History WebAnimation / IfTheEmperorHadATextToSpeechDevice

->'''The Custodian:''' My divine lord, we have managed to implement a text-to-speech device to your glorious Golden Throne! Please, lord, ''speak'' to us!\\

'''The Custodian:''' At last! Our glorious lord can command us once aga--\\

-->At the point in time when bullets can pass through the interdimensional walls, when firepower takes up the entirety and eternity of space and time, all being stuck in a neverending life and death cycle as bullets recover and destroy their bodies in quick succession, no one able to think about anything but the sheer force of the bullets rapidly flying literally everywhere in the Materium, turning the Warp itself into nothing but a sea of semi-automatic weaponry... then there will be enough dakka. [{{beat}}] Or at least almost.

''[[https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLyiDf91_bTEgnBN0jAvzNbqzrlMGID5WA If the Emperor Had a Text-to-Speech Device]]'' (informally abbreviated to TTS by fans) is a series of online videos made by [[WebAnimation/AlfaLegion Bruva Alfabusa]], asking the question of what exactly would happen if the Emperor of Mankind could ask about the current state of the ''TabletopGame/Warhammer40000'' universe. HilarityEnsues as the Emperor proceeds to have some... [[SirSwearsALot colorful critiques]] about the universe as well as its numerous {{Retcon}}s over the years, and begins some changes.

* WhatIf: The series is what if [[ExactlyWhatItSaysOnTheTin the Emperor of Mankind had a text-to-speech device]] enabling him to properly communicate again after 10'000 years. HilarityEnsues as he undertakes the arduous process of unfucking up the Imperium of Man.

'''The Emperor:''' [garbled noise] ABOUT FUCKING TIME.\\

'''The Emperor:''' I HAVE SO MANY THINGS TO COMPLAIN ABOUT.

** The more notable factions and figures get a preface for non-verbal noises, such as [[[AnythingThatMoves Aroused]] snickering] for the Custodes, [Inquisitorial Laughter] for the Inquisition (and Karamazov in particular), and [Ultra-<insert action>] for the Ultramarines.

-->'''Flashback Magnus:''' (materializes in the throne room) Father, something terrible is going to-!
-->'''Flashback Emperor:''' MAAAAAGNUUUUUS!!! (Cue everyone else in the room [[GaleForceSound blown away]])
-->'''Flashback Magnus:''' Oh, uh, I- [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere I better go.]]

** "Stonetooth" Harker has a noticeably high-pitched and soft-spoken Southern Drawl, to contrast his own [[BadassNormal 7'-tall physique]] and otherwise RatedMForManly persona as a [[SergeantRock veteran sergeant]] among the [[HadToBeSharp Catachan Guard]].

* EvenEvilHasLovedOnes: Episode 24 shows that the daemons of the Warp has families.

On July 29th 2021, Alfabusa [[https://youtu.be/OXljeaktnDA announced]] that the series is on indefinite hiatus due to Creator/GamesWorkshop's [[https://www.games-workshop.com/en-WW/Intellectual-Property-Guidelines zero tolerance policy]] [[FanWorkBan on fan animation]]. This ended the series, so far, at episode 30 part 2.

** At one point an Imperial Citizen sends the Emperor a letter asking him to give his blessing to the romance between [[https://1d4chan.org/wiki/Love_Can_Bloom LIIVI and Taldeer]]. The Emperor then talks about how the Eldar see humans as inferior, how by the standards of her race Taldeer is into beastiality "and is a sick fuck", and how she will probably catch a bunch of interspecies [=STDs=] and kill off half her craftworld. He concludes by [[ByNoIMeanYes giving his blessing]] to the romance.

* ADateWithRosiePalms: The Fab Custodes do something involving their fab bodies but "only on Thursdays".
* DeadlyEuphemism: A (possibly) unintentional one. Azrael claims that he didn't want [[AxCrazy Asmodai]] to kill two Dark Angels when he asked him to "make them repent", and that Asmodai is "a fucking asshood who cannot make anyone repent"[[note]]'''[[NoIndoorVoice Asmodai]]:''' DID SOMEONE JUST SAY "MURDER ''ANYONE'' VIOLENTLY"?![[/note]], but [[OnlySaneMan Belial]] points out that Azrael knows that Asmodai hears the words "make them repent" as "murder them violently", and Azrael claims that the two could have turned at any moment.

'''The Emperor:''' THE GREATEST LITTLE DERIVATIVE PILE OF BLUEBERRY PUDDING POP FUCKERY THAT HAS EVER GLAZED THE SURFACE OF THIS SHITTY LITTLE GALAXY. (''Custodian uncomfortably fidgets'') IS HE STILL ALIVE?\\

--->'''The Emperor:''' [[AC:When was the last time anyone of you killed anything?]]

