Fanfic / I Hope You're Prepared For An Unforgettable Wedding!

I Hope You're Prepared For An Unforgettable Wedding! is a fanfic for The Simpsons, written by FlamingMercury5 (who also wrote The Simpsons: Team L.A.S.H.). The fic ships Chalmskinn (Principal Skinner/Superintendent Chalmers) and centers around their wedding — which, at Skinner's insistence, takes place at Springfield Elementary, during school, with all the students in attendance. And the officiant is none other than Homer Simpson.^note Who is canonically licensed to officiate weddings and is also canonically friends with Superintendent Chalmers.

Set 2 years after the events of the show, the fic is described by its own author as "self-indulgent", with a somewhat Lighter and Softer tone than its source material and ridiculous amounts of W.A.F.F.. However, it still feels straight out of an episode of the show, with extra pains taken to ensure everyone was in-character and the show's sense of humor was retained.

The fic is chock-full of allusions and references to things that happened in previous Simpsons episodes to the point where the author, who describes herself as a "Simpsons Scholar", had to include a "refresher" before each chapter began that mentioned the various facts alluded to and what episodes they came from, so that people wouldn't be confused.

And, of course, if you couldn't already tell by the title and the pairing it centers around, there are a lot of Steamed Hams jokes.

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I Hope You're Prepared For An Unforgettable Wedding! contains examples of:

• Adaptational Nice Guy: Downplayed with Agnes Skinner; while she's still undeniably a Jerkass, she's portrayed as having far more of a soft spot for her son than she does in canon. FlamingMercury5 bemoans her inability to make Agnes as mean as she is in canon, because she herself has a really good relationship with her mother, so she has a hard time depicting mother/child relationships that aren't tender (not to mention the fact that parental love is a common theme in her works).
• Affectionate Nickname: As in canon, Superintendent Chalmers calls his daughter Shauna "pumpkin", and Agnes Skinner calls her son Seymour "Spanky".
  • A much more... lewd example shows up in the third chapter, where it's revealed that, in the bedroom, Chalmers calls Seymour Skinner "Semenwhore Skinner" because of how submissive he is.
• The Alcoholic: Miss Hoover, as in canon. Upon finding out that Skinner and Chalmers didn't have any champagne at their wedding, she becomes very upset and declares that "this wedding is gonna suck".
• Amazingly Embarrassing Parents: Homer, towards Bart and Lisa. As he's officiating the wedding, he lovingly mentions Bart and Lisa by name when greeting everyone, and when Otto introduces him at the reception, he dances in a very goofy way that makes Lisa cover her face in shame.
• And Your Reward Is Edible: During the Bouquet Toss, it's established that whichever student catches Principal Skinner's bouquet will be rewarded with a pizza party for their whole class. In real-life elementary schools, pizza parties are very commonly used as rewards for raising lots of money for fundraisers, high test scores, or what have you.
• Author Appeal:
  • Most of the ships. Aside from the obvious Skinner/Chalmers, there's also Nelson and Lisa as the fic's Beta Couple, a few offhand statements that Mr. Burns and Smithers are now Happily Married, and she even sneaks in a statement about how deeply in love Homer and Marge still are with each other. You can really tell that FlamingMercury5's favorite Simpsons ships are Burnsmithers, Chalmskinn, Homarge, and Nelisa.
  • Seymour's strong and genuine bond with his mother Agnes (and to a lesser extent, Agnes' Adaptational Nice Guy treatment). Relationships between parents and children — especially of the sweet variety — are a Creator Thumbprint of FlamingMercury5's, inspired by the reverence and affection she has for her own parents.
  • Everything the characters are described as wearing. FlamingMercury5, being something of a fashionista herself, loves her some Costume Porn, and a lot of the outfits — especially the female outfits — are described in loving detail, from the female attendants' puffy-sleeved dresses to Shauna's towering "stripper shoes" to Agnes' elegant blue ballgown to Chalmers' wedding night lingerie.
  • Consensual dominant/submissive-type relationships. FlamingMercury5, as evidenced by the other fanfics she's written, loves this trope, and a lot of her favorite couples are portrayed as having aspects of this in her more risqué fanfics, and Chalmskinn, due to Chalmers' position of authority over Skinner and how Skinner acts towards Chalmers, is no exception.
