History Funny / House

* "Pilot"

* "Paternity"

*** Even funnier, turns out the kid already figured out he was adopted on his own from a simple clue; [[SpottingTheThread he has a cleft chin and neither of his parents do]].[[note]]Cleft chins are not entirely dominant - though unlikely, it is possible for a child to have a cleft while neither parent does[[/note]]
* "Occam's Razor"

* "Damned if You Do"

* "Poison"

* "Cursed"

* "Role Model"

--->'''Wilson''': House, I believe you're a romantic. You didn't just believe him, you believed ''in'' him. Do you want to come over tonight and watch old movies and cry?

* "Love Hurts"

-->'''Cuddy''': I wanna run something by you.\\
'''House''': ''[loudly]'' I will not have sex with you! ''[people stare]'' Not again! It was miserable that first time, all that desperate administrative need.

* "Autopsy"

* "TB or not TB"
** House has Foreman work on the weekly side patient in his stead (complete with his nametag.) When the patient complains about how rude "Dr. House" was, Cuddy demands that House apologize to her by the end of the day. House exploits the fact that the patient doesn't know who he is and that he's a cripple to milk some sympathy out of her, ''while'' making it look like an apology in front of Cuddy.

'''House:''' I- I'm very relieved, I feel terrible.\\

* "Spin"

--->'''House''': You are healed. Rise and walk.\\
'''Jeff''': Are you insane?\\
'''House''': In the bible, they just say, "Yes, Lord," and then start right in on the praising.

* "Hunting"

---->'''House''': Okay, I'm gonna give you some antibiotics, and you probably shouldn't have sex for a while.\\

* "Distractions"

* "Skin Deep"

* "Safe"

* "House vs. God"

* In "Fools for Love"

--->'''Cameron''': Married couple, same disease. They either got it from each other or in the same place.\\
'''House''': Infectious or environmental. All we have to do is check out parasites, viruses, bacteria, fungi, prions, radiation, toxins, chemicals, or it's internet porn-related. I'll check the internet, you guys cover the rest of the stuff.

** When the passenger across from House gets sick, the flight attendant asks if anyone is a doctor. House says, "Yes," then "I'll go get her." ''Then'' he takes his ribeye and wine and pretends he was never planning to leave Cuddy suffering in coach, and switches with her.

[[folder: Season 1]]

[[folder: Season 2]]

---> '''Stacy''': And this was right before you ran the marathon, I suppose?\\
'''House''': Was it the part where he warmly clasped my hands in thanks? Was that too much?

---> '''House''': Now I've got an OR booked for 4 this afternoon, are you free?\\

'''House''': Hm. Oh, and for the record, you are the worst transplant surgeon in this hospital, but unfortunately, you're the only one currently cheating on his wife.

---> '''House''': Apparently someone sent an anonymous letter to his wife.\\
'''Stacy''': You blackmailed Ayersman, he performed the surgery and you ratted him out anyway?!\\
'''House''': Doesn't seem fair, does it?

* "Deception"

'''Patient:''' [[ComicallyMissingThePoint I brought the jar]]. ''[reaching into her bag to take it out]''\\
'''House:''' No, I meant a sample of your-- ''[looks up to see a jar of strawberry jelly]'' ......Okay. We have a neurological problem here.\\

'''House:''' Symptomatic of turning 14. Two clinic hours says that those “love apples” are hand-crafted by God.\\

'''Chase:''' You’re on! (''Fist bumps with House'')

--->'''Wilson''': Right. Giant coincidence that you've gone completely off the rails since she left. Inducing migraines, worsening leg pain--\\

'''House''': Aww. You miss Stacy too?
* "Sex Kills"
** [[https://youtu.be/D8-Y9pz14aU “We’re gonna cure death?”]]

* "Clueless"

* "Euphoria"

'''House:''' [[Film/MarchOfThePenguins Marching the penguin]]. [[Literature/DivineSecretsOfTheYaYaSisterhood Ya-ya-ing the sisterhood]]. ''WesternAnimation/FindingNemo''.

[[folder: Season 3]]
* "Cane and Able"

* "Lines in the Sand"

--->'''Foreman''': I had a date last night. She screamed. Should we spend $100,000 testing her?\\
'''House''': Of course not. This isn't a veterinary hospital. Zing!

