History Funny / WhoseLineIsItAnywayUK

--> '''Tony''': I've got a problem, I'd like to report. / When I see Porky Pig, [[RagingStiffie my pants distort.]] / Oh yeah, you know what I mean, / When I see that porker, I spill my seed.

** It's food stuffing, for those who don't know.

* In a game of ''Hats'' with a world's worst commercial or tv advertisements theme. Greg wears a Communist looking hat with a red star and keeps getting interrupted by Clive who has been a little too quick on the buzzer in this game.
-->'''Greg:''' You know, now that Hong Kong has been given back, there's jobs in the communist army for all of us! Come on over... (Clive Buzzes) Do you like a diet of rice and fish heads? (Buzz) Do you like marching through the woods 24 hours a day? (Buzz) Would you like to share one rifle with everyone in your platoon?! (Buzz) Then join... (Buzz) ...today. (Buzz) [[TakeThat The buzzing sound you hear]] is the capitalist, trying to oppress us!!

* In one of the "taped in L.A." episodes from the last season, Phil [=LaMarr=] played Creator/ArnoldSchwarzenegger as a stand-up comic ("Chuckles aplenty."), while Ryan played an impatient driver who gets stuck in traffic, shouting "LET'S GO!" at the top of his lungs and getting miffed at people who don't wave when he lets them into his lane. Anyone who's lived in a big city can relate to his quirk.

** Then you have the performers have fun doing something inappropriate and then 'realising' that the cameras are rolling. This leads to Greg and Tony almost kissing and this gem:
--->'''Chip:''' ''[to Ryan]'' Well, Curved just thinks he's so great 'cause he sits in the studio a... ''[realises that the camera is on, and looks terrified]''

---->'''Ryan:''' ''Why?''\\
'''Colin:''' ''[slaps the podium]'' This was something I felt that would benefit generations that came after me! ''[Clive nods in agreement]'' And that is why as it was happening, I documented it on film, and it now will be shown in many schools!

'''Mike:''' Am I going to give you a tongue lashing? Oh, yes! YES! (plants a ''huge'' kiss on Brad as the StudioAudience erupts in riotous cheering)\\

--> '''Karen''': Do you want to touch my breasts right now?

--->"More women in this prison or we riot!... We want a prettier one!"

--> '''Colin''': Come on baby, come on baby, come on baby, come on baby, come on baby, come on baby... [...] YES! YES! YES! I WON! I WON! ''[to Greg]'' Screw you! ''[to Rory]'' Screw YOU!

-->'''Brad:''' You know, the last time I saw a guy like you, he tried to get out of it (a ticket) by saying, [reads his line] "Grab me, ''[stifles]'' big boy, and kiss me like there's no tomorrow!" [laughter from the audience] [[HoYay "...if I recall, I didn't write that ticket!"]]\\

-->'''Colin:''' I'm Clive Anderson and I used to have no neck. But with new Neck Insert...Look!

-->'''Ryan:''' ''[while miming holding a birthday cake and singing]'' Happy Birthday to Hitler, Happy Birthday to Hitler.
-->'''Colin:''' ''[while miming holding up a book]'' I just finished my book: ''Satanic Verses''.
-->'''George Wendt:''' ''[singing]'' I'm a morning person...

-->'''Ryan:''' ''[looking off to the side]'' [[IsThisThingStillOn God, look at the size of that fire...]]
-->'''Colin:''' ''[while running] IT'S A TIDAL WAVE!!''
-->'''Greg:''' ''[crouching down]'' These are the rarest beetles in the world--oh!...these ''were'' the rarest beetles in the world.
-->'''Colin:''' ''[as he gradually sinks lower]'' [[QuicksandSucks Quicksand: is it really a danger..?]]

* One unfortunate positioning by an unsuspecting female audience member during one game:
-->'''Ryan:''' You want me to take a shower? ''[woman is unsure on how to position Ryan]'' A '''shower'''? ''[she outstretches his hand and arm]'' [[BlackComedy Nazis don't take showers!]]

