Funny / Whose Line Is It Anyway? (UK)

Whose Line Is It Anyway? funny moments
United Kingdom | United States (Original | Revival)

"That's quite a blackhead!"

There have been so many funny moments in Whose Line Is It Anyway? that we had to separate the pages. Here's the page for the original series in the United Kingdom, hosted by Clive Anderson.

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In General

• There was somewhat of a Running Gag featuring Tony in the early series. During a game of Props, his partner introduced himself/herself as someone (usually That's Life! presenter Esther Rantzen or newsreader and Desert Island Discs presenter Sue Lawley), followed by Tony pretending to throw up into the prop.
  • One of his earlier examples of this Running Gag during Props, he shrieks and actually pretends to club himself upside the head with the prop when Josie announced she was Anne Diamond.
• After Paul calls Clive a "Slaphead":
  Clive: [looks at camera] I am sad to announce the untimely death of Paul Merton [laughter] at my hands.
  Paul: I lasted longer than your hair did, though, didn't I!
• Greg vs Clive.
  • When Greg and Clive had an argument, you knew that you were very lucky and had to treasure it for the rest of your life.
    Clive: You'll have to act as... hamsters. Yes, hamst-
    Greg: What's wrong with you?! Hamsters! Get some friends!
    Clive: The hamsters are my friends.
  • Or:
    Clive: [after getting the suggestion of "perishing elastics"] Elastic is a substance we have over here that stretches. It perishes and things fall down and things go wrong.
    Greg: When's it gonna stop, huh? The aggression?
    Clive: When you give us our colonies back.
    Greg: Your colonies. Clive's colonies.
  • Most of the Clive/Greg arguments involve Clive making a snide remark about America being supposedly too backward to have something:
    Clive: In this scene you're a sports commentator - you have sport in America, don't you?
    Greg: Yes, and sometimes we beat the Germans. [audience cheers/boos] It's 'cause we never play them!
    Clive: Well, in the war, when you join in... [audience cheers wildly] I don't think the Germans play baseball, do they?
    Greg: I'd love to chat, but I'm a little busy doing an improv show.
    Clive: Have you worked out what the simple words mean yet?
    Greg: Yes I have, Mr. A.
    Clive: Jolly good.
    Greg: Maybe you're confusing this with your other show where you just talk, talk, talk and never let anyone else.^Explanation At the time, Clive was also hosting a chat show, Clive Anderson Talks Back. [audience cheers wildly again]
  • Sometimes this backfires.
    Clive: You are in a uh... holdup. That's the only word I know. You have those in America, don't you?
    Greg: Yeah. We invented it!
  • Perhaps the best Clive/Greg exchange:
    Clive: What superhero should Greg be? [audience member shouts "Useless Man"] "Useless Man"? [another audience member shouts "Caterpillar Man"] "Caterpillar Man", that kind of, gives him more to play with. Useless is... kind of what he is. I didn't mean that. Caterpillar Man is very good. What is the problem? [audience member shouts "Pants are too small!"] Pants are too small? We've done that haven't we?
    Greg: If we did, I'm sure it was fraught with hilarity!
    Clive: Well, with that challenge, let's go ahead... pants are too small...
    Greg: Who am I?
    Clive: You're Captain Caterpillar.
    Greg: Captain Caterpillar?
    Clive: You can bring elements of Useless Man, if you want.
    Greg: I'll be Captain Caterpillar, and you just sit there and be Useless Man like usual.
    Clive: Oh, you're winning tonight, as I can see. So, you might metamorphosise into something-
    Greg: Is it about time to make some kind of inappropriate American reference here?
    Clive: Not yet, you do the show. Yank.
    Greg: I can take a hit, if you-
    Clive: GET ON WITH IT, GREG!!!
• Clive inverts this gag for the American audience for the last British series, which was filmed in Hollywood.
  • One example
    Clive: Suggest a gameshow, like Wheel of Fortune.
    Rather unoriginal audience member: Wheel of Fish.
    Clive: I think we have that in England.
  • And again:
    Clive: I just have to explain to the British audience what "ATMs" are. We call them "hole-in-the-wall machines" in England. [Truth in Television]
• Mike kissing Tony in a blooper from Season 3, rendering him completely speechless.
• Also the time Clive needs suggestions from the audience for a global disaster; among other things, the microphones pick up "an asteroid's about to crash into the earth" and "Richard Nixon comes back from the dead." The decision is obvious:
  Clive: There's a jam shortage! Okay, so—
  Greg: WHO ARE YOU LISTENING TO?!
  Mike: Who are you receiving your suggestions from? British Telecom?!
  Greg: There's GOLD coming from over here!
  • It continues to be funny when Clive accuses Greg of planting a friend in the audience to yell out crazy suggestions.
• Whenever Clive comments on audience members' suggestions for styles, such as this one where an audience member shouts "Sex ed film!"
  Clive: Right. Is that an order you're placing, or are you...? You've seen a few of those, haven't you? I can tell by the way you're squinting.
  • Or when Clive is getting a worldwide problem for the "Superheroes" game, and an audience member shouts "Painful nipple erections!"
  Clive: (amused) Painful nipple erections may be your problem, but they're scarcely... a worldwide problem. I'll see you afterwards. I can see you from here. I wondered what was nudging me in the back while I was...
• In one episode, Clive picked out a woman from the audience to help with "Moving People". The lady admitted she'd never seen the show before, and Clive asked, "What'd you come along for then? What were you expecting? Something a bit funnier than this?"

Animals

• This series 10 playing, featuring Brad as a bull, and Ryan as a cow giving birth to "something unexpected" ...and that something is played by Colin, whose subsequent birth is prolonged, grotesque and hysterical. Animals is always very, very silly whenever it's played, but this one takes the cake.

