History JustForFun / IfIAmEverHeadOfAnAlienMonitoringAgency

** On the other hand, in case of alien invasion, the first thing we will try is a water balloon full of those same common, harmless earth viruses and bacteria.

*** In the event that we end up with someone actually does get controlled and breaks free, there will be a quick way of telling the entire agency "I have been compromised; disable my clearances, lock down the area, and do not look directly at me". [[Manga/DeathNote A belt buckle for sending the message is not fast enough]].

** These weekly examinations will NOT, repeat, not, be held on the same day every week. Preferably, they will be held no more nine days apart, or before four days after the previous examination.

** Just in case of the [[TemptingFate unlikely event of one or more agents having]] [[AxeCrazy a complete psychotic breakdown in the middle of the HQ]] flamethrowers, and all other high-end weaponry, will be kept under lock and key until properly checked out from the armoury, after having their use approved. Agents will be permitted to wear standard-issue sidearms inside the base in case of a sudden compromise in perimeter security, but all heavy or specialised weapons must be checked at the door and taken directly to the armouries (which will have a range and other training facilities), and until an emergency such as the invasion of that HQ justifies opening the armoury to all comers, the carrying of specialist weapons will not be tolerated in normal working areas except by dedicated base-security staff. I do NOT need to be interrupted from my paperwork by someone tearing up the corridors firing jets of blazing napalm and shouting [[WebOriginal/ProtectorsOfThePlotContinuum "Mr Rodgers! Mr Rodgers!"]] and all staff will have weapons '''immediately''' withheld if they fail their scheduled psychiatric evaluations: Issuing flamethrowers to [[VideoGame/TeamFortress2 the gas-masked psychopath with the speech-impediment]] is WAY out.

# I will make it clear to my agents that [[Film/MenInBlack assigning the rookie a sidearm without explaining its capabilities, let alone qualifying said rookie on the firing range and assault course]] is ''not'' kosher.

# I will issue Type IV body armour to combat personnel until and unless it is proven to be like unto paper against alien weaponry. If such proof arrives, I will immediately withdraw it from the combat teams, to be replaced with light anti-shrapnel armour and order development of armour that actually does work, [[VideoGame/XCom using alien armour technology as a starting point]] if recovered examples prove resistant.

# I will keep in mind that even if the enemy forces consist of giant, menacing space vessels that earth maintains a highly skilled and expedient air force and I will make judicious use of it. Very few things in the universe can survive sustained fire from fighter jets and bombers. I will not leave stopping a fully armed alien invasion to [[Film/TheAvengers2012 a small group of paranormal individuals to defend a fully populated city when I can explicitly have air forces in the area in less than a minute]].
** My Airforce, or any Airforce temporarily seconded to my command should be competent, and as a result I will be [[TranquilFury somewhat upset]] if I find they’ve been [[Film/IndependenceDay trying to shoot down space craft the size of city blocks with sidewinders]]. We will use the right tools for the task.
# If unknown attackers suddenly descend upon the cities of the Earth and are then repelled by a second unknown group with casual ease I will not necessarily trust the second group.
** In fact, due to demonstrating superior millitary power and having not made contact with us to let us know it will be used beforehand, I will be much more suspicious of them.
# When meeting aliens, the security detail for any meeting will not consist solely of [[HalfHumanHybrid alien human hybrids]], mutants or normal humans in case the aliens have some kind control power over one of these groups.

# Named stars are generally bright. Bright stars are generally big. Big stars are generally unsuitable for life. Most of them do not live long enough for life to emerge in any case. If a race of aliens claims to come from Deneb or Rigel, I will proceed on the assumption that they are lying until and unless they can provide some kind of proof for their claim. I will bear in mind that if they ''are'' telling the truth, they are probably refugees from the imminent (<1M years) supernova of their home stellar system and sending them back is not going to be an option. I will also keep an open mind in case the Rigel they're from is different from the Rigel we're familiar with. Though I'm gonna want an idea where ''that'' Rigel is.

** Unless this is ''[[ConspicuousConsumption why]]'' they want to eat humans, in which case I will find something even rarer and harder to bread/rear/mature for show-off aliens to eat (and then sell it to them in exchange for Alien Tech). If push comes to shove, [[EatTheDog and it's us or the Pandas]], well... they're [[IncrediblyLamePun finger Ling-ling good]]!

** In addition to this, I will have with me at all times a staff member who can speak a language I explicitly do not understand. That way, if their "translators" can translate the alien tongue into English, but not that spoke by my companion, I will know the translator is either a fraud, or has English programmed into it to translate, thus requiring them to have been here long enough to have learnt it.

