History GeniusBonus / Jokes

* Is it solipsistic[[labelnote:*]]The belief that only the self exists.[[/labelnote]] in here, or is it just me?

* A businessman arriving in Boston for a convention found that his first evening was free, and he decided to go find a good seafood restaurant that served scrod, a Massachusetts specialty. Getting into a taxi, he asked the cab driver, "Do you know where I can get scrod?" "Sure," said the cabdriver. "I know a few places... but I can tell you it's not often I hear someone ask that question in the third-person pluperfect indicative!"[[note]]There's actually a lot of debate among grammar nerds over what is the actual proper name for using "screwed" in this tense, but if you're telling jokes, most GeniusBonus people will get it's a play on obscure grammar.[[/note]]

-->Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex (OhCrap)[[note]]The joke being that the periods after each "sex" are ''menstrual'' periods, resulting in a SurprisePregnancy.[[/note]]

-->Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex (OhCrap!)[[note]]The joke being that the periods after each "sex" are ''menstrual'' periods, resulting in a SurprisePregnancy.[[/note]]

* A new preacher comes to a small town on a Friday, and decides it would be a good idea to visit each member of his congregation at home to get to know them before Sunday's service. All goes well until he comes to one house. The preacher knocks, and rings the door bell, but even though the lights are on and activity can be seen inside, no one answers the door. Exasperated, but deciding it's best not to bother them, the preacher takes a card out of his pocket and writes "Revelation 3:20"[[note]]''Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and will dine with him, and he with Me.''[[/note]] on it, before slipping it under the door and leaving. Come Sunday, after finishing his sermon at the local church, the preacher finds the card in his collection basket, and sees that the resident of the house has written "Genesis 3:10"[[note]]''I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because [[NakedPeopleAreFunny I was naked]]''[[/note]].

-->'''Q:''' When does a pentagon[[note]]the five-sided figure[[/note]] only have ''four'' sides?
-->'''A:''' When it's bisected[[note]]split into two equal parts[[/note]] by a plane[[note]]the flat, two-dimensional surface[[/note]].
* When [[Literature/TheBible the Ark came to rest on Mount Ararat]], Noah told all the animals to go forth and multiply. The animals all went on their way except the snakes, who slithered up to Noah and said "But Noah, we can't multiply, we're adders."[[note]][[{{Pun}} "Adder" is both a term for snakes and people who add things up in math]][[/note]]. Noah picked up the snakes and took them into the ark, placing them on the rough-hewn furniture, telling them "Even adders can multiply on a log table"[[note]][[{{Pun}} A table made of logs and a logarithmic table.]][[/note]]

* A Denver pizza restaurant near a university had this sign: R𝜋R[[superscript:2]] [[note]]"Our pie are square."[[/note]]
* An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first asks for a pint of beer. The second asks for a half pint. The third for a quarter pint. The fourth for an eighth pint. The fifth for a sixteenth pint. This goes on for a bit until the bartender slams his fist down on the bar and says "You mathematicians need to know your limits!"[[note]]A limit is a value that becomes so infinitely small it can be discarded or ignored AND "Knowing your limit" is knowing how much you can drink and still function.[[/note]]

* Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says "I'll have a glass of H[[subscript:2]]O". The second gives the first a weird look and says "I'll have a glass of water too." The first chemist, angry that [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hydrogen_peroxide#Safety his murderous plot failed]], drinks on in silence. [[note]] If you didn't understand, he wanted the other guy to say, "I'ill have a glass of H[[subscript:2]]O too," in which case, he'd get a glass of H[[subscript:2]]O[[subscript:2]], or Hydrogen peroxide.[[/note]]

-->Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex (OhCrap)[[note]] The joke being that the periods after each "sex" are ''menstrual'' periods, resulting in a SurprisePregnancy.[[/note]]
* A businessman arriving in Boston for a convention found that his first evening was free, and he decided to go find a good seafood restaurant that served scrod, a Massachusetts specialty. Getting into a taxi, he asked the cab driver, "Do you know where I can get scrod?" "Sure," said the cabdriver. "I know a few places... but I can tell you it's not often I hear someone ask that question in the third-person pluperfect indicative!"[[note]]There's actually a lot of debate among grammar nerds over what is the actual proper name for using "screwed" in this tense, but if you're telling jokes, most GeniusBonus people will get it's a play on obscure grammar[[/note]]
* A Roman (in other versions: a Classical philologist) walks into a bar and orders a 'Martinus'. The bartender asks, "surely you mean a Martini?" The man replies, "I would have told you if I wanted two!"

* Is it solipsistic[[labelnote:*]]The belief that only the self exists[[/labelnote]] in here, or is it just me?

-->Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex (OhCrap)
** The joke being that the periods after each "sex" are ''menstrual'' periods, resulting in a SurprisePregnancy.

* A new preacher comes to a small town on a Friday, and decides it would be a good idea to visit each member of his congregation at home to get to know them before Sunday's service. All goes well until he comes to one house. The preacher knocks, and rings the door bell, but even though the lights are on and activity can be seen inside, no one answers the door. Exasperated, but deciding it's best not to bother them, the preacher takes a card out of his pocket and writes "Revelation 3:20"[[note]]''Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and will dine with him, and he with Me.''[[/note]] on it, before slipping it under the door and leaving. Come Sunday, after finishing his sermon at the local church, the preacher finds the card in his collection basket, and sees that the resident of the house has written "Genesis 3:10"[[note]]''I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because [[NakedPeopleAreFunny I was naked]].''[[/note]].