Authors

• The game of Authors (titled "Death of a Stand-up Comic") where Tony's style was Rupert Bear. He had the last turn of the round...
  Steve Steen: [as Andrew Morton] I tell you, I was so depressed I threw myself and tried to impale myself on Barbara Cartland's eyelashes... [buzz]
  Paul Merton: [Hello! magazine] Barbara Cartland, can there be a more respected woman in Great Britain? [buzz]
  Tony: [clearly thinking hard] Barbara Cartland, witch and hag, too much makeup, fascist bag.
  • The best is the blank look on his face while he's saying it, followed by the grin as soon as the buzzer goes.
• Just about any style that Tony does, really. He rarely failed to derail this game.
  Tony: [as Alex Comfort's The Joy of Sex] If you do shift a big amount of ballast make sure it's away from your partner's face. [buzz]
  

Bartender

• This early game. One of Mike McShane's greatest Whose Line performances.
• Mike tending bar for Ryan, who has been invited to the Queen's garden party.
  • From the same game, Colin's been jilted, and he's not happy:
    Colin: What can I do? / I'm so annoyed-o-oyed-o-oyed!
• "Don't mess with the Neon Love Chicken!"
  • In the same playing, Tony's in love with an inflatable pig, especially these lyrics:
    Tony: I've got a problem, I'd like to report. / When I see Porky Pig, my pants distort. / Oh yeah, you know what I mean, / When I see that porker, I spill my seed.
• This game featuring Niall Ashdown. What starts out as a song about Greg losing his virginity takes a very interesting turn.
  • Also, it features some great comments from Clive at the beginning.
    • Like this:
      Clive: [to the audience] What do you think Greg could be celebrating?
      Random woman in audience: Losing his virginity!
      Clive: Losing his virginity? You look like such a sweet girl to come up with a suggestion like that.
    • And this:
      Clive: So, it's set in Spain, and you're celebrating, for some reason, the losing of your virginity. You must have a long enough memory for that, I would have thought, Greg.
  • Not to mention Niall's hilarious mess up right at the start of the song:
    Niall: [in a bad Spanish accent] Welcome to the bar, would you like some tortilla? Oh, no, that's Mexico, who cares?

Credits Reading

• Ryan and Catherine O'Hara turning each other on by reading all the names.
• Tony is once directed to read the credits in the style of "an Australian soap star". He spends the entire credits drunkenly passed out on the floor; he barely gets up in time to read Dan Patterson's credit, but promptly falls back over instead.

Daytime Talk Show

• In one of the Los Angeles episodes, the subject of one "Daytime Talk Show" was Cinderella. For some reason, Catherine O'Hara gave her character a strange voice (sort of like she was toothless), to the point where Greg had to interrupt her to say that he found her voice hilarious.
• One of the earliest defining moments showcasing Wayne Brady's improv abilities was when he played an audience member who pretended to have mic feedback. Describing it can't do it justice.
• The episode with comedian Patrick Bristow as host. At one point he tells Colin and Ryan to not fight on the stage, but then silently mumbles "Yeah, yeah fight." Ryan and Colin immediately start duking it out, prompting Patrick to shrug to the audience as if saying, "I have no idea why they're fighting!"

Dead Bodies

• Ryan, Greg and guest Rory Bremner all have to pretend to be dead actors, with Colin as the only remaining living one battling on by moving them around and dubbing their voices. Ryan and Rory are cowboys, Greg's an Indian princess. Towards the end Colin has Rory say "Look, I think we all ought to have one big kiss" and there's a great moment where dead Rory 'wakes up' and has a "what the hell is going on" look in his eyes.

Dubbing

• Ryan and Steve Frost voice over two military guys in a room with a giant map on the wall - the first thing they do is complain about how they can't find the map, up until the end.
  Steve: What a stupid place to put a bloody map!

Duet

• A duet between Mike McShane and Josie Lawrence that veered onto the subject of puking in swimming pools and ended like this:
  Josie: Don't worry, honey, relaxo. We won't really be sick, we'll use Paxo.
  Mike: [gamely singing his heart out] That's a good idea, what the hell is Paxo?
• Mike and Josie really had excellent chemistry, not to mention one of the best pair of singing voices, as demonstrated in a love song about a cat litter tray. Yes. Absolutely genius lyrics here, "Whoever thought that feline defecation/Could be such a swell and singular sensation" One of the best Song Styles ever.

Expert

• One of the few sessions of Expert, where one player interviews an expert on an obscure subject. Greg and Ryan are in it, and the subject given by the audience is taxidermy - after which Ryan spends the entire game completely rigid and staring into space. He doesn't even BLINK.
• Tony interviews Ryan on the subject of frogs, and it quickly turns into a battle of wits between the two. And this was Ryan's first episode.

Expert Translation

• Josie's fluid and convincing faux-Albanian is otherwise... marred by Jim's "interpretation".
• Josie's attempt to explain Volvos in Swedish is cruelly translated by Paul into one of the most vile sketches in the show's history. Josie's attempts to get the scene back on track are gleefully thwarted by Paul at every turn.

