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John Lennon vs Bill O'Reilly
John Lennon
Played by: Peter Shukoff
"I'm John Lennon; I'm a legend! I can see through all your tricks!"
- Bling of War: He wears his uniform from "Sergeant Pepper."
- Not Even Bothering with the Accent: Could be chalked up to Early-Installment Weirdness because it is the only case. In later seasons he would probably have been played by a proper Englishman, or been given an accent more fitting to his real one.
- Round Hippie Shades: He is Lennon so of course he has them.
- Shout-Out: He wears Lennon's Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band uniform, namedrops Help!, "Can't Buy Me Love" from A Hard Day's Night and oddly enough the Paul McCartney song "Maxwell's Silver Hammer" from Abbey Road.
- Shut Up, Hannibal!: Spends both his verses telling O'Reilly to shut up.
- The Stoner: He certainly sounds less focused and angry... for the most part.
- Technical Pacifist: He's all about peace and love, but he'll kick your ass for free.
Bill O'Reilly
Played by: Lloyd Ahlquist
"You're about to be sunk by the right-wing political machine!"
- Badass in a Nice Suit: Which he complements with $10,000 shoes.
- Card-Carrying Villain: He outright admits that he's evil.
- Dodgy Toupee: It quite obviously is about to fall off at some points.
- For the Evulz: The reason he gives when Lennon asks why he schemes to stir the people up.
- Historical Villain Upgrade: In real life, he's a highly controversial figure who was fired from his job at Fox news for multiple instances of sexual harassment. Here, he's a Card-Carrying Villain who stirs people up For the Evulz.
- Man of Wealth and Taste: A nasty man in stylish suit and shoes.
- No Indoor Voice: He doesn't just speak out against Lennon - he yells at the guy.
- Parental Neglect: Lennon suggests that his mother never loved him.
- Professional Butt-Kisser: Lennon accuses O'Reilly of sucking up to George W. Bush too much. O'Reilly is more than happy to take it as a compliment.
- Propaganda Machine: He's accused of this by Lennon, and he doesn't try to deny it.
- Rich Bastard: His wealth is his only redeeming quality.
Adolf Hitler vs Darth Vader
See the main page for both of them.
Abraham Lincoln vs Chuck Norris
Abraham Lincoln
See the main page for him.Chuck Norris
Played by: Lloyd Ahlquist
"I am Chuck fucking Norris!"
- Asskicking Leads to Leadership: Many of the characters on the show are presidents, kings, emperors, etc. Chuck, on the other hand, has no sort of official rank at all. He's everyone's master because he can kick all their asses. (Except Bruce Lee.)
- Badass Boast: Seven in a row, in the form of
Chuck Norris Facts that comprise his second verse, all belted out at the top of his lungs as he's one hundred feet tall, glowing, and on fire.I AM CHUCK FUCKING NORRIS!I've spread more blood and gore than forty score of your puny civil wars, bitch!I split the union with a roundhouse kick/I wear a black belt on the beard that I grow on my dick!I attack sharks when I smell them bleed/I don't go swimming, water just wants to be around me!My fists make the speed of light wish that it was faster/you may have freed the slaves, but Chuck is everyone's master! - Berserk Button: When Abraham Lincoln dumps a bucket of pennies on his head, he gets mad. And shortly after, Lincoln says he'd make fun of Walker, Texas Ranger, but he never watched it, then Chuck explodes:Chuck: I AM CHUCK FUCKING NORRIS!
- Eldritch Abomination: His second verse implies that he's not human and instead a Cosmic Horror beyond human comprehension. The evidence? He quickly grows to 100 ft, glows, his voice echoes, and according to his boasts he makes, the laws of physics twist into knots by his presence alone.
- Historical Badass Upgrade: Chuck Norris in real life isn't actually a godlike superhuman who can seemingly bend reality to his whim. In this battle, he most certainly is.
- Memetic Badass: His verses capitalize on his status as this, as rather than any actual real life facts about him, they are practically comprised of Chuck Norris Facts and memes.
