History Main / YourVampiresSuck

* DavidLubar uses this to great effect in the Weenies story "Attack of the Vampire Weenies." A sparkly man apparently named "Count Vranski" invades the house party of a child, whose brother has taken precautions to keep out real vampires (holy water, garlic, crucifixes, etc). As the man conforms to all the children's "Twilight" stereo-types, they think he's a vampire. He's not. After disposing of all the anti-vampire protections around the house, it is revealed that he's not a vampire at all: he's the lackey of a conventional vampire that is waiting outside, [[OhCrap and since the children assumed he spoke in the third person when he said "Count Vranski asks permission to enter this house",]] there is nothing else standing between the count [[WouldHurtAChild and his dinner.]]

* {{Invoked}} by Amber Stork from ''Literature/{{Rollerskater}}'', who enters a church uninvited and proceeds to destroy a cross with her bare hands, thus illustrating that the {{WeaksauceWeakness}}es of other vampires do not apply to her. She also states that she is unaffected by garlic, silver, and other traditional vampire-banes. [[spoiler:As it turns out, [[SubvertedTrope Rollerskater's vampires do have their own Weaksauce Weakness]] - it's just that it's a material that is pretty scarce and hard to find.]]

* ''Literature/TheTwilightSaga'':

** As should be evidenced by now, ''Twilight'' itself is a major target of this trope. It is in fact even likely that it's furthest down on the pecking order.

** One scene in Part 1, ''Manga/PhantomBlood'', shows a recently vampirized Dio Brando crushing a silver crucifix in his hand, as if to say "I'm not the type of vampire that's weak to silver and holy symbols!"
** The Pillar Men from Part 2, ''Manga/BattleTendency'', actually created vampires to serve as their food source and as {{Mooks}}, so naturally they look down upon them, despite being pseudo-vampires themselves. Or rather, vampires are pseudo-Pillar Men.

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* ''Series/{{Sanctuary}}'':
-->"And not only did they hunt them down, kill them off, but they turned our species into a cultural joke...\\
And now people think that we're allergic to garlic and that we can turn into bats at will. It's beyond insulting...\\
Or vile, stale, water blessed by some priest would have any other effect than a bad taste..."
-->-- UsefulNotes/NikolaTesla ([[BeethovenWasAnAlienSpy Yes, really]]).
** This is said in an episode where he gets staked (through the heart even) and is perfectly fine, except a bloodstain on his coat.

* ''Series/TheTwilightZone1985'': In "Monsters!", the vampire Emile Francis Bendictson criticizes the depiction of vampires in the monster movies enjoyed by Toby Michaels because almost everything in them is inaccurate.

** This is a similar story throughout Hellsing, and Alucard's character almost oozes this trope. His main battle strategy is to let his opponent tear him to shreds, then when they think they've won, he regenerates [[ShowyInvincibleHero just to show off how much better than them he is]] before [[CurbStompBattle curb stomping them]]. Most other vampires in the series crumble to dust when shot through the heart with [[AbnormalAmmo an explosive silver bullet]]. Much younger vampires and [[ThoseWackyNazis Millenium's]] army of [[NinjaPirateZombieRobot artificial vampire nazi soldiers]] don't even compare to Alucard, who is incredibly powerful and practically has [[ComboPlatterPowers a grab bag of superpowers]], and later his "protege" Seras Victoria; although Millenium's individual officers do have some unique and powerful abilities.

* The protagonist of ''Literature/TheSanguineChronicles'' has a special hate for ''Literature/TheTwilightSaga''. In part this is rooted in a loathing for bad literature, but also rooted in resentment of Creator/StephenieMeyer for trivializing and romanticizing his own condition. He feels about vampire fans the same way an AIDS patient might feel about [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bugchasing Bug chasers.]]