** I will, however, remember that even if crewed by a pacifistic and unarmed people, [[SuperweaponSurprise there is no such thing]] [[WeaponizedExhaust as an unarmed interstellar vessel]] [[Literature/KnownSpace and I will never presume a war against any race with them will be a pushover]] [[WarIsHell rather than a hard, bloody slog]], [[LensmanArmsRace which could soon escalate to frankly ridiculous levels]]. Hell, I will never presume war with any Aliens, [[RockBeatsLaser even very primitive ones]] [[WarIsHell will be anything other than a hard, bloody slog]]. [[Film/{{Avatar}} Especially if they're blue]]. [[Franchise/StarWars Or furry]].

# If aliens are kidnapping people and their explanation, when pressed, is that their [[WorldHalfEmpty race is dying]] or they are the LastOfTheirKind [[MarsNeedsWomen and they need to breed with humans]], [[MateOrDie in order to survive]], and so they have been kidnapping and [[FaceFullOfAlienWingWong knocking up humans]], then I will take this with a pinch of salt as even with [[HumanAliens convergent evolution]] any form of [[NoBiochemicalBarriers viable pregnancy or even sterile hybridization seems unlikely]]. If this in fact turns out to be the truth, or if it's not but they [[GreenSkinnedSpaceBabe just honestly find humans sexy]] [[BoldlyComing and want some fun]] [[OrangeAndBlueMorality but did not understand we would not approve of the kidnap]] [[DoubleStandardRapeSciFi as they would]] then I will stop the abductions and just recommend that they set up a website to recruit [[InterspeciesRomance like-minded humans]] [[TheInternetIsForPorn via the internet]], safe in the knowledge that [[UglyCute no matter what the aliens look like]] or how they reproduce, there will be no shortage of volunteers.

** I will remember the great improvement in the human condition [[ForScience brought about by scientific progress]]. If "friendly" Aliens start spreading anti-scientific sentiment, implying a [[MilkmanConspiracy global scientific conspiracy despite the fact that scientist are about as far from a unified group as you could get on earth]], or if prominent scientists and anthropologists investigating these Visitors start to disappear, I will remember to whom, between human scientists and aliens, I owe my allegiance. (Hint: [[spoiler:humans.]])

** To take it one step further, I will actively assist them in any way I can that does not violate my organization's charter or overstep my authority. There's always the chance they'll return the favor, and if not I've made Earth a little safer.
** If it is ever either a necessity or manifestly in Earth's best interests, [[CutLexLuthorACheck I will not be too proud to work with super villains]] [[EnemyMine against a greater enemy]]. However, [[BetrayalInsurance I will assume that they are going to betray me]], and will be prepared for this. Note: work with them against a common, [[SlidingScaleOfVillainThreat BIGGER enemy]]: If we find ourselves [[TheFarmerAndTheViper working alongside the Joker]], to [[UltimateShowdownOfUltimateDestiny beat up E.T.]] we're doing something ''[[EpicFail wrong]]''!

# It is my job to protect the planet. As such the governments of said world and the rights of citizens of said world are secondary concerns. They may complain, but dead people ''can't''.

** I will remain alert of the many hilarious incidences of moles [[HiredToHuntYourself being the persons appointed]] to find TheMole in the first place, and then realize that it's not hilarious when it's happening to you. Therefore I shall activate no fewer than three separate investigations into who is the mole. Only the leaders of said investigations will be aware that there ''are'' multiple, concurrent running investigations; they will not be appraised of ''who'' is running the other investigations, and they will all be made aware that I trust each of them individually about as far as I can throw an enraged African elephant, so they'd either better start producing hard evidence or concurring with information which originates wholly independently of them.

** On the other hand, staff will be taught investigative skills or at the very least, critical thinking skills. Saying "I just know" when asked to explain the situation does not help the case at all.

** Alien imports will be subject to a punitive import tariff to protect Earth's industries. [[UsefulNotes/{{Economics}} Laissez-faire free-market capitalism is all very well and good]], but there is no place for the "invisible hand" of free-market wealth if the hand in question belongs to an alien power. It goes without saying that [[OffscreenVillainDarkMatter a good percentage of the cash raised by this tariff will go to my organization]] and that we will have the final say in if any particular import license is granted.

# In fact, I will set up a nice little retirement home for them, or [[PetTheDog a good reference]] for a position with subsidiary of our civilian engineering firms. Or I'll just set them up with a nice place on [[Series/ThePrisoner1967 an isolated island resort]], which really ''is'' better than it sounds.

# I will employ a team of experts in linguistics, anthropology, zoology, biology, and anything else I can think of to create a college level course in every new alien species we work with, and encounter. It will include basic language, culture, taboos, anatomy, and anything else useful in working with them. This will be mandatory for all of my staff. This should curb the horrible misunderstandings and failed emergency medical treatment, and should encourage overall acceptance of these new species.

# I will employ, or at least maintain a functional working relationship, with several people in the media. They help kill any security leaks I have, and they get to have the exclusives on any non-alien scandals and threats I uncover.

# One of my revenue streams should be a games company. This has the now-familiar screening and revenue benefits (see previous points), but also gives me the advantage of employing a group of people whose job it is to consider strange scenarios and who will be running forums, presumably, for people who do the same as a hobby. [[Series/StargateUniverse Some gamers can be dangerously fiendish]].