- No Indoor Voice: During his second verse when he activates his Super Mode and becomes gigantic.
- Offhand Backhand: During his first verse, he casually deflects a few different attacks without looking at them or breaking his lyrical flow.
- Rapid-Fire Fisticuffs: His fists are faster than the speed of light.
- Super Mode: In the form of Attack of the 50-Foot Whatever.
- Threatening Shark: Inverted in typical Chuck Norris fact fashion; "I attack sharks when I smell them bleed!"
Sarah Palin vs Lady Gaga
Sarah Palin
Played by: Lisa Nova
"I killed moose with my bare hands before you were alive! "
- Authority Equals Ass Kicking: Governor of Alaska. Gaga tries to downplay Palin's authority by claiming it's "like principal of a home school".
- Big, Screwed-Up Family: According to Gaga, Palin's family is more dysfunctional than the Jacksons.
- Big, Stupid Doodoo-Head: Most of her insults towards her opponent are very lame and childish.Your voice sounds like a rooster having sex with a frog
They put a lot of lipstick on ya, but ya still look like a dog - Blonde Republican Sex Kitten: Brunette with an extra helping of glasses. She never looked this good in real life.
- Heteronormative Crusader: In reference to some of her more controversial real life views, she has her share of anti-LGBT lyrics, such as using "gay" as an insult and accusing Gaga of being a crossdresser and "transvestite".
- Hypocritical Humor: She accuses her opponent of having an annoying voice. She's one to talk.
- Mama Bear: Don't insult her children.
- Never Mess with Granny: She claims that she killed moose with her bare hands before Gaga was born.
- Simpleton Voice: She raps in a loud, squeaky, nasal voice with a thick Minnesota Nice drawl.
- While You Were in Diapers: "I killed moose with my bare hands before you were alive!"
Lady Gaga
Played by: Peter Shukoff
"Your frigid little body couldn't even handle what I do."
- Crosscast Role: Played by NicePeter.
- Deadpan Snarker: All of her lines are delivered in a sarcastic and haughty way.
- Dreadful Musician: Sarah Palin thinks of her and her music as a joke.
- Eccentric Artist: A musician who deliberately wears unusual things and makes provocative music as a form of art.
- Expy: Palin calls her a "rerun of Madonna".
- Rummage Sale Reject: Her wardrobe is odd and mismatched.
- Tea Is Classy: Nonchalantly sips a cup of tea during Sarah Palin's first verse.
Kim Jong-Il vs Hulk Hogan
Kim Jong-Il
Played by: Timothy DeLaGhetto
"The name's Kim Jong. I got a license to IL! "
- A God Am I: Arrogantly proclaims this word for word.
- Anime Hair: Hulk Hogan says it makes him look like Sonic The Hedgehog's mom.
- Authority Equals Asskicking: He's a dictator of a country with nuclear weapons.
- Berserk Button: He flips out when Hulk Hogan thinks that Beijing is in North Korea.
- Bigger Is Better in Bed: "North Korea bitch let me give you a tour, by the way, your wife says my dick is bigger than yours!"
- BFG: A rocket launcher.
- Combat Pragmatist: Why rap when you can shoot the other guy with a RPG-7?
- Fat Bastard: Made even worse considering that he starves his own people.
- Four Eyes, Zero Soul: A ruthless dictator who wears glasses.
- Groin Attack: Threatens to do this to Hogan: "I'll suplex you by your friggin' dick hair!"
- Historical Villain Downgrade: While still clearly an asshole, his notoriety of violating human rights is only mentioned in passing.
- Jerkass: He thinks pretty highly of himself even though he's clearly a dick.
- The Napoleon: He's a lot shorter than either of his opponents and isn't shy about being aggressive towards both of them. Savage briefly refers to it.Macho Man: I don't like to hit little bitches with glasses, but when midgets step up, I stomp midget asses.
- Sinister Shades: They cover his eyes and he never takes them off.
