History Funny / VampireTheMasqueradeBloodlines

** The Malkavian conversation with a stop sign remains one of this tropers favorite in the game. "No, you stop!"

-->('''about the hunters taking Johansen''') Police officials have gone on record as saying "Don't worry, that crazy bastard will save him."\\

-->(''In a 'I'm-talking-to-a-five-year-old' voice'') Yes, yes. I'm sure it was quite an adventure.

*** Two such examples take place in Hollywood. How do you get that loud and obnoxious critic to write a bad review for a restaurant? Get him to think he's eating maggots! How to get Samantha off your back when she recognizes you? Make her think you're her pet turtle that she flushed down the toilet long ago!

*** There's another great moment of VideoGameCrueltyPotential that is also just damn HILARIOUS. When Heather the Ghoul brings home a guy, you can cause him to go to the police and shout "I have a gun, piggies!" It causes a loss of humanity but it's tempting given the guy threatened your sweet but bugnuts servant.
*** How do you get past Officer Chunk? ''Make him realise that his life is a joke.''

*** You can also deal with Milligan (the TV host in Pisha's lair) by making him fall in love with the moon! (Not sure if it lets you do her fetch quest, though...)
-->'''MILLIGAN:''' The moon... Yes, yes, the moon! (starting to laugh) I have to catch the moon! I must hold her, I must hold her in my arms... I must tell her how much I adore her glow, her glow! Out of my way! The moon!

* Throughout the game one can listen to a radio show where a woman takes calls from all sorts of people that tend to be oddballs. One of the more special guests though is [[spoiler:''Andrei the Tzimisce'']]. After his rants about how the end of the world is coming, the radio host just brushes off his statement and continues with her show.

* A more intellectual bit of humor is the fact that the entire game is one long SpannerInTheWorks joke. La Croix sends you on a mission [[spoiler: to die]] almost immediately after you're embraced. You survive because the Sabbat aren't at the warehouse at the time and then go on to pretty much survive every trap laid out for you. By the end, [=LaCroix=]'s entire empire has unravelled because of your obstinate refusal to die when you're told.
* The way certain people react to a Nosferatu protagonist: Trip the pawnshop owner compliments you on your body-sculpting job, the stranded Blue-Blood can only mumble "Oh '''my...'''", Officer Chunk vomits in terror, Fat Larry nearly shits his pants (and gives you an earful for it), Venus provides directions to the [[DeathMetal Corpse Fluid]] gig playing at [[IDontLikeTheSoundOfThatPlace Possession]], the clerk at Red Spot [[SammysGlassEye tries not to mention your facial deformities and fails]], and the herbalist takes one look at you and decides that there's absolutely nothing in-store that could possibly help.

--->('''about the hunters taking Johansen''') Police officials have gone on record as saying "Don't worry, that crazy bastard will save him."
---> '''Anchor''': Los Angeles citizens were left shocked today following a vicious gun battle between the LAPD...and you. They were all like, "BANG! BANG! Ya filthy varment!", and you were all like "POW! POW! Oooh, you wascaly wabbit! You got me!"

--> Oh ''shit.'' A Malkavian. I suppose I'll figure out what the hell you're talking about in a month or so. ''Man,'' I hate talking to you guys! [[MadOracle I always feel like I'm getting an answer to a question I haven't even asked yet]]. Oh well.

--> (''In a 'I'm-talking-to-a-five-year-old' voice'') Yes, yes. I'm sure it was quite an adventure.

--> Aaaah, Dream Creature, hmmmm? O-''kay,'' somebody's circulating the bad candy again, I see. [[NotThatTheresAnythingWrongWithThat But that's alright!]] No sense, no fear, right?

--->'''Samantha:''' What's it like being a turtle?
--->'''PC:''' It's like being a walking house that eats lettuce.

--->'''MILLIGAN:''' The moon... Yes, yes, the moon! (starting to laugh) I have to catch the moon! I must hold her, I must hold her in my arms... I must tell her how much I adore her glow, her glow! Out of my way! The moon!

--->'''Heather''': I went fishing today... and I caught a big one. Can you hear him flopping around the bathroom? That's how you can tell he's fresh.
--->'''Malkavian''': No no no no no... fish travel in schools!

--> "...their linguistic flourishes belie a faith in superstition over the providence of empirical reason that must be an all-pervasive theme in this society of darkest night...damn it all, now I'm doing it too."

-->'''Announcer''': ''[sinister music]'' Last year, Democratic Candidate Micheal Rebbins has purchased a Sports Utility Vehicle. Three months later there have been two separate incidences of hit-and-runs by unidentified SUVs in his area. Is Democratic Candidate Micheal Rebbins to blame? Can you afford that chance? Can your children? ''[upbeat music]'' Vote Republican Senator Robert Thorne, a candidate who has never committed vehicular homicide!

-->'''Announcer''': ''[sinister music]'' Democratic Candidate Micheal Rebbins has never publicly stated his opinion on child pornography. Is it because he's hiding something? Would you want a child pornographer voting on this nation's laws? Would you trust your children's future to someone like that? ''[upbeat music]'' Vote Republican Senator Robert Thorne, who is committed to locking up child pornographers!

