Artoria Pendragon, King of the Britons. Art by: ﾎｰﾆ(honi)
I, King Arthur, born Artoria Pendragon, of sound mind and body, hereby assess that the content of this book are right and true.
—Prelude of the Historia Regni Artorica
The Real, True and Totally Did Happen Chronicles of King Artorias
is a Self-Insert Fic by Silver W. King, who is also known for Returning Welsh Dragon, Dont Fuck With The White Mage and NO CHILL!, in which a modern human without any knowledge of Arthurian Legend or the Nasuverse is reborn as Artoria Pendragon.
Living in a resigned and apathetic manner before her first meeting with Merlin reveals to her the existence of magic in her new world and sparks her love for learning magecraft, these are the adventures of the somewhat insane king, her conquests on Britain and abroad, and the tales of her knights.
- Accidental Public Confession:
- When Artoria tells Kay and Ector that she sees Merlin as an elder brother whom she wants to impress from time to time, she forbids them from telling Merlin, since she doesn't want him to end up with an even bigger head. Unknown to her, not only is Merlin capable of defeating her privacy spells, he is actually broadcasting the scene to the rest of the knights. He then runs around bragging to everyone willing to listen about it.
- During her conversation with Vivian after drawing Caliburn from the stone, Artoria becomes indignant that the blade bestowing immortality upon her means that Morgan is always going to be taller than her and have bigger tits. She loudly complains about it while still in front of the crowd that had gathered to see her draw the sword.
- The Alliance: Upon her return from Norway, Artoria is warned by Vivian that two alliances of kings have formed to fight against her.
- The Revenge Alliance, formed by three former vassals of the late King Rience, the Irish kings Plarion, Sornegrieu, and Margan, lead by his brother Sir Nyro.
- And the Five Kings Alliance, between the remaining Irish kings, Mahaglant, Maglahant, and Magaat; the Briton King of the Distant Isles and Sorelois, Galeholt, alongside her powerful vassal King Malaguine, who rules over Malehaut, Estrangorre, Guzilagne, and Piacenza; and King Aminaduc of Denmark. The FKA is lead by the mysterious King Argel of the Vale.
- Amputation Stops Spread: When Bediviere's arm is injured by one of King Drust III's assimilating spears during the Battle on the Isle of Man, Artoria cuts it off to stop him from being assimilated into the Pict hivemind.
- And Show It to You: Artoria's first victory against Siegfried involves her stabbing her arm through his back and out of his chest while holding his heart.
- Artistic License – History: An inevitable consequence of taking Nasuverse lore and Arturian Mythology as source material. Among other obvious differences, the Roman Empire is a threatening presence, instead of the collapsing state in a downward spiral of the 5th century, and the Picts are invaders from beyond the stars trying to transform the Earth into a new base to renew their conquest of the Universe, instead of the very human ethnic group of real history.
- The Assimilator: King Drust III of the Picts attempts this strategy against Artoria and her armies on the Isle of Man, after most of his warriors and chieftains are killed during the battle. Later, after the Picts escape to Norway, he succeeds in doing it to King Riculf of Norway.
- Combat Clairvoyance: Artoria gains the ability to see people's next movements based on how their muscles move after she dips into the Reverse Side of the World. To her frustration, however, she is physically unable to react timely to this visual information in combat against Sigurd, and it hampers her reflexes because she has to consciously ponder whether she's seeing what her opponent is doing or what he's about to do.
- Defector from Decadence: A significant number of King Lot's men desert him after he breaks his oath to Artoria. Among them are his own heir Agravain, and his second son Gawain.
- Desperately Craves Affection: The way that Gwenhwyfach (False Guinevere) reacts to Artoria's simple question about herself and words of encouragement makes it clear that she has had little to no positive interactions during most of her life. She becomes incredibly attracted to "Arthur" in the space of a single conversation due to this.
- Dragon Rider: As part of a test from Merlin, Artoria tames a dragon that lives in a coast cave near their forest and eventually rides him to battle.
- Dead All Along: While returning home from a campaign, Artoria meets with the grandmother of one of her dead soldiers in the cementery they built after a battle. She and Palamedes dig up her grandson's coffin and escort her and the coffin to her village so that the boy can be burried at his home. It turns out she was actually the boy's dead great grandmother, wanting to return him to his alive parents.