  • And, of course, references to the "Steamed Hams" skit, which FlamingMercury5 considers the height of comedy.
• Bathroom Stall of Angst: Agnes spends most of the reception in a public restroom, crying over Seymour moving in with his husband and leaving her all alone.
• Best Woman: Shauna Chalmers serves as this to her father, essentially being a "maid of honor" in all but title.
• Beta Couple: Nelson/Lisa seems to be this, as it has the second-most amount of focus after Chalmers/Skinner. Lisa sneaks a confession about how she really feels about Nelson into a speech she ghost-wrote for Homer, and during the reception, the two of them share a Dance of Romance and a kiss.
• The Big Damn Kiss: The kiss between Principal Skinner and Superintendent Chalmers at the end of the ceremony. Sure, they kiss several times throughout the fic, but this one is the biggest and most climactic. Both men even outright describe it as the greatest moment of their lives.
  • Later on, while Chalmers is having sex with Skinner and is about to cum, Skinner pulls him into a kiss, and the two of them kiss as they both orgasm.
• Big Eater: Homer, of course! This is put on full display during the wedding luncheon, in which he eats a ridiculous amount of burgers. It's also revealed that at the last wedding he attended, he ate the entire top tier of the wedding cake, including the Cake Toppers, and the groom (who was also his boss Mr. Burns) was furious.
• Bigger Is Better in Bed: Downplayed; while we don't know the length of it, the third chapter says that Superintendent Chalmers' penis is "of exceptional girth".
• Blended Family Drama: During the scene where Skinner and Chalmers have dinner with Shauna, her sassy and disrespectful nature ends up putting her at odds with strict disciplinarian Seymour Skinner. Shauna even snaps that Skinner can't tell her what to do because he isn't her "real dad".
• Bouquet Toss: A variant occurs during the reception. Skinner carries a bouquet during his wedding, and thus, it's only natural that he'd end up throwing it at the reception. However, instead of throwing it to the guests of marriageable age to predict who will be next to get married, Skinner throws it towards the Springfield Elementary School students and says whoever catches it will get a pizza party for their whole class. The lucky kid who catches the bouquet ends up being Ralph Wiggum.
• Bratty Teenage Daughter: Shauna, as in canon. She spends the entire fic sassing other characters, especially her dad and stepdad.
• Bridal Carry: As is tradition, Chalmers does this to Skinner as he carries him over the threshold.
• "Burly Detective" Syndrome: On many occasions, instead of "Chalmers" and "Skinner" or "Gary" and "Seymour", they are referred to as "the superintendent" and "the principal".
• Calling Your Orgasms: As Chalmers is about to cum into Skinner, he announces that he's "so close". Skinner responds to this by kissing him, and continuing to kiss him even as they both climax.
• Cry into Chest: During the mother-son dance, Agnes is so upset that her little Spanky is leaving the nest that she plants her face into her son's chest and cries so hard that her makeup starts to run.
• Culture Equals Costume: Groundskeeper Willie wears a kilt to Principal Skinner's wedding.
• Dance of Romance:
  • The grooms' first dance together, which is to the song "Suddenly Seymour". It's such a romantic and heartwarming moment that the name of the second chapter ("With Sweet Understanding, Seymour's Your Man") is derived from the final line of the song.
  • Equally romantic is the slow dance to "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" during the wedding reception, even though Principal Skinner demands everyone keep twelve inches apart from each other. Lisa picks Nelson to dance with her, and the two of them have a moment of love together and end up kissing.
• Destructo-Nookie: Downplayed. On Chalmers and Skinner's wedding night, Chalmers pounds so hard into Skinner that the bed shakes and things end up falling off the bedside table.
• Drowning My Sorrows: Agnes offhandedly states that she's been drinking a lot of alcohol ever since Seymour left the nest.
• Earn Your Happy Ending: Seymour Skinner has seen the horrors of war firsthand, spent three torturous years in a Vietnamese POW camp, been on the receiving end of countless pranks from his students, been kept under the thumb of his beloved smother, and been dumped by his girlfriend on what was supposed to be their wedding day. But now that he's with Gary Chalmers, a man whom he truly loves and who loves him back, that lifetime of suffering no longer matters, as it has reached a satisfying payoff.