The Mega Powers - Hulk Hogan and Randy Savage
Hulk Hogan Played by: Peter Shukoff
Macho Man Played by: Lloyd Ahlquist
"You got a ring side seat to your own smackdown, brother!"
- Celebrity EndorsementRandy Savage: Watch me snap into a Slim-Jim Kim Jong-Il!
- The Cameo: Randy Savage briefly appears in the Season 3 premiere.
- Combat Pragmatist: Savage has no problem hitting aggressive midgets, though he does express that he prefers not to hit guys with glasses.
- Cool Shades: Randy's shades are definitely an 80s throwback.
- Dumb Blonde: What Kim Jong-Il thinks of Hulk Hogan after Hogan's Global Ignorance shines through.
- Eagle Land: Both have a mix of Type 1 and 2; They're the good guys, but they have Global Ignorance, solve all their problems with violence and threats of it, etc.
- Global Ignorance: Hulk thinks Beijing is in Korea.
- Interchangeable Asian Cultures: Hulk can't tell them apart and knows very little about North Korea, something Kim Jong-Il calls him out on.
- Made of Iron: Hulk survives a missile to the chest!
- Dented Iron: ...But he still has to tag in the Macho Man to finish the battle.
- Take Up My Sword: Randy Savage does this, as he only comes into the match after Hogan is hit by a rocket and unable to continue.
- You Wouldn't Hit a Guy with Glasses: Randy makes mention that he usually doesn't hit "midgets with glasses" ,but since his opponent Kim Jong-Il he threatens to make an exception.
Ludwig van Beethoven vs Justin Bieber
Ludwig van Beethoven
Played by: Peter Shukoff
"I've crafted masterpieces that will last throughout the ages!"
- Bigger Is Better in Bed: "Ask Bach, I've got more cock than Smith & Wesson!", complete with Bach popping up on screen nodding and making an "it was this big!" gesture by holding his hands ~18 inches apart.
- Classical Music: Crowds of millions want to listen to his symphonies long after his death.
- Deaf Composer: He considers it a blessing because he doesn't have to hear Bieber's songs.
- Distracted by the Sexy: Beethoven momentarily tries to sneak a peek when Bieber mentions having Kim Kardashian backstage.
- Flipping the Table: Overturns his piano at the end of his first verse because he is that outraged by his opponent.
- Hoist by His Own Petard: Went deaf from his own music, according to Bieber.
- Hot-Blooded: He's a man of great emotion.
- Musical Assassin: "I'm comitting verbal murder in the major third degree!"
- Shown Their Work: Third degree murder is usually called manslaughter, and represents a killing done without forethought in a situation where any reasonable person would be especially disturbed or upset. In other words, Beethoven feels killing Bieber is what anyone would do.
- You Have No Idea Who You're Dealing With: Not impressed by the latest teenage heart throb; it's the undercurrent of his first verse. "Sit down, son, and let me give you a music lesson."
- And later in the same verse: "My name's Beethoven, Motherfucker, maybe you've heard of me?!"
- Wouldn't Hit a Girl: Claims that it's the reason why he won't smack Bieber.Beethoven : I would smack you, but in Germany we don't hit little girls!
Justin Bieber
Played by: Alex Farnham
"Here's some aspirin: you're catching Bieber fever tonight!"
- Adaptational Wimp: Like him or not, the real Beiber can at least sing in tune. This Bieber on the other hand, cannot.Bieber: Who even listens to classical any-wa-ay.
- Big, Stupid Doodoo-Head: Befitting his characterization here as a Bratty Half-Pint, Bieber's disses and boasts are cartoonishly immature.You look like Chewbacca wiped his ass on your head
I'm the next Michael Jackson! You smell like Betty White - Bratty Half-Pint: An arrogant child trying to run with a famous musician.
- Curb Stomp Cushion: He may not do that well, but he does get one or two good hits in, like when he tells Beethoven that his own music made him deaf or when he offers him aspirin and says, "You're catching Bieber Fever tonight!"
- Dreadful Musician: Beethoven says he's glad that he's deaf, so he doesn't have to hear Bieber's terrible music.
