"'I will bring justice like milkman brings milk: Bottled and without mercy!' Garfield quipped with cleverness."
''I like reading and writing good stories ;-). I also enjoy video games and anime.
Shakespeare and Hemingway are my favorite writers! I would hope they influence me!
I also like Garfield very much and enjoy writing about him!
Thank you for reading my stories it means much to me!
I am currently writing a fanfic about mass effect! It is going to be multi part and pretty epic I think! ;-)
Thank you all for comments good and bad! Bad comments afterall are just good comments upside down!
I like to wish all Happy New Years and thank everyone who reads my stories!''
— Shakespeare Hemmingway
Shakespeare Hemmingway is an infamous creator of Fan Fiction. Of these, there are many but Mr. Hemmingway has still managed to stand out among the crowd by solely writing Rated M for Manly stories starring Garfield.
Yes, that Garfield.
No wait, that's not entirely fair. He is infamous to an equal degree by constantly writing stories that make no sense, are littered with typos and malapropisms, abuse Said Bookism, contain gratuitous Ikea Erotica, and shoehorn Garfield into the most ill-conceived and ill-fitting canons imaginable.
His works really need to be seen to be believed.
Or if you'd rather listen, then this YouTuber is to be recommended.
Works with their own pages include:
"Garfield troped with tropes of trope":
- Achievements in Ignorance: Most agree that regardless of whether or not Shakespeare Hemmingway is serious, his stories are 100% more entertaining than much real Fan Fiction!
- Adaptational Badass: Garfield and Jon Arbuckle are portrayed as Action Heroes, rather than the lazy cat and dorky man they are in canon.
- The Ahnold: Botsy plays Garfield like this in his YouTube readings.
- Artistic License – History: Any story set in a non-contemporary setting has this, but Garfield, King of Liberty takes the cake.
- Author Appeal: Has written several British themed stories, so it's easy to guess that he or she is either British or an Anglophile.
- Bling-Bling-BANG!: Jon Arbuckle apparently owns a pair of golden revolvers. He uses them to great effect against some vampire gangsters in "Garfield: First Blood".
- Character Exaggeration: One of Garfield's few recognizable character traits is his love of lasagna... which is taken to ludicrous extremes. He drives a lasagna car with a lasagna license plate, smokes lasagna cigarettes, drinks lasagna martinis, and even recorded a song titled "Love is Lasagna".
- Chickification: Female heroines and even real women of impressive backgrounds are reduced into being nothing more than Garfield's ditzy, swooning, lovesick harem.
- Crack Fic: Let's be blunt: just about everything this guy writes is batshit insane.
- Cruel Mercy: By far the most brutal kill Garfield has ever performed, is in Royal Rescue part 2 when Prince Harry begs him for death. He punches him so hard that his eyes pop out and blood shoots out of every pore on his body!Garfield: "Feeel myyy meeercy!"
- Department of Redundancy Department:
- It was a sunny day when Garfield was practicing Tai Chi on the roof top to harness his inner strength when he heard panic. "Garfield there is panic!" Said Jon Arbuckle.
- Do Not Adjust Your Set: "The Garfield Bowl" has Kanye West hijacking a TV broadcast to threaten the Super Bowl committee.
- Early-Installment Weirdness: The author's first fic (Batman: Inner Questions) also happens to be one of only four non-Garfield-related fics he/she has written. It also seems to be written as less of a deliberate Troll Fic than his/her later works.
- The author's first Garfield-related fic, Garfield: Maximum Speed, a bizarre Harry Potter crossover, also qualifies due to Odie (who is entirely absent from most of his/her later works due to being Killed Off for Real in the author's second Garfield fic, a crossover with First Blood, after betraying Garfield and subsequently facing his wrath) being briefly featured in the opening and the fic wielding a less baroquely-absurd form of Beige Prose than Shakespeare Hemmingway's later works are known for.
- Folk Hero: This canon's version of Garfield acts as a demented invocation of this archetype.
- Girl on Girl Is Hot: One of Garfields favorite activities is to watch "ladies pleasure eachother for my entertainment" while smoking "lasagna cigarettes."