• Empty Nest: Agnes, naturally, gets hit hard with this after her son moves away to live with his husband. She spends most of the reception crying over not getting to have her little boy around her house anymore, and after he moves away, she loses the motivation to do anything other than "drink alcohol, watch TV, and cry".
• Fascinating Eyebrow: When Shauna rudely asks for her phone back, Skinner raises an eyebrow in suspicion, indicating "that won't be enough". Shauna then politely asks for it back, and Skinner says "That's more like it." and gives it back to her.
• Five Stages of Grief: Agnes' reactions to her son announcing he was moving in with his husband are compared to this. It's said she first reacted with denial (dismissing the idea of Seymour moving out as something he "couldn't possibly be considering"), then anger (raging at Seymour for "betraying" her and leaving her in the dust in favor of his "sWeEt PrEcIoUs GaRy"), then bargaining (demanding Seymour visit her as much as humanly possible and give her grandkids as soon as humanly possible), and then depression (breaking down into tears during the mother-son dance, spending most of the reception crying in the women's restroom, and spiraling into alcoholism and daily pity parties without Seymour around to keep her company). It's implied that with time, Seymour's daily phone calls to her, and a long-awaited grandkid on the way (courtesy of a surrogate mother that Seymour impregnated), she will eventually move into acceptance.
• Flowers of Femininity: Agnes' mother-of-the-groom dress is described as floral-patterned, and her hair is decorated with blue forget-me-nots. The latter may cross over into Flower Motifs, as it's later revealed that she's incredibly upset about her son moving away to live with his husband; thus, this could be a subtle plea for him to not forget about her. It’s also worth noting that forget-me-nots traditionally symbolize remembering those who have passed away, and not only does this fit with the Five Stages of Grief metaphor mentioned later in the fic, but also ties into the fact that Agnes’ husband was killed rather suddenly back in the 1970s.
• Funny Foreigner: Groundskeeper Willie, whose only purpose in this fic is to be "aggressively Scottish". FlamingMercury5 herself compared his best man speech to the scene in Ralph Breaks the Internet where Merida says something to Vanellope in an incredibly-difficult-to-understand Scottish accent.
• Gay Groom in a White Tux: Skinner not only wears a white tuxedo during his wedding to Chalmers, he carries a bouquet, walks down the aisle last, and is given away by one of his parents. It's fairly obvious that he's supposed to be the "bride" in this scenario, though given he and Chalmers have a Sensitive Guy and Manly Man dynamic in canon, it's understandable.
• Gentle Touch vs. Firm Hand: The dinner with Shauna in the third chapter has Skinner settle into the role of the Firm Hand to Chalmers' Gentle Touch. Chalmers is canonically shown to be a Pushover Parent towards Shauna, which does explain her catty personality. And during her first dinner with her new stepdad, her rudeness ends up angering Skinner to the point where he decides to give her some much-needed discipline.
• Give Away the Bride: Gender-Inverted- Seymour Skinner is given away by his overbearing mother Agnes. Though to be fair, it's kind of expected he'd pick her to give him away, because not only is his father dead, he's a huge Momma's Boy.
• Glitter Litter: As a wedding gift, Bart gives Principal Skinner a spring-loaded glitter bomb, and Skinner ends up covered in glitter. Bart, naturally, gets sent to detention for this.
• Grammar Correction Gag: Skinner and Chalmers have a special table prepared for them during the wedding lunch, which the first-grade class decorated with construction paper hearts. Chalmers sees that one of the students wrote "Congrations On You're Marridge" on one of the hearts, and mentions to Skinner that his school's kids "need to improve their spelling".
• The Grunting Orgasm: Chalmers has this while Skinner is giving him a blowjob. The subsequent orgasm they both have during anal sex averts this, though, as when they climax, their lips are locked in a passionate kiss.
• Happily Married:
  • Homer and Marge, as in canon. Even though Marge doesn't appear in the fic, Homer mentions her in his speech as an example of what love is.