- Joke Character: While he was immensely popular at the time the battle was made, part of the joke of the matchup is that Beethoven is one of the most influential composers of all time while Justin Bieber is a famous musician who hasn't influenced the music industry the same way Beethoven has.
- KidAnova: If his verses are to be believed, he can seduce older women.
- Pretty Fly for a White Guy: Beethoven calls him a "little white Usher".
- Teeny Weenie: When Beethoven tells Bieber he can't even hit puberty, Bach again pops up on screen, making a sad face, and another "it was this big" gesture, holding his finger and thumb roughly an inch apart.
Albert Einstein vs Stephen Hawking
Albert Einstein
Played by: Zach Sherwin
"Albert E equals MC squared!"
- Badass Bookworm: He blows minds with his battle theory.
- Badass Boast: Claims that he could school Hawking anywhere from M.I.T. to Oxford.
- Bullying the Disabled: Makes fun of Hawking's condition a few times, and even threatens him with physical violence.
- Doppelgänger Spin: He does a battle-rap version of this when he claims that "I'm as dope as two rappers" and a double of him appears.
- Einstein Hair: The Trope Namer himself has his trademark wild hair, or in Hawking's opinion, troll doll hair.
- Herr Doktor: Well, Einstein was German, so of course he comes with the accent. Though the accent drops at the end when ripping into Hawking's black hole theory.
- Kick the Dog: Some of his raps are directly aimed at Hawking's disability, which is nastier than anything Hawking dissed.
- Large Ham: Very passionate and his gestures make him seem even more so next to the immobile Hawking.
- Pungeon Master: "Minds are relatively blown," "Albert E. equals MC squared"... the list goes on.
Stephen Hawking
Played by: Peter Shukoff
"I got 12-inch rims on my chair. That's how I roll, y'all!"
- Auto-Tune: At first, the producers considered just having a synthesized voice, as Hawking does in real life, but they found that it was too jarring and had no sense of rhythm, so this was used as an alternative.
- Badass Boast: "I'm the best; the Snoop Dog of Science!"
- Badass Bookworm: Don't try to match your P-brane (pea brain) against his mind.
- Berserk Button: Saying his Black Hole theory has holes in it made him furious. The disabled jokes also hit it.
- The Cameo: Stephen Hawking has appeared in multiple battles, including both Vader VS Hitler sequels.
- Death Glare: Gives as much of one as is possible for him to Einstein insulting his Black Hole theory.
- Disabled Snarker: As in Real Life. His raps are so sharp, they physically hurt.
- Dissonant Serenity: He's clearly pissed after his Berserk Button is pressed, though due to his disability his physical and tonal response to this is minimal at best.
- Genius Cripple: It's Hawking, he's in a wheel chair, and he's rapping.
- Hidden Agenda Villain: For a given measure of villain. Whose side he's on is now up for debate, given how he threw Hitler a microphone.
- Machine Monotone: Like the real deal, he speaks with a machine.
- Mundane Utility: Using the computer on his Super Wheelchair to play Angry Birds.
- Super Wheelchair: With 12-inch rims.
- Superior Successor:Hawking: And while it's true that my work is based on you, I'm a supercomputer you're like a TI-82, ooh!
- You Have No Idea Who You're Dealing With: "...here, boy!"
- Your Mom: "Your mama took the ugly ones and put them into one nerd."
Genghis Khan vs The Easter Bunny
Genghis Khan
Played by: Lloyd Ahlquist
"From Poland to Korea, I ravaged the land!"
- Asskicking Leads to Leadership: Became the ruler of one of the most feared Empires in history by kicking lots of ass.
- Ax-Crazy: He takes pleasure in wanting to brutally murder the Easter Bunny.
- Blood Knight: He's a Hot-Blooded Mongolian warmonger.
- Cool Helmet: All part of his warrior overlord look.
- Cool Sword: Like his helmet, this is also part of his warlord look.