Film & Theatre Styles

• Whenever Paul and Tony are together in Film and Theatre Styles, you know you're going to experience a train wreck of insanity. For example:
  • First time together, in Greek tragedy style:
    Tony: The problem is that the builder has been murdered, Off-stage! (laughter)
    Paul: Not Stavrost, surely!
    Tony: No, Escalus, with a knife, dripping in the Mediterranean sun, he plastered his bricks and died.
    Paul: That's rather unlucky in Peckham isn't it?
  • From Season 4:
    Tony: [mimes pouring a pint from a tap as a bartender] Oh, I'll just put the cat down. [puts the "cat" down, while Paul just stares at him] What shall-?
    Paul: [to Jim and Steve] I can't work with this!
    Tony: What can I do you for? Ice in a slicer?
    Paul: Hang on, I'll just put down this cactus. [does so] Oh look, I better take this bazooka out of me pocket, [does so] and I'll get out of the helicopter. [does so]
  • Even Clive ended up chuckling a lot at this one. In a scene set in a butcher shop, starring Josie Lawrence and Tony Slattery, the style changes to Disney.
    Josie Oh, look at all the little animals. And they're all dead!
  • In Shakespeare style:
    Paul: [speaking in a weird accent] I would like to acquire some of this ale that I see displayed before me in various bottles of various hues.
    Tony: [incredulously] That's Bela Lugosi! [laughter] So, have you-
    Paul: I not know of this Hammy-era Horror actor of which you speak!
    Tony: My liege, you're fucked!
  • Season 5 (final episode Paul was in):
    Clive: [buzzes] Horror.
    Tony: What a horrible suit! [laughter and applause, Paul looks annoyed]
    Paul: That's-that's good coming from somebody who's dressed up as Doc Holiday!
    • Followed by Clive interrupting because "this is just lapsing into personal abuse," to which Paul replies, "You shut your face!" Also, right at the beginning of that one, Tony does an over-the-top pleading not to be locked up because he's innocent, prompting Paul to say, "I think you're as guilty as hell!"
  • In Film Noir style:
    Tony: [mimes smoking] Yes, it's interesting the way the-
    Paul: Hang on, where'd the cigarette come from?! [Tony laughs] What's all this?! [mimes Tony's "smoking" gestures] Excuse me while I just get on me moped! [pretends to ride one, causing Tony to crack up. Does the smoking gesture again. Turns to Jim and Steve] You see that, what's all that?
  • The best part? Through all of Paul's outrage, Tony keeps holding the cigarette. He doesn't put it down until the next style has already started.
• The early seasons had a lot of in-between banter compared to the usual, but this interruption of a Film TV Theater Styles stood out.
  Clive: Now do it In the Style of a blue movie... maybe you've seen a few (sotto) maybe even been in a few...
  Josie: Shurrup, me mum and dad am in!
• From the British version there's one "Film and Theater styles" with Ryan and Colin in which they have to do the scene in the Shakespearean style. The look on the faces of Tony and Steve in the background while Ryan says his line is also hilarious.
  Clive: Shakespeare.
  [beat]
  Ryan: The sky. The sky behind the door is blooooo.
  Colin: Aye, it 'tis blue! [silence]
  [buzz]
  Clive: That's the worst Shakespeare I've ever heard! [cracks up] Here, I'll give you something a little easier for you – Japanese Noh Theater.
  Ryan: [groans under his breath]
  • Here it is. Enjoy.
  • And for added kicks, the Shakespearean line Ryan says? It's in Iambic Pentameter.
• Josie and Ryan tended to be a fantastic pair in this game, as Josie's among the rare few that can catch Ryan completely off-guard.
  • The better part of this Film And Theatre Styles playing involves Ryan making a total fool of himself for the enjoyment of all involved. Multiple styles involve accents, and Ryan can do practically none of them. Josie just walks all over him in this scene.
    Clive: We'll keep going till we get to an accent Ryan can do.
  • The scene where Josie tells Ryan she's pregnant. She and Ryan have a great back-and-forth, until we get to the style "1950 health video," where Josie takes a sudden left-turn and makes Ryan explain to the audience how babies are made... all while she mimes the process beside him, in extremely graphic detail.
• Griff Rhys-Jones and John Sessions act out a silent movie a la Charlie Chaplin. John hands Griff his shoe. He "eats" it. John hands him his sock. Griff literally eats it.
• Caroline Quentin: one that isn't quite so overshadowed from the shock value, where she and Josie are portraying female Arctic explorers... the first thing they do is complain about the weather and how it's drying their hair and everything.
• One of the styles suggested for a playing by Colin and Ryan is "One Man Show", to which Clive points out the obvious flaw...
  Clive: What, are they going to shoot the other one?
  • Then, of course, he actually gives it to them later on, so Ryan walks off to leave Colin on his own giving an inner monologue...
    Colin: I remember the sewers... [Dramatic Pause] Nineteen-forty-five! [Dramatic Pause] ...That's all I remember!

Film Dub

• This Film Dub between Paul and Julian Clary.
• Meet the Jimmy Savile of ancient China.
  Stephen: Because....... NOWTHENNOWTHENNOWTHEN!!!

Film Trailer

• Film Trailer: The Revenge of the Sheep Shearer. "I split my pants, look!"
• Film Trailer: Jelly Wars. "No one will be seated during the last fifteen confusing scenes!"

Foreign Film Dub

• Anytime the length of the gibberish doesn't even remotely match the length of the translation. Josie once spoke gibberish for about four seconds, only for Ryan to translate with this gem.
  Ryan: Boy would I like to take you to bed and make love to you hour after hour, you laying on top of me, thrusting yourself upon me like some man. Making me want you more and more, the sweat dribbling across my milky white countenance. Take me now, love me as no man has ever loved me before!
  Tony: "...okay."
  Steve: Pardon?
• In one of the L.A. episodes, Catherine O'Hara said gibberish and Ryan translated by saying she'll never have to listen to Colin's awful John Wayne impression anymore: "Round 'em up, pilgrims!"
• One episode had Ryan portraying a drunken man in a film who subsequently falls out the window. Steve's reaction ties the scene together:
  Steve: Will you look at that? He just fell out the window!
• The humor from Jack & the Giant Cucumber can be summarized in a single word: Pepino.
  Clive: I was confused there because Pepino is my wife's nickname for me for some reason.

Greatest Hits

• "Songs of the Plumber", after the second song concluded:
  Ryan: Are you hearing the songs? Why aren't you phoning in? I should come out there and just kick your...
  Colin: Hey hey hey! Calm down!
• "Songs of the Farmyard"- Brad sings the French ballad, "You May Be Just A Horse, But You've Got A Hell Of An Ass". Richard Vranch stops after the song reaches a certain point, but Brad wasn't done, leading him to hold out a prolonged "Oooooohhh!" and chuckle while Richard scrambled to start up again.
• Songs Of Unattractive Men. Just from the intro, you can tell it's gonna be a good one.
  Ryan: Hi, in your 30s and pretty well ready to give up on life?
  Colin: Hey, you ugly?!
  Ryan: Are you a man?
  Colin: Hey, you ugly?!?
  • This playing features one of the greatest song titles Ryan ever conjured up: the heavy metal classic "If I Had A Penis, I Wouldn't Need You." Josie, singing the songs, takes a moment to let the laughter die down after that... while simultaneously wondering what the hell she's going to do with that title.