* During the "Donkey Riding" Hoedown, Colin completely subverts it by only half of the verse; the expected second half never comes, even though Ryan and Tony both leave him enough time, and Colin just keeps glibly bouncing away to the beat of the piano with a huge grin on his face.

* One time the topic was 'things to day when meeting the in-laws.' Ryan made a funny joke, then made it into a RunningGag, and then Mike [=McShane=] managed to completely upstage Ryan.

* In one playing, Colin hated everything English. It's hilarious.

-->'''Greg:''' ''[walks out]]' [[spoiler:His neck is tucked in as if he's about to impersonate Clive.]]\\

** When Greg and Clive had an argument, you knew that you were very lucky and had to [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hOkYG7kbe9g#t=30s treasure]] [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3OsLTtHybnI#t=11s it]] for the rest of your life.

-->'''Brad:''' You know, the last time I saw a guy like you, he tried to get out of it (a ticket) by saying, [reads his line] "Grab me, ''[stifles]'' big boy, and kiss me like there's no tomorrow!"\\

* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hH2gaCZmEtA&t=1m48s One]] of the few sessions of ''Expert'', where one player interviews an expert on an obscure subject. Greg and Ryan are in it, and the subject given by the audience is taxidermy - after which Ryan [[BlackComedy spends the entire game completely rigid and staring into space.]] [[CrowningMomentOfAwesome He doesn't even BLINK.]]

-->'''Greg:''' You know, now that Hong Kong has been given back, there's jobs in the communist army for all of us! Come on over... (Clive Buzzes) Do you like a diet of rice and fish heads? (Buzz) Do you like marching through the woods 24 hours a day? (Buzz) Would you like to share one rifle with everyone in your platoon?! (Buzz) Then join... (Buzz) ...today. (Buzz) [[TakeThat The buzzing sound you hear]] [[CrowningMomentOfFunny is the capitalist, trying to oppress us]]!!

'''Colin:''' ''[while miming holding up a book]'' I just finished my book: ''Satanic Verses''.
'''George Wendt:''' ''[singing]'' I'm a morning person...

'''Paul Merton:''' '' ''[Hello!'' magazine]'' Barbara Cartland, [[BlatantLies can there be a more respected woman in Great Britain?]] ''[buzz]''\\

[[folder:Hats]]
* In a game of ''Hats'' with a world's worst dating agency videos theme, Ryan repeatedly wears the same one, a jockey's cap where he gives a Murray Walker-style commentary ("It's Breast ahead of Penis, Penis coming up there quickly on the inside!"). That's not the CMOF; the CMOF is when he interrupts this by sitting down with a giant unsteady hat piled with plastic fruit:
-->'''Ryan:''' ''[after a long pause]'' ...I really have nothing to say... I just like wearing this.
* '''Colin:''' ''[while wearing a winged hat]'' It's new, with wings!
[[/folder]]

-->'''Clive:''' (looks at camera) I am sad to announce the untimely death of Paul Merton (laughter) at my hands.\\

* When Greg and Clive had an argument, you knew that you were very lucky and had to [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hOkYG7kbe9g#t=30s treasure]] [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3OsLTtHybnI#t=11s it]] for the rest of your life.
-->'''Clive''': You'll have to act as...hamsters. Yes, hamst-\\
'''Greg''': What's wrong with you?! Hamsters! Get some friends!\\
'''Clive''': The hamsters ''are'' my friends.

-->'''Clive''': (after getting the suggestion of "perishing elastics") Elastic is a substance we have over here that stretches. It perishes and things fall down and things go wrong.\\

'''Greg:''' Yes, and sometimes we ''beat'' the Germans. ''(audience cheers/boos)'' It's 'cause we never play them!\\
'''Clive:''' Well, in the war, when you join in... ''(audience cheers wildly)'' I don't think the Germans play baseball, do they?\\

'''Greg:''' Maybe you're confusing this with your other show where you just talk, talk, talk and never let anyone else.[[labelnote:Explanation]]At the time, Clive was also hosting a chat show, ''Clive Anderson Talks Back.''[[/labelnote]] ''(audience cheers wildly again)''