- Depraved Bisexual: While he proudly brags of his "conquests" in his second verse and the multitude of descendants that he fathered, Genghis also threatened to do the same to the Easter Bunny at the start of his first verse (complete with his sword planted strategically on his crotch)."Your bunny ass about to feel the wrath of Khan!"
- Evil Laugh: Begins his verse with one.
- Four-Star Badass: Commander of the infamous Mongol horde.
- Large Ham: Just listen to his Evil Laugh and the way he attacks his lines.
- No Indoor Voice: All his lines are shouted.
- Politically Incorrect Villain: It's not entirely brought up, but his pillaging involved a lot of rape."From Poland to Korea I ravaged the land, now my DNA's in dudes from New York to Japan!"
Easter Bunny
Played by: Peter Shukoff
"The Easter Bunny, baby; I deserve to be arrogant!"
- Ambiguously Gay: Has some rather camp mannerisms.
- Break the Haughty: He claims that he deserves to be arrogant, but gets his ass handed to him by Genghis.
- Butt-Monkey: Not surprisingly, he gets easily intimidated by Genghis Khan in the rap battle. The funny part is how easily scared he is of Khan's aggressive rapping and then later begs him to get out of his face and go back to his village.
- Dirty Coward: He goes from threatening to shove his foot up Khan's crotch to saying that there's no need for meanness and they should keep it peaceful after he gets threatened.
- Joke Character: Not even The Announcer is impressed.
- Killer Rabbit: What he claims; can't back it up.
- Mascot: One in denial, for Hallmark, according to Genghis Khan.
- Nice Guy: Claims to be one when he talks about giving people candy.
Napoleon Bonaparte vs Napoleon Dynamite
Napoléon Bonaparte
Played by: Lloyd Ahlquist
"How dare you address moi, you adolescent worm!"
- Authority Equals Asskicking: He's the Emperor of the French.
- Cultural Posturing: Treats his French heritage as a source of pride. Which is odd because the real Napoleon spoke French with a thick Corsican accent that he never lost.
- The Emperor: Of France, as in real life.
- Four-Star Badass: One of the great generals of history, and mentions it many times.
- Gratuitous French: Mostly raps in English, but breaks into French for one line.
- The Napoleon: Thoroughly averted despite being the Trope Namer. His height is mentioned several times, but it doesn't faze him one bit and he never brings the topic up at all.
- Pintsized Powerhouse: He's tiny, but he's one hell of a rapper, and one of the best generals in history.
- Shallow Parody: Somewhat unusually for this series, this version of Napoleon doesn't reference any of the historical figure's personality or accomplishments besides being short and a stereotypical French Jerk. And these are both Hollywood History - the actual Napoleon was average height and culturally Italian. To be fair it's difficult to see how this could have been avoided as it would have been even more silly to have Napoleon rapping about his actual accomplishments when his opponent was Napoleon Dynamite.
- Virgin-Shaming: Endorses the idea that Napoleon isn't a real man because he's a virgin.
- White Stallion: Rides it into the battle during the introduction, and was famously depicted atop one in paintings.
Napoleon Dynamite
Played by: Peter Shukoff
"I got skills! I'll put you in a half Horatio Nelson!"
- Boisterous Weakling: Talks big, but any skills he might have at physical combat... just see What the Fu Are You Doing? below. He's beyond terrible when he tries to show off with nunchucks.
- Cool Horse: Rides the Liger (Lion/Tiger mix) during the introduction.
- Dull Surprise: He stays emotionless throughout his battle and does bother to do any motions aside from the occasional reaction to Bonaparte's verses.
- Joke Character: Bonaparte is regarded as a brilliant general. Dynamite shares only the same first name.
- Nerd Glasses: To emphasize his Nerdiness further, he has the stereotypical glasses.
- What the Fu Are You Doing?: His nunchucks. "Alleged skills" indeed.
Benjamin Franklin vs Billy Mays
Benjamin Franklin
Played by: Lloyd Ahlquist
"I'm mint; I'm money! I'm an educated gentleman!"
- Authority Equals Asskicking: Governor of Pennsylvania and Founding Father of the United States.