Hats

• In a game of Hats with a world's worst dating agency videos theme, Ryan repeatedly wears the same one, a jockey's cap where he gives a Murray Walker-style commentary ("It's Breast ahead of Penis, Penis coming up there quickly on the inside!"). That's not the CMOF; the CMOF is when he interrupts this by sitting down with a giant unsteady hat piled with plastic fruit:
  Ryan: [after a long pause] ...I really have nothing to say... I just like wearing this.
  Colin: [while wearing a winged hat] It's new, with wings!
• In a game of Hats with a world's worst commercial or TV advertisements theme. Greg wears a Communist looking hat with a red star and keeps getting interrupted by Clive who has been a little too quick on the buzzer in this game.
  Greg: You know, now that Hong Kong has been given back, there's jobs in the communist army for all of us! Come on over... [Clive buzzes] Do you like a diet of rice and fish heads? [buzz] Do you like marching through the woods 24 hours a day? [buzz] Would you like to share one rifle with everyone in your platoon?! [buzz] Then join... [buzz] ...today. [buzz] The buzzing sound you hear is the capitalist, trying to oppress us!!

Helping Hands

• Probably the first game Ryan had to eat something repulsive. It's a Running Gag that lasts to this day.
• "I'm feeling terribly lazy today; would you pick my nose for me?"
• "Brie & wine together! What could be better??"'
  • "I hear there's this marvelous trick which you do, which is putting a whole brie in your mouth!"
• Paul trying to snort baby powder during Helping Hands with Ryan (and Greg as the hands) scolding him, then smacking him with the baby powder.
• One playing of "Helping Hands" featured Tony Slattery providing the hands for Josie Lawrence as she plays an air hostess. However, he seems to having a little too much fun with his hands (Grabbing Josie's breasts, sticking his fingers in her mouth, making sexual gestures, opening a tupperware box of salad all over the desk) and poor Josie just cracks up while trying and failing to maintain her composure. At one point he picks up a baby doll and smudges its face with a small cake prompting Josie to say:
  Josie: Oh, and if you've got a baby on the plane, we always like to put... a cake on its head.
• Colin and Ryan playing an expectant couple where the wife has gone into labor. That is all.

Hoedown

• Tony's "Hoedown" about excessive drinking, which consisted of just pulling a handkerchief out of his mouth. The only lines he actually sings are "and then I cut it off!" at the very end.
• During the "Sex" Hoedown, Greg opened up with this (with Tony on the end):
  Greg: Oh, I'm a randy bugger, I really get around!
  I like to have a shag with everyone in town.
  I have lots of fun, I'm as happy as can be,
  and that's 'cos my name is Tony Slattery!
• Colin's verse in the Coffee hoedown.
• Greg's verse in the Colin hoedown.
  Greg: I love to sing like Colin, I really really do.
  I really really really really really really do!
  And when I sing like Colin, it makes me have great joy,
  Because I... arrghh! [does Colin's dinosaur impression]
• Colin seemed to develop a Running Gag where he'd get out of finishing his verse in a Hoedown by having some form of heart attack if the subject allowed it, such as eating too much on Christmas or wearing pants so tight it cut off his blood circulation, so much that fans have dubbed it "Pulling a Colin".
• Steve Frost's botched wedding Hoedown:
  Steve: My brother got married, his name is Grommit,
  And when he walked down the aisle, I began to vomit.
  The vicar cleared it up, and put it under the cake,
  And at the wedding reception, we all sat and ate cake... flake... da... brake...
  Greg: [speaking] Is that it, then?
  Steve: [speaking] That's it.
• The Motorways Hoedown has some great verses:
  Greg: When I came to England, I met me a man,
  He was shiny and bald, his name was Clive Anderson.
  There was some confusion, I said "where's the freeway?"
  He said "No you silly twat, it's called a mo-tor-way."
  Tony: I love the sound of motorways when things go splat.
  I look out my car window and I've run over a cat.
  But the thing I really hate, the worst thing in my life,
  Is the stupid bastard who designed the M25.
• Tony's verse in the "Exams" Hoedown:
  Tony: I hate examinations, it fills me with such fear,
  I get the collywobbles, and lots of diarrher.
  So if you are a student, don't care about the pain,
  Get through your exams by taking lots of cocaine!
• During the "Donkey Riding" Hoedown, Colin completely subverts it by only singing half of the verse; the expected second half never comes, even though Ryan and Tony both leave him enough time, and Colin just keeps glibly bouncing away to the beat of the piano with a huge grin on his face.

Let's Make a Date

• Let's Make a Date with Stephen as a "trendy vicar"; not just for the way he slips comfortably into the role and throws in an Eyes Always Shut tic for effect, but for the way he holds it all together with aplomb while beside Colin Mochrie as someone who "hates everything English".
  Colin: Everyone drinks tea in [Jane Austen detective novels]! What is it with tea? What is it with tea?! I've passed stronger urine samples than that! Now coffee—now THERE's a drink! Coffee! I need one right now!
• In one playing, Colin's quirk is that he fancies the other two contestants, which he further interprets as completely ignoring Josie while he stares lasciviously at them (and even absent-mindedly threatening to push her out of a window). When it comes time to guess:
  Josie: Colin... Colin reminds me of a bloke I used to go out with, actually!
• In one of the "taped in L.A." episodes from the last season, Phil LaMarr played Arnold Schwarzenegger as a stand-up comic, while Ryan played an impatient driver who gets stuck in traffic, shouting "LET'S GO!" at the top of his lungs and getting miffed at people who don't wave when he lets them into his lane. Anyone who's lived in a big city can relate to his quirk.

Mission Impossible

• An earlier playing of Improbable Mission (then simply called Mission Impossible) from the UK version: The way Ryan reacts to Colin's out-of-the-blue statement "My God, she's gonna go off!" is absolutely priceless.
  • What really tears it is someone in the audience making jungle animal noises when Ryan starts using the "machete".