--->'''Clive''': You are in a uh...holdup. That's the only word I know. You have those in America, don't you?\\
'''Greg''': Yeah. We invented it!
* Perhaps the best Clive/Greg exchange:
--> '''Clive''': What superhero should Greg be? (audience member shouts "Useless Man") "Useless Man"? (another audience member shouts "Caterpillar Man") "Caterpillar Man", that kind of, gives him more to play with. Useless is... kind of what he is. I didn't mean that. Caterpillar Man is very good. What is the problem? (audience member shouts "Pants are too small!") Pants are too small? We've done that haven't we?\\
'''Greg''': If we did, I'm sure it was [[SarcasmMode fraught with hilarity!]]\\
'''Clive''': Well, with that challenge, let's go ahead... pants are too small...\\
'''Greg''': Who am I?\\
'''Clive''': You're Captain Caterpillar.\\
'''Greg''': Captain Caterpillar?\\
'''Clive''': You can bring elements of Useless Man, if you want.\\
'''Greg''': I'll be Captain Caterpillar, and you just sit there and be Useless Man like usual.\\
'''Clive''': Oh, you're winning tonight, as I can see. So, you might metamorphosise into something-\\
'''Greg''': Is it about time to make some kind of inappropriate American reference here?\\
'''Clive''': Not yet, you do the show. Yank.\\
'''Greg''': I can take a hit, if you-\\
'''Clive''': GET ON WITH IT, GREG!!!

--> '''Clive:''' Suggest a gameshow, like ''Series/WheelOfFortune''.\\

---> '''Clive:''' I just have to explain to the British audience what "[=ATMs=]" are. We call them 'hole-in-the-wall machines' in England. ''(TruthInTelevision)''

-->'''Clive''': There's a jam shortage! Okay, so--\\
'''Greg''': WHO ARE YOU LISTENING TO?!\\
'''Mike''': Who are you receiving your suggestions from, British Telecom?!\\
'''Greg''': There's GOLD coming from over here!

--> '''Clive''': Right. Is that an order you're placing, or are you...? You've seen a few of those, haven't you? I can tell by the way you're squinting.

-->'''Steve Steen''' (''as Andrew Morton''): I tell you, I was so depressed I threw myself and tried to impale myself on Barbara Cartland's eyelashes... (''buzz'')\\
'''Paul Merton''' (''Hello!'' magazine): Barbara Cartland, [[BlatantLies can there be a more respected woman in Great Britain?]] (''buzz'')\\
'''Tony''' (''clearly thinking hard''): Barbara Cartland, witch and hag, too much makeup, fascist bag.

---->'''Clive''': (To the audience)What do you think Greg could be celebrating?
---->'''Random woman in audience''': Losing his virginity!
---->'''Clive''': Losing his virginity? You look like such a sweet girl to come up with a suggestion like that.

---->'''Clive''': So, it's set in Spain, and you're celebrating, for some reason, the losing of your virginity. You must have a long enough memory for that, I would have thought, Greg.

---> '''Niall''': (In a bad Spanish accent)Welcome to the bar, would you like some tortilla? Oh, no, that's Mexico, who cares?

--> '''Steve''': [[NeverMyFault What a stupid place to put a bloody map!]]

* Whenever Paul and Tony are together in Film and Theatre Styles, you know you're going to experience a trainwreck of insanity. For example:

--->'''Tony''': The problem is that the builder has been murdered, Off-stage! (''laughter'')\\
'''Paul''': Not Stavrost, surely!\\
'''Tony''': No, Escalus, with a knife, dripping in the Mediterranean sun, he plastered his bricks and died.\\
'''Paul''': [[NotEvenBotheringWithTheAccent That's rather unlucky in Peckham isn't it?]]

