History Quotes / PrettyFlyForAWhiteGuy

'''Raymond''': We're ''Italian'', Robert! [[DeadlyEuphemism Whack]] [[TheMafia means something completely different to us]].

->OrlandoBloom took a swing at you, you have a perfume called ''Girlfriend'', you threw eggs at a house… not gangsta.

->In the majority of [[Creator/StevenSeagal Seagal’s]] direct to DVD era filmography, Seagal has portrayed this insane ‘black man’ version of himself, most hilariously of all in the abominable ''Today You Die'', an [[{{Narm}} unintentional comedy classic]] where Seagal mumbles out ‘thug talk’ with all the street credibility of BillOReilly. Seagal even ensured that one of the black characters remarked that he '[[InformedAbility walks like a black man and breathes like a killer.]]' Absolute madness.

->'''Michael:''' These delusionals are your White Rastas. They're big [[BobMarley Marley]] fans, think they're black, semi-political, but mostly--

->I'd like to give a shout out to my girl Snooki over there...Oh, that ain't Snooki? I'm sorry. All white people who act black look alike to me.

'''Michael:''' These delusionals are your White Rastas. They're big [[BobMarley Marley]] fans, think they're black, semi-political, but mostly--
'''Cameron:''' [[TheStoner Smoke a lot of weed?]]
'''Michael:''' Exactly.

-->-- '''{{Creator/Seanbaby}}''', reviewing ''MalibusMostWanted'' for The Wave Magazine article "Raceploitation."

->'''Spoony:''' Big bad mean Watcher looks ready to snipe Duncan from an office building, but [[HandicappedBadass our favorite gimp]] Joe Dawson comes to save the day!\\
'''Pat:''' Joe's [[GangstaStyle going gangsta]] on him! Pop a gat!
-->--[[WebVideo/TheSpoonyExperiment Noah Antwiler]] and PatTheNESPunk watch ''{{Franchise/Highlander}}: Endgame''

->'''David:''' There’s a horny couple in a car — a female vampire played by Traci Lords and Lem from ''Series/TheShield''.\\
'''Chris:''' I’ve never seen The Shield, so I don’t know if it’s just this dude or not, but he does an amazing job as the clueless douchebag. I mean, he’s already at an advantage by being a skinny white dude trying to dress like Creator/SamuelLJackson, but that horrible laugh he has and the fact that he’s referring to his ding-dang as “[[ICallHimMisterHappy my heatseeker]]”… it’s a perfect storm of wanting to punch this guy in the face.
-->--Chris Sims and David Uzumeri [[http://comicsalliance.com/blade-movie-review-comicsalliance/ on]] ''{{Film/Blade}}''

->[[Wrestling/TheMiz Miz]] had a well made video package featuring the {{Music/Nas}} song "Hate Me Now" which told the story of his wrestling career. [[Wrestling/JohnCena Cena]] then had a black choir sing part of his entrance song.. because he's black? Nobody knew for sure, but they were booed by the Georgia Dome regardless.
-->--'''''Taimapedia''''' on Wrestlemania XXVII

->Because Billy Ray Cyrus got sick of Music/MileyCyrus getting all the attention by terrorizing the retinas of the masses, he shot a shit puddle of a video for the sequel to Achy Breaky Heart with help from Dionne Warwick’s rapping son Buck 22... Who, besides Billy Ray and his accountant, asked for a sequel to Achy Breaky Heart?\\\
Why did Dionne Warwick let this happen?\\\
How am I still typing even though all of my bodily functions have pretty much shut down and turned on me for watching all 3:33 minutes of [[SuckinessIsPainful this musical torture device]]?
-->--'''[[http://dlisted.com/2014/02/11/death-to-all-your-senses-billy-ray-cyrus-hip-hop-sequel-to-achy-breaky-heart/ Michael K.]]'''

->The sad thing is, I wouldn't call the comparison very fair. Unlike Music/VanillaIce, Snow actually ''did'' come from the projects; he ''did'' have that rough gangsta background; he did a couple stints in jail. And it didn't give him a shred of street cred, because Vanilla Ice claimed to have all those things, and he was a [[MilesGloriosus complete liar]], so everyone assumed Snow was lying, too. It's really amazing just how much Vanilla Ice [[RuinedFOREVER ruined being white.]]

->The comparison between Snow and Music/VanillaIce is pretty unavoidable. They were both white boys making black music, they had stage names that emphasized their whiteness... The sad thing is, I wouldn't call the comparison very fair. Unlike Vanilla Ice, Snow actually ''did'' come from the projects; he ''did'' have that rough gangsta background; he did a couple stints in jail. And it didn't give him a shred of street cred, because Vanilla Ice claimed to have all those things, and he was a complete liar, so everyone assumed Snow was lying, too. It's really amazing just how much Vanilla Ice [[RuinedFOREVER ruined being white.]] God, he sucks. Just...the worst man in history.

->Last night, in the big finish of a performance at the annual [[UsefulNotes/GrammyAward Straight White People Give Each Other Awards for Doing Black Music About Gay Rights Better Than You]] Convention, {{Music/Madonna}} shuffled weirdly out on stage with [[PimpDuds a bejeweled cane]] like a Country Western Barbie Yaga...It meant fucking nothing. If anything, it moved in reverse. It was the dinner-table obtuseness of your worst uncle. It shit on intellectual curiosity. It stank of [[TotallyRadical not getting it.]]\\\
It made you realize: Oh. [[BrokenPedestal Madonna is finite.]]