--->'''Cuddy''': She has a mole on her right breast, just below the nipple.\\
'''House''': No, she doesn't.\\
'''Cuddy''': You've seen her breasts?!\\
'''House''': It was a medical exam. I was listening to her heart. It went, "Greg-House, Greg-House, Greg-House."

* "One Day, One Room"

* "Needle in a Haystack"

--->'''Foreman''': We plug one hole and end up poking another.\\
'''House''': We talking about the patient or how to get a raise from Cuddy?

* "Insensitive"

* "Half-Wit"
** The team discovers that House has been diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. As the episode goes on, each of them tries to talk to House about it. He simply rebuffs and ridicules their attempts while trying to refocus them on the case. Wilson is first, then Cameron, then Foreman, all getting very touchy-feely...finally Chase comes into House's office and House asks if it's his turn. Chase's response is a firm, decisive "I'm sorry you're dying. I'm going to hug you." He then gets a long hug in while House is too puzzled to protest.

--->'''House''': One small feel for man, one giant ass for mankind.

-->'''Foreman''': This is definitely different.\\

'''Chase''': It looks almost like...\\
'''Cameron''': ...he's caring.
* "Airborne"

--->'''House''': Nobody speak Korean on this flight?\\
'''Cuddy''': I assumed you did.\\
'''House''': I know how to ask him if his sister's over eighteen. I don't think that's gonna help.
* "Act Your Age"

--->'''Patient''': Am I okay? Is it diabetes?\\
'''House''': No. You're pregnant.

--->'''Wilson''': It is possible to have a friend of the opposite sex.\\
'''House''': Blasphemer!

--->'''House''': How was the play, Mrs. Lincoln?\\
'''Cuddy''': What's up with Wilson?\\
'''House''': He's just a little freaked.\\
'''Cuddy''': Why?\\
'''House''': I sent him flowers.

* "Resignation"

--->'''Wilson''': Oh, god, she's 26.\\
'''House''': With the wisdom of a much younger woman.

-->'''House''': Sounded like someone with back.

[[folder: Season 4]]
* "Alone"

--->'''Cuddy''': You've spent the last two weeks doing absolutely nothing. Concert is over.\\
'''House''': In what twisted universe does mastering Eddie Van Halen's two-handed arpeggio technique count as absolutely nothing?

--->'''House''': It's basically a list of her sexual encounters. Boys, girls, vibrating appliances...\\
'''Wilson''': If it was, you'd be quoting, not summarizing.

--->'''Wilson''': So all you have to do is convince this kid that his girlfriend had a secret doctor, and a secret stash, and a secret life. It's been a while since a patient took a swing at you. Can I watch?

--->'''House''': Wilson, you idiot.\\
'''Wilson''': ''[electronic voice]'' Listen carefully and no one will get hurt. ''[House puts the phone down and grabs his cane]'' You must follow these instructions. ''[in Wilson's office]'' Any attempt to contact the FBI or other law enforcement agencies or Cuddy will be met with-- ''[House storms in]'' --and a large Coke. No ice.\\
'''House''': Give it back.\\
'''Wilson''': What happened? Did someone...kidnap your guitar? A $12,000 1967 Flying V? Or something?\\
'''House''': Where'd you hide it?\\
'''Wilson''': I'm flattered you would consider me this bold and brilliant.\\
'''House''': No, 'cause it takes a cri-- ''[notices Wilson's pretending to read a newspaper with bits cut out]'' It takes a criminal mastermind to pull off a heist from an unlocked, unguarded room down the hall. What do you want?\\
'''Wilson''': Me? Nothing. But I'm sure the kidnapper wants what every kidnapper wants: To see you interview five to seven well-qualified fellowship candidates.

--->'''House''': What is ''El Fuego del Amor'' and why do you need ten of them?\\
'''Wilson''': It's a...It's a telenovela. I'm learning Spanish.\\
'''House''': Say adios.\\
'''Wilson''': Are you erasing my [=TiVo=]?! House, not the season finale!\\
'''House''': I don't negotiate with terrorists. I smoke them out of their hidey-holes.\\
'''Wilson''': Do you know what terrorists do when you don't negotiate? They terrorize.\\
'''House''': Bring...it...on. ''[tosses hotel phone out the window]''

--->'''House''': I have become a man of principle. I've gotten smarter. What answer will make Socrates shut up?