--->'''Tony:''' (''mimes pouring a pint from a tap as a bartender''): Oh, I'll just put the cat down. (''puts the "cat" down, while Paul just stares at him'') What shall-?\\
'''Paul''' (''to Jim and Steve''): I can't work with this!\\
'''Tony''': What can I do you for? Ice in a slicer?\\
'''Paul''': Hang on, I'll just put down this cactus. (''does so'') Oh look, I better take this bazooka out of me pocket, (''does so'') and I'll get out of the helicopter. (''does so'')

--->'''Paul''' (''speaking in a weird accent''): I would like to acquire some of this ale that I see displayed before me in various bottles of various hues.\\
'''Tony''' (''incredulously''): That's Bela Lugosi! (''laughter'') So, have you-\\
'''Paul''': I not know of this Hammy-era Horror actor of which you speak!\\
'''Tony''': My liege, you're fucked!

--->'''Clive''' (''buzzes''): Horror.\\
'''Tony''': What a horrible suit! (''laughter and applause, Paul looks annoyed'')\\
'''Paul''': That's-that's good coming from somebody who's dressed up as Doc Holliday!

--->'''Tony: (mimes smoking)''' Yes, it's interesting the way the-\\
'''Paul:''' Hang on, where'd the cigarette come from?! (Tony laughs) What's all this?! (Mimes Tony's "smoking" gestures) Excuse me while I just get on me moped! (Pretends to ride one, causing Tony to crack up. Does the smoking gesture again. Turns to Jim and Steve) You see that, what's all that?

--> '''Clive:''' Now do it InTheStyleOf a [[GuiltyPleasures blue movie]]... maybe you've seen a few (sotto) maybe even ''been'' in a few...\\

-->'''Clive''': Shakespeare.\\
''({{Beat}})''\\
'''Ryan''': The sky. The sky behind the door is ''blooooo''.\\
'''Colin''': Aye, it 'tis blue! ''[silence]''\\
''(Buzz)''\\
'''Clive''': That's the worst Shakespeare I've ever heard! ''(cracks up)'' Here, I'll give you something a little [[BlatantLies easier]] for you – Japanese Noh Theater.\\
'''Ryan''': ''(groans under his breath)''

--> "We'll keep going till we get to [[OohMeAccentsSlipping an accent Ryan can do]]."

--> '''Clive:''' What, are they going to ''shoot'' the other one?

---> '''Colin:''' I remember the sewers... ''(DramaticPause)'' Nineteen-forty-five! ''(DramaticPause)'' ...That's all I remember!

-->'''Ryan:''' Boy would I like to take you to bed and make love to you hour after hour, you laying on top of me, thrusting yourself upon me like some man. [[OverlyLongGag Making me want you more and more, the sweat dribbling across my milky white countenance. Take me now, love me as no man has ever loved me before!]]
-->'''Tony:''' "...okay."
-->'''Steve:''' Pardon?

--> '''Ryan''': Are you hearing the songs? Why aren't you phoning in? I should come out there and just kick your...\\
'''Colin''': Hey hey hey! Calm down!

* ''"[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1tWulmoCRho I'm feeling terribly lazy today; would you pick my nose for me?]]"''
* ''"Brie & wine together! [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w_89JZJou1U What could be better]]??"''

-->'''Josie''': Oh, and if you've got a baby on the plane, we always like to put... a cake on its head.

-->"You want me to take a shower? ''(Woman is unsure on how to position Ryan)'' A '''shower'''? ''(She outstretches his hand and arm)'' [[BlackComedy Nazis don't take showers!"]]

-->'''Ryan''': ''(After a long pause)'' ...I really have nothing to say...I just like wearing this.
* Colin (While wearing a winged hat), "It's new, with wings!"

--> '''Greg:''' Oh, I'm a randy bugger, I really get around!/I like to have a shag with everyone in town./I have lots of fun, I'm as happy as can be!/ and that's 'cos my name is Tony Slattery!

--> '''Greg''': I love to sing like Colin, I really really do.\\

Because I... arrghh! ''(does Colin's dinosaur impression)''

--> '''Steve''': My brother got married, his name is Grommit, / And when he walked down the aisle, I began to vomit. / The vicar cleared it up, and put it under the cake, / And at the wedding reception, we all sat and ate cake... flake... da... brake...\\
'''Greg''': ''(speaking)'' Is that it, then?\\
'''Steve''': ''(speaking)'' That's it.