  • Gil Gunderson and Elizabeth Hoover. This fic was published two weeks after the release of "Habeas Tortoise", in which Gil Gunderson and Elizabeth Hoover (both of whom are revealed to be Conspiracy Theorists) bond over their shared beliefs and end up getting married. So the Gil/Elizabeth wedding was still fresh in the author's mind, hence why they're portrayed as a loving couple.
  • From what we hear of their relationship, Mr. Burns and Smithers. At some point between the events of the show and the events of this fic, Burns returned Smithers' long-unrequited affections and the two of them tied the knot. Smithers even took his last name, as he's referred to in the fic as "Waylon S. Burns". In the first chapter it's offhandedly stated that the only reason Mr. Burns agreed to let Homer have a day off work is because Smithers convinced him to do so upon hearing it was for a wedding, and all while giving him an "adorable pleading look" that Burns couldn't resist. The second chapter adds that after Homer ate the entire top tier of Burns and Smithers' wedding cake, Smithers gave Burns a "calm down" kiss to prevent him from flying into a white-hot rage on his own wedding day.
  • And, of course, the happy couple this fic centers around: Seymour Skinner and Gary Chalmers.
• High-Heel Power: Befitting her assertive, aloof, and sexually forward personality, Shauna wears platform high-heeled sandals at her father's wedding, which her aunt derisively refers to as "stripper shoes".
• Humanizing Tears: The first chapter portrays Agnes as jealous, bitter, smothering, and just as hateable as she is in canon, but in the second chapter, during her mother-son dance with Seymour, she loses all energy to be angry about her son moving out, and breaks down crying into Seymour's chest because she's going to miss him so much. Depending on where one stands on Agnes before reading this fic, this either lends some humanity to her or paints her as a total Drama Queen, both of which work.
• Hypocrite: Lisa states that Principal Skinner is this after he breaks up her and Nelson's kiss, since he and Chalmers have been snogging constantly throughout the whole reception.
• Insatiable Newlyweds: Immediately after the ceremony, Principal Skinner and Superintendent Chalmers begin furiously making out. However, their makeout session is cut short by Agnes Skinner, who smacks her son with a wedding program for his "lack of restraint".
  • And that's not even getting into what happens in the third chapter...
• I Want Grandkids: Agnes only went through with the marriage after Seymour promised that he and his husband would have children as soon as possible. Shortly after the engagement, he found a surrogate mother to carry his child, and she is said to be attending the ceremony while "heavily pregnant". It's implied that the baby the surrogate is pregnant with is Simon Skinner-Chalmers of The Simpsons: Team L.A.S.H. fame.
• Kindhearted Simpleton: Ralph Wiggum, as in canon. As dumb as he is, he's still a Cheerful Child with a lot of zest for life, and the story outright refers to him as "adorable".
• Lohengrin and Mendelssohn: For the recessional, the school band plays Mendelssohn's Wedding March as Skinner and Chalmers kiss each other. The music for the processional, however, is said to be Pachelbels Canon, which is also very commonly used at weddings.
• Malaproper: Ralph Wiggum refers to Superintendent Chalmers as "Super Nintendo Chalmers".
• Metalhead: Otto, as in canon. His Establishing Character Moment in the fic has him announce the arrival of the wedding party to "Enter Sandman" by Metallica. He's also in charge of the music for the reception, and mostly ends up playing rock and metal songs.
• Mondegreen Gag:
  Homer: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join these two in holy macaroni.
  Chalmers: (whispering) It's "matrimony".
  Homer: D'OH!
• Momma's Boy: As in canon, Seymour Skinner is this. Even though he's leaving the nest, he constantly reassures his mother that he still loves her deeply and nothing will ever change that. It does little to negate her bad mood, though. He also has Agnes walk him down the aisle to give him away.
• My Beloved Smother: Agnes Skinner; she is the Trope Namer, after all. Her adamant opposition to Seymour moving out and leaving her alone without anyone to parasitically rely on, and the state of depression she falls into when he finally does leave her, both receive a lot of focus in this fic. However, while in the show she treats him with scorn and only keeps him around because he's obedient to a fault, in this fic, she's shown to actually care about Seymour deep down, and in the epilogue, it's revealed that what she came to miss most after Seymour left the nest wasn't having him do everything for her, but rather, getting to spend time with him.