** Therefore, as much as I may wish to hire [[Series/{{Mythbusters}} Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman]], I will consider that there ''probably are'' less well-known individuals with similar expertise and experience whom I can employ if, for some reason, I need some people capable of MacGyvering in my organization. Good administrators who are more or less unknown are similarly easy to come by, so really, the only well-known personnel I should even be ''considering'' recruiting are scientific geniuses whose minds are simply and literally without peer, such as Creator/StephenHawking.

# I will presumably be running at least a small military sooner or later, and they will need training to guard my facilities, to say nothing of engage hostiles. They cannot do this concealed. As such, I will take care to have people assume that they are the local National Guard, not random people with guns.

# I will ensure that all combat staff has undergone psychological training to react calmly in emergencies (being told that they are fighting aliens as well as a tour of one of the storage depots helps). Saying "Oh my god. They took Frank!" is infinitely less helpful than "Unknown subject with visual similarities to specimen Beta-2 has abducted unit 5-3 and is due West from our position. Requesting aerial pursuit. Over."

# I will employ great direction in recruiting my agents. Psychopaths cannot be controlled, and sociopaths are almost always more trouble to control than they are worth. It does me no good whatsoever to employ someone who likes to kill if the aliens can promise him more slaughter than I am willing to permit him to indulge in, and if it is power he seeks, he won't take long to realize that he'll have more power as the puppet ruler of the aliens than as a regulated cog in my organization. Foolish notions about such people being better employed "pissing out than in," will be regarded as backward-thinking at best.

# I will never have all of my commanders in any one place. They will never go all to one meeting, and if requested to do so, some or most will employ an advanced system known as "teleconferencing".

** Specifically, we will put some thought into constructing, if need be, living quarters and even entire towns to house exclusively the families of our staff where we can guard them. If our people cannot be effective without knowing that their loved ones aren't in harms way - or worse, are going to be susceptible to manipulation by having their families attacked, and recruiting only lone wolves without families isn't an option (for practical or ethical reasons), we may simply have to accept the fact that we're going to be directly responsible for the security and well-being of a lot of noncombatant, non-staff personnel.

** On the other hand, I ''will'' use common technology if I can employ it as one of many layers that need to be breached before the system is fully compromised; after all, technology that everyone uses is technology that's been tested against a ''lot'' of hackers. Additionally, I will ''never'' use internally-developed cryptographic software unless the algorithms involved have been verified independently by several in-house cryptologists to be resistant to all forms of cryptanalysis besides brute-force and rubber-hose. Even then, I will attempt use multiple encryption algorithms of roughly equal strength so that if one is breached, at least some of our organization remains uncompromised. (Ideally, multiple algorithms will be used on each file such that all need to be breached to recover its contents.)

# Rather than just having a single, all-purpose password I will use a system of passwords. Each person will have more than one unique to them, [[Film/TheBourneSeries one of which will mean "I am being forced to do this".]] Logging in with this password will grant all standard accesses and permissions, but with a hot-key that will automatically undo everything that has been done during the login session and lock down all base computers. Nothing permanent will be able to be done during this login session, but the appearance will be made that it has been such. Hopefully it goes without saying that using this login will send security, locked and loaded, to the terminal where the login has been made.

# If we take any aliens prisoner, they will be stripped of all their technology, and held in a maximum security facility. I will remain aware of the fact that not all of what actually is technology is what looks like technology, therefore captive aliens will be stripped completely and issued some form of prison garb. They will also be cavity searched and diagnostically imaged. If desperate human prisoners are willing to go to such lengths to smuggle things into prison, I have to assume that any aliens I take prisoner (who cannot be confident at all of their survival, much less future freedom) will be even ''more'' desperate, and take appropriate measures.

# All of my bases will have air vents no larger than necessary and which include some kind anti-intruder countermeasures. I am ''not'' having enemies sneak around [[AirVentPassageway through the ventilation shafts]].

# I will make sure that security cameras can all be seen from other security cameras. This will prevent anyone from what in a blind spot below them or from obscuring the camera.

** High-Level facilities (underground bunkers, headquarters, laboratories, etcetera) will be built to the highest building code standards possible. Covert facilities, on the other hand, will be built to resemble the local infrastructure as much as is possible without compromising their function. Safehouses for covert monitoring only, for instance, located in a shanty town will be built as a shanty, but there will be fire extinguishers everywhere. It's really pointless to build an elaborate underground base that gives you away by costing more than the gross yearly income of everyone who isn't a drug trafficker in a hundred-mile radius.

# I am an equal-opportunity employer. Ethnic slurs, as well as spur-of-the-moment [[FantasticSlur xeno-slurs]], are not to be tolerated. The last thing we need is a war because someone was compared to a [[BrainInAJar water cooler]], or a [[Series/DoctorWho pepper pot]].