* ''Manga/{{Karin}}'' gets a lot of mileage out of this. Especially in the anime where Winner's earliest episode contains a montage of Winner's various vampire traps based on traditional vampire slaying methods...with an explanation from Karin about how silly some of them are: vampires are atheist, so crosses are out. Garlic might overwhelm a vampire's delicate sense of smell, but it's not poisonous, and even Karin has no idea where the running water thing came from. Carrera also looks horrified when Kenta mentions the stakes to the heart -- because that would kill ''anyone''. Though apparently not ''everyone'' as a few vampires are shown living quite well post-staking...sunlight is about the only traditional method shown to work reliably. Shown...''[[NightmareFuel extensively]]'' at one point during a flashback of [[spoiler: the Sinclair Family executing a family of innocent vampires]].

* ''WebOriginal/{{Mortasheen}}'' has a [[OurMonstersAreWeird very strange]] TakeThat (given that [[OurVampiresAreDifferent most of Mortasheen's vampires are based on aquatic lifeforms]]) to ''Literature/TheTwilightSaga'' with the monster [[http://www.bogleech.com/mortasheen/twileye.htm Twileye]].

* ''Series/InterviewWithTheVampire2022'': During a GoodTimesMontage in the fourth episode, we see the vampire family laughing hysterically while watching the first run of ''Film/{{Nosferatu}}'' in 1922. Lestat later parodies Orlok's movements at home, much to Louis and Claudia's amusement.

[[caption-width-right:350:[-[[Series/SesameStreet One! Two! Three!]] [[Creator/DaveChappelle Three left hooks]] to [[Literature/{{Twilight}} your]] little [[BishieSparkle sparkly]] face! [[https://poopbear.deviantart.com/art/Down-for-the-Count-153668816 Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!]]-]]]

{{Dracula}} is probably the most common vampire to be on the receiving end, since he is the source of almost every modern vampire trope, and hence embodies most of them in [[AdaptationOverdosed some]] [[AudienceColoringAdaptation version]] [[AdaptationDisplacement or]] [[LostInImitation another]]. On the modern end, ''Literature/{{Twilight}}'' is another very common easy potshot for vampire parodies, partly for the opposite reason that it averts so many traditional tropes. Additionally, the extreme negative reactions it has drawn from those outside its fandom make it a very easy target. The other two frequent targets are ''Series/BuffyTheVampireSlayer'' and ''Literature/TheVampireChronicles'', mainly because those are the only two additional works for which [[SmallReferencePools the writers can be sure the audience will know what's being mocked.]]

* ''Literature/KellyTheRomanWarrior'' and its sequel - both crossovers of multiple franchises - feature a running feud between Dracula ([[FriendlyNeighborhoodVampire a good guy]]) and a villainous [[Literature/{{Twilight}} Edward Cullen]]. [[RougeAnglesOfSatin Draculaka]] frequently complains that Edward doesn't do proper vampires things like turn into a bat, while Edward criticizes [[RunningGag Dracukla]] for not being sparkly.
* Secondary antagonist Norlock from ''Fanfic/TheNewAdventuresOfInvaderZim'' is, per WordOfGod, based on the Black Court from ''Literature/TheDresdenFiles'' (ergo, a walking, monstrous corpse). He also happens to have a huge BerserkButton for the modern portrayal of vampires -- at one point, he even sets out to attack a FanConvention for a ''Literature/{{Twilight}}'' knockoff movie franchise. Also, in his introduction he dismisses Dracula as a "hack with a good publicist".
* Professor Literature/{{Dracula}} [[https://www.deviantart.com/silverwingfox/art/Vampires-101-132176234 explains]] the differences between [[Literature/{{Twilight}} bad vampires]] and awesome vampires [[Literature/TheSagaOfDarrenShan to]] [[Manga/{{Hellsing}} some]] [[Series/{{Angel}} familiar]] [[Literature/InterviewWithTheVampire faces]]. Bonus points for having Headmaster Film/{{Nosferatu}} ''stab the sparkles coming off Edward's body''

-->'''[[VideoGame/TalesOfTheTempest Caius Qualls]]:''' Besides, vampires these days are complete wimps! Going around being all SPARKLY! Geez, [[Creator/StephenieMeyer whose]] idea was it to [[Literature/{{Twilight}} make vampires sparkle]]?!?