- Dope Slap: When Artoria starts messing with the weather by repeatedly stabbing Caliburn into the stone and drawing it, Vivian materializes from a nearby spring and smacks her in the back of the head with her staff.
- Due to the Dead: Artoria insists on creating proper individual tombs and tombstones for every soldier fallen in battle, including those fighting for her enemies. She uses magic, and later magic tools made specifically for this purpose, in order to speed up the process enough to be practical.
- Duel to the Death: After his allied kings have been defeated and his armies have been driven back all the way to Logres City, Sir Nyro challenges Artoria to single combat in front of both armies and the citizens of Logres.
- Double Agent: Dagonet, a soldier in Artoria's army, is actually an agent of Morgan, working under Agravain in Artoria's court. Artoria turns out to have been fully aware of her loyalties from the very begining, and reveals this to Dagonet as soon as she stops her from dismantling the device Morgan used to teleport inside castle Aravius—making her a somewhat unwilling triple agent.
- Empathic Environment: Once Artoria draws Caliburn from the stone, the clouds part and the light of the sun shines upon her. She promptly ruins the solemnity of the moment by repeatedly stabbing Caliburn into the stone again and redrawing it, just so she can see the Sun appear and disapear behind the clouds when she does it.
- Evil Gloating: King Drust III of the Picts has a tendency to monologue, while in the middle of battles, about things like the power of the Picts, the inevitability of their victory or the powerlessnes of his enemies.
- Explosive Results: A month after she started to learn magecraft from Merlin, Artoria tried to contain a nuke inside of a ruby. It didn't work out.
- Fastball Special: Artoria has the Mountain King, Ysbadadden merge an arm into the ground and use it to launch Artoria and her troops at the faraway enemy armies.
- Full-Frontal Assault: A Pict steals Marmyadose while Artoria is bathing in a lake. Unfortunately for him, she inmediately grabs Caliburn and pursues after him while naked.
- Gender Reveal: Artoria publicly reveals herself to be a woman after drawing Caliburn.
- Hack Your Enemy: Artoria hacks into the Pict network to rescue the assimilated soldiers during the battle on the Isle of Man. Likewise, Bediviere's transforming arm-spear is made for the purpose of destroying the Pict hivemind upon stabbing King Drust IV.
- Helpless with Laughter: Merlin, though at first able to restrain himself and explain to Arturia that the lady whose thighs and hips she is complimenting is actually her sister Morgan, a wicked and powerful witch, loses it when Arturia says she wants to bed her anyway. He falls from his chair and pounds the ground while laughing with tears in his eyes.
- Humongous Mecha: The Grand Chieftain of the Picts, Galem, transforms into one of these called Cernunnos during the Battle on the Isle of Man.
- I Gave My Word: King Pellinore inmediately swears fealty to Artoria after the Strange Beast is killed, despite protest from his son and the fact that, technically, he was the one who killed it when he put it out of its misery."Boy, I will not be some scoundrel to go back on their word, because of a fucking technicality."
- Improbable Weapon User:
- Although Caliburn itself is a fairly standard, if powerful, magical sword, the way in which Artoria uses it as a baseball bat to launch the stone in which it was embeded towards her enemies makes it this.
- Later, after Vivian and Merlin fashion said stone into a proper sheath for Caliburn, Artoria still uses it as a projectile with magically propulsed Sheath Strikes.
- King Incognito: Artoria's last opponent during the tournament at Doyflé turns out to have been King Galeholt in disguise.
- Killer Rabbit: Cath Palug, whom Artoria nicknames as "Fou" after the sounds he makes, at first glance is just a strange combination between a rabbit and a squirrel. All the animals in the castle are terrified of him and seeing him feed upon entire cows is considered a traumatic experience by all those unfortunate enough to be assigned Fou feeding duty. Moreover, he has the potential to become far more dangerous and terrifying. His true identity is Beast IV, one of the Evils of Humanity, and in some timelines he would grow up to become one of the higher-ranked Dead Apostle Ancestors "Primate Murder".
