Main Show Hosts
- Played by: Arnie Niekamp
Arnie is a human from from Earth. He fell through a magical portal behind the drive through at a Burger King in Chicago, and found himself in the magical land of Foon.
- Do Not Call Me "Paul": Dislikes being called Arnold.
- Given Name Reveal: Later, we get to know that Arnie's given name is Arnold, which happened to be very similar to Arnor, famous mythical hero in Foon with legendary achievements, and also you get to shorten your name only if you have achieved deeds twice the famous person, who has same name as you, has.
- Innocently Insensitive: Arnie often unintentionally insults his guests (and sometimes his co-hosts), often by simply not knowing what is or isn't appropriate to say. His co-hosts are usually quick to call him out on it.Arnie, introducing an imp while sitting next to a shapeshifter and a wizard: I'm excited! I feel like it's been a while since we've had a truly magical guest.
Usidore: How dare you? HOW DARE YOU? HOW DARE YOU??
Arnie: I wish that was an intentional insult, but it really-
Chunt: You know I'm a shapeshifter, right?
Arnie: That's true, that's true! Chunt, you are truly magical as well.
Chunt: You're a dick. - Mistaken for Gay: In Foon, the first rumor about anyone is that they're gay, and Arnie's gay rumor is spread by Chunt.
- Once per Episode: Arnie almost always gives a brief rundown of how he would up in Foon at the beginning of every episode.
- Token Human: Arnie acts as this in most episodes, though humans are sometimes interviewed.
- Unfortunate Names: Chunt and Usidore like to point out how "Arnie Niekamp" is awkward to say.
- Played by: Adal Rifai
Chunt is a changeling who changes shape (usually) 2 weeks after engaging in sexual acts with the species/person/magical item whose shape he would like to take. Later in the series, he gains the ability to shapeshift at will.
- Affectionate Nickname: His cohosts sometimes call him "Chu-Chu".
- Becoming the Mask: In season 2, episode 26, it's revealed that Chunt's personality as heard on the podcast is just a persona, and he has a deeper voice and is nicer to Arnie in real life. But after Arnie rejects his marriage proposal, he shifts into his persona's voice, and starts manically spouting catchphrases. Arnie is distressed at having accidentally upset Chunt to the point of destroying his sincerity.
- Beneath the Mask: Season 2, episode 26 reveals that Chunt has a different voice and is much nicer to Arnie when not recording the podcast. After Arnie rejects Chunt's marriage proposal, he's mentally shaken, and his podcast persona becomes his real personality.
- Bizarre Alien Reproduction: Shapeshifters (or at least male shapeshifters) only produce one sperm in their entire life, and must preserve this sperm and insert it into a mate if they want to produce a child.
- Character Catchphrase: Chunt has loads of these, and invents new ones frequently. Some examples include "Chunt's up with that?" "Chunt please!" and "Bing-bong!"
- The Charmer: He talks smoothly and flirts with lots of creatures. He is very popular and it seems everyone is willing to sacrifice for Chunt's sake. For example, Larry Birdman wants Chunt to join Mittens. Also, his partner has never made it out alive in Make-out Point because they always choose for Chunt to survive.
- Extreme Omnisexual: Chunt flirts and sleeps with creatures of all gender and species. His sexual and romantic partners include multiple badgers, a tiny horse, a crocodile, and a cockroach.
- Hybrid Monster: Shapeshifters like Chunt are born from the union of a manticore and a hunger ghost.
- Jerk with a Heart of Gold: Chunt loves giving his friends a hard time, and can be incredibly callous and mean, especially towards Arnie. But he's a good dude deep down; he truly cares about his friends and wants them to be happy.
- Munchkin: Within the games of the tabletop roleplaying game Offices and Bosses, Chunt plays as a murderhobo who solves all problems by stabbing his coworkers with a sword.
- Only One Name: Chunt.
- Sex Magic: He has the power to shapeshift into any creature by having sex with that creature.