Moving People

• One unfortunate positioning by an unsuspecting female audience member during one game:
  Ryan: You want me to take a shower? [woman is unsure on how to position Ryan] A shower? [she outstretches his hand and arm] Nazis don't take showers!

News Report

• During a game of News Report (the precursor to Weird Newscasters and Newsflash), Mike plays the role of Little Bo Peep (in his normal voice), then as Mary Mary, Quite Contrary (with a more feminine voice). As Little Bo, he makes this comment when Josie, as the reporter on the scene, asks what happened with her sheep going missing:
  Mike: It didn’t happen at all! I went out in the back to take a piss, I came back out- [realizes what he just said, cracks up] I don’t believe I just said that! I was out drinking with the sheep.
  [later]
  Ryan: Would you come home wagging your tail if a 300 pound woman was pissin' on ya?
  • Greg makes the initial throw to Josie
    Greg: Someone's coming in my ear...
• The game where Mike had to play both the Tortoise and the Hare. He plays the Hare as hyper and quick-witted, while he plays the Tortoise... well, just look.
• This game about Noah's ark is hilarious.
  • First of all, Greg's name (Curved Slightly) and Chip's name (Snack Wankly).
  • Then you have the performers have fun doing something inappropriate and then 'realizing' that the cameras are rolling. This leads to Greg and Tony almost kissing and this gem:
    Chip: [to Ryan] Well, Curved just thinks he's so great 'cause he sits in the studio a... [realizes that the camera is on, and looks terrified]

Newsflash

• This early Newsflash game should put an end to the 'stuffy British humor' arguments...
  • Not to mention, the Newsflash from the first episode of season 9 - featuring fully nude women. Lots of them. Running and bouncing. (Poor Greg seems to have a bit of a problem in his pants during this game!)

Number of Words

• In a playing of Number of Words, Colin has to say five words each time and Ryan can only say one. They play off each other brilliantly to get around this problem.
  Colin: I'll go, you create a...
  Ryan: Diversion?
• Another playing with Colin limited to five words set the scene at a bank.
  Colin: [counting money] One two three four five... one two three four five...
• After a particularly bad playing, an amused Clive reminded everyone (but particularly Steven Frost):
  Clive: I think the idea is to make sentences with three words, not just go three words and stop.

Old Job, New Job

• This game is probably best remembered as a showcase for Steve Frost and his character work, always delivered with Steve's certain gusto.
  • Steve is a restaurant cook who used to be a builder. So he stumbles in with his buttcrack hanging out.
    Clive: I think Steve wins that for coming up with the funniest crack of the night.
  • Steve brought it back for the Suzy Eddie Izzard episode, this time as a dentist who used to be a builder. And on top of that, he catcalls Ryan!
  • Steve as the bellhop who used to work in airport security is also a favorite, with Steve literally smirking as he prepares to give Ryan a cavity search. (And that's not even factoring in the brilliant ending.)

Party Quirks

• The British version has some really great ones, including some classic Party Quirks. One being where Tony Slattery was unable to guess two of the quirks and, after Clive Anderson noted that this was his worst playing of the game, Tony responded by screaming "Oh, well, FUCK OFF!", causing Clive to take away all the points Tony had ever got since then. The other being the Party Quirk where Ryan was a toddler learning to walk and Josie Lawrence was a penis, the actions the two did caused Tony to crack up hysterically.
  • Tony realizing that Ryan's Party Quirk was being a sperm cell. "OH MY GOD NOOOO!"
• Tony Slattery. Party Quirks. Chippendale.
  Paul: You've come as Tony Slattery!
• The first ever Party Quirks game, when Clive accidentally hit the buzzer instead of the doorbell.
  Paul: Excuse me, there's somebody at the microwave.
• The Party Quirks from episode 7x06, where Tony had trouble guessing even after receiving very obvious hints. After the game, Clive quickly said after that performance, they'd never have Tony on the show again. Which, outside of the compilation episodes at the end of the season, turned out to be true.
• One episode had Greg hosting a party where three different scenarios were being played out, yet the usually adept Greg didn't guess even one of the quirks. The scene even ended with him hilariously crouching into a Troubled Fetal Position on the stage.

Press Conference

• One of the Hollywood episodes features a game of Press Conference in which Colin has given birth to Clive's love child. It's just as hilarious as it sounds, all the way from Greg laughing at the card before anyone else knows what it is, to Colin finally figuring it out...
  Greg: Was it a natural childbirth, or was it in a manner of his own choosing?
  Colin: It was very painful... and it was in the style of a hoedown.
  • An even funnier bit (only the second question):
    Ryan: Why?
    Colin: [slaps the podium] This was something I felt that would benefit generations that came after me! [Clive nods in agreement] And that is why as it was happening, I documented it on film, and it now will be shown in many schools!

Props

• Sandi and Josie in one game have a fake shark fin as a prop.
  • Josie holds it up like a torch and says "Which way's olympus?"
  • Sandi puts it on her head like a witch's hat and says "Double bubble toil and trouble! I've just made you the ugliest woman in the world!" prompting Josie to say "Bar one".
  • Sandi takes advantage of her size and makes a peg leg out of it.
  • Mike and Denalda have a tombstone, and during one, Mike says: "EBENEEZER SCROOGE! LOOK UPON THIS TOMBSTONE! What name does it say?" and Denalda says "...Yours!"
  • Mike gets back at Denalda when she holds the tombstone up and says "Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?" and Mike just says "It ain't you babe!"
• Josie at one point has a giant "8" as a prop and says "Rip this up into pieces of eight for me."
  • Same game: Mike and Sandi have been given this gross-looking blue blob thing. They get some great, albeit nauseating, ideas out of it, culminating in Mike finally just slamming it in Sandi's hand and saying:
    Mike: Here. If you loved me you'd swallow it. [audience laughs and groans, even cracking up Josie and Arthur Smith]
    Sandi: [a moment later] I love you, I swallowed it... [slaps it in Mike's hand] ...this is the end product.
• The Christmas special episode of Props in which one team breaks their prop and it continues to deteriorate as the game goes on.
• An already-good game turns into one for the ages with Steve and Colin trading two ice cold barbs at the end.
• This little bit:

  Ryan: Today, we say goodbye to Orson Welles
  Tony: cracks up

Questions Only

• The entirety of Stephen Fry's last episode, especially the Questions Only game "Scenes from Ancient Rome".
  Josie: Are you going to the Parthenon tonight?
  Stephen: [after floundering and being buzzed out] Could you tell her the Parthenon's in Athens?
  Josie: [to Ryan, replacing Stephen] Is the Parthenon in Athens?
  Ryan: Would you like to buy a map?
  • Hilarious in Hindsight when you consider QI. "They say of the Acropolis where the Parthenon is..."
• Mike also kissed Brad Sherwood in a game of "Questions Only" that he essentially ran the table (Colin, on the same side of the stage as him, didn't get one line).
  Brad Are you going to kiss me?
  Mike: Am I going to give you a tongue lashing? Oh, yes! YES! [plants a huge kiss on Brad as the Studio Audience erupts in riotous cheering]
  Brad: O_O
  [buzz]
  Clive: I'm buzzing you out Brad, to spare you any further embarrassment. [exit Brad]
  [Ryan Stiles come in, but only takes one step onto the stage]
  Mike: [grinning] Are you next?
  Ryan: ...
  [beat]
  [exit Ryan]
• Karen Maruyama, in one playing:
  Karen: Do you want to touch my breasts right now?

Quiz Show

• In episode 10.03, Clive got suggestions from the audience as usual on what the game show should be called. One audience member said "Put it Here". Clive was thoroughly confused.
• Some of the names used by the panelists are a hoot. In "Guess That Farm Animal", Brad names himself "Red Barn" whereas Ryan, after being calling sir, corrects him with a stern "Ma'am". Another episode had Ryan's name as "Rand McNally", and another had Colin actually call himself "Name Withheld".

Rap

• The Banking rap from series 2 is going okay for the first two, and then we get to Tony, who delivers this bit of smut and brings the house down.
  Tony: Banking is a subject close to my heart
  Me and my current account are never far apart
  You go to the manager, on closer inspection,
  He’s really dishy... [cracks] he gives me an erection???
  • The entire room, including a Facepalming Clive, needs a moment to recover, including Tony, who looks embarrassed at what he's done. Meanwhile, Mike, already used to Tony by now, just tells the audience "The man has the morals of a German shepherd!" Only to then immediately give us this:
    Mike: SPERM BANK!!! It's what I run!
    I have to admit that it's a lot of fun!
    The customers come in real glad
    And when they leave, you know they're sad!
    I like to deposit! But most of all,
    Is when the shop closes down, I can make a withdrawl.

Scene to Music

• In one of the deleted scenes from the UK show, Tony and Steve performed a "Scene to Music" involving a father sending his son out to buy washing powder. The result was nothing short of brilliant.
  Tony: But will it wash my sins away as well as my underpants?
  Steve: I KNOW NOT! FOR SURELY I AM A HUMBLE MAN THAT WASHES CLOTHES FOR MY SON!
• The scene at the butcher shop goes past Double Entendre territory and right into filthy. You wouldn't think Caroline had it in her.

Scene to Rap

• The Scenes To Rap about a hotel.
• One "Scene to Rap" set at a zoo featured Ryan as a nudist.
  Ryan: [rapping] Well, I'm a nudist, I walk around the zoo, I find that's what the other animals want me to do! Walkin' round like this, it takes some guts, I'm going to go to the monkeys and give 'em some nuts.
  • Then moments later...
  Colin: [rapping] I'm the security guard right here, What's this guy, is he... weird? Standing there, showing all his parts, 'cmon there, buddy, whoo, what a fart. I tell you this is really bad, the state of the zoo is really sad, we can't have naked people running 'round like this, 'scuse me, please, I gotta take a piss.

Scenes From a Hat

• Scenes from a Hat: "A Weight Watchers Convention".
  Paul: [to Josie Lawrence] No luck then?
  Josie: [grabs Paul while laughing] I'm going to fucking kill you.
  • To be fair, Paul and Ryan had been ripping on Josie a fair bit earlier, including a preemptive suggestion involving porno and a scene involving a prison riot:
    Paul: More women in this prison or we riot!... We want a prettier one!
• "Scenes from a Hat" suggestion: "Fortune Cookies that tell the truth"
  Greg: [reading out loud from imaginary paper] "You're a cheap bastard and you won't leave a tip". HEY!
• In one game of Scenes From A Hat, the suggestion was "What Hell looks like." See for yourself.
  Greg: [walks out with his neck tucked in as if he's about to impersonate Clive.]]
  Clive: [buzz]
  Greg: [Death Glare]

Secret

• The game based on William Tell and his son is only a couple minutes long, but it's hilarious in a Crosses the Line Twice/Comedic Sociopathy sort of way.
• There's also the Secret set at a sperm bank. Colin nearly loses his composure putting over Ryan's ridiculous concept.
• The game based on Noah's Ark has both Ryan and Colin firing on all cylinders, but the absurdity they inject into the premise reaches a peak when Colin, as Noah's exasperated wife, gives us this perfect line:
  Colin: That's it, I'm calling the Lord!
  • Also, Ryan plays Noah as being completely fed up with everything:
    Ryan: You don't have to listen to the Lord about everything! Look! [opens a compartment] Three penguins!

Song Styles

• Niall Ashdown is probably one of the UK version's most underrated performers. Case in point, his ode to a stripper.
• SPONGEMAN!!!
• In one "Song Styles", Mike is given the the style of ragtime, and the subject is a syringe. This is amusing in itself (he immediately turns it into a ditty about heroin usage), but he actually manages to mislead Richard Vranch, who stops playing after the fourth measure like he's used to doing. Mike turns and looks at him, while still singing on-beat, and the music starts back up and they finish together as normal. Clip here.
• Mike's German drinking song about – wait for it – a little red triangle.