--->'''The Emperor:''' [[AC:This put me more into balance than the time I surfed a space hulk right into one of Tzeentch's crystal garden planets.]]\\

-->[[AC:Please erase these mind images immediately]]

* BreakingTheFourthWall: Or as the Emperor likes to call it, [[AC:"4th Degree Inter-dimensional Warp Fuckery."]]

'''The Emperor:''' [[AC:Thanks [[spoiler:Rogal]]. I noticed that.]]

** [[spoiler:Rogal Dorn]], as literal-minded as he is, is able to shoot a few shots to his father, with The Emperor saying that he's lucky that ''[[AC:[he] find(s) [[HypocriticalHeartwarming salt and sweet to go nicely together]]]]''.

* DoubleEntendre: Episode 20 "You're Green With It" has The Emperor give a very thin one of these to Kitten when talking about the Salamanders, a group The Emperor believed was just one of Kitten's gay fantasies.
-->'''The Emperor:''' [[AC:You have spent so much time around perfect toned abs and flawless oiled skin your mind has started fantasizing about big, exotic, crust-covered men to come and take you away to the lands of a thousand volcano cannons exploding in your face.]]
:: Kitten as much admits he '''does''' have such fantasies, but that it is besides the point.

-->'''The Emperor:''' [[AC:You mean the descendants of the shamans who gave their lives to form me? Isn't that, like, all of humanity?]]\\

'''The Emperor:''' [[AC:Good. I never liked uncle Ragnar anyway. But really, though, what in the fuck do you me--]] ''[suddenly realizes that he has biological children]'' [[AC:Fuuuuu....]]

* EstablishingCharacterMoment: The first words out of Emperor's mouth-- er, speakers, are "[[AC:About fucking time. I have so many things to complain about.]]"

--> '''Emperor:''' [[AC: But really, though, what in the fuck do you me-]] ''(realizes the truth)'' [[AC:[=FuUuUuUuUcCkKkK=].]]

--->'''The Emperor:''' [[AC:Yey.]]
** His son [[spoiler:Rogal Dorn]] does this as well in Episode 24 when he gets a bike (only if he [[AC: "keeps [his] ass in smelling distance"]]) like his brother Magnus does.

* HollywoodAtheist: The Emperor is presented as a smug example of atheist fundamentalism.
-->'''The Emperor:''' [[AC:I destroyed all asshole religions that existed on Terra. Do you want to know why?]]\\

'''The Emperor:''' [[AC:Wrong. It is because religion is stupid, superstitious brainwashing crap that makes you an asshole. This is why I specifically said when designing the Imperial Truth, that equality, science [[BreadMilkEggsSquick and galaxy conquest]] is the way to go. And religion needs to be thrown out a window.]]

-->'''The Emperor:''' [[AC:Aaaaaaaaaaaaa?]]

'''The Emperor:''' [[AC:Like fucking father, like fucking son]].

-->'''The Emperor:''' [[AC:The only [[spoiler:Rogal]]-related thoughts I have been having is how nice it would be if he could build some kind of wall barring all the stupid shit that is going on in the galaxy from entering my comfort zone.]]\\

--->'''The Emperor:''' [[AC:I think I shat out at least 5 warp storms during that presentation.]]

'''The Emperor:''' [[AC:Have you ever heard the saying "We all have our own personal daemons?"]]\\

'''The Emperor:''' [[AC:Think about that phrase, and take into account what [[spoiler:Magnus]] just said about the Warp]] [[note]]being the manifestation of all thoughts and concepts of sentient beings[[/note]]. [[AC:Now apply the resulting realization to the entire population of the galaxy.]]\\

--->'''The Emperor:''' [[AC: All I got out of that was wolfwolfwolfwolfwolfwolfwolfwolfwolfwolfwolfwolfwolf and wolf.]]\\

* PaintingTheMedium: You may have noticed that Emperor's lines are [[AC:always written this way]]. It's the same in series' subtitles and unique to him. This tends to be used for comedic emphasis as well, such as an ellipses gliding across his subtitles and off the edge to convey "a rollercoaster ride of disappointment."

