"Put your armor in the hole. Could be a way to say. Use protection. It is important that everyone has safe sex. That is why I am writing this book. Also I do not know where babies come from."
How to Sex Vol. 4-58
is an Alternate Universe Fic of the Dream SMP by Goldenrayofsunshine, posted on Archive of Our Own. It explores a situation where Punz doesn't bring in the rest of the server to save Tommy and Tubbo from Dream, which results in Tubbo being killed and Tommy being locked up in Pandora's Vault. Obviously, this causes Tommy to go through a lot of Sanity Slippage while in captivity.
Contrary to what the title would indicate, the fic is completely Safe For Work, and not a Crack Fic (though it may look like it on the surface). Instead, it's an exploration of Tommy's deteriorating mental state, his traumatic past, and his experience of Pandora's Vault.
Due to the fic being nigh-incomprehensible without context, all spoilers for this fic, as well as the events of Season 2 of the Dream SMP, will be unmarked. You Have Been Warned.
How to Sex Vol. 4-58 contains examples of:
- All Women Love Shoes: Discussed.Where did my shoe go? If Dream stole it I will be mad. Women love shoes. If girls see me like this they will say L. Dream has no shoe game. He is wearing fake Yeezys.
- Alternate Universe Fic: The fic is set in a canon-divergent universe where Punz and the rest of The Cavalry do not save Tommy and Tubbo from Dream.
- Ambiguous Situation: While describing the prison cell, Tommy claims that there is "Blood. blood. Blood. So much fucking blood". It is unknown whether the blood is a result of him hallucinating or if it was Dream hurting him even more in prison. Knowing Dream, we wouldn't put it past him to do so.doingmothing (formerly Ochokinode): It honestly makes me wonder if Tommy is hallucinating the blood or not? Like, he could be easily hallucinating it, but at the same time it could also totally be real, and that uncertainty is SO FUCKING GOOD.
- The Bad Guy Wins: The fanfic takes place in an AU where Dream wins and gets what he wants at the end of Season 2.
- Bathos: The fic practically runs on this, with angsty and funny elements alternating practically every other line. Of course, this is mainly to reflect on Tommy's thought patterns in canon, because even with all the trauma and despair, it's still TommyInnit, after all.
- Bread, Eggs, Milk, Squick:Here is a list of things I can see: Lava. Piss Cauldron. Chest. IMPORTANT book. wall. floor. ceiling. Blood. blood. Blood. So much fucking blood. Big man. Lectern.
- Call-Back: The entire fic is filled to the brim with these, which include the "Your Tubbo" compass Ghostbur gave Tommy while in Exile, the whole "Calm yourself, have a carrot" saying that prompted Ghostbur to adopt it as his catchphrase with certain alterations, and many, many of the traumatic events he had experienced up to that point.
- Cannot Talk to Women: Being canonically this, Tommy finds that "[a]ll women are strange".
- Casual Kink: Either discussed or conversed when Tommy notes that Sam, the warden of the prison, is "a Man in Uniform".Women are attracted to uniforms and I think that is strange.
- Cloud Cuckoo Lander: While some of Tommy's strange views on the world can be explained by his traumatic past, a lot of it is just Tommy being Tommy.For sex, you need a bed, a door, a roof, and either three bread or six beetroot in your inventory.
- Conditioned to Accept Horror: At the point in time Tommy writes this, he is surprisingly nonchalant about his own mental health issues and the trauma he has experienced.
- Deceptively Silly Title: Despite supposedly being a series of novels on how to have sex and be in relationships with women, it covers a lot more than that… specifically, a teenager having an extensive breakdown.totallynotbaku: HOW THE FUCK DID YOU MANAGE TO MAKE "HOW TO SEX" ANGSTY
- Despair Event Horizon: It is evident that Tommy has basically been driven to this stage before the fic even started, the fic simply explores his mental state after having crossed the DEH.
- Determinator: Despite Tommy's horrible situation and fragile mental state, he's absolutely determined not to let Dream break him.Dream locked me up in jail. And he took away my friends. And all the women. And my snapchat. I am clingy. So he thinks I will break into a million pieces. But I have books to write.