* A new preacher comes to a small town on a Friday, and decides it would be a good idea to visit each member of his congregation at home to get to know them before Sunday's service. All goes well until he comes to one house. The preacher knocks, and rings the door bell, but even though the lights are on and activity can be seen inside, no one answers the door. Exasperated, but deciding it's best not to bother them, the preacher takes a card out of his pocket and writes "Revelation 3:20"[[note]]''Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and will dine with him, and he with Me.''[[/note]] on it, before slipping it under the door and leaving. Come Sunday, after finishing his sermon at the local church, the preacher finds the card in his collection basket, and sees that the resident of the house has written "Genesis 3:10"[[note]]''I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked.''[[/note]].

* An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first asks for a pint of beer. The second asks for a half pint. The third for a quarter pint. The fourth for an eighth pint. The fifth for a sixteenth pint. This goes on for a bit until the bartender slams his fist down on the bar and says "You mathematicians need to know your limits!"[[note]]A limit is a value (usually infinitely small) that a function approaches as the input approaches another value, AND "Knowing your limit" is knowing how much you can drink and still function.[[/note]]

* An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first asks for a pint of beer. The second asks for a half pint. The third for a quarter pint. The fourth for an eighth pint. The fifth for a sixteenth pint. This goes on for a bit until the bartender slams his fist down on the bar and says "You mathematicians need to know your limits!"[[note]]A limit is a value (usually infinitely small) that a function approaches as the input approaches another value.[[/note]]

* Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says "I'll have a glass of H[[subscript:2]]O". The second gives the first a weird look and says "I'll have a glass of water too." The first chemist, angry that [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hydrogen_peroxide#Safety his murderous plot failed]], drinks on in silence. [[note]]If you didn't understand, he wanted the other guy to say, "I'ill have a glass of H[[subscript:2]]O too," in which case, he'd get a glass of H[[subscript:2]]O[[subscript:2]], or Hydrogen peroxide.[[/note]]

* Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says "I'll have a glass of H[[subscript:2]]O". The second gives the first a weird look and says "I'll have a glass of water too." The first chemist, angry that [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hydrogen_peroxide#Safety his murderous plot failed]], drinks on in silence. [[note]]If you didn't understand, he wanted the other guy to say, I"ill have a glass of H2O too, in which case, he'd get a glass of H2O2, or Hydrogen peroxide.[[/note]]

* Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says "I'll have a glass of H[[subscript:2]]O". The second gives the first a weird look and says "I'll have a glass of water too." The first chemist, angry that [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hydrogen_peroxide#Safety his murderous plot failed]], drinks on in silence.

* An [[TooSoon inappropriate]] 9/11 joke relies on a person's knowledge of geometry, generally above LowestCommonDenominator knowledge:

[[AC:History GeniusBonus]]

* Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says "I'll have a glass of H2O". The second gives the first a weird look and says "I'll have a glass of water too." The first chemist, angry that [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hydrogen_peroxide#Safety his murderous plot failed]], drinks on in silence.

* A Roman (in other versions: a Classical philologist) walks into a bar and orders a 'Martinus'. The bartender asks, "surely you mean a Martini?" The man replies, "I would have told if I wanted two!"

* A businessman arriving in Boston for a convention found that his first evening was free, and he decided to go find a good seafood restaurant that served scrod, a Massachusetts specialty. Getting into a taxi, he asked the cab driver, "Do you know where I can get scrod?" "Sure," said the cabdriver. "I know a few places... but I can tell you it's not often I hear someone ask that question in the third-person pluperfect indicative!"[[note]]There's actually a lot of debate among grammar nerds over what is the actual proper name for using "screwed" in this tense, but if you're telling jokes, most GeniusBonus people will get it's a play on obscure grammar[[/note]]

* When the Ark came to rest on mount Ararat, Noah told all the animals to go forth and multiply. The animals all went on their way except the snakes, who slithered up to Noah and said "But Noah, we can't multiply, we're adders."[[note]][[{{Pun}} "Adder" is both a term for snakes and people who add things up in math]][[/note]]. Noah picked up the snakes and took them into the ark, placing them on the rough-hewn furniture, telling them "Even adders can multiply on a log table"[[note]][[{{Pun}} A table made of logs and a logarithmic table.]][[/note]]

* A businessman arriving in Boston for a convention found that his first evening was free, and he decided to go find a good seafood restaurant that served scrod, a Massachusetts specialty. Getting into a taxi, he asked the cab driver, "Do you know where I can get scrod?" "Sure," said the cabdriver. "I know a few places... but I can tell you it's not often I hear someone ask that question in the third-person pluperfect indicative!"[[note]]There's actually a lot of debate among grammar nerds over what is the actual proper name for

* When the Ark came to rest on mount Ararat, Noah told all the animals to go forth and multiply. The animals all went on their way except the snakes, who slithered up to Noah and said "But Noah, we can't multiply, we're adders."[[note]]"Adder" is both a term for snakes and people who add things up in math[[/note]]. Noah picked up the snakes and took them into the ark, placing them on the rough-hewn furniture, telling them "Even adders can multiply on a log table"[[note]][[{{Pun}} A table made of logs and a logarithmic table.]][[/note]]

Some below joke span several categories.

[[AC:History/Religion GeniusBonus]]

* (You need to know your Bible verses, or the teller has to know them here) A new preacher comes to a small town on a Friday, and decides it would be a good idea to visit each member of his congregation at home to get to know them before Sunday's service. All goes well until he comes to one house. The preacher knocks, and rings the door bell, but even though the lights are on and activity can be seen inside, no one answers the door. Exasperated, but deciding it's best not to bother them, the preacher takes a card out of his pocket and writes "Revelation 3:20"[[note]]''Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and will dine with him, and he with Me.''[[/note]] on it, before slipping it under the door and leaving. Come Sunday, after finishing his sermon at the local church, the preacher finds the card in his collection basket, and sees that the resident of the house has written "Genesis 3:10"[[note]]''I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked.''[[/note]].