• Mystery Meat: In keeping with the show's numerous jokes about Springfield Elementary's cafeteria food being made of who-knows-what, when Bart asks if the burgers Lunchlady Dora made for the wedding lunch are made of real beef, Dora shrugs and says "Close enough."
• Named by the Adaptation:
  • We don't know the names of Superintendent Chalmers' parents in canon. However, this fic refers to them as Jeffrey and Angela.
  • Similarly, Leopold, Superintendent Chalmers' terrifying assistant, is only given one name, which could either be his first or his last. However, this fic gives him the full name "Leopold Stern".
• Obnoxious In-Laws: Agnes. She's in a bad mood throughout the entire wedding, and has been irritated and sickened by her son's relationship with Chalmers for as long as she had known they were dating. However, it's never stated that she has anything against Chalmers as a person (after all, he did date her once), but rather, she's just upset that she's no longer the #1 priority in Skinner's life, and unable to accept Skinner's decision to move out of her house and in with his new husband.
• Once Done, Never Forgotten: Apparently, at Mr. Burns and Smithers' wedding, Homer ate the entire top tier of their wedding cake, Cake Toppers and all. Bart and Lisa will not let him live this incident down.
• Parent with New Paramour: Shauna mentions during her best woman speech that when she heard her dad was marrying Principal Skinner, she thought they were "perfect for each other" because they're "both huge drips". She also mentioned that it was weird to have a dad that was dating someone, but she also found it kind of cute how much they cared about each other.
• Phoneaholic Teenager: Shauna. When she's introduced, she's texting her boyfriend and Chalmers has to remind her to get off her phone because the ceremony's about to start. And during the dinner scene, after Shauna ignores Skinner's request to put down her phone at the dinner table, Skinner confiscates it.
• Powerful People Are Subs: Subverted with Principal Skinner. He's in a position of authority (the principal of Springfield Elementary) and the third chapter shows that he's completely submissive in the bedroom. But then again, on the show, it's established that Skinner is an Extreme Doormat towards authority figures in his life, and in this fic, he's in a romantic relationship with his boss.
• The Prankster: Bart, as in canon; he even pranks Principal Skinner on his own wedding day.
• Ready for Lovemaking: After Chalmers reveals that he was wearing sexy lingerie underneath his tuxedo the entire time, he lays down on his bed in a sexy pose and makes a beckoning gesture with his finger, suggesting that he's ready for sex. It works, as the sight alone causes Skinner's penis to "embiggen" and he dives into bed with Chalmers.
• Real Men Wear Pink: No-nonsense war veteran Seymour Skinner has no qualms about carrying a bouquet during his wedding. When he's heckled about it by Kearney, he sternly threatens Kearney with detention if he doesn't cut it out.
• Second Love: Skinner and Chalmers, to each other. Chalmers' wife Rosemary died of illness, and Skinner's fiancee Edna dumped him at the altar. However, they ended up falling in love with each other, and realized that they were meant to be. Heck, when Chalmers is saying his vows, he refers to Skinner as his "greatest second chance".
• Security Cling: During the mother-son dance, Agnes holds her son Seymour "very close to her, almost uncomfortably so".
• Shaped Like Itself:
  "WOO HOO!" Homer said, rather Homerishly.
• Sickeningly Sweethearts: Skinner and Chalmers, according to Agnes. She is very irritated by Skinner's constant gushing about his boyfriend, and is particularly annoyed by the endless cycle of "No, You Hang Up First" that results whenever she needs him to get off the phone to help her with something.
• Sled Dogs Through the Snow: One of the things Gary and Seymour do on their honeymoon in Alaska is go dog-sledding, combining this trope with Romantic Ride Sharing.
• Sleep Cute: At the end of the third chapter, as they're laying in bed, Skinner cuddles up to Chalmers and rests his head on his chest. Chalmers returns the hug, and the two of them fall asleep that way.