Sound Effects

• The premiere's "Sound Effects" would provide a taste of things to come as Paul decided to mess around with Archie Hahn on the mike - the scene was just "getting dressed" but Paul went on to play with the mirror cabinet, turning on the hot and cold water, flushing the toilet, and even turning on the radio...
• When they tried out the series in the US, one playing involved "Getting ready for a date", including Colin starting a car with Ryan's car noise being "You'renotgoinganywhere...you'renotgoinganywhere..."

Superheroes

• In series 4's first American episode, Greg starts out the inaugural Superheroes round as the strangely-named Junk Man, but when Clive tries to get a world crisis, some smart-ass in the audience yells "English television!" The crowd laughs too much for poor Clive to not take it, meanwhile Greg just laughs and points at him.
  Clive: It's perfectly obvious that Junk Man would just turn into American television, but... [crowd ooohs] Oh, that's going to get the crowd on my side, isn't it?!
  Greg: [loving every second of this] Bad call, homeslice!
• Greg as Captain Tact. Greg plays it with a perfect mixture of politeness and delicious sarcasm, as only Greg Proops can. And that's before Karate Lizard Boy and See Through Your Ass Hear Through Your Elbow Guy show up.
• Greg as Super Teddy Bear, which is both cute and hilarious.
• Colin as Captain Buttocks/Promiscuous Man. The name alone is gold.
• Greg as Impotence Boy. Just the suggestion gets the audience rolling.
  Ryan: Sorry I'm late! I didn't think I was gonna be able to come... well, you must know all about that.
• "Ejaculation Man!" "...Come again?"
• In one of the Hollywood episodes, Brad played "Captain Dog in Heat" solving the crisis of body odor. Ryan stepped in and pretended to step in Dog in Heat's crap. When Ryan asked Brad what the crisis is, Brad said "Intense body odor". Ryan asked him to repeat it lower, and Brad told him, "Intense body (as if howling like a dog) odooooorrrrr!!!"
• Colin as Naked-And-Proud-Of-It Man.
• Greg as Mr. Muscle and Mr. Zimmer Man. This playing is the source of the "Clive's colonies" argument in the General tab above.

Weird Newscasters

• Colin listening to a horse race on his Walkman.
  Colin: Come on, baby. Come on, baby. Come on, baby. Come on, baby. Come on, baby. Come on, baby... [...] YES! YES! YES! I WON! I WON! [to Greg] Screw you! [to Rory] Screw YOU!
  • All the while, Ryan (as a werewolf) howls in the background, and starts knocking over the chairs in back while rampaging around the set.
• Steve Frost plays a rowdy football fan, and proceeds to utterly devour the entire game.

Whose Line

• From a playing of "Whose Line?": Ryan is driving a car before being pulled over by policeman Brad. As Brad pulls out the second piece of paper he reads from, he visibly stifles his laughter upon reading it.
  Brad: You know, the last time I saw a guy like you, he tried to get out of it (a ticket) by saying, [reads his line] "Grab me, [stifles] big boy, and kiss me like there's no tomorrow!" [laughter from the audience] "...if I recall, I didn't write that ticket!"
  Clive: [after the sketch ends] Those lines fit in almost too well.