- Shapeshifting: Chunt takes the form of whatever being he last had sex with.
- Voluntary Shapeshifting: In season 3 he discovers that having sex with Twosidor allowed him to shapeshift at will, but every form retains his badger markings.
- Talking Animal: Foon has many different kinds of talking animals. Chunt is a shapeshifter in the form of talking badger.
- Tsundere: Chunt usually vacillates between insulting Arnie, and wanting to marry or sleep with him.
- Played by: Matt Young
Usidore is a wizard and regular guest on Arnie's podcast.
- Born as an Adult: All wizards are born this way.
- Born of Magic: Usidore the Blue came into the world fully formed as an adult. He was born of wind, fire, earth, and birds (and lightning and some frogs).
- Casting a Shadow: Usidore uses his shadow manipulation to create objects.
- Inept Mage: Downplayed. Arnie frequently suspects that Usidore can't actually do magic, and he's always going around giving people "magic" rocks that don't do anything. Usidore can actually do magic, but it's pretty underwhelming: he once failed to conjure up a full-sized cow, producing only a dog-sized one, and his magical abilities pale in comparison to Spintax's.
- Large Ham: Usidore is frequently shouting things at the top of his lungs, especially his name during the episode intro.
- Light 'em Up: Can light candles with a spell.
- Magic Staff: Usidore's is made of birch, topped with a hexatite crystal.
- Running Gag: His extremely long name and his ongoing quest to recruit adventurers to defeat the Dark Lord are the most prominent ones. Others include his hatred of starlings, his use of "magical" rocks, and for a time, his desire to put soup in his butt.
- Shock and Awe: Uses his "Miniscule Lightning" spell to help Arnie power his electronic equipment while in Foon.
- Suddenly Shouting: He has a habit of doing this, usually when he gets on the topic of his creation or his grand quest to defeat the Dark Lord.
- Try to Fit That on a Business Card: Usidore, Wizard of the 12th Realm of Ephysiyies, Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of Magical Delights, Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Terr'akkas. The elves know him as Fi’ang Yalok, the dwarves know him as Zoenen Hoogstandjes, and he is known in the Northeast as Gaismunēnas Meistar, are there may be other names you do not know yet.
- Wizard Classic: How Arnie describes Usidore.
- Wizards Live Longer: Usidore is hundreds, if not thousands of years old.
Hogsface
- The Ghost: Despite being present at every recording, Mundle is mute and is there simply to provide the show's theme.
- The Speechless: Is entirely mute, only producing sound when playing the intro/outro music and occasionally playing his vibraslap as a response to someone addressing him.
- Too Many Mouths: Apparently has multiple mouths, which he uses to play multiple instruments at once.
- Vertebrate with Extra Limbs: As established in Season 2, Episode 6, Mundle plays all the instruments in the intro/outro theme with his many arms.
- Played by: Nick Baer
- Half-Human Hybrid: He’s half-human, half-elf.
- Played by: Tawny Newsome
- Played by: Brooke Breit
- A Dog Named "Dog": A flower named Flower. Apparently, most talking flowers are named Flower.
- Foul Flower: Downplayed. She’s not evil, but she does have more of an attitude than you’d expect from a tiny flower, and is prone to cursing and insults.
- Make a Wish: After being thrown off a cliff by Arnie, she survived, but couldn’t move due to her lack of legs. Taking the advice from a book she read, she screamed aloud about how much she wants to have legs until she successfully grew them.
- Plant Person: She’s a sentient, talking flower.
- Played by: Rush Howell
- Played by: Mark Logsdon
- Played by: Louie Sanders
- Played by: Tom Gottleib
- Played by: Blaine Swen
- Played by: Marla Caceres and Eddie Piña
- Played by: Bill Arnett
- Played by: Alex Eilhauer
- Immortality: Melchior’s career comes with immortality, as it is necessary for him to live until the world’s end.
