History Quotes / MyNewGiftIsLame

->''Mother-being, why would Queen Nanny Giftus bring me such a thoroughly deceased squemp for this, my only forty-third Celebrationings Eve? Like the previous forty-two celebrationings, mother just continued to drink heavily.

->''"This is a world where the electric knife was released on the market not because anyone would use one (market research said they wouldn't) but because they would buy them for other people."''
-->--'''[[http://projectnes.blogspot.com/2010/07/phish-self-released-double-album-junta.html El Sandifer]]'''

->''"Sometimes when a long-running show ends, the regular cast members, whose checkin accounts are overflowing with the millions they made from that shit, buys the crew a fancy goodbye gift that says, 'We’ll never see each other again, but think of me when you wash your ass on this solid gold bidet.' The cast of ''Series/{{Friends}}'' bought their crew PT Kwooooozers and the cast of ''Series/{{Dynasty|1981}}'' bought their crew a gift basket full of diamonds, champagne, bubble bath and shoulder pads (I made that last one up). So on the last day of filming for ''Series/DesperateHousewives'', the crew put on their Christmas morning smiles and were all ready to collect some good shit. But the ''[[Series/ThePriceIsRight Price is Right]]'' {{losing horn|s}} played in all of their heads when Creator/EvaLongoria, Creator/FelicityHuffman, Creator/MarciaCross and Music/VanessaWilliams brought out some cheap ass luggage. That shit wasn't even Tumi! Hell, it might not have even been Samsonite. The crew members thought there would be a ticket to Tahiti inside or maybe [[Creator/TeriHatcher Teri Snatcher]] was hiding inside and would pop out holding the keys to their new Priiiiiiuuuuuus. But nope. That didn't happen."''
-->--'''''[=DListed=]''''', [[http://dlisted.com/2012/05/09/i-worked-desperate-housewives-8-years-and-all-i-got-was-cheap-ass-luggage/ "I Worked On Desperate Housewives For 8 Years And All I Got Was This Cheap Ass Luggage!"]]

->''"Sometimes when a long-running show ends, the regular cast members, whose checkin accounts are overflowing with the millions they made from that shit, buys the crew a fancy goodbye gift that says, 'We’ll never see each other again, but think of me when you wash your ass on this solid gold bidet.' The cast of ''Series/{{Friends}}'' bought their crew PT Kwooooozers and the cast of ''Series/{{Dynasty}}'' bought their crew a gift basket full of diamonds, champagne, bubble bath and shoulder pads (I made that last one up). So on the last day of filming for ''Series/{{Desperate Housewives}}'', the crew put on their Christmas morning smiles and were all ready to collect some good shit. But the Price is Right {{losing horn|s}} played in all of their heads when Eva Longoria, Felicity Huffman, Marcia Cross and Vanessa Williams brought out some cheap ass luggage. That shit wasn’t even Tumi! Hell, it might not have even been Samsonite. The crew members thought there would be a ticket to Tahiti inside or maybe Teri Snatcher was hiding inside and would pop out holding the keys to their new Priiiiiiuuuuuus. But nope. That didn’t happen."''
-->--'''''[=DListed=]''''', [[http://dlisted.com/2012/05/09/i-worked-desperate-housewives-8-years-and-all-i-got-was-cheap-ass-luggage/ “I Worked On Desperate Housewives For 8 Years And All I Got Was This Cheap Ass Luggage!”]]

-->--'''[[http://projectnes.blogspot.com/2010/07/phish-self-released-double-album-junta.html Phil Sandifer]]'''

->''"Sometimes when a long-running show ends, the regular cast members, whose checkin accounts are overflowing with the millions they made from that shit, buys the crew a fancy goodbye gift that says, 'We’ll never see each other again, but think of me when you wash your ass on this solid gold bidet.' The cast of ''Series/{{Friends}}'' bought their crew PT Kwooooozers and the cast of ''{{Dynasty}}'' bought their crew a gift basket full of diamonds, champagne, bubble bath and shoulder pads (I made that last one up). So on the last day of filming for ''Series/{{Desperate Housewives}}'', the crew put on their Christmas morning smiles and were all ready to collect some good shit. But the Price is Right {{losing horn|s}} played in all of their heads when Eva Longoria, Felicity Huffman, Marcia Cross and Vanessa Williams brought out some cheap ass luggage. That shit wasn’t even Tumi! Hell, it might not have even been Samsonite. The crew members thought there would be a ticket to Tahiti inside or maybe Teri Snatcher was hiding inside and would pop out holding the keys to their new Priiiiiiuuuuuus. But nope. That didn’t happen."''

->''"First night, you get socks. Second night, an eraser, a notebook. We took the marvelous festival of giving that is Christmas and turned it into a Back-to-School holiday!"''
-->--'''Creator/LewisBlack''' on Hanukkah.

->''"Sometimes when a long-running show ends, the regular cast members, whose checkin accounts are overflowing with the millions they made from that shit, buys the crew a fancy goodbye gift that says, 'We’ll never see each other again, but think of me when you wash your ass on this solid gold bidet.' The cast of ''{{Friends}}'' bought their crew PT Kwooooozers and the cast of ''{{Dynasty}}'' bought their crew a gift basket full of diamonds, champagne, bubble bath and shoulder pads (I made that last one up). So on the last day of filming for ''{{Desperate Housewives}}'', the crew put on their Christmas morning smiles and were all ready to collect some good shit. But the Price is Right {{losing horn|s}} played in all of their heads when Eva Longoria, Felicity Huffman, Marcia Cross and Vanessa Williams brought out some cheap ass luggage. That shit wasn’t even Tumi! Hell, it might not have even been Samsonite. The crew members thought there would be a ticket to Tahiti inside or maybe Teri Snatcher was hiding inside and would pop out holding the keys to their new Priiiiiiuuuuuus. But nope. That didn’t happen."''