- Badass Bookworm: Invented the post office and his lightning experiment is referenced.
- Badass Long Robe: He starts off with one and uses for dramatic gestures to punctuate his raps.
- Slobs Versus Snobs: A lesser example than most: Franklin describes himself as wealthy and educated while denigrating Mays' kitschy television sales.
- Sophisticated as Hell: "Stop! I protest these intolerable raps! It takes just one easy payment for me to whoop your ass!
- Specs of Awesome: His bifocals amplify his Badass Bookworm awesomeness.
- Stout Strength: He makes the screen shake when he stomps.
Billy Mays
Billy Played by: Colin J. Sweeney
"Hi, Billy Mays here with a special TV offer!"
- Added Alliterative Appeal: "Hi, Billy Mays here, with a special TV offer! Watch me crush this bald, fat, foppish founding father!"
- But Wait, There's More!: As is his custom, he starts with this trope in his second verse opening attack. He doesn't finish and they become his last words.
- Character Death: Billy dies of a heart attack.
- No Indoor Voice: A loud voice comes with being a spokesman.
- Payment Plan Pitch: In this case, one easy payment for Ben Franklin to whoop Billy's ass.
- Red Baron: Billy's the Lord of the Pitch.
Ofer "Vince Offer" Shlomi (The Shamwow Guy)
Played by: Peter Shukoff
"You following me, camera guy? 'Cause it's about to get furious!"'
- Take Up My Sword: Billy Mays dies of a heart attack before he can complete his second verse. Vince steps in to finish the battle.
Gandalf vs Dumbledore
Gandalf
Played by: Lloyd Ahlquist
"I am the one rapper to rule them all!"
- Badass Longrobe: Wears his characteristic robes from Lord of the Rings.
- Brought Down to Badass: He's knocked from White to Gray, but is by no means less badass.
- Compensating for Something: Dumbledore suspects this is why he carries a staff.
- Came Back Strong: Dying only makes his "brights brighter".
- Death Is Cheap: Death makes others die, but not him.
- Playing with Fire: One of his powers; "I leave mics in flames; torched by Gandalf!"
- Smoking Is Cool: Gets a memorable shot of him releasing a gout of smoke after inhaling from his pipe. In slow-motion.
- Wizard Beard: His is long and straight.
Albus Dumbledore
Played by: Peter Shukoff
"Check your status! They call me headmaster! You're nothing!"
- Authority Equals Asskicking: Headmaster of Hogwarts Academy.
- Badass Army: Dumbledore's Army is more impressive than 'hairy-toed friends'.
- Badass Longrobe: Wears his famous wizard robes from the movies.
- Familiar: His phoenix Fawkes.
- Magic Wand: Uses it to demote Gandalf.
- Real Men Wear Pink: Carries a pink boa in his closet, but he's never seen wearing it.
- Straight Gay: Prefers the company of wizards and proud of it! Like in official Harry Potter media, he doesn't state or hide his sexuality, referencing it more through some of his actions rather than his personality.
- Transparent Closet: What Gandalf accuses him of being, due to the fact that Dumbledore is all but explicitly stated to be gay in the books.Gandalf:We all know you've more than a Boggart in your closet.
- Wizard Beard: It is long and he has knots in it.
William Shakespeare vs Dr Seuss
William Shakespeare
Played by: George Watsky
"The Bard is in the building. It's a castle, I'm a boss!"
- Alas, Poor Yorick: Holds up the famous skull just before kicking into Motor Mouth.
- Antiquated Linguistics: Complete with Iambic Pentameter considering how old he is compared to Dr.Seuss.
- Badass Bookworm: Considered to be the greatest writer in the English language and the world's greatest playwright, he is this by definition.
- Boring Insult: It's hard to catch but this is how he starts his attack in the second verse.You're pathetically predictable. You think your new book might include a trisyllabic meter and some ghetto muppet creatures?
- Cultured Badass: He'll chew you out in accurate Iambic Pentameter.
- Gratuitous Iambic Pentameter: His first verse is structured like one of his plays.