- Played by: Dana Quercioli
- The Infiltration: After the Dark Lord conquered Hogsface, she reassumed her “Gregor” persona and became a guard in order to covertly help the heroes.
- Paper-Thin Disguise: Somehow managed to pass as a man for years, despite her strategy for acting like a man mostly consisting of saying “I am a man” and “I have a penis”.
- Sweet Polly Oliver: Disguised herself as a man for years in order to get the respect of her male coworkers. Later reassumed this disguise to conceal her identity while working as a guard for the Dark Lord.
- Played by: Sean Kelley
- Played by: Erica Elam
- Played by: Beth Melewski
- Played by: Matt Young
- Big Eater: Loves pizza, and can devour a massive amount in one sitting.
- Escaped from Hell: Escaped from Pizza Hell and returned to Earth by completing seven great pizza-related challenges.
- Flying Face: Is a giant floating skull with no body.
- Food-Based Superpowers: Has pizza-themed powers, allowing him to instantly create pizza or turn things into pizza.
- Power-Up Food: His powers are fueled by eating pizza.
- Trademark Favorite Food: Pizza. It’s practically his entire personality.
- Played by: Sarah Logsdon
- Ridiculously Cute Critter: A piglet with fairy wings who likes to dance adorably.
- Played by: Becca Barish
- Never Grew Up: As a Forever Girl, Eternia is eternally a child.
- Rapid Aging: She suffers this in Season 2 when her eternal youth begins to falter due to the Dark Lord’s influences.
- Unfortunate Name: As the daughter of a kindly blind woman, she’s considered a Notsee (pronounced “Nazi”). In Foon, Notsees are known to be extremely kind and charitable people, but Arnie is very uncomfortable with the term.
- Played by: Sarah Shockey
- No Indoor Voice: Daphne’s default tone of voice is shouting through angry tears.
- Played by: Adal Rifai
- Played by: Adal Rifai
- Played by: Asher Perlman
- Little People: He's two squirrels tall.
- The Prankster: He loves to play pranks.
- Punny Name: His name sounds like "April Fool's", fitting his nature as a prankster.
- Played by: Travis McElroy
- Affably Evil: He’s very friendly for a monster that eats people for fun.
- Chest Monster: He’s a mimic in the form of a chest.
- Promoted Fanboy: In-universe. Chest has been listening to every episode, and is excited to finally appear as a guest.
- Remember the New Guy?: Apparently, Chest has always been audible in the background of every past episode.
The Northeast Kingdom
- Played by: Steve Waltien
The prince of the Northeast Kingdom and presumptive heir to the throne. Tomblain has fled his responsibility to pursue his dreams of becoming an actor. Tomblain is one of the most frequent guests on the show and acted as a co-host during some parts of Season 3.
- Disguised in Drag: In season 2, he disguises himself as the Baron's wife.
- King Incognito: Calls himself “Tom the Traveler” and acts as a commoner while performing in his acting troupe.
- Paper-Thin Disguise: His disguises are often of this nature. For example, in season 2, he disguises himself as a series of bats, and in this disguise, he introduces himself by saying "Hello. I am a series of bats." Everyone in-universe considers this to be a great display of acting skill and falls for the act easily.
- Played by: Megan O'Neill
The princess of the Northeast Kingdom and second in line to the throne. Trachea is on a quest to find her missing brother so that she may eliminate him and seize the throne for herself.
The King of the Northeast Kingdom, his reign has been long and prosperous, and his rule has helped keep the forces of the Dark Lord at bay.
The Queen of the Northeast Kingdom, known for her beauty so great that angels wept when she was born.
- Played by: Brendan Dowling
The adjunct eunuch and Chancellor of Secrets in the court of Titania Belaroth.
The Forces of Evil
- Played by: Unknown
- Played by: Martin Wilson
- Half-Human Hybrid: Blemish is half-dwarf.
- Played by: Ross Bryant
- Played by: Chris Rathjen
- Affably Evil: Displays kindness and respect, despite his affiliation with the Dark Lord.