- Guns Akimbo: In "Garfield: First Blood" Jon Arbuckle takes out several vampire gangsters with his two "golden revolvers".
- Historical Villain Upgrade:
- Lionel Logue is depicted as a Nazi spy in "The King's Garfield".
- Whatever one may think of Kanye West, it's very doubtful he'd react to a perceived snub by threatening to infect people with Ebola.
- I Call Him "Mr. Happy": Garfield has a "cosmic love Katana". Or more disgustingly, a "slimy earthworm of pleasure."
- In Name Only: Besides being an orange cat that likes lasagna, this Garfield bears absolutely no resemblance to his cartoon counterpart. This is usually also true of the characters from other media, who are generally turned into ludicrously one-dimensional caricatures.
- Interspecies Romance: Almost every one of his fics involves some sort of sexual encounter between human women and Garfield. Nobody in-universe ever seems to find this abnormal.
- Killed Off for Real: Prince William, Prince Harry, numerous royal guards and druids and Sarah Ferguson during the Garfield: Royal Rescue saga, in addition to a bevy of antagonists throughout the author's other fics, usually at the hands of Garfield.
- Frasier: Blood Brothers is a particular kill-fest, with Martin Crane, Donny, Noel Shempsky, Bulldog Briscoe, Gil Chesterton, Sam Malone and Niles Crane all biting the dust, leaving Frasier, Roz, Daphne and Eddie as the only survivors.
- Master of All: Garfield is portrayed as a suave, witty, muscular lothario who owns a red Corvette, has written and performed an international hit single (the
masterful Love is Lasagna), is able to easily deflect a laser beam from Big Ben with his own fist AND is the greatest jazz musician of all time on top of it. - Mind-Control Eyes: In The King's Garfield, King George's eyes become "spiraled with hypnosis" when the Nazis activate a mind-control device in his crown.
- Rated M for Manly: Not only are all stories this, it's also a discussed trope, since Garfield seemingly can't do anything without first banging on about how manly he or it is.
- A Real Man Is a Killer: Garfield, obviously. Zero Prejudice stands out as the only story in which he doesn't kill anyone, and even in that he injures several rugby players and threatens to shoot a child.
- Real Men Wear Pink: Has written tons of stories where Garfield crosses over into such masculine fare as The King's Speech, La La Land and The Social Network.
- Real-Person Fic: Many of his stories incorporate real people. Most of the men are helpless wimps or villains while the women all exist to trade horrible innuendo with Garfield or beg him for sex.
- Serious Business: Fail to invite Garfield to the royal wedding? You're dead. Ever so slightly question Garfield's masculinity? You're stone fucking dead. Snub Kanye West for the Super Bowl performance? He will inject people with Ebola and send biker gangs armed with Ebola rifles to chase you down.
- Sibling Incest: If you ever wanted to read about a lesbian encounter between Kate and Pippa Middleton for the pleasure of a cat that they're both shagging, Shakeapeare Hemmingway has you covered, you sick bastard.
- Smoking Is Cool: Garfield has a fondness for lasagna cigarettes.
- Strictly Formula: All of his stories follow one simple strand of events: Garfield meets bad guy. Garfield attacks bad guy. Bad guy defends himself in vain, but still gets destroyed. Jon Arbuckle may or may not show up to help, while shouting his trademark battle cry. Garfield also gets laid at some point. The end.
- This Cannot Be!: Kim Kardashian's reaction to hearing that her husband won't be performing at the Super Bowl halftime show.
- Trademark Favorite Food: His love of lasagna is pretty much the only character trait that this version of Garfield shares with his canon counterpart - although, like most things, it's taken ludicrously over the top.
- Troll Fic: Some readers are convinced his works are this, though nobody's quite sure yet.
- Unusual Euphemism: Always. Usually food related.
- Villain Song: In "The Garfield Bowl", Kanye has a song mocking Garfield called "Lasagna is for the Poser".
- We Interrupt This Program: Happens in "The Garfield Bowl" just before Kanye makes his threat to the Super Bowl committee.
AMAKOOO!