- Lowered Recruiting Standards: Rather than only allowing those who squired under a knight to achieve knighthood, Artoria introduces the possibility of anyone potentially rising to the rank as long as they:
- A) Join her army, complete the (harsh) training course, and pledge their loyalty to her.
- B) Perform well and either survive ten battles or serve ten years, then request promotion to knighthood.
- C) Pass a written exam and are personally evaluated by the king.
- Legendary Weapon: Marmyadose, the sword of Heracles. Originally in the possession of King Rience, Artoria claims it as spoils of victory after her conquest of Northgalis.
- Magical Eye: Artoria decides to grant herself Mystic Eyes through alchemy, during her campaign against King Plarion of the Revenge Alliance, in order to see through the wards hiding his base of operations. Her eyes are then affected by her short visit to the Inner Sea.
- Magic Knight: What this Artoria is, in contrast with her canon counterpart. She tends to use magic to enhance and support her swordsmanship or hand-to-hand skills while in combat.
- Mage Tower: Merlin used to live in one of these, and it's where he first starts mentoring Artoria. It lasts a month before Artoria accidentally blows it up.
- Magical Eye: Artoria gives herself mystic eyes.
- Mystical Pregnancy: Just before sleeping together, Artoria proclaims to Morgan that she intends to make her pregnant with quintuplets. Days afterwards, Morgan not only finds herself pregnant with quadruplets, she also learns that somehow, her split personality Le Fay is also pregnant with a baby of her own.
- Nanomachines: A staple of Pict technology. They are described as "interconnected magic molecules that try to replicate themselves on anything they overtake". Sir Bediviere's replacement arm is made out of reprogrammed Pict nanomachines.
- Never Got to Say Goodbye: After Artoria becomes incapable of summoning Siegfried in her dreamscape anymore, she is upset that she never got a proper goodbye with him."The last thing he said to me was 'Good job, Dragonslayer Slayer'." Arthur chuckled, yet his eyes were watery again. "The fuck kinda good bye is that?"
- Not Growing Up Sucks: Upon hearing that the immortality granted from taking Caliburn will stop her aging, she freaks out because her idea of being king includes being tall and buxom, not to mention the idea of her figure being constantly smaller than Morgan's.
- Not So Above It All: Vivian turns out to have participated on the betting pool about Artoria's private life.
- Outside-Context Problem: The Picts are this for most of the inhabitants of Britain, being alien invaders with nanomachine-based technology.
- One-Man Army: Artoria decides to fight all of the participants of the Doyfle tournament at once. She wins.
- Rash Promise: No matter how confident King Pellinore is that the Strange Beast can only be slain by him or his kin, it probably isn't the best idea to proclaim he will inmediately swear fealty to Artoria if she manages to kill it.
- The Oath-Breaker: King Lot promises to accept Artoria as King of Britain and swear fealty to her if she helps him reclaim his lands in Norway from the usurper Riculf. Once it is done, he instead claims Artoria to not be a true Pendragon and tries to pay her off with gold, which Artoria rejects. King Lot is then assassinated by the Lady of the Lake in retribution for his broken oath.
- Power Perversion Potential: When they sleep together, Morgan has Artoria drink a magical potion that gives her a phallus. The first thing Artoria does is memorize how the spell works, so that she may be able to replicate the phenomenon at will.
- The Prophecy: Upon touching Caliburn for the first time, Artoria receives a vision of herself dying alone atop a hill litered with corpses. Merlin warns her that although the future isn't written in stone, it is a possible result of her drawing the sword.
- Sapient Pet: Fou is a completely sapient creature, with human-level intelligence. Artoria takes advantage of his unassuming appearance, small size, and teleporting abilities to send him on scouting missions.
- She Is the King: After her outburst regarding her immortality preventing her aging, she confirmed to her men that yes, their king is a girl, and will openly rule as such.
- Sibling Incest: Both Artoria and Morgan express willingness and desire to sleep with each other, only stopped by Artoria's resolution to not sleep with a married woman. This stops being a problem after King Lot's death and they end sleeping with each other upon Artoria's return from Norway.
- Side Bet: After drawing Caliburn, Artoria learns that her subjects have been betting about her private life. Some bet she was a woman, some bet she had already slept with Morgan, and some bet that she had Morgan with child. The ones who bet on all three make out like bandits.
