Cindy, who also got some Adaptational Attractiveness. She's introduced with a Male Gaze on her... assets (the observer turns out to be Stasik who just sent Ivan off on an airplane) and has a Walking Swimsuit Scene (yes, she's wet) when she assists Ivan in tracking down Stasik in a waterpark. Cindy from the original in comparison doesn't have as much skimpy scenes or fanservicey moments (not to say Rae Dawn Chong isn't attractive, but Aliya is played by Russian supermodel Aleksandra Ursuliak, natch).
- Due to changing the setting from a mall to a waterpark, Stasik and his contact makes their deal in swimming trunks (their counterparts Sully and the Latin Man in the original is fully-clothed while making their deal in a shopping mall, obviously). Also Stasik dies nude.
- Adaptational Wimp:
- Downplayed with Ivan, compared to John. Some of John's original feats like ripping out car seats with his bare hands and lifting phone booths with people still inside has been cut in the remake, but Ivan is no less of an asskicker. (In all fairness, finding someone who can out-badass Arnold Schwarzenegger in his prime would be quite the task)
- Senator Ryzhyi, the counterpart to Arius, doesn't even have the guts to battle Ivan mano-on-mano, whilst Arius in the original film Do Not Go Gentle and tries attacking John with a machine-gun. Instead, Ryzhyi simply throws his mooks at Ivan and attempts to hide, only to be blown up by one of Ivan's bombs.
- Arch-Enemy: Gelda is one to Ivan, much like Bennet to John from the original. And yes, It's Personal with the Dragon in this one too.
- Attack the Injury: Gelda shoots Ivan in the leg before their final fistfight, like how Bennet shot John in the arm. Unlike Bennet however, Gelda purposely kicks the spot he shot at to cripple his opponent further.
- Bloodier and Gorier: Zig-zagged - this remake has far more squibs used in the final shootout, where mooks killed by Ivan bleed High-Pressure Blood. The henchman who gets Impaled with Extreme Prejudice (equivalent to Cooke in the original) also has plenty of blood around his body with a pool of red underneath him, as with Ryzhyi's Japanese henchman (a new character absent in the original) getting blown to Ludicrous Gibs via Ivan's Grenade Launcher. However, the original film's toolshed scene where John hacks off limbs and scalp mooks is Adapted Out, and Ryzhyi dies in a bloodless explosion unlike Arius who gets pumped full of holes.
- Car Fu: The remake introduces Motorcycle-Fu, with Ivan hijacking a motorcycle with a turret attached, and using to to kick ass.
- Ceiling Cling: Ivan does this at one point in the final shootout and shot a mook from above. Ryzhyi also attempts to ambush Ivan while hiding on some upper railings, but it didn't work.
- Chairman of the Brawl: The henchman Ivan beats up in a seedy motel tries defending himself using a chair, only for Ivan to smash it with a punch. Absent in the original.
- Cheerful Child: Zhenya is far more cheerful and happy than Jenny from the original, including having tea with a pair of about-to-die Redshirts prior to her abduction.
- Dies Differently in Adaptation:
- Forrestal, the second onscreen victim of the original film, was run over by a car. In this remake Forrestal's equivalent was simply sniped at a waterpark and drowned.
- For Gelda (Russian Bennet), he fakes his death differently in the prologue, where he's taken out via Car Bomb instead of a boat explosion. Towards the end, rather than getting skewered by a pipe like Bennet (with an awesome "Let off some steam!" Bond One-Liner to cap it off), Gelda instead gets his knife shoved into his own throat, before getting his head dunked in caviar.
- Subverted with Stasik and Sully both dying the same way (falling to their demise). However Stasik was dropped from a balcony naked (where his nude corpse will probably be uncovered later) while Sully was chucked off a cliff (and becomes fish food).
- As mentioned above, Ryzhyi (Russian Arius) gets unceremoniously bombed unlike his 1985 counterpart who's shot out a window.
- Fake Ultimate Mook: Ryzhyi's Japanese henchman (created just for this film) who's introduced as a rather imposing-looking figure, carries a katana with him at all times, commands an air of authority among the lesser mooks... and dies almost instantly after trying to attack Ivan in the climax.
- Fat Bastard: Gelda, the counterpart of Bennet, is noticeably even more overweight with a massive, bulging girth that's especially pronounced (since the climax have him fighting bare-chested). There's a few scenes where Gelda taunts a scared Zhenya and clearly enjoying himself when hunting Zhenya down in the climax, unlike Bennet who otherwise leaves Jenny alone (and hunts her out of anger after she escaped).