-->'''Greg''': When I came to England, I met me a man, / He was shiny and bald, his name was Clive Anderson. / There was some confusion, I said 'where's the freeway?'/ He said 'No you silly twat, it's called a mo-tor-way.'
-->'''Tony''': I love the sound of motorways when things go splat. / I look out my car window and I've run over a cat. / But the thing I really hate, the worst thing in my life, / Is the stupid bastard who designed the M25.

--> '''Tony''': I hate examinations, it fills me with such fear,\\

* An earlier playing of Improbable Mission (then simply called Mission Impossible) from the UK version: [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kzab5JTkl_k The way Ryan reacts to Colins out-of-the-blue statement "My God, she's gonna go off!" is absolutely priceless]].

-->'''Colin''': Everyone drinks tea in [Creator/JaneAusten detective novels]! What is it with [[SpotOfTea tea]]? What is it with tea?! I've passed stronger urine samples than that! Now coffee--now THERE's a drink! Coffee! I need one right now!

* In one playing, Colin's quirk is that he fancies the other two contestants, which he further interprets as completely ignoring Josie while he stares laviciously at them (and even absent-mindedly threatening to push her out of a window). When it comes time to guess:
-->'''Josie:''' Colin...Colin reminds me of a bloke I used to go out with, actually!

-->'''Mike''': It didn’t happen at all! I went out in the back to take a piss, I came back out- (realizes what he just said, cracks up) I don’t believe I just said that! I was out drinking with the sheep.\\
[''later'']\\
'''Ryan''': Would you come home wagging your tail if a 300 pound woman was pissin' on ya?
** Greg makes the initial throw to Josie by saying ''"[[ThatCameOutWrong Someone's coming in my ear...]]"''

--->'''Chip''': (to Ryan) Well, Curved just thinks he's so great 'cause he sits in the studio a... (realises that the camera is on, and looks terrified).

-->'''Colin:''' (counting money) One two three four five...one two three four five...
* After a particularly [[SoBadItsGood bad]] playing, an amused Clive reminded everyone (but particularly Steven Frost): "I think the idea is to make sentences with three words, not just go three words and ''stop''."

** "I think Steve wins that for coming up with the [[IncrediblyLamePun funniest crack of the night.]]"

-->'''Paul''': You've come as Tony Slattery!

-->'''Paul''': Excuse me, there's somebody at the microwave.

-->'''Greg''': Was it a natural childbirth, or was it in a manner of his own choosing?\\
'''Colin''': It was very painful...and it was in the style of a hoedown.

---> '''Ryan:''' ''Why?''\\
'''Colin''' ''(slaps the podium)'': This was something I felt that would benefit generations that came after me! (Clive nods in agreement) And that is why as it was happening, I documented it on film, and it now will be shown in many schools!

-->'''Josie''': "Are you going to the Parthenon tonight?"\\
'''Stephen''' (''after floundering and being buzzed out''): "Could you tell her the Parthenon's in Athens?"\\
'''Josie''' (''to Ryan, replacing Stephen''): "Is the Parthenon in Athens?"\\
'''Ryan''': "Would you like to buy a map?"

-->'''Brad''': [[OhCrap Are you going to kiss me]]?\\
'''Mike''': Am I going to give you a tongue lashing? Oh, yes! YES! (plants a ''huge'' kiss on Brad as the StudioAudience erupts in riotous cheering)\\
'''Brad''': O_O\\
''('''buzz''')''\\
'''Clive''': I'm buzzing you out Brad, to spare you any further embarrassment. ''[Exit Brad]''\\
''(Ryan Stiles come in, but only takes one step onto the stage.)''\\
'''Mike''': ''(grinning)'' Are you next?\\
'''Ryan''': ...\\
''({{Beat}})''\\
''[[[ScrewThisImOuttaHere Exit Ryan]]]''

--> '''Ryan''': (rapping) Well, I'm a nudist, I walk around the zoo, I find that's what the other animals ''want'' me to do! Walkin' round like this, it takes some guts, I'm going to go to the monkeys and give 'em some nuts.