--->'''House''': If you feel sick, you call me directly, not Dr. Wilson. He's getting his last set of hormone shots.

--->'''House''': I did it all by myself, Mommy.\\
'''Janitor''': You talking to me?\\
'''House''': Go away. ''[janitor leaves, the door opens again a few seconds later]'' I did it all by myself, Mommy.\\
'''Cuddy''': How'd you know it was me?\\
'''House''': There's a scent given off by wounded, feral cats.
* "The Right Stuff"

--->'''House''': Got a problem with the naked female form?\\
'''Woman''': Not at all.\\
'''Thirteen''': Maybe she's just not used to seeing it spooning with the naked dolphin form.\\
'''House''': That's not a dolphin. It's a porpoise. There is a difference, you know. Salary, for one thing.\\
'''Thirteen''': You want us to give you a minute?

* "97 Seconds"

--->'''House''': Big Love, have I humiliated you in the last half hour?\\
'''Cole''': No.\\
'''House''': Check your email.
* "Mirror Mirror"

--->'''House''': ''[stands on chair in cafeteria]'' Uh, ladies and gentlemen, I have a regrettable announcement. The kitchen has just learned that our annual shipment of mayonnaise was improperly stored, so anybody who ate...well, the food should head across the lobby to the clinic right away. Ask for Doctor Cuddy.\\

'''Foreman''': You're not punishing Cuddy, you're punishing every doctor in the building.\\
'''House''': It's her building, her doctors.\\
'''Foreman''': ''[stands on chair]'' The mayo is fine. You can stay where you are. I'm a doctor.\\

'''House''': Mail order. I've seen the diplomas. Two "n"s in "University".\\

--->'''Taub''': You risking our patient's life to get back at Cuddy?\\
'''House''': What? No. That would be childish. This is what I'm doing to get back at Cuddy. ''[raises voice]'' Who here doesn't have any health insurance? ''[a number of patients raise their hands]'' Tch. Michael Moore was right. [=MRIs=], PET scans, neuro-psych tests, private rooms for all these patients. Fight the power!

--->'''House''': It's simple math. I'm not gonna back down, you're not gonna back down, Cuddy's not gonna back down. No one's gonna be happy here. And Cuddy's gonna end up pregnant.\\
'''Foreman''': ...What?

* "Whatever It Takes"

** Kutner asks who the man in black is. House says, "We use the term 'life partner.'"

--> Two minutes and some anti-nausea meds and I might take you up on it.

** "You've gotta get down here. They've got a satellite aimed directly into Cuddy's vagina. I told them the chances of invasion are slim to none, but...."
* "Ugly"

--->'''Cuddy''': You think I like the cameras? You think I want the whole world watching you check out my ass and question my wardrobe?\\
'''House''': Would it be better if I checked out your wardrobe and questioned your ass?\\
'''Cuddy''': A little part of me--\\
'''House''': There ''is'' no little part of you.

--->'''Wilson''': Well, it's great how he rebounded from that setback.\\
'''Darnell''': What setback?\\
'''Wilson''': He didn't tell you about the...? Well, it's his right. Records were sealed. Personally, I think he was just tapping his foot and reaching for the toilet paper. Obviously, it was a witch hunt.\\
'''Darnell''': Do you think they singled him out because...\\
'''Wilson''': No, literally a witch hunt. Dr. House is a practicing Wiccan. It's a beautiful religion. It's very caring.

* "You Don't Want to Know"

* "Games"

* "It's a Wonderful Lie"

--->'''Thirteen''': She's not a liar.\\
'''House''': Okay, this is gonna be a tough case. I have almost no knowledge of alien physiology.

--->'''House''': Lies are like children. Hard work, but they're worth it, because the future depends on 'em.\\
'''Wilson''': You are so full of love...or something. When you care about someone--\\
'''House''': You lie to them! You pretend that their constant ponderous musings are interesting. You tell them that they're not losing their boyish good looks or becoming worn out and--\\
'''Wilson''': I stand corrected. And may I say it's been a real pleasure chatting with you.

--->'''Wilson''': Have you ever considered channeling your powers to, I don't know, bring peace to the mid-east?\\
'''House''': I couldn't do that.\\
'''Wilson''': But if they ever got it, you could screw it up?\\
'''House''': Yeah, that's more where my powers lie.