- I Am Not Left-Handed: Changes gears from Iambic Pentameter to Motor Mouth in response to the Cat in the Hat entering the battle.
- Large Ham: Because he's LITERALLY Shakespeare, his rapping is very classy and theatrical.
- Motor Mouth: In his second verse, he increases the pace of his rap to such a stunning degree that both Dr. Seuss and the Cat in the Hat are left momentarily speechless.
- Pretender Diss: An odd example; Will takes shots at the quality of Seuss's writing and character, before adding "And to top it off you're not a doctor".
- Sophisticated as Hell: Will mix lines from his play with rather pedestrian insults.I'll put a slug between your shoulder blades, then ask "What light through yonder poser breaks?"
- Take That!: Rounds out his first verse by accusing Seuss of writing Twilight.
Dr. Seuss
Dr. Seuss Played by: Mickey Meyer
The Cat in the Hat Played by: Peter Shukoff
Things 1 and 2 both Played by: Lloyd Ahlquist
- Art Initiates Life: He creates the Cat in the Hat and Thing 1 and Thing 2 from drawings.
- Art Attacker: He draws the Cat in the Hat and Things 1 and 2 to life, who then raps on his behalf.
- Ax-Crazy: Things 1 and 2 spout nothing but bloodthirsty lines, and seem like they would love to physically harm Shakespeare.
- Badass Bookworm: He's very quiet and doesn't look too physically intimidating, but he doesn't need to be when he can summon his creations to kick ass for him. Plus he ends his "verses" by slamming a book closed.
- Berserk Button: Don't accuse him of writing the Twilight books.
- Book Snap: Unlike most instances of this trope, he employs this to punctuate the end of his characters' verses.
- The Brute: Things 1 and 2 are Dr. Seuss' minions who are much more violent, crude, and aggressive than the Cat in the Hat.
- Cool Shades: The Cat wears Peter's signature glasses.
- Cloud Cuckoolander: Throughout the bulk of the battle, he seems to be oblivious to what's going on. Until Shakespeare accuses him of writing the Twilight books...
- The Dragon: The Cat in the Hat was created to rap on his behalf.
- Funny Background Event: While the Cat in the Hat mentions boats, the background changes to a boat and Seuss immediately becomes seasick. With rainbows.
- Handicapped Badass: He cannot speak on account of his throat cancer. It doesn't stop him from standing up to a literary giant like Shakespeare.
- Jaw Drop: Shakespeare's second verse, which is a stunning case of Motor Mouth, provokes this from both Seuss and the Cat in the Hat.
- Kubrick Stare: Engages in long ones that leave Shakespeare shaken just before and just after the Cat's verse.
- The Minion Master: He is the only title "rapper" to not actually rap, rather he paints his characters to life and has them rap on his behalf.
- Not That Kind of Doctor: Gets called out by Shakespeare for not being an actual doctor.
- The Voiceless: He never talks; his creations do that for him.
Mr T vs Mr Rogers
Mr. T
Played by: DeStorm Power
"I pity the fool who tries to step to Clubber Lang!"
- Badass Crew: He's got the A-Team to help him out.
- Berserk Button: He doesn't react kindly to being called dumb.
- Bling of War: His neck chains are all gold. He threatens to dip Mr. Roger's friends in the gold and add them to his collection.
- Dumb Muscle: Mister Rogers claims that he calls himself "T" because he's "too dumb to spell".
- No Indoor Voice: Most of his lines are shouted and are much, much louder than those of Mr. Rogers.
- No-Nonsense Nemesis: His lines don't contain any jokes or funny bits; they're straight out attacks.
- Scary Black Man: The real Mr. T is famous for this and it's played up here too; lots of threats and stuff.
- Trash Talk: His lines are exclusively this. A lot of rappers go for boasting about themselves, he just goes on the attack.
- True Companions: The A-Team's got his back.
- Verbal Tic: "Punk!", "Fool!" and "Sucka!"
Mr. Fred Rogers
Played by: Peter Shukoff
"Hi there, neighbor."