- Driven to Suicide: Tommy briefly mentions his aborted suicide attempt on top of the cobblestone tower in Logstedshire in canon.Sex is when you build a big tower all the way up to the clouds, and then say Fuck This.
- Go Mad from the Isolation: Implied. Tommy mentions that he was in "solitary confinement" and judging by his description of the prison cell he was held in, it's likely in the maximum security cell. With Tommy hating being alone, having pre-existing mental health problems before stepping foot into the prison, and having witnessed his Heterosexual Life-Partner getting brutally murdered in front of him, it's no surprise that his mental health is less than stellar.
- It Makes Sense in Context: A lot of the content of the volumes only really make sense with either knowledge of certain tidbits of the Dream SMP, or the ability to follow Tommy's mind in jumping from one topic to another by association alone.
- Karma Houdini: It's heavily implied that Dream gets away with his crimes against the members of the SMP in this AU.
- Metaphorically True: One of the lines in the summary and in the fic classifies as this — specifically, "Put your armor in the hole. Could be a way to say. Use protection." When you think about it, armour is a form of combat gear used for protection, while contraceptives like condoms, aka "protection", ought to be worn while having sex, i.e. putting various body parts into holes in the body.
- Mood Whiplash: Due to the sheer amount of Bathos, this has occurred several times, most notably:Dream should be in prison, not me. He cheated on his speedrun. Also he is a child murderer.
- Non-Indicative Title: Despite the title, the work is perfectly safe for work if you don't overthink a certain line.
- Sanity Slippage: The fic details Tommy going through this while being held in captivity. The summary of the fanfic even claims as such:Tommy's Mental Decline in Captivity, told through his own Magnum Opus.
- Teen Pregnancy: Briefly mentioned in the fic.If you have a baby you don't want you should leave it by the side of the road. That is called a teenage pregnancy.
- That Liar Lies: Tommy accuses Dream of being "a big liar" at one point.
- Tragic Bromance: Even as of the point in time this is written in-universe, Tommy is still grieving for Tubbo and clearly misses him.
- Trauma Button: In the narration, Tommy very notably strays whenever covering topics related to his Trauma Conga Line, and by straying, we mean either straying away from the topic or going into a tad too much detail about it. Examples include holes, (possibly) buttons, the Final Control Room, suicide, other aspects of his Exile, the Disc War finale (which went badly in the AU) and his best friend's murder during it, etc.I will escape like an action hero with explosions and shit. explode – hnnnn. Blow a big hole in the wall of…. I do not like holes.
[...]
Beets are like potatoes because they get buried in the ground. Like… - Trauma Conga Line: In this AU, Tommy had to endure everything he went through in the first 2 canonical seasons, which is a lot in itself, and now add having to watch his best friend get killed in front of him and being sentenced to a prison filled to the brim with all of his triggers indefinitely to the list. Man.
- War Is Hell: Tommy's exceptionally long Trauma Conga Line contains elements of this, with the fic mentioning his trauma from the Final Control Room betrayal-massacre and possibly his duel against Dream for L'Manberg's independence. What makes this worse is that Tommy was a teenager (usually approximated to be 16) when he fought in the war.I pressed a button once and then terrible things happened. Men came out of the walls.
- Would Hurt a Child: Dream has subjected both Tommy and Tubbo to horrible abuse. Lots of emphasis is placed on him killing Tubbo, who was 17 years old at the time. Several lines also indicate that he heavily mistreats Tommy (aged 16, possibly 17), as Tommy describes the cell as being covered in blood, has no food other than potatoes and no company other than Dream, and even describes Dream physically abusing him.He stepped on me and it hurt. But that does not mean he is not a Loser.
"I am a big Author. I am famous just like Elon Musk. Someday I will escape and publish my book and make a billion dollars. That will make a pop star woman fall in love with me. She can do a cover of the discs.
It is very lonely here.
I am not broken."
It is very lonely here.
I am not broken."