--->'''The Emperor:''' [[AC:Don't you talk shit about my fabulous fucking hawk-boy. [[NeverSpeakIllOfTheDead He died for me, so be grateful.]]]]
** Extends to the second Q&A where, upon learning of the Sanguinor, wonders if it can be a surviving aspect of Sanguinius, he sadly remembers how Sanguinius died and hopes if it is true what they say about the Sanguinor, that he hopes the later knows that [[AC: "daddy misses [him] very much."]] Note that at no other point does the Emperor ever show any kind of grief or is shown to mourn his other dead sons. It should be noted, though, that while some of his other sons have died, they did so with their souls intact with the exception of Horus (the Emperor made sure that Horus could never return). Sanguinius on the other hand had [[DeaderThanDead HIS soul obliterated]] by Horus. In this universe, people can have their souls summoned (if they aren't eaten by chaos) in order to have conversations with people whereas Sanguinius is just gone. That Sanguinius was his only son to die protecting the Emperor helps.

** The Emperor [[spoiler:giving Magnus the Red a Space Marine war motorcycle.]] And later his brother [[spoiler:Rogal]] gets one as well, but only a slow one so he can [[AC:"keep [his] ass in smelling distance"]] and keep his father company.

--->'''The Emperor:''' [[AC:Holy shit, a giant skeleton space robot planet that shoots molecule-breaking beams and destroys everything it spots... I want one!]]

'''Emperor:''' [[AC:Son.]]\\

'''Emperor:''' [[AC:Curtailment.]]\\

'''Emperor:''' [[AC:Proceed.]]

** Horus Lupercal is always referred to as "[[AC:Fucking Horus]]".

-->'''The Emperor:''' [[AC:Aaaaaaa?]]

-->'''The Emperor:''' [[AC:That has got to be the single dumbest thing I have ever heard in my entire life, and that is coming from a half-dead skeleton that has been stuck on a life-sustaining god-couche for the past 10,000 years.]]

'''The Emperor:''' [[AC:This can easily be skewed in all the wrong ways. It's a good thing that shitty slashfic writers aren't anywhere near here.]]\\

-->'''The Emperor:''' [[AC:All I got out of that was -- wolfwolfwolfwolfwolfwolfwolfwolfwolfwolfwolfwolfwolfwolfwolfwolfwolfwolf]]

-->'''The Emperor:''' [[AC:So, what's up with this [[Characters/Warhammer40000Inquisition Inquisition]] thing?]]\\

-->'''The Emperor:''' [[AC:[[BrickJoke Well, I found the bottom of the barrel after all...]] I think I feel a grumble.]]\\

'''The Emperor:''' [[AC:Definitely. If I could, I'd brutally spank Magnus until his ass would turn so red that his face would look pale in comparison.]]

--->'''The Emperor:''' [[AC:I always thought he was the greatest of my twenty Primarch sons.]]\\

'''The Emperor:''' [[AC:The greatest little derivative pile of blueberry pudding pop fuckery that has ever glazed the surface of this shitty little galaxy.]] (''Custodian uncomfortably fidgets'') [[AC:Is he still alive?]]\\

'''The Emperor:''' [[AC:Cut his life supports and disband that stupid fucking Smurf village.]]

* {{Wangst}}: When Big E said that Corvus was [[AC:"Infernally angsty"]] he wasn't lying: [[spoiler:when he escapes from the Engine of Woes (a tiny smart car)]], he proceeds to whine so much that it drives off Magnus and Little Kitten. He does wangst less when he's on his "Bro-trip" SpinOff with [[spoiler:Vulkan]] so he's not completely full of wangst.

'''The Emperor:''' [[AC:[[SarcasmFailure Aaaaaaaaaaa?]]]]

---> '''[[TheChessmaster The Emperor]]:''' [[spoiler:[[AC: I am aware]]]]\\

[[spoiler:[[AC: He is on Mars now, is he not?]]]]

* YouAreFat: The Emp doesn't give [[spoiler:Rogal]] a bike because he is [[AC:"too fat"]] but the real reason seems to be not to lose his only company that doesn't drive him nuts in less than 10 minutes. [[PetTheDog He gets him one anyway.]]

--->'''The Emperor:''' [[AC:So, the Necrons and the Blood Angels did what?]]

--->'''The Emperor:''' [[AC:Holy shit. What on the name of Terra on fucking rollerskates is this? [...] This shit is so surreal. Am I on drugs?]]

--->'''The Emperor:''' [[AC:[[StunnedSilence ...]]Come again? [...] That has got to be the single dumbest thing I've ever heard in my entire life. And that is coming from a half-dead skeleton that has been stuck on a life-sustaining couch for the past 10,000 years.]]

->'''The Emperor:''' [[AC:[[BreakingTheFourthWall What the fuck was that?]]]]

