Taken: 93 minutes of Liam Neeson beating the shit out of minorities in Paris.
Taken 2: Relatives of above-mentioned minorities apparently never got the memo to not mess with Liam Neeson's family.
Taken 3: Shady businessmen discover it's hard to get away with murder if Liam Neeson is involved.
The Tale of Despereaux: A tiny mouse and a rat save a town in which soup is so Godly important that they have a national holiday every year celebrating its greatness.
The Tale of the Princess Kaguya: Rich girl angsts for two hours about being rich and ends up abandoning her adoptive parents.
Tangled: A naive blonde who lives in the middle of nowhere ignores the wishes of her overprotective "mother" and leaves home, blackmailing a burglar into acting as her chaperon.
Or: A wanted fugitive frees a mutant who has been isolated from the general public.
Or: A troubled teenager with really big hair insists on Going to See the Elephant with her unsuitable new friend.
Or: A man kills an evil witch and proves his love by giving his girlfriend a haircut.
Tarzan: A half-naked man must convince his adoptive family that the British will not kill them.
Taxi Driver: An insomniac gets a firearms obsession and meets Jodie Foster.
Teeth: A young woman sexually matures with a beneficial mutation.
The Terminator: Robot with peculiar accent attempts to kill a waitress.
Terminator 2: Judgment Day: In the future, your computer hates you. The only person who can save you is a pre-teen Jerkass. Your computer REALLY hates him.
Terminator Salvation: Guy from the military goes rescuing his father, who is somehow younger than himself.
Terminator Genisys: Guy tries to prevent his son from distributing malware, while attempting to romance grumpy woman with a peculiarly accented foster father.
Terminator: Dark Fate: Robot attempts to kill a factory worker. The waitress, a Tank-Top Tomboy, and a peculiarly accented interior decorator try to stop him.
The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974): A mentally handicapped man with a penchant for making his own masks and his family have a girl over for dinner.
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2: A radio show host and a cowboy fight a retarded man, a hippie war veteran, a cantankerous chef and a withered old man in an amusement park.
The Thing (1982): An immigrant just wants to fit in, but gets burned by anyone he tries to get close with.
They Live!: Homeless man wearing Cool Shades fights alien economists, who, presumably, are responsible for world bubblegum shortage.
The Thief and the Cobbler: A thief steals some balls. A peasant has to go find them. Meanwhile, a wizard who rhymes all of his words attempts to take over the kingdom.
The Thin Man: Wealthy alcoholic couple are dragged into solving a series of murders while on vacation in New York. Husband occasionally abuses wife.
The Third Man: A guy tries to find his old friend in Vienna. Only succeeds after he stops looking.
Alternatively: Two guys' sister has a goth phase so long and so fierce that there's nothing for it but to cause the end of the world.
Alternatively: Guy doesn't want to share his home with his sister because she destroyed his favorite toy. Instead, he kills her and destroys their home.
Thor: Love and Thunder: The scientist rekindles with the guy to forget she's dying, while both try dealing with a man whose grieving over his daughter's loss is particularly destructive.
¡Three Amigos!!: Washed-up actors discover that people they never expected to meet love their work a bit too much.
Three Big Men: American flag-garbed superhero and a Mexican wrestler who shoves things down his crotch battle bushy-eyebrowed arachnid character who's suddenly turned evil.
THX 1138: The story of several bald people trying to escape a factory full of other bald people, approximately none of which makes sense. Oh, and there's a 15-minute-long scene of two people walking through a white room.
Time Bandits: A young history buff is tired of being ignored by his shallow, consumerist parents, so he decides to follow a band of criminal midgets through a hole in time and space.
Alternatively - Some guys steal a map but really don't.
Titanic (1997): A period romance with a Downer Ending... from the guy who gave us the Terminator series. The film's male lead was earlier nominated for an Academy Award for playing a retarded teenager, and has gone on to call it the worst movie ever made.
Alternate: A suicidal English gentlewoman makes friends with a hobo who likes to draw pictures of naked women. After they get to know each other for a day and have sex, one of them freezes to death. Along with a few hundred other people.
Tommy Boy: A Fat Idiot tries to prove his worth to his family, his employees, his customers, and Dan Aykroyd. He does this with the help of his smug, neurotic best friend who seemingly can't go five seconds without insulting someone.
Tom-Yum-Goong/The Protector: Someone steals a village's elephants. One villager sets out to get them back.
Tootsie: An actor becomes a popular soap opera star and develops the affection of his co-star - to her disturbance.
Top Gun: Guy finds love and tries to solve Daddy Issues through reckless usage of expensive government property.
Top Gun: Maverick: The guy has been endangering himself and his material for so long his superiors want him to teach others to do so.
Toy Story: A cowboy and a delusional astronaut vie for the affections of the young boy who owns them both.
Or: A political incumbent does not get along with a charismatic upstart. After the two of them are taken against their will to a pizzeria, and then to the house of someone whom both of them dislike, however, they learn to become friends. Also, the upstart learns the hard way that he cannot fly.