--->'''House:''' 4,300 saved e-mails and not a single mention of "[[ActorAllusion lesbionic]]", "sanchez," or "man-gina."

* "Frozen"

--->'''Foreman''': He's annoyed by her, doesn't respect her as a doctor, constantly insults her.\\
'''Wilson''': That's House's version of courtship.\\
'''Foreman''': ...Oh, god, he's been wooing me for years.

* "Don't Ever Change"

** "Well, if you'd looked at me with those flashing eyes before I was involved...."

* "No More Mr. Nice Guy"

--->'''Cameron''': Cuddy was looking for you. Said she'd send you down here.\\
'''House''': I know. That's why I'm here.\\
'''Cameron''': ''[{{beat}}]'' Because Cuddy hasn't found you yet.\\
'''House''': She's gonna look everywhere except the place she wants me to be.

--->'''Jeff''': I'm sure it was an accident.\\
'''House''': Is he Canadian?\\
'''Cameron''': Uh, he's a low priority.\\
'''House''': Is that a yes?\\
'''Cameron''': He's just--\\
'''House''': Happy. I gotta stop this before it spreads.

--->'''House''': Joint custody.\\
'''Amber''': Of Wilson?\\
'''House''': Unless we have another love child.\\
'''Amber''': ''[to Wilson]'' Deal with him.\\
'''House''': He needs a mother figure. I'm not saying you're not entitled to spend time with him. I'm just saying I'm entitled too.\\

'''Wilson''': I don't know how to deal with him when he's...being reasonable.\\
'''Amber''': This is reasonable? This is crazy. You're not a child. You can make your own plans.\\
'''Wilson''': No, crazy is what House would normally do in this situation--swap your lubricant with superglue.\\
'''House''': The man knows me.

* "Living the Dream"

'''Chase:''' Don't...care?
** House has a...creative way of getting a soap opera star to come in and be diagnosed.
--->'''Foreman''': You kidnapped him?\\
'''House''': It's sweet that I haven't lost the ability to surprise you.

* "House's Head"

'''Cuddy''': House!\\
'''House''': ''[mockingly]'' House!

[[folder: Season 5]]
* "Dying Changes Everything"

--->'''Cuddy''': House has more important things to do.\\
'''House''': Sorry, can't help you. You need a specialist to remove those kind of warts. Preferably one with experience spelunking.
* "Not Cancer"

--->'''Kutner''': Does that P.I. guy mean we don't have to break into people's homes anymore?\\
'''House''': It's the whole reason you went to medical school. I'm not gonna take that away from you.
* "Adverse Events"

--->'''House''': You don't like her shoes. You like her legs.\\
'''Lucas''': It sounds less creepy if you say shoes.\\
'''House''': Less creepy, more gay.\\
'''Lucas''': That's my firm's motto.

* "Birthmarks"

--->'''Cuddy''': Your mother wants you to deliver a eulogy.\\
'''House''': "Eulogy". From the Greek for "good word". Now, if she asked me to deliver a bastardogy, I'd be happy to--

--->'''House''': ''[to Wilson]'' My ringtone for you is ''Dancing Queen'' by ABBA.

--->'''House''': Admit it. Admit it.\\
'''Wilson''': What are you, five? Stop repeating--\\
'''House''': Admit it. Admit it. Admit it. Admit it. Admit it. Admit it. Admit it. Come on, admit it. Admit it!\\

'''House''': ......Still not boring.

--->'''Wilson''': You know, you could just wait for the MRI to have your curiosity satisfied.\\
'''House''': What person who is nothing like me are you saying that to?

--->'''House''': Differential. Say you're a middle-aged Chinese woman...\\
'''Wilson''': Fine.\\
'''House''': Say it.\\
'''Wilson''': I'm a middle-aged Chinese woman.

--->'''House''': If you're coming back just 'cause you're attracted to the shine of my neediness...I'd be okay with that.
* "Lucky Thirteen"

--->'''House''': People interest me. Conversations don't.\\
'''Foreman''': Because conversations go both ways.\\

'''House and Foreman''': Like Thirteen.

--->'''House''': Maybe he was doing something he thinks I'll mock him for. Like... ''[{{beat}}]'' ...just about anything.

