History Funny / VampireTheMasqueradeBloodlines

-->'''Fat Larry:''' "Believe me, I don't have to see the freeze dried ice cream to know a space cadet when I see one!"

----> '''PC:''' "He wants it so bad he's already started printing commemorative t-shirts."

----> '''PC:''' "I have a plan! We dress up like werewolves and tell them 'they went that way!'"

----> '''PC:''' "Nobody back here, just us werewolves... just practicing."

* A more intellectual bit of humor is the fact that the entire game is one long SpannerInTheWorks joke. [=LaCroix=] sends you on a mission [[spoiler: to die almost immediately after you're embraced. You survive because the Sabbat aren't at the warehouse at the time and then go on to pretty much survive every trap laid out for you.]] By the end, [[spoiler:[=LaCroix=]'s entire empire has unravelled because of your obstinate refusal to die when you're told.]]

--> Wow... bet you're glad that thing didn't have tentacles, huh?

--> (if the player turns off the power) '''Al:''' Dude, who the hell turned off the power? I was about to unlock [[Franchise/StreetFighter Sheng Long]]!

* The anarch and independent endings, provided you kept your Humanity up. [[spoiler:Karmic retribution on [=LaCroix=]?]] Good. [[spoiler:Karmic retribution that gives him just enough time to watch his aspirations turn to ash before blowing him sky-high without you having to lift a finger?]] Better. [[spoiler:Karmic retribution that you realize [[GambitRoulette has been set up before the plot started]], has spent the plot getting to its rightful recipient, and comes complete with a send-off note with a smiley face on it that makes [=LaCroix=] [[LaughingMad crow like a madman]]?]] ''Hilarious''. Even better if playing Independent Ventrue, giving Nines the finger after his grumbling about you being a Camarilla suckup.

*** This can be seen as a bit of a forth-wall break as well, as a pallet-swap of the character model for the male Toreadore is used as a generic NPC.

* The stealth kill for the fire axe and the sledgehammer is giving a powerful sideways swing straight to your target's head. Even though it sends them flying through the air, trailing blood as they go, it's still silent.

-->'''PC''': What's the catch?
-->'''Venus''': Boris is high-ranked in [[TheMafiya the Russian Mafia]]. Is that a problem?
-->'''PC''': I didn't think it would be that easy.

--->'''Jack''': ''(in regards to the Masquerade)'' We're livin' in the age of camera cell-phones, ''fuck-ups ain't tolerated.''

-->"Believe me, I don't have to see the freeze dried ice cream to know a space cadet when I see one!"

---> "What you do, break my other hip? Oh look! Is Mistah Senior Citizen Boxing Champ!"

---> "WELCOME TO TSENG'S HERBAL REMEDIES! I AM TSENG! HOW MAY I-- ''Ughhhhh.'' Um... Tseng is not licensed to medical advice... but I don't think herbs will help your... uh... condition..."

--> A fatal error occurred, you should be panicking. 09.31.2004.
--> Your system will now explode. It is now safe to go to your happy place.
--> * Press the any key to help others learn how to read.
--> * Press CTRL + CTRL + CTRL to donate money to me, you know the computers will soon take over, why fight it?
--> Press the any key to continue.

--> '''Cop#1:''' It's a bunny.
--> '''Cop#2:''' A ''what''?
--> '''Cop#1:''' A ''bunny''.

--> "Come here, I wanna whisper something in your ear - [[SuddenlyShouting FUCK OFF!]]"
--> "If you were the last person on earth, I'd reconsider my views on bestiality."
--> "Even if my pants were on fire, I would NOT take them off in front of you."
--> "Are you undressing me with your eyes? Got a picture in your head? Good, that's as close as you're ever gonna come to seeing me naked."
--> "I'm not gay, but I'm willing to learn."
--> "Ooh, you're the type of man every woman wants... to get hit by a train!"
--> "As much as I'd love to ride around in your short bus, I think I'll take a cab home."
--> "Okay, let me just pick up some protection.... A couple of cans of pepper spray should do the trick."
--> "(Imitation sex noises) Sound familiar? Yeah, I didn't think so."

--> '''PC:''' "Maybe if you made a ''good'' decision for once..."
--> '''PC:''' "Okay, I'll play along. [[ServileSnarker Whatever is this about?]]"

* Some of the back-and-forth a Toreadore PC can have with Bertram is gold:
--> '''Bertram:''' "...Now if only they'd get off their slimy asses and put their talent to use besides feeding their egos."
--> '''Toreadore PC:''' "Astute observation made from the safety of a rat hole."
--> '''Bertram:''' "Save it Cleopatra, your silver tongue might tarnish licking this hide."

--> '''PC:''' "Goodbye, you walking hemorrhoid."
* Literally every time you leave dialogue with Damsel, she'll be muttering vaguely and vitriolically about the Camarilla.
* If you slept with Romero to complete his quest, near the end of the game he'll send you an email [[ItsNotYouItsMe letting you down easy]] and requesting that the two of you keep things professional, apparently having come to the rather random conclusion that the one-night stand lead to the PC falling in love with him. He, of course, also makes it clear that he's still [[FriendsWithBenefits open to messing around]].