- Grenade Launcher: Ivan wields one in the climax and blows up plenty of enemy buildings and vehicles, something absent in the original.
- Groin Attack: While interrogating Stasik on a building's balcony, Ivan is dangling Stasik by the dong. In comparison, the original has John holding Sully by one leg (with his "weak arm").
- Guns Akimbo: Ivan mows down a small platoon of mooks with two pistols together, something absent in the original.
- Imperial Stormtrooper Marksmanship Academy: The mooks in this remake are as terrible shots as the original. Actually, even more so - at one point John is standing in the open and firing rockets, and mooks firing automatic weapons from spitting distance misses every shot!
- Improvised Zipline: Ivan uses one to catch up behind Stasik during the water park chase, as the film's counterpart to the original movie where John swings on balconies to pursue Sully.
- Neck Snap: Ivan escapes from a plane bound to Estonia after knocking the henchman assigned to watch him unconscious and snapping said henchman's neck under his armpits, just like John Matrix in the original.
- Never Bring a Knife to a Gun Fight: Senator Ryzhyi's second-in-command, an unnamed Japanese Colonel, probably never heard of this trope. The climax has the Colonel confronting Ivan with a katana, despite Ivan carrying a grenade launcher on him and having killed 40-odd enemies with it. Upon being challenged, Ivan simply pulls the trigger and keeps going. Too Dumb to Live is underselling it...
- Night-Vision Goggles: Ivan uses one in the climax, after blinding a platoon of mooks indoors using a flash grenade and killing the lights. With said goggles Ivan effortlessly took down everyone.
- Over-the-Shoulder Carry: When Ivan infiltrates one of Ryzhyi's hideout with Aliya, and needs to scale a wall, he ends up carrying Aliya like this because she's too afraid to balance herself on a high wall. Absent in the original.
- Papa Wolf: Ivan, like John Matrix, will jump from a plane and massacre an army to save his kidnapped daughter.
- Race Lift: Every single character in this remake is white, due to being filmed entirely in Russia (well, except for the Japanese henchman). That goes for the equivalents to Cooke, Cindy, Henriques, and other non-white characters in the original.
- Roaring Rampage of Rescue: Ivan mowing down scores and scores of mooks in the finale to save his daughter, just like John.
- Rule of Pool: As this remake replaces the mall scene with a waterpark, inevitably a fight breaks out with Ivan throwing one of the park's guards (clothes and all) into one of the pools.
- Shout-Out: Besides having a ton of shoutouts to Commando (this film is a remake, after all), the Japanese henchman trying to threaten Ivan (despite Ivan carrying a Grenade Launcher) by making a bunch of flashy moves and swinging his weapon around only for Ivan to pull the trigger and nonchalantly walk off seems reminiscent of a certain moment in Raiders of the Lost Ark.
- Spared by the Adaptation:
- The only casualty in the waterpark chase is Stasik, courtesy of Ivan. The fate of Stasik's contact isn't even addressed. Meanwhile, the original film's mall scene has a shootout happening, a couple of cops killed in the process and the Latin Money Man shot off a balcony.
- Ivan didn't kill anyone during the harbor chase; John guns down at least two mooks in the original.
- Stuff Blowing Up: The remake contains as much exploding buildings as the original, with claymores igniting oil drums left and right. Ivan even gets a grenade launcher in tandem with his RPG!
- Tattooed Crook: Gelda, who wears a sleeveless vest most of his screentime, have tattoos visible on his back and shoulders. His original counterpart Bennet has none.
- Tranquillizer Dart: Gelda uses one to knock out Ivan before capturing him, much like how Bennet knocks out John in the original.
- Unflinching Walk: One of the better moments unique in this remake, where Ivan mows down enemies while walking nonchalantly as dozens and dozens of oil drums blows up behind him. In the original John was noticeably running the hell away from exploding buildings.
- Unwilling Suspension: After being captured alive the first time, Ivan was interrogated while being hung the ceiling with Gelda holding the rope. In contrast, the original have John chained up.
- Walking Shirtless Scene: Ivan bares his chest in the climax and spends a big chunk of the finale shirtless, the same way John did. Here it's because Ivan did a Battle Strip to intimidate Gelda, and the latter also fights bare-chested unlike Bennet from the original.
- Would Hurt a Child: Gelda, much like Bennet in the original, when trying to eliminate the hero's daughter. But Gelda took it up a notch by having Zhenya chained to a chair and threatening to drown her.