* Near the end of ''WesternAnimation/HotelTransylvania'', Dracula (in bat form) is flying after an airplane. He looks in one window and sees Jonathan sitting in front of a screen showing ''Film/{{Twilight}}''. All he can say is "''This'' is how we're represented? Unbelievable!"

* ''Film/{{Bit}}'': Laurel refers disparagingly to those teen vampire flicks which seem like the fantasy of an eight year old as the introduces the film via voiceover. Then at the end she hopes for sequels, though reassuring viewers she can't get pregnant for the fourth one (being a trans woman), obviously both referring to the ''Film/{{Twilight}}'' films.

* The first ''Literature/{{Twilight}}'' movie goes to great lengths to show that the vampires do not have the normal weaknesses. Must be invited? Edward enters Bella's room to spy on her. Garlic? They cook Italian food for Bella. Sunlight? They are not only immune, it actually makes them sparkle. Sleeping in a coffin? They have bedrooms with normal beds (and don't even sleep). Stake through the heart? Does nothing. No reflection? The final battle is in a mirror room with clear reflections of everybody. Drinking human blood? A major plot point is the fact that, even though animal blood works just fine, Bella is especially tantalising to Edward.

* The entire ''Film/VampiresSuck'' movie mocks the vampires of ''Literature/{{Twilight}}''.

* [[Literature/DoraWilkSeries Dora Wilk]] does this to Literature/{{Twilight}}ish BishieSparkle in one of the short stories:

** ''Literature/DeathMasks'' begins with Harry and a vampire on a talk show, being interviewed. The vampire is posing as human and rubbishing the idea of magic. The trope is eventually subverted when Harry realizes [[Literature/{{Dracula}} Bram Stoker]] wrote his novel on the orders of an opposing White Court of vampires who don't suffer the standard weaknesses (while possessing different ones themselves). It acted as a how-to guide for {{muggles}} on killing Black Court vampires by exposing their existence, weaknesses, and abilities, and was pretty successful at that. Nowadays only a handful of Black Court Vampires still exist. They're all extremely powerful and cunning, because they're the ones who managed to avoid the hunters. Based on this, many fans have joked that the White Court had the ''Literature/{{Twilight}}'' series written to portray them sympathetically.

** The narrator gets off some jabs at ''Literature/{{Dracula}}'' when discussing how some vampires in the West literally call their human servants [[TheRenfield "Renfield"]]. Also, when she describes human love as "an apologetic perfume for the stench of human lust", one of the images used is of ''Literature/{{Twilight}}''.

* In the ''Literature/FalconQuinn'' series, Ms. Redflint, the dean of students, is ''not'' fond of vampires. She hates how they all seem to be walking superiority/inferiority complexes, what with the "Literature/{{twilight}} brooding" and general angst, and dearly hopes none of Falcon's group are vampires. The vampires quite live up to her expectations, as the vampires use their supposed "awesomeness" to assume the role of the AlphaBitch in the monster hierarchy.

* ''Literature/MonsterHunterInternational'' takes potshots at ''Literature/{{Twilight}}'', as well as ''Literature/TheVampireChronicles''. An Creator/AnneRice fan gets eaten when she tries to reason with vampires, and Z blames people who want to reason with monsters on ''Twilight.''

* Many ParanormalRomance books written after ''Literature/{{Twilight}}'' take time to mock it. With this excellent example from the ''Literature/NightHuntress'' series:

* The protagonist of ''Literature/TheSanguineChronicles'' has a special hate for ''Literature/{{Twilight}}''. In part this is rooted in a loathing for bad literature, but also rooted in resentment of Creator/StephenieMeyer for trivializing and romanticizing his own condition. He feels about vampire fans the same way an AIDS patient might feel about [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bugchasing Bug chasers.]]
* One character in the ''Literature/SkulduggeryPleasant'' novels is a [[ReallySevenHundredYearsOld (perpetually)]] 19-year old vampire called Caelan, more or less a CaptainErsatz of Edward from ''Literature/{{Twilight}}'' (which is even [[LampshadeHanging lampshaded]] by Valkyrie), [[StalkerWithACrush right down to stalking the female lead]]. He's almost universally hated by vampires [[ApeShallNeverKillApe for killing one of his own]], and humans for pretending to be something he's not, every time he meets another vampire they beat him within an inch of his life, and the protagonists only tolerate him when Valkyrie makes them.