• Sleeping with the Boss: Skinner and Chalmers' relationship is a mutually consensual, positively-portrayed example of this. Even though Chalmers is Skinner's boss, the two of them fell in love and entered a sexual relationship.
• Snow Means Love: Skinner and Chalmers' honeymoon, which takes place in Alaska.
• Stocking Filler: On their wedding night, Chalmers wears, among other things, thigh-high stockings held up by garters.
• Suddenly Shouting: In keeping with the show's Running Gag of having Superintendent Chalmers always scream "SKINNER!" or anything that sounds like it, at one point, Chalmers says "I'll get started on DIN-NERRRRRR!"
• Sugar-and-Ice Personality: Skinner is described as having such a personality in the third chapter, which honestly isn't too far off from canon; from what we see on the show, he takes education very seriously and can be quite harsh, but towards those who befriend him (or towards those whose respect he wants to earn), he's kind and accomodating.
  Yes, he was stern and no-nonsense towards the majority of people, but when he was with the ones he held most dear, he became a total sweetheart, like some kind of reverse Jekyll & Hyde. Indeed, Chalmers was very fortunate to have someone as considerate as him as a partner for life.
• Sweetheart Sipping: During their wedding lunch, Skinner grabs a carton of milk and two straws, and he and Chalmers proceed to drink from it together.
  Homer: Look at you two sweethearts! Sipping your drink together like the lovebirds you are.
• Sweet Tooth: Every single student at Springfield Elementary. When Chalmers announces it's time to cut the wedding cake, all the kids get really excited and cheer "CAKE! CAKE! CAKE!" in unison.
• Teeny Weenie: As is implied in "Bart Gets A 'Z'", Skinner is stated to have a small penis. Its length when erect is specifically given as "a mere three inches". Fortunately, Chalmers doesn't mind its length (or lack thereof), and even finds it endearing.
• Themed Wedding: Principal Skinner and Superintendent Chalmers' wedding takes place at Springfield Elementary during school hours, and as such, a lot of aspects of the wedding are... school-themed. The invited guests had to sign permission slips instead of send back RSVPs, the music is played by the school band, the bouquets held by the female attendants are carnations placed in water mixed with food coloring to change their color (a simple experiment often done in grade-school science classes), the reading is done by students called on from the audience to "test their reading comprehension", the wedding meal doubles as school lunch, the kids are graded by their gym teacher on their dancing ability during the reception, and the confetti the guests throw at the newlyweds is made of shredded-up test papers.
• Through His Stomach: In order to showcase his love for his new husband and welcome him to his new home, Chalmers makes a very nice dinner for Skinner, complete with glasses of home-brewed ale.
• Unusual Euphemism: The chapter describing Skinner and Chalmers' wedding night is titled "Steaming Each Others' Hams".
• Vague Age: A variant. While we can easily extrapolate how old Ralph Wiggum is (he's 8 in canon and this takes place 2 years after canon, so he'd be around 10), it's never specified what grade he's in. Since some "future" episodes of The Simpsons depict Ralph as being in the same grade as Lisa and others depict him as still being in second grade, it's understandable why FlamingMercury5 decided to Take a Third Option by leaving it ambiguous.
• The Vietnam Vet: Skinner's time in Vietnam is brought up on quite a few occasions, mostly in the context of "it was terrible, but now that he's reached his happily ever after with Gary, he can finally put that pain behnid him".
• Violent Glaswegian: Groundskeeper Willie, as in canon. Even his best man speech is loud and obnoxious.
• Wholesome Crossdresser: Superintendent Chalmers wears sexy bridal lingerie (a white bustier with garter straps, a thong, and thigh-high stockings, all of which are trimmed with lace) underneath his tuxedo throughout the entire wedding, all so he can give Principal Skinner a pleasant surprise on their wedding night.
• Wintry Auroral Sky: One of the reasons Chalmers decides to have he and Skinner's honeymoon in Alaska of all places is so the two of them can finally see the aurora borealis together. (The reason why he wants to see it should be quite obvious.) And in the epilogue, Chalmers brings Skinner outside at night to see it, and the two of them watch the northern lights while cuddling up to each other.
• Your Makeup Is Running: As Agnes is crying over her son leaving the nest, her makeup begins to run.