--> '''Colin''': (rapping) I'm the security guard right here, What's this guy, is he... weird? Standing there, showing all his parts, 'cmon there, buddy, whoo, what a fart. I tell you this is really bad, the state of the zoo is really sad, we can't have naked people running 'round like this, 'scuse me, please, I gotta take a piss.

-->'''Paul''' (''to Josie Lawrence''): No luck then?\\
'''Josie''': (''grabs Paul while laughing'') I'm going to fucking kill you.

--> '''Greg:''' (reading out loud from imaginary paper) "You're a cheap bastard and you won't leave a tip". '''HEY!'''

-->'''Greg:''' *walks out* [[spoiler:His neck is tucked in as if he's about to impersonate Clive.]]\\
'''Clive:''' *buzz*\\
'''Greg:''' *DeathGlare*

--> '''Brad:''' You know, the last time I saw a guy like you, he tried to get out of it (a ticket) by saying, [reads his line] "Grab me, [stifles] big boy, and kiss me like there's no tomorrow!"\\
'''Clive:''' (after the sketch ends) Those lines fit in almost ''too'' well.

-->'''Ryan:''' Everything's you, you, you; what about ''me''?!?
-->'''Colin:''' ''(bobbing his head, then takes off his headphones)'' Pardon?
-->'''Ryan:''' No, I ''am'' listening; how do you like your burger?

-->'''Tony:''' Ladies and gentlemen, [[UsefulNotes/RichardNixon Richard Nix-]] oh dear. ''[audience oohs due to it being TooSoon at the time]''
-->'''Clive:''' Topical now, it'll be great in six months time when this goes out...
-->'''Tony:''' He'll still be ''dead!!''

-->'''Colin:''' Many people think it's in bad taste to advertise for an insane asylum, BUT COME ON DOWN!!! '''WE'RE GOING CRAZYYYYYY!!!!!'''
-->'''Ryan:''' Johnson's Sperm Bank. [[DoubleEntendre You're in good hands!]]
-->'''Steve:''' Unsightly stains? [[ToiletHumor Well use the toilet paper properly.]]

-->" There was a bombing today.... *snickers*"
* One time the topic was 'things to day when meeting the in-laws.' Ryan made a funny joke, then made it into a RunningGag, and then Mike Mc Shane managed to completely upstage Ryan.
-->'''Ryan:''' I'd just like to say, Mr. Macdonald, Mrs. Macdon... hel''lo.''
-->'''Ryan:''' I wanna say, Mrs. Macdonald, Mr. Macdon... hel''lo!''
-->'''Mike:''' Mr. Macdonald, Mrs. Macdonald, I'm so sorry to be at your grandmother's funeral.... HEL''LO!''

--> '''Mike''': It's the O.J. Simpson trial, year 2526!
--> '''Ryan''': (in a possessed voice) No, I won't turn the channel, Satan.
--> '''Mike''': It's the O.J. Simpson trial-- Hey, and he's being defended by Clive Anderson!

--> '''Tony''': Ooh, it's that show where Clive patronizes lots of different people around the world.
--> '''Clive''': Don't bring Clive James into this.
--> '''Tony''': No, I meant Clive Anderson.

--> '''Greg''': I know what you like, pumpkin, I'm wearing the Clive Anderson mask!
--> '''Ryan''': ''(mimes hitting his watch)'' And... three minutes fifty-two seconds.

--> '''Colin''': The most dangerous part is waiting for the elephant to cough.
--> '''Greg''': Tonight on ''The World Of Man'', we examine human procreation with my wife and I. Get ready, everybody!
--> '''Colin''': What if hamsters fought in the American Revolution?
--> '''Ryan''': Turtles are usually a slow animal, but... ''(mimes rubbing one on his sleeve)''

-->'''Ryan''': ''(while miming holding a birthday cake and singing)'' Happy Birthday to Hitler, Happy Birthday to Hitler.
-->'''Colin''': ''(while miming holding up a book)'' I just finished my book: ''Satanic Verses''.
-->'''George Wendt''': ''(singing)'' I'm a morning person...

'''Greg:''' Maybe you're confusing this with your other show where you just talk, talk, talk and never let anyone else. ''(audience cheers wildly again)''