'''The Emperor:''' [garbled noise] [[AC:About fucking time.]]\\

'''The Emperor:''' [[AC:I have so many things to complain about.]]

''[[https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLyiDf91_bTEgnBN0jAvzNbqzrlMGID5WA If the Emperor Had a Text-to-Speech Device]]'' (informally abbreviated to TTS by fans) is a series of web videos made by [[WebAnimation/AlfaLegion Bruva Alfabusa]], asking the question of what exactly would happen if the Emperor of Mankind could ask about the current state of the ''TabletopGame/Warhammer40000'' universe. HilarityEnsues as the Emperor proceeds to have some... [[SirSwearsALot colorful critiques]] about the universe as well as its numerous {{Retcon}}s over the years, and begins some changes.

** In the Slaaneshmas special, Miriael Sabathiel presents herself as seeming being quite sane and on-the-ball for a champion of Chaos, let alone a Slaaneshite, aside from her personal issues about feeling that [[DudeWheresMyRespect she doesn't get the respect that she deserves]]. When the discussion goes completely off the rails (not that it had much focus to begin with), with Lucius just sprinting off and starting to destroy things offscreen on a random whim, she briefly wonders aloud about what in the Warp is going on... and the moment that Ahriman confirms that it's Slaaneshmas, she briefly remarks that "now it all makes sense" before donning her own Slaaneshmas hat and bolting off to join her fellow Slaaneshite in wrecking havoc.

** In the Slaaneshmas special, Miriael Sabathiel presents herself as seeming being quite sane and on-the-ball for a champion of Chaos, let alone a Slaaneshite, aside from her personal issues about feeling that [[DudeWheresMyRespect she doesn't get the respect that she deserves]]. When the discussion goes completely off the rails (not that it had much focus to begin with), with Lucius just sprinting off and starting to destroy things offscreen on a whim, she briefly wonders aloud about what in the Warp is going on... and the moment that Ahriman confirms that it's Slaaneshmas, she briefly remarks that "now it all makes sense" before donning her own Slaaneshmas hat and bolting off to join her fellow Slaaneshite in wrecking havoc.

* AluminumChristmasTrees: A lot of humor in the series comes from digging up obscure, ridiculous bits of canon material that have largely been forgotten about yet never actually contradicted by newer material. Fans are often surprised when they check the source material and find that ''Text-to-Speech'' did not make up that bit of silliness.
** Perhaps most famously, the Fab Custodes being based on 1st Edition material about the Adeptus Custodes that was only retconned well after this series began, and likely in part ''because'' of this series.
** There is indeed an Ork Warboss who named himself "Big Green". He's only mentioned in a single line and not elaborated upon, but he is canon. This one is actually lampshaded in-universe, with the character mentioning him giving the book and page number.
** One special talks about crotalids, enormous crocodilian predators that can, against all logic, somehow ''travel through the Warp'' despite being non-daemonic animals with no technology. Made up just for a [[Series/CrocodileHunter Steve Irwin]] parody and poking fun at Magnus's accent? Nope, [[https://warhammer40k.fandom.com/wiki/Crotalid they're canon]].
** From the Fourth special, Kitten punctures Magnus' mysticism by pointing out the OuijaBoard they're using was made by Hasbro corporation. Far future aside, Hasbro ''does'' own the Ouija trademark, and has sold Ouija boards before.
** In the Sixth special, Dorn questions the logic of Altdorf being able to have such dangerous beasts in a zoo despite the tech level being the equivalent of 16th century Germany. The truth is, the Imperial Zoo does in fact have all of those animals kept there, including an imperial dragon that was born and reared there.
** The Jopall Indentured Squadrons, their ginormous debt contracted from birth and their ridiculous pajama-looking uniforms are just a creation from Alfabusa to go along how greedy and mercantile Jopall rulers are, right? [[https://warhammer40k.fandom.com/wiki/Jopall_Indentured_Squadrons Both the regiments and the pajamas are canon]].

* {{Gainaxing}}: In episode 12, Alfabusa sure as hell made it a point to make Slaanesh's breasts to bounce like crazy, though considering how much the rest of their body is bouncing about at the same time it's not immediately apparent.

** At one point an Imperial Citizen sends the Emperor a letter asking him to give his blessing to the romance between [[https://1d4chan.org/wiki/Love_Can_Bloom LIIVI and Taldeer]]. The Emperor then talks about how the Eldar see humans as inferior, how by the standards of her race Taldeer is into beastiality "and is a sick fuck", and how she will probably catch a bunch of interspecies STDs and kill off half her craftworld. He concludes by [[ByNoIMeanYes giving his blessing]] to the romance.