-->'''Announcer''': ''[sinister music]'' Democratic Candidate Micheal Rebbins recently sued Senator Robert Thorne for accusing Rebbins of being a murderous child pornographer. But Rebbins had previously said he was against clogging up courts with frivolous lawsuits. Wouldn't this make him a hypocrite? Would you want a hypocrite as your next Congressman? Would you want your children to become hypocrites? ''[upbeat music]'' Vote for Republican Senator Robert Thorne! A candidate ''not'' accused of being a murderous child pornographer!

---> '''[[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vlx1nUvEHSs Hostess]]:''' Hey, Andrea! Uh-huh? What? The Dark Father returns? No, he's not! No, he's not! No, he is ''not''! Hold on, Andrea, I've got another call. Hey, Serena, did you hear about-? Yeah, he is! Yes, he is! Yes, he totally is! I know! I was just on the phone with Andrea, and I was all "No, he's not!" Yes, he is!

--> Uh-huh, yeah, you look ''real'' good at me. Before we do business, before anything changes hands, I want you to hear this: if you try to cross me, I will fuck you. If you tell the cops about me, I will find you, ''then'' I will fuck you. And if you ''are'' a cop... I will fuck you and your whole family, includin' that squirrel in your front yard!

--> Playa, what's the score, how they hangin', good evening and all that commotion! Welcome to Fat Larry's Truck of Mack, the only store for all your needs after ten o'clock: I am the proprietor and salesman of the months several years in a row, the ladies call me "Oh God!" but you can call me Fat Larry with an F-A-T, cuz I know I got a weight problem an' I just don't give a fuck!

--->'''Heather''': I went fishing today... and I caught a big one. Can you hear him flopping around the bathroom? That's how you can tell he's fresh

** [=La Croix=]'s "uh-huh" reaction when you give him the bullet point summary of all the horrible things you've encountered in Santa Monica like ghosts, Thin-Bloods, serial killers, and worse.

*** You can also get him to go to The Asylum and dance the night away. It's less mean. Aslo, it's funnier.

** [=LaCroix]='s "uh-huh" reaction when you give him the bullet point summary of all the horrible things you've encountered in Santa Monica like ghosts, Thin-Bloods, serial killers, and worse.

** La Croix's "uh-huh" reaction when you give him the bullet point summary of all the horrible things you've encountered in Santa Monica like ghosts, Thin-Bloods, serial killers, and worse.
--> *In a 'I'm-talking-to-a-five-year-old' voice* Yes, yes... I'm sure it was quite an adventure.

** [[spoiler:Before you stab LaCroix with his letter opener: "Give you a massive chest wound? My pleasure!"]]

* Combined with VideoGameCrueltyPotential, any vampire character can convince one of the ThinBloods that he needs a holy stake and unicorn blood to become human again. You can also send him to his senseless death by telling him he needs to kill Prince La Croix or the President of the United States. Why? Because they're the head vampire.

* A more intellectual bit of humor is the fact that the entire game is one long SpannerInTheWorks joke. La Croix sends you on a mission [[spoiler: to die]] almost immediately after you're embraced. You survive because the Sabbat aren't at the warehouse at the time and then go on to pretty much survive every trap laid out for you. By the end, La Croix's entire empire has unraveled because you're unstoppable.

* Using [[PowerBornOfMadness Dementation]] to convince an old friend that you're actually her childhood pet turtle.

--->[[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vlx1nUvEHSs '''Hostess:''' Hey, Andrea! Uh-huh? What? The Dark Father returns? No, he's not! No, he's not! No, he is ''not''! Hold on, Andrea, I've got another call. Hey, Serena, did you hear about-? Yeah, he is! Yes, he is! Yes, he totally is! I know! I was just on the phone with Andrea, and I was all "No, he's not!" Yes, he is!]]

--> Playa, what's the score, how they hangin', good evening and all that commotion! Welcome to Fat Larry's Truck of Mack, the only store for all your needs after ten o'clock: I am the propietor and salesman of the months several years in a row, the ladies call me "Oh God!" but you can call me Fat Larry with an F-A-T, cuz I know I got a weight problem an' I just don't give a fuck!

-->'''[=LaCroix=]:''' (...)And no killing.\\

** The girl inside the Brotherhood of the Ninth Circle building will mistake you for another member of the cult, who too is a nosferatu. What makes this even more hilarious is that you will already have killed him at that point. This also happens before you kill the guy too, when asking questions to the homeless people on the streets. The guy who ultimately points you towards his location is at first scared shitless by the fact that he is mistaking you for the other guy.

** "Hail to the Cheif! The President is a bloodsucker!"

-->-->'''Velvet:''' There is only one part of me I don't want anyone inside. My mind.

** Grout also complains about his Ghoul test subjects, most of whom are incredibly uncooperative due to being exposed to debilitating Malkavian blood:

-->"The one called John went so far as to ''gnaw off his arm'' and escape into the floorboards like some feral rodent. I still hear him scurrying about at night; he must be making an ''atrocious'' mess...

--> "...must be an all-pervasive theme in this society of darkest night...damn it all, now I'm doing it too."

* Chunk. Female PC. Clueless admirer. "Security teddy bear", anyone? Half the comedy comes from the knowledge that if she could, your character would reach through the monitor and ''kill'' you for what you're putting her through.