->Either [[StevenSeagal Seagal]] is the biggest fraud on the planet or he genuinely happens to transcend race and transforms into new ethnicities over time, kind of like a fucked up [[Series/DoctorWho Dr Who]]. Shockingly, it’s actually not the latter. In the past Seagal has enjoyed pretending to be Italian and Japanese respectively, but his current adopted cultural persona is that of the black man... In the majority of Seagal’s direct to DVD era filmography, Seagal has portrayed this insane ‘black man’ version of himself, most hilariously of all in the abominable ''Today You Die'', an [[{{Narm}} unintentional comedy classic]] where Seagal mumbles out ‘thug talk’ with all the street credibility of BillOReilly. Seagal even ensured that one of the black characters remarked that he '[[InformedAbility walks like a black man and breathes like a killer.]]' Absolute madness.

->Chavs are completely Amoral, having never been subjected to right and wrong by their [[ChildrenAreAWaste inattentive, uncaring and often absent parents.]]\\\
Chavs are part Magpie, evidentially supported by [[ConspicuousConsumption their love of all things shiny]], or as vaccuous, illiterate street-slang would say 'Bling'. They can be seen twokking from the Jewelry counter in Argos/Index.\\\
Whatever their ethnic background, Chavs have a built-in affinity to hip-hop/R&B, even if they are inherently racist.\\\
Chavs are for the most part, extremely stupid. However, some of them render a form of low cunning, which can be misinterpreted as intelligence. [[DelusionsOfEloquence However this is false.]] A Chav has no desire to better themself through honest means nor learn anything outside of [[ImprobablyCoolCar car modification.]]\\\
All chavs think that they are nails. [[MilesGloriosus Again, this is false.]] Sitting in a beaten up nova smoking lamberts does not precipitate a healthy body. The irony being that a Chav owns mainly sportswear, yet will only break a sweat if running from the police.\\\
Chavs are incredibly fertile beasts, and are highly successful breeders. Where they come unstuck is having to look after the offspring which their 13 yr old drunken fumble produces. More often that not the child will grow to be a Chav, having received no more guidance on life than the parent.\\\
Chavs have a fond love for cars, as well as a Creator/VinDiesel fixation. Rather than buy a nice car to start with, a chav will spend all their dole and tax-free labouring cash on upgrading a 10 year old car with 200,000 miles on the clock. The end product will invariably be a luminous monstrosity with at least one serious collision to it's name.

->Last night, in the big finish of a performance at the annual [[GrammyAward Straight White People Give Each Other Awards for Doing Black Music About Gay Rights Better Than You]] Convention, {{Music/Madonna}} shuffled weirdly out on stage with [[PimpDuds a bejeweled cane]] like a Country Western Barbie Yaga...It meant fucking nothing. If anything, it moved in reverse. It was the dinner-table obtuseness of your worst uncle. It shit on intellectual curiosity. It stank of [[TotallyRadical not getting it.]]\\\

From ''Amos 'n Andy
-->--'''FrankZappa''', "You Are What You Is"

All chavs [[TestosteronePoisoning think that they are nails.]] Again, this is false. Sitting in a beaten up nova smoking lamberts does not precipitate a healthy body. The irony being that a Chav owns mainly sportswear, yet will only break a sweat if running from the police.\\\

-->-- '''{{Seanbaby}}''', reviewing ''MalibusMostWanted'' for The Wave Magazine article "Raceploitation."

Chavs are incredibly fertile beasts, and are highly successful breeders. Where they come unstuck is having to look after the offspring which their 13 yr old drunken fumble produces. More often that not the child will crow to be a Chav, having received no more guidance on life than the parent.\\\

Chavs are for the most part, extremely stupid. However, some of them render a form of low cunning, which can be misinterpreted as intelligence. However this is false. A Chav has no desire to better themself through honest means nor learn anything outside of [[ImprobablyCoolCar car modification.]]\\\

!!!Fictional

!!!RealLife

-->--'''ShiaLabeouf'''

->Because Billy Ray Cyrus got sick of Music/MileyCyrus getting all the attention by terrorizing the retinas of the masses, he shot a shit puddle of a video for the sequel to Achy Breaky Heart with help from Dionne Warwick’s rapping son Buck 22... Who, besides Billy Ray and his accountant, asked for a sequel to Achy Breaky Heart?\\\
Why did Dionne Warwick let this happen?\\\
How am I still typing even though all of my bodily functions have pretty much shut down and turned on me for watching all 3:33 minutes of [[SuckinessIsPainful this musical torture device]]?
-->--'''[[http://dlisted.com/2014/02/11/death-to-all-your-senses-billy-ray-cyrus-hip-hop-sequel-to-achy-breaky-heart/ Michael K.]]'''

-->--'''John F. Kerry'''

->A foolish young man\\

-->-- {{Seanbaby}}, reviewing ''MalibusMostWanted'' for The Wave Magazine article "Raceploitation."