- Sidequest: Despite Merlin's desires to head for Lorgress immediately so that Artoria can draw Caliburn from the stone in front of the kings of the island, the protagonist instead decides to go to Northgalis and try to steal the Sword of Heracles from the giant King Rience.
- Sizeshifter: Sir Kay is able to grow into a giant version of himself at will. Like in the original myths, this is never explained.
- Suicide Attack: When Artoria learns how to unleash atom bombs using magecraft, in the next night's dream training she does it at point-blank range against Sigurd, killing them both, to break her losing streak.
- Super Gullible: A very young and inexperienced Lancelot, on two occasions. Artoria promptly decides to add actual investigative skills and critical thinking to his knightly training.
- On the first, he is intercepted by Morgan Le Fay while on the way to Artoria's court. Le Fay then weaves him a tale in which "Arthur" has been forcing "himself" on widows and married women alike. Lancelot inmediately believes her and decides to fight "Arthur" for the sake of the powerless being abused. This is despite the fact that his adoptive mother Vivian was the one to send him to "Arthur's" court and that Le Fay, being one of Vivian's alternate personalities, looks exactly like her except for the fact her clothes are black instead of white.
- On the second, he is easily convinced that the army heading for Castle Aravius are not in fact "Arthur" and his army, but rather "a random traveling army, whom the giant majority of happen to live in the castle". This is despite the fact that Artoria hadn't been trying to deceive him and merely used sarcasm.
- Surpassed the Teacher: Artoria believes the best gift one can give one's mentors is to show one's devotion by surpassing them. Doing otherwise would mean the time they spent teaching was worthless.
- Theory of Narrative Causality: An actual in-universe phenomenon, the various fates and prophecies that are common at the time are described by Vivian as "a story being written by the World, played out by the fairies". This is part of the reason she helps "Arthur": her role is "The Fairy Guide to the One True King," although it is clear that she is fond of her beyond that.
- Training from Hell: The training of the volunteers for Arthur's army in the months before the Pict suppression campaign is this. First, Kay and Ector work the recruits incredibly hard through the day, sometimes resulting in bleeding and/or broken bones. Then the trainees go to sleep in magical beds made by Merlin so that they are healed and in top shape, ready for a repeat of the previous day.
- Tranquil Fury: Artoria does not appreciate having her soldiers assimilated into the Pict collective.
- Tsundere: Played With. During the scene directly following Artoria and Morgan sleeping together, Morgan's inner monologue is litered with occasional half-hearted attempts to deny any enjoyment of the situation and any true affection towards her sister.
- Underestimating Badassery: An issue with those who haven't seen in person what Artoria can do. Her accomplishments are so outlandish that people hearing factual acounts of what happened tend to consider them over-exaggerated rumours or straight up lies to make her look better.
- The Unintelligible: Only Artoria can understand what Fou is actually saying. Merlin can vaguely parse some of what he says by his intentions and some guesswork.
- Virtual Training Simulation: Merlin's main training method for Artoria. Originally just simple battles to the death between Merlin and Artoria while inside her dreams, Merlin starts to summon Heroic Spirits to serve as instructors after Artoria passes his test and tames a dragon to be her mount.
- Voluntary Shapeshifting: Artoria's dragon, Llamrei, can transform into a normal-looking horse thanks to Merlin. It's mostly used so that it can move from one place to another without terrifying animals and people on Artoria's side, and tends to return to its natural dragon form when it's time to kick some ass.
- Worthy Opponent: After killing Sir Nyro in a duel, Artoria creates a monument of him to serve as a tombstone, complete with an epitaph."To those that would dare face the might of a giant, stand courageous even unto death"
- Weapon of X-Slaying: Artoria's last oponent during the Dyoflé tournament is confident against her due to his magical Dragon Slayer sword, as she possesses both the powers and weaknesses of dragons. Unfortunately for him, she has spent the last years regularly training against the likes of Siegfried and Sigurd, and thus is not remotely threatened by the moderately skilled knight, no matter what kind of magic weapon he possesses. The sword is later revealed to have been a sealed Ascalon.
- You Kill It, You Bought It: Upon defeating the tyrannical King Rience in single combat, Artoria takes his magic sword and is proclaimed as the new king of Northgalis.