* ''Literature/TheTumbleweedDossier'' takes several shots at ''Literature/{{Twilight}}''.
* Creator/StephenieMeyer's ''Literature/{{Twilight}}''.

** If you're a fan of ''Literature/{{Twilight}}'' it might be best to stay away from the comics. The BigBad was named as such before the novels took off then the bashing on the work was dialed up when they had with a TakeThat being used at any given opportunity even today.

* Happens in ''Series/MyBabysittersAVampire'' with the in-universe book ''Dusk'', an obvious parody of ''Literature/{{Twilight}}''.

** The opening scene in the season 6 episode "[[Recap/SupernaturalS06E05LiveFreeOrTwiHard Live Free or Twi Hard]]", in a direct TakeThat to ''Literature/{{Twilight}}'' has vampires [[ExploitedTrope using the popularity of the vampire pop culture (specifically ''Twilight'') to seduce victims.]]

** Damon reads ''Literature/{{Twilight}}'' and laughs at it, saying that Edward is whipped, and when asked he says that he'd burn in the sunlight like any normal vampire, if not for his ring. When asked why doesn't he sparkle, he says that he "[[ThisIsReality lives in the real world where vampires burn in the sun.]]" However, he did profess an admiration for Anne Rice in the same conversation. In general taking potshots at ''Twilight'', with which the show has something of a FandomRivalry, is something of a RunningGag.

** ''Requiem'' in particular has two outright {{Take That}}s; the inevitable backlash against ''Literature/{{Twilight}}'' in the form of a joke merit in the parody splat "Dudes of Legend", which grants immunity to sunlight at the cost of "sparkling, and making people think you're kind of gay", and one against stereotypical vampire movie fans in the form of "Players" bloodline from "Bloodlines: The Legendary". For added points, the Players are a bloodline of the Mekhet clan ("vampires as watching, lurking predators") who wish they were Daeva ("VampiresAreSexGods") and who've tried -- and failed -- to force themselves into fitting that model better, since they don't consider typical Mekhet to be "real" vampires.

* In a weird case of '''[[InvertedTrope Our]]''' [[InvertedTrope Vampires Suck]], ''VideoGame/DungeonsOfDredmor'' claims that the [[Literature/{{Twilight}} 'Sparkly']] skill that [[MonsterAdventurers vampire heroes]] can obtain drains life from your enemies because of how stupid it is.

* ''Webcomic/AndShineHeavenNow'' joins in the ''Literature/{{Twilight}}'' mocking bandwagon by saying that fangirls were what caused ''Twilight'' vampires to sparkle in the first place. That said, in Shineverse fangirls had RealityWarper powers.

** Also, one of the bits of swag the author includes with print editions is a bumpersticker that says Real Vampires [[Literature/{{Twilight}} DON'T FRICKING SPARKLE]].

* A full chapter, ''Bloodsuckers are not sexy'' of ''Webcomic/FafnirTheDragon'' was half this towards, and half [[{{Gorn}} grisly deathscenes]] of ''Literature/{{Twilight}}'''s vampires at the hands of [[https://web.archive.org/web/20110612132349/http://fafnirthedragon.com/2010/06/28/bloodsuckers-44/ Vlad the Impaler,]] aka Literature/{{Dracula}}.
* ''Webcomic/{{Freefall}}'' manages to get a ''Literature/{{Twilight}}'' jab in by proxy. Florence and Winston are at a Day of the Dead celebration when they find a doll in the shape of a 20th century legendary monster. The doll is stylized, as the monster's reputation has been increasingly romanticized and less horrific over the centuries, and sparkles. [[spoiler: It's ''Adolf Hitler''.]]
* One strip of ''Webcomic/NerfNow'' had [[Franchise/{{Castlevania}} someone with a chain whip]] murder [[Literature/{{Twilight}} Edward Cullen]].