*** Alternatively, if the quest for Lily isn't active, you can either say "Booga-booga!", or even "I'LL SWALLOW YOUR SOUL!" if your humanity is low enough, in which case she will die from a heart attack. For a Nosferatu, looks CAN kill. Doing the latter will net you [[VideoGameCrueltyPunishment a loss of humanity, a masquerade violation, and the Southland Slasher butchering you if he happens to be in the diner at the time]], but god ''damn'' if it isn't hilarious.

** When you meet Beckett in the museum basement he'll eventually ask for your opinion on why vampires exist. A Malkavian can give the response: "We exist because the jellyfish wills it so. WHY ELSE?" Beckett will react to this simply with a deadpan "Can't say I've heard that one before."

* If you slept with Romero, near the end of the game he'll send you an email [[ItsNotYouItsMe letting you down easy]] and requesting that the two of you keep things professional, apparently having come to the rather random conclusion that the one-night stand lead to the PC falling in love with him. He, of course, also makes it clear that he's still [[FriendsWithBenefits open to messing around]].

* If you slept with Romero, near the end of the game he'll send you an email [[ItsNotYouItsMe letting you down easy]] and requesting that the two of you keep things professional, apparently having come to the rather random conclusion that the one-night stand lead to the PC falling love with him. He, of course, also makes it clear that he's still [[FriendsWithBenefits open to messing around]].

* Literally every time you leave dialogue with Damsel, she'll be muttering vaguely and vitriolicly about the Camarilla.

** If an Malk PC agrees to work as a spy for the Anarchs, one of the things they can report to Damsel is that there's a rumour that [=LaCroix=] has an interest in feild hockey players. Even funnier: Damsel accepts it without question as though it's actually useful intel and thanks them for it.

** The Malkavian PC can outright ''applaud'' him for the melodramatic preformance.

--> '''PC:''' "Okay, I'll bite. [[ServileSnarker Whatever is this about?]]"

%%* Some of the back-and-forth a Toreadore PC can have with Bertram is gold:

--->'''Fortune Teller''': You will have a visitor next week... don't open the door! {{Beat}} It Jehovah's Witness! They ''so annoying''!

* When Heather comes back to you after you saved her life and begs you to let her help, one of the dialogue options to try and drive her away is to threaten to spank her. [[TooKinkyToTorture This backfires when she turns out to be very enthousiastic about the prospect.]]

--->InAWorld [[CaptainObvious where people live. . . and DIE]] [[OneManArmy "Do you think you can just go in there and handle this by yourself?"]] [[BadassBaritone "If that's what it takes!"]] [[ArchNemesis He was about to meet his greatest foe.]] [[IncomingHam "KILL THEM ALL!]] ''[[KillEmAll ALL OF THEM!"]]'' [[DesignatedLoveInterest And a girl.]] [[MeetCute "Hello." "Hi."]] [[PluckyComicRelief And a comic relief sidekick]] [[ShooOutTheClowns who won't make it to Act III.]] [[CasualDangerDialogue "I picked the wrong month to cancel my life insurance."]] [[HeroicBSOD "No. Don't say that! You're gonna make it!"]] [[TypeCasting With the guy from that other movie that was slightly popular, and whatshername, from that show you sometimes watch.]] [[ConspicuousCGI In a movie with two spectacular CGI battle sequences,]] [[AdvertisingCampaigns an an advertising campaign that will leave you no choice but to see this film.]] [[TropeOverdosed See it, because it's a moive, and all your friends are going.]] [[HilariousInHindsight In theaters Friday, and on DVD in three months.]]

--> "If you were the last person on earth, I'd reconsider my views on beastiality."

* When Heather comes back to you after you saved her life and begs you to let her help, one of the dialogue options to try and drive her away is to threaten to spank her. [[TooKinkyToTorture This backfires when she turns out to be very enthousiastic about the perspective.]]
* You bug Imalia's former rival's flat for her to get some blackmail material. Next night Imalia publishes recording of especially depraved orgy. With llama.

* Not sure if you only get this if you're a Malkavian, but-

** You do only get this if you're a Malkavian. If you're not a Malkavian, the hostess still talks to Andrea about "no he's not yes he is", but she doesn't mention the part about the Dark Father.

** The Malk PC reporting back to Lacroix getting back the werewolf blood at the museum: "But there were dinosaurs, so I had fun!"