- Ax-Crazy: Slips into a tranquil sort of violent creepy when Mr. T says he'll "call CPS about them kids on your lap!"
- Batter Up!: Mr. McFeely carries one and threatens Mr. T with it.
- Berserk Button: Accusations of child molestation make him take a nasty turn.
- Beware the Nice Ones: Acts friendly through much of his lines, but when Mr. T accuses him of child molestation, he drops the friendly attitude and gets serious. He also threatens to cut MR. T into pieces. And at the end of his second verse, Mr. McFeely can be seen in the background, menacingly holding a baseball bat, apparently ready to use it if Mr. T doesn't leave.
- Creepy Monotone: Part of his second verse is delivered this way, when he's obviously seething about being accused of child molestation.
- Dissonant Serenity: He smiles fondly and nonchalantly changes his shoes while Mr. T threatens him and curses him out.
- Lethal Joke Character: Note how the music changes when he's announced; it seems to be setting up for a Curb-Stomp Battle reminiscent of Genghis Khan vs. the Easter Bunny, but he proceeds to have a chilling rap of his own.
- Nice Guy: He's one of the few characters who's polite to his opponent. The worst he does insult-wise is friendly teasing. Then his Berserk Button is pushed.
- O.O.C. Is Serious Business: Mister Rogers gladly accepts anyone into his neighborhood, except for people who call him a pedophile. Then shit will get real.
- Precision F-Strike: Delivers a pointed one to Mr. T; "get the fuck out of my neighborhood".
- Terms of Endangerment: Precedes his final threat by addressing Mr. T as Lawrence.
- Tranquil Fury: Rogers is clearly pissed at Mr. T's joke about child molestation, but his only reaction is to slip into a calm, even, and creepy monotone. This is noteworthy given that he was jovial until that point.
Captain Kirk vs Christopher Columbus
Christopher Columbus
Played by: Peter Shukoff
"I'll stick a flag up your ass and claim you for Spain!"
- Alien Non-Interference Clause: The worst offender of the Prime Directive.
- Ass Shove: Threatens to shove a flag up Kirk's ass and claim him for Spain.
- Badass Longcoat: He uses it to punctuate his prediction of who'll win this battle.
- Beat Them at Their Own Game: Neck chopping Spock and stabbing Sulu with a sword.
- Cool Boat: It sails during the opening.
- Cool Sword: A rapier.
- Hero Killer: Floors Spock and Sulu in seconds.
- Large Ham: He plays up every hammy Italian stereotype as much as possible.
- Know-Nothing Know-It-All: For all his talk about being a genius explorer, Kirk points out that he was really just a xenophobic idiot who discovered The Americas with the goal of mostly just finding a shortcut and never actually ended up where he intended to sail to.
- No Sense of Direction: Kirk points out that he never lands were he intends to sail to.
- Politically Incorrect Villain: According to Kirk he's a "slave making bitch". note
- Screw This, I'm Outta Here: Pulls this after his first line, but he immediately comes back."Arrivederci! Imma leave before this battle begins!... 'Cos we both know in the end which one of these captain's gonna win!"
Captain James Tiberius Kirk
Played by: Lloyd Ahlquist
"I'm the…enterprising captain, James…Tiberius Kirk."
- Bully Hunter: Hates the way Columbus treated the natives and wants to punish the man for it.
- The Captain: Considers himself a better one.
- Confusion Fu: Columbus's face when he starts rapping suggests this because he appears dumbfoundedbythe….strange way...inwhichKirk speaks.
- Cool Starship: The Enterprise.
- Hypocrite: Claims Columbus discovered a new world that was already inhabited when Kirk did this himself.
- Stylistic Suck: He doesn't rap so much as spastically state his verses.
- Verbal Tic: Broken up speech, which makes his rap less of a rap and more of a long, drawn out statement.
- Would Hit a Girl: Beats up one during his first verse, then makes out with her. Later punches Queen Isabella.
Nice Peter vs Epic Lloyd
See the main page for both of them.