* One story arc in ''Webcomic/SamAndFuzzy'' features a vampire named [[CaptainErsatz Edwin]] [[Literature/{{Twilight}} Colin]]. It turns out that all vampires are [[TakeThat creepy, obsessive stalkers utterly convinced of their own romanticism]].

* In ''Webcomic/SequentialArt'', [[http://www.collectedcurios.com/sequentialart.php?s=657 Pip's response]] to finding Scarlet and her sisters have been watching ''Literature/{{Twilight}}'' is to break out his copy of ''Film/BramStokersDracula''.

* ''Webcomic/{{Spinnerette}}'' takes a jab at the ''Literature/{{Twilight}}'' concept of vampires by having them encounter a vampire who turns women into raving fangirls, and who gets all sparkly when he goes out into the sunlight and starts speaking with a lisp. He only has the lisp because Tiger knocked most of his teeth out with a single punch.

* In ''WebVideo/CarmillaTheSeries'' Laura researches vampires by reading vampire novels. She makes a face and throws ''Literature/{{Twilight}}'' aside. Carmilla also makes comments on how inaccurate vampire movies are, saying "pop culture has so much to answer for."
* ''WebVideo/HellsingUltimateAbridged'' opens with this, directed at ''Literature/{{Twilight}}''. Edward and Bella are making out in an abandoned house, there comes a knock, Edward asks who's there, gets shot a few times, and Alucard answers "A ''real'' [[PrecisionFStrike fucking]] vampire."

* ''WebVideo/ImAMarvelAndImADC'' did this in one parody episode featuring Sookie Stackhouse from ''Series/TrueBlood'', and Bella from ''Literature/{{Twilight}}''. It even extended to an episode of "F My Life" between Edward and Bill over whose life sucks more.
* ''WebOriginal/{{Mortasheen}}'' has a [[OurMonstersAreWeird very strange]] TakeThat (given that [[OurVampiresAreDifferent most of Mortasheen's vampires are based on aquatic lifeforms]]) to ''Literature/{{Twilight}}'' with the monster [[http://www.bogleech.com/mortasheen/twileye.htm Twileye]].

* In ''ComicBook/ScareTactics'', resident vampire Screamqueen is mightily pissed when the band's manager/minder Arnie Burnsteel lines her coffin with grave dirt. She rails at the stupidity of a man who believes that the movie ''Film/{{JFK}}'' was part of a massive disinformation campaign (Arnie is a ConspiracyTheorist) but accepts everything he sees in a Franchise/UniversalHorror film as gospel.

* In the "X-Files meets GI Joe" setting of ''TabletopGame/{{GURPS}}: Black Ops'', vampires are actually victims of a mysterious vampire that turns them into monsters who have a craving for blood and raw organ tissue which makes heroin addiction mild in comparison. They don't care about holy water, crucifixes and running water, but as their skin is extremely sensitive to ultraviolet rays, even Indoor lighting can slowly damage them. They are also solitary by nature and shun human contact except when going out to kill, which they need to do about 3-4 times a week. They also retain all their human skills, and if they had them before, their psionic powers. The Book's fictional narrator in fact plays on the classic clichés.

* In ''Webcomic/SluggyFreelance'', each clan of vampires has a different set of powers and weaknesses. In "Muffin the Vampire Baker", Sam -- a Lysinda circle vampire with Anne Rice of ''Vampire: The Masquerade'' abilities -- goes to an [[AdventureTowns Adventure Town]] that's an obvious parody of [[Series/BuffyTheVampireSlayer Sunnydale]], and mocks the vampires there for turning to dust at a stake to the heart.

[[folder:Myths & Religion]]
* Literature/TheBible spares no opportunity to take potshots at the deities of the ancient Middle East, with the ''Literature/BooksOfKings'' featuring Elijah suggesting that Baal does not answer Caananite prayers because he is defecating or on holiday.
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* ''Series/InterviewWithTheVampire2022'': During a GoodTimesMontage in the fourth episode, Lestat, Claudia and Louis are laughing hysterically while watching the first run of ''Film/{{Nosferatu}}'' in 1922. Lestat later parodies Orlok's movements at home, much to Louis and Claudia's amusement.