** If you go to the Surfside Diner to try and find a lead on Lily, you can talk to the old lady at the counter. "Yeah, yeah, what'll it be... LORD! OH, SWEET JESUS!" You will only get out three words before she literally dies of shock. For a Nosferatu, looks CAN kill. [[spoiler: Although, she doesn't really die, but seems to merely have a heart attack: if you exit the diner and come back, the lady will be back at the counter.]]
*** Alternatively, if the quest for Lily isn't active, you can either say "Booga-booga!", or even "I'LL SWALLOW YOUR SOUL!" if your humanity is low enough. Doing the latter will net you [[VideoGameCrueltyPunishment a loss of humanity, a masquerade violation, and the Southland Slasher butchering you if he happens to be in the diner at the time]], but god ''damn'' if it isn't hilarious.

** If you go to the Surfside Diner to try and find a lead on Lily, you can talk to the old lady at the counter. "Yeah, yeah, what'll it be... LORD! OH, SWEET JESUS!" You will only get out three words before she literally dies of shock. For a Nosferatu, looks CAN kill.

-->'''Heather''': I went fishing today... and I caught a big one. Can you hear him flopping around the bathroom? That's how you can tell he's fresh.\\
'''Malkavian''': [[RapidFireNo No no no no no]]... fish travel in schools!\\
'''Heather''': [[ComicallyMissingThePoint You don't like fish?]] I thought it would be nice if you ate home, for a change...

-->'''PC''': HA HA HA...\\
'''Vandal''': Heh heh...hm, hm, mmm, hngh, hee hee hee...\\
'''PC''': A HA HA HA HA...\\
'''Vandal''': A HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAA! HO HO HO Hoo.... AH! AH! Ha...hoo..ho ho.. haa... Oh, ho ho, ha.... What were we laughing about?\\
'''PC''': The price of the red nectar you were about to sell me.

* The anarch and independent endings, provided you kept your Humanity up. [[spoiler:Karmic retribution on [=LaCroix=]?]] Good. [[spoiler:Karmic retribution that gives him just enough time to watch his aspirations turn to ash before blowing him sky-high without you having to lift a finger?]] Better. [[spoiler:Karmic retribution that you realize [[GambitRoulette has been set up before the plot started]], has spent the plot getting to its rightful recipient, and comes complete with a send-off note with a smiley face on it that makes [=LaCroix=] [[LaughingMad crow like a madman]]?]] ''Hilarious''.

** Boris's bodyguard mistakes you for ''Baba Yaga'' of all people and immediately starts shooting at you. Made even funnier by the fact that Baba Yaga is the first of the Nosferatu and the Nictuku, also known by names such as Medusa the Gorgon and the Matriarch. She is one of the most powerful Methusalah's (4th or 5th Generation Demigod Vampires, elders of the Elder Vampires) that ever existed, up there with the likes of Nissuku, Enkidu, Tiamat, ur-Shulgi, Hazimel, Keminitri, Mithras, Moloch, Nergal, Azaneal, Odin, Montano, Boukephos and so on. The legends say that she, as a young woman, openly defied Absimilard, one of the most terrifying Antediluvians. Absimilard, infuriated, raped her and turned her to a vampire. Then, she became his executioner and concubine in following years. At some point after Absimilard got cursed by Caine, Baba Yaga finally broke her blood bond that tied her to Absimilard, all by herself, and waged war on him. She won, and drove him to torpor somewhere on Northern Russia, or caused him to flee deep into Atlantic Sea. In endless spite, she sired the Nosferatu clan, knowing Absimilard, who was obssessed with his looks, wouldn't want to see a entire line of ugly bastards. During 90's, she woke up, and ruled Russia with a iron fist openly, gathering a army of supernatural creatures, swatting Garou septs like flies, ripping and tearing Masquerade apart with her claws until she was killed by one of the most powerful Nictuku that ever existed, Vasilisa. Sounds like a compliment, eh?

** Boris's bodyguard mistakes you for ''Baba Yaga'' of all people and immediately starts shooting at you. Made even funnier by the fact that Baba Yaga is the first of the Nosferatu and the Nictuku, also known by names such as Medusa the Gorgon and the Matriarch. She is one of the most powerful Methusalah's that ever existed, up there with Nissuku, Enkidu, Tiamat, ur-Shulgi, Hazimel, Keminitri, Mithras, Moloch, Nergal, Odin and so on. She, as a young woman, openly defied Absimilard, one of the uncomprimsingly evil Antediluvians. Absimilard, infuriated, raped her and turned her to a vampire. Then, she became his executioner and concubine in following years. At some point after Absimilard got cursed by Caine, Baba Yaga finally broke her blood bond that tied her to Absimilard, all by herself, and waged war on him. She won, and drove him to torpor somewhere on Northern Russia, or caused him to flee deep into Atlantic Sea. In endless spite, she sired the Nosferatu clan, knowing Absimilard, who was obssessed with his looks, wouldn't want to see a entire line of ugly bastards. During 90's, she woke up, and ruled Russia with a iron fist openly, gathering a army of supernatural creatures, swatting Garou septs like flies, ripping and tearing Masquerade apart with her claws until she was killed by one of the most powerful Nictuku that ever existed, Vasilisa. Sounds like a compliment, eh?

'''PC''': The price of the red nectar you were about to sell me.\\