- Played by: Sarah Shockey
- Talking Animal: Squibbert is a talking frog.
- Played by: Kevin Sciretta
- The Worm That Walks: His body is made up of 1,000 snakes.
- Played by: Sarah Logsdon
- Played by: Gilbert Gottfried
- The Cameo: He’s played by Gilbert Gottfried, a much more famous name than the podcast can usually afford.
- Character Catchphrase: “You can’t spell ‘manslaughter’ without ‘laughter’!”
- Creepy Cockroach: He’s both this and a Monster Clown.
- Egg-Laying Male: He claims to have an egg sac, despite being referred to exclusively as male.
- Monster Clown: He’s consistently terrifying and makes vague threats of violence.
- Unseen No More: Makes his first appearance in Season 2, Episode 32 after being referenced many times throughout the season.
Wizards
- Bizarre Alien Biology: All wizards have two buttholes.
- Born as an Adult: Wizards come into being as fully grown adults.
- Color-Coded Wizardry: Each wizard is known by a specific color (Usidore the Blue, Spintax the Green, etc.).
- Healing Factor: Wizards can grow new body parts after losing them (though the parts they regenerate aren’t always the same parts they lost).
- Try to Fit That on a Business Card: All wizards introduced thus far have a very long list of names and titles, including various secret names they do not reveal.
- Wizards Live Longer: Wizards are nonhuman and practically immortal. Most wizard characters are hundreds if not thousands of years old. Can is an exaggerated example, having lived until the end of time more than once.
- Played by: Charlie McCrackin
- Loved by All: With the exception of Usidore, everyone admires Spintax greatly.
- Try to Fit That on a Business Card: Spintax the Green, Master of the Third, Ninth, and Twelfth Realms of Ephysiyies, Wielder of Arcane Forces Compelling the Living and the Dead, Diviner of Unknowable Truths, Caster of Illusions, Destroyer of Lies, Dissolver of the Wall of Fire, Imbiber of the Nine Deadly Poisons, Author of the Pandenomicon, and Winner of the Wizard's Choice Award. The Dwarfs know him as Nickelback Silverchair, the Angels know him as Mama Cassai'el, the Vampires know him as Cameron Orlando, in the South he is known as Lodestone Greatcraft, and there are other secret names you won’t hear from his lips.
- Played by: Arnie Niekamp
- Reincarnation: He lives until the end of time, then reincarnates and does it all again. He’s done this more than once, and multiple versions of him exist at once.
- Temporal Duplication: Once Can reaches the Natural End of Time, he reincarnates in a new version of the timeline with his memories intact. His previous incarnations remain in the new timeline, and eventually, there will be an overabundance of Cans in one timeline.
- Try to Fit That on a Business Card: Caneficent Dewspring, Master of Space and Time, Headmaster of the Jizzlenob Preparatory School for Young Wizards. The Elves did know him as Cannigan the Everliving, the Elves do know him as Candle Dewspice, the Elves will know him as Candy Crowley; the Dwarfs did know him as Canned Heat, the Dwarfs do know him as Canticle Lebowitz, and the Dwarfs will know him as Canban Scrummaster, and so on, and so forth.
- Played by: Anthony LeBlanc
- Try to Fit That on a Business Card: Jamillious Washington, Bringer of Feast and Famine, Master of the Great Plantation, Shatterer of the Triangle Trade Winds. The Dwarfs know him as Dat Dude, the Elves know him as Always Holdin', and he’s also known in the Far South as Boy.
- Played by: Felicia Day
- Fantastic Medicinal Bodily Product: Jyn'Leeviyah can consume certain ingredients and defecate magical “poo-tions” from her second butthole.
- Intimate Healing: She has the power to heal and empower any being by having sex with them.
- Sex Magic: Her main ability is healing others through fornication.