World's Worst

• World's Worst Idea for a Television Program.
  Mark Cohen: This is Bob Dylan's Speech Class!
• World's Worst Person To Be Stuck In An Elevator With. Paul comes up with a Take That! which, interestingly, cracks up the other contestants.
  Paul: Hello, my name's John Sessions.
• World's Worst Person To Take Confession.
  Ryan: Everything's you, you, you; what about me?!?
  Colin: [bobbing his head, then takes off his headphones] Pardon?
  Ryan: No, I am listening; how do you like your burger?
  Tony: Carry on. [Goat bleats] Shh! Be quiet!
• From Season 6 in 1994, the World's Worst Person To Be President Of The World In An Intergalactic Crisis. Tony makes possibly the most tasteless joke in his entire run, and recovers with a great comeback:
  Tony: Ladies and gentlemen, Richard Nix- oh dear. [audience oohs due to it being too soon at the time]
  Clive: Topical now, it'll be great in six months time when this goes out...
  Tony: He'll still be dead!
• The World's Worst Ad Campaign has some classics.
  Steve: Panty-liners, for men.
  Colin: Many people think it's in bad taste to advertise for an insane asylum, BUT COME ON DOWN!!! WE'RE GOING CRAZYYYYYY!!!!!
  Steve: You take how many dildos into the shower?!
  • Then the great immediate follow-up:
  Tony: Four.
  Steve: [with his hand resting on top of his head] Wigs R' Us. [blows up at the flimsiness of it]
  Ryan: Johnson's Sperm Bank. You're in good hands!
  Steve: Unsightly stains? Well use the toilet paper properly.
• Colin makes an awesome crack at Clive in World's Worst.
  Colin: I'm Clive Anderson and I used to have no neck. But with new Neck Insert... Look!
• Archie Hahn (the first American on the show) is often regarded as one of the weakest performers in the show's history. However in one of the first playings of World's Worst, the topic being "news anchor", Archie invoked a news anchor discussing a school bus crashing.... and trying not to laugh. Interestingly enough, years later on the American version, when this same topic was used, Wayne Brady did essentially the same joke, albeit slightly streamlined.
  Wayne: There was a bombing today... [snickers]
• One time the topic was 'things to say when meeting the in-laws.' Ryan made a funny joke, then made it into a Running Gag, and then Mike McShane managed to completely upstage Ryan.
  Ryan: I'd just like to say, Mr. Macdonald, Mrs. Macdon... hello.
  Ryan: I wanna say, Mrs. Macdonald, Mr. Macdon... hello!
  Mike: Mr. Macdonald, Mrs. Macdonald, I'm so sorry to be at your grandmother's funeral.... HELLO!
• World's Worst Thing To See While Flipping Through The Channels:
  Mike: [seductively] Ooh, ooh baby! Ooh, yeah! Oh, yeah—MOM!
  Greg: [like an alien] Citizens of Earth: remain in your homes!
  Mike: It's the O.J. Simpson trial, year 2526!
  Ryan: [in a possessed voice] No, I won't turn the channel, Satan.
  Mike: It's the O.J. Simpson trial— Hey, and he's being defended by Clive Anderson!
  • The last of which was caused by this.
    Tony: Ooh, it's that show where Clive patronizes lots of different people around the world.
    Clive: Don't bring Clive James into this.
    Tony: No, I meant Clive Anderson.
• World's Worst Thing To Say Before/During Sex:
  Greg: I know what you like, pumpkin, I'm wearing the Clive Anderson mask!
  Ryan: [mimes hitting his watch] And... three minutes fifty-two seconds.
• For that matter, World's Worst Person To Present A Joy Of Sex Video. Pretty much the whole thing.
  Greg: [from the step] ...so many that aren't gonna get on the air. [steps down] No no no... [steps right back up]
• World's Worst Clip From A Nature Documentary:
  Colin: The most dangerous part is waiting for the elephant to cough.
  Greg: Tonight on The World Of Man, we examine human procreation with my wife and I. Get ready, everybody!
  Colin: What if hamsters fought in the American Revolution?
  Ryan: Turtles are usually a slow animal, but... [mimes rubbing one on his sleeve]
• World's Worst Person To Share A Flat With:
  Ryan: [while miming holding a birthday cake and singing] Happy Birthday to Hitler, Happy Birthday to Hitler.
  Colin: [while miming holding up a book] I just finished my book: Satanic Verses. [Greg Proops starts cracking up]
  George Wendt: [singing] I'm a morning person...
• World's Worst Outtake From a News Program or Documentary:
  Ryan: [looking off to the side while smiling] Look at the size of that fire...
  Colin: [while running] IT'S A TIDAL WAVE!!
  Greg: [crouching down] These are the rarest beetles in the world—oh!...these were the rarest beetles in the world.
  Colin: [as he gradually sinks lower] Quicksand: is it really a danger..?
• World's Worst Outtake From a TV Medical Program:
  Ryan: [mimes using a Magical Defibrillator] Clear! [patient flies up into the air and disappears as he looks up in vain for them]
  Colin: [opens up a patient, then pretends to vomit]
  Greg; [while bugging his eyes out] Hello, and welcome to Our Friend The Thyroid! Today...
  Colin: [whilst examining a woman's breasts] Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm. [Beat] Oh, no. I'm just the janitor.
• World's Worst Actor to Audition to play Hamlet:
  Mike: [a la a hack stand-up comic]: Hiya! So the King comes in and he's been sleepin' with my mother, and—
  Jim: I think it could need some lightening up, like Hamlet could have a song. [singing while pretending to play a guitar] Oh, to be, to be! Or not to be, oh, that is the-uh question!
  Tony: I'm Danny LaRue. I've been in the business FORTY YEARS!
  Steve: To be, or not to be. That's a good question. A fair question, and one I intend to deal with.
  Tony: Tobe, or not tobe...
• World's Worst Person To Sit Next To in an Exam:
  Ryan: [unzips pants and looks at his penis for his answers]
  Tony: STOP LOOKING AT MY PAPERS!!
  Steve: This one's pretty difficult, but I'll be better at the French oral! [cocks eyebrows and clicks tongue]
  Ryan: [has hung himself]
  Tony: [writes something down then throws it off the table] No! [while propping his leg up on a step] Let's rebel against the bourgeois exam system!
  Ryan: [while inflating a blow-up doll] Sit next to me...
• World's Worst Outtake From a Religious Program:
  Greg: [growling as his head turns towards the audience, then calmly] Good morning. Today's sermon—
  Niall: [in a gruff voice with a strong Scottish accent] To tell ya the truth, I really loved those Catholics!
  Colin: We're going to baptize Gary by immersing him completely in the water. [while holding Gary underwater as he struggles to come up] When he first came to me, forty-three years ago, I said, "Why did you wait so long—?"
  Greg: Anyone here who knew dearly departed Douglas knew that he was cheapest son of a bitch around.
  Niall: And I christen this child—[looks down in disgust]—shitty little bastard!
  Ryan: [holding his hand up to his ear] And the Lord came to them and he said, "You—" HE SCORES! ENGLAND SCORES!
  Colin: [miming hold a gun] Dirty Hare Krishna.
• World's Worst Person To Be a Cub Scout Leader:
  Mike: Now, what you do is take these plants here and let them dry; gimme the skins.
  Ryan: [whilst digging, then stops, looking nervous] ...you kids shouldn't be up this time of night.
  Tony: Okay, children. Pay attention: the first rule of cub scouting is that you must, must learn to accept pain.
  Mike: Well, actually Jimmy. I got this merit badge for drowning my wife.
  Ryan: [whilst squinting] Okay, we put a little something special in all the cookies we're gonna sell this year.
  Mike: Well, that looks about like I ate everything and drank all the water and we're, what, 50 miles from anyplace? [shrugs and laughs]
  Greg: I spent a lot of time making those frilly pink uniforms and I expect you boys to wear them.
  Mike: "...and each of their bodies were found horribly mutilated with their ski pulled up over their heads." Good night!
  Greg: [growling and slowing charging, then mimes taking off a head] Did I scare anyone?
  Ryan: [whilst crouching] And now we look for some leaves...
• World's Worst Thing For a Doctor or Surgeon To Say:
  Ryan: Alrighty—oh, I'm sorry. This was a rectal thermometer.
  Tony: [vomits]
  Greg: [whilst miming holds something up] Is this gerbil yours?
  Ryan: [whilst crouching and holding out his hands] Alright, just one more push, Mrs. Phillips...24, 35!
  Tony: We use a very sort of gentle anesthesic here. [clears his throat, then sings] Go to sleep. Go to sleep...
  Ryan: [whilst miming holding up a drink] With friends like that, who needs enemas? [hard pokes said enema]
  Tony: Okay, Mrs. Johnson. If you would just put your breasts here, and then...plbbt! [motorboats them]^note made even better with his, Greg's and Clive's reactions
  Ryan: [whilst operating] Excuse me for one minute... [whispers to himself] The knee-bone's connected to the, uh...

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