Toy Story 2: The cowboy is kidnapped by a man in a chicken suit and debates whether or not to travel to Tokyo and seal himself in a glass box for all eternity. While searching for him, the astronaut tries to steal a belt from a younger version of himself. We learn that the astronaut's back-story is basically a spoof of Star Wars. Also, Frasier in a cardboard box.
Toy Story 3: Evil totalitarian commune brainwashes the astronaut, so the cowboy races to the rescue. The villain is a teddy bear.
Or: The owner of the cowboy and the astronaut appears to have forgotten about them, so they are sent to a place ruled by an evil teddy bear. They try to escape, fighting - among others - a creepy monkey.
Toy Story 4: To feel less useless, the cowboy is keeping a life watch on a suicidal new friend. Once both jump out a car, and the suicidal is kidnapped by a ginger who wants to rip the cowboy's voice box off, the astronaut races to the rescue.
Trainspotting: A man is subjected to hallucinations (he swims in a toilet, a baby's head turns all the way around). One of his friends is killed by cat shit, another is obsessed with Sean Connery. Later the man steals a few thousand dollars from his friends and leaves town.
T2 Trainspotting: The man decides to return home, tries to help the Sean Connery-loving friend in his pub.
In the words of one of the stars of said movie: "You know what I did this morning? I played the voice of a toy. Some terrible robot toys from Japan that changed from one thing to another. The Japanese have funded a full-length animated cartoon about the doings of these toys, which is all bad outer-space stuff. I play a planet. I menace somebody called Something-or-other. Then I'm destroyed."
Transformers(2007, live-action): A boy's car and its friends protect him from alien invaders who have arrived in search of eye-wear. Meanwhile, a part-time model declines to eat donuts.
Transformers: Age of Extinction: Failed inventor saves people who are being hunted by the government and the aliens who created them. Also, dinosaurs are involved.
Transylvania: Woman goes to Romania with two friends to look for her lost lover. Later she gets dumped, ditches her friends and goes travelling about with some random orphan and a hobo with a car.
Treasure Island (1988): A bunch of big-nosed Russian-speaking englishmen cartoonishly fight over a treasure. This is occasionally interrupted by pirates giving you life lessons in song form. Most well known for a scene where some of the englishmen walk for a few seconds.
Treasure Planet: Troubled young man goes on a space-sailing treasure hunt, and ends up causing the villain to abandon their lifelong dream.
Trick 'r Treat: A little boy shows town the true meaning of its favorite holiday.
Troll: A troll doesn't like Harry Potter. Actually as bad as it sounds to many.
The Troll Hunter: A bunch of university students make a documentary about the work of a Norwegian government contractor.
A Troll in Central Park: An environmentalist gets banished from his home for breaking the law.
Troll 2: A young boy invokes the Power of Goodness in the form of pissing on a table and eating a double-decker bologna sandwich.
TRON: A guy goes through way too much effort to gather enough evidence to support a copyright dispute. Otherwise, a movie about a BASIC programming command.
TRON: Legacy: The guy's son has more copyright troubles, so he goes to visit his father and they battle with a Neo-Nazi.
Troy: Beautiful woman runs off with horny prince. Her husband and brother-in-law don't take it well.
True Lies: Dissatisfied wife considers cheating on her peculiar-accented husband until she learns that he lied about his real occupation.
The Truman Show: Insurance salesman lives humdrum life unaware that he's the most famous person on the planet.
A comedian best known for his wild expressions decides to do an artistic movie. The movie and trailers spoil the plot in the first thirty seconds; expect the fourth wall to be broken repeatedly.
Small town man really, really wants to leave showbiz. There is a literal fourth wall and stairway to heaven.
Tucker & Dale vs. Evil: A movie about two guys who are so creepy that co-eds start killing themselves just to get away from them.
Or: A Hillbilly Horrors movie where the hillbillies are the misunderstood heroes.
Turning Red: Girl upsets her mother by becoming a furry.
Or: A dispute between a teenage girl and her mother deteriorates to the point that a Kaiju turns up in Toronto and inflicts Monumental Damage.
Twice Upon a Time: A shape-shifter, a mime, a wannabe actress, and a wannabe superhero are the only ones who can stop an eccentric factory owner from giving everyone a serious case of chronic nightmares.
Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me: In a small Washington town, a troubled teenage girl realizes that an ancient supernatural being is sexually interested in her, and sneaks into her bedroom window in order to explore this.
Twin Town: Jobless siblings fueled by grief, glue and non-authentic hot-dogs test drive a series of cars in various locations around Swansea.
Twister: Two divorced scientists try to study bad weather, then fall in love again. Reuse of aluminum cans leads to salvation.
Two Lane Blacktop: A couple mumbly and inarticulate longhairs and their noncommittal female hitchhiker companion challenge a habitual liar to a cross-country drag race. Then they sort of forget to finish it.