- Try to Fit That on a Business Card: Jyn'Leeviyah, Wizard of the Sixth Realm of Ephysiyies, Mistress of Nature and Nurture, Reviver of the Springs of Gu’uthmagit, Seer of the Prophecies of the Temziet Mists, Keeper of the Sacred Tome of Deyfral, and two-time Wizard's Choice Award nominee. The Elves know her as Perimmäin So’it’thuri, the Vampires know her as Beyonce Bloodlust, the Tree Folk know her as Opal Vinewitch, and upon the isle of Migas, she is known as Ukkosta Kassvista. And ask her of her other names, and she shall gladly share all.
Other Dimensions
- Played by: Arnie Niekamp
- Played by: Adal Rifai
- Played by: Matt Young
- Try to Fit That on a Business Card: Usidore, Emissary of the Dark Lord of Foon, Fallen Wizard of the Realms of Ephysiyies, Sorcerer Bound of the Gylothian Clan, Sourge of the Battle of the Thirteen Armies, Immolator of the Wall of Fire, Disembowler of the Great Dragon Krazevesky, Defacer of the Great Halls of Terr'akkas. The fairfolk know him as Fairfy Usolo, the orcs know him as Toomsas Naysayja, and someday he will have names capable of tearing the world asunder.
- Played by: Arnie Niekamp
- Played by: Adal Rifai
- Talking Animal: Champ is a talking horse.
- Played by: Matt Young
- Try to Fit That on a Business Card: Ulysses D. L’Amour, wildest, gunslingin’ outlaw you ever met. Wanted in twelve counties… Yet known for his bravery and noble heart by those that ain’t tryin’ what to manipulate him. The Native folk know him as Dances with Light and Shadows. The Spanish know him as Maestro del Caos. And he’s known by those dal’garn Pinkertons in the Nor’east as Magic Jack Starr!
- Played by: Arnie Niekamp
- Played by: Adal Rifai
- Bowdlerization: Instead of two buttholes, Dewey has two blowholes, and he changes shape through hugging instead of sex.
- Played by: Matt Young
- Try to Fit That on a Business Card: Subverted. His full name is Usidore the Blue Wizard.
- Played by: Arnie Niekamp
- Played by: Adal Rifai
- Played by: Matt Young
The Space Bunker
- Played by: Tim Sniffen
- Barrier Maiden: He works to prevent universe-ending cataclysmic events.
- Bizarre Alien Biology: We don't have a clear description of what he looks like, but we do know he has an exoskeleton, thirteen fingers, and an iron ring fused to his hip.
- Deadpan Snarker: He loves to tear into the actors. And the audience. And sometimes the sponsors.
- Eternal Recurrence: A Tricia clone comes to work for him, gets fed up with him, steals an escape pod and attacks him. This process repeats endlessly, though it's speeding up each time.
- His Name Really Is "Barkeep": Apparently, his actual name is Admiral Mysterious.
- Mean Boss: Abuses his interns to the point where they try to kill him, every time.
- No Name Given: The credits just list him as "Mysterious Man".
- Played by: Kate James
- Expendable Clone: She is revealed to be one of these.
- Played by: Ryan DiGiorgi
- Electronic Speech Impediment: [[spoilers:When Craig’s battery runs out, his voice warps and becomes more robotic for a few seconds before he shuts down. Additionally, when he starts glitching in Season 2, he stutters, and eventually devolves into only being able to random, repeating phrases.]]
- Fake Memories: Craig believes that he’s a vending machine expert from Chicago who was brought to the space bunker by mistake, but he’s really a robot built by the Mysterious Man to be his friend.
- Played by: Spencer Ham
- Played by: Arnie Niekamp
- Blatant Lies: Constantly refutes the claim that he’s a robot, despite having a voice that glitches frequently and clanging loudly when he walks.
- Electronic Speech Impediment: The most obvious distinction between him and the real Arnie is the former’s voice. His speech stutters and changes in pitch and audio quality at random (though it tends to be a bit less glitchy when he’s talking to the listeners, likely to keep the message clear).
- Played by: Brooke Breit