--->'''House''': Oh, my god. You invoked your dead girlfriend's name to sell me. You're my hero.
* "Joy"

* "The Itch"

--->'''Thirteen''': What did Cuddy want?\\
'''House''': I kinda hit that last night, so now she's all on my jock.\\
'''Thirteen''': Wow. She looks pretty good for someone on roofies.

--->'''Cuddy''': It's no big deal. I was feeling vulnerable. He's a friend, and I leaned on him.\\
'''Wilson''': It's funny. I've leaned on friends in the past. Never leaned so far my tongue fell into their mouths.
* "Last Resort"

--->'''Jason''': Excuse me, I'm looking for Dr. Cuddy.\\

--->'''House''': Spit on the floor.\\
'''Jason''': What?\\
'''House''': If I do it, I can't tell Cuddy it was medically necessary. I'm gonna ask you to piss on her chair next.
* The last five minutes of "Let Them Eat Cake." [[DontExplainTheJoke Explaining it just ruins the joke.]]
* "Joy to the World"

--->'''House''': Uh-huh. That's Beccaria's sign. That'll be gone by your third trimester.\\
'''Whitney''': Oh, I'm not in school.\\
'''House''': ''[{{beat}}]'' Neither is your fetus.\\
'''Whitney''': Oh, god.\\
'''House''': You didn't know you were pregnant?\\
'''Whitney''': How do--You know that just from the headache?\\
'''House''': ''[struggles briefly with auto-sarcasm]'' How do I know? I missed my period, I got fat, threw up....Oh, no, wait--That's how ''you'' know.\\
'''Whitney''': What?\\
'''House''': [[SherlockScan I know because of the tight shirt stretched over the swollen boobs, the salt craving you've imported into the clinic, the motion sickness patch that doesn't do anything for the kind of sickness that you feel in the morning.]]\\
'''Whitney''': Yeah, I'm a virgin. So is my fiance.\\
'''House''': I believe him.\\
'''Whitney''': Aren't there other ways I could get pregnant, like...sitting on a toilet seat?\\
'''House''': Absolutely. There would need to be a guy sitting between you and the toilet seat, but yes, absolutely. ...I was doing so well.

---->'''Geoff''': She says you told her you can get pregnant from sitting on a toilet seat.\\
'''House''': I said those words, but with a particular inflection.\\
'''Geoff''': I knew it was untrue.\\
'''Whitney''': Well, is there any other way? Isn't it possible?\\
'''House''': There was a reported case of a Civil War soldier who was shot in the testicles, and the musket ball carried the non-musket ball into the uterus of a woman working in a neighboring field. Nine months later, a miracle child was born. ''[{{beat}}]'' Also, maybe she cheated on you.\\
'''Geoff''': We made a promise.\\
'''Whitney''': We do--We do other stuff in bed. Couldn't some of his sperm have made it up there somehow?\\
'''House''': More likely, it came from the guy whose penis made it up there somehow.

* From "Painless",

--->'''House''': Good. Fun. You get to exercise your newfound power, I squirm under your thumb, resent the student becoming the teacher, and then push comes to shove, and we all get to realize what our real roles should be. ''[{{beat}}]'' Then you put out.\\
'''Cameron''': That's why I took the job.

--->'''Thirteen''': How about you just judge our ideas on their own merit?\\
'''House''': Oh, you don't want me to do ''that''.

--->'''House''': And by the way, your hips may be an evolutionary improvement.

--->'''Cuddy''': Did you give House the moron with the broken finger?\\
'''Nurse''': They've been in room two about ten minutes.\\
'''Cuddy''': Patient should've been screaming for another doctor seven minutes ago.

--->'''House''': I think my penis stopped breathing. Do you know CPR?

--->'''Kutner''': No nasal cancer, and no marriage either if our patient keeps saying everything that comes into his head without regard for the consequences.\\
'''Wilson''': You always led me to believe you were one of a kind.

--->'''Wilson''': I'm playing racquetball tomorrow night with Taub.\\
'''House''': Why would you hide that?\\
'''Wilson''': Because the world revolves around you. I devote time to anyone else, you'd end up stalking me and harassing them.\\
'''House''': You say that as though it wouldn't be fun.

** This exchange.

--->'''Wilson''': I've gotta stop telling you my theories. You always just try to prove me wrong.\\
'''House''': You mean the theory about Cuddy's ass getting bigger at the full moon? I confirmed that one. Photo's on my blog.

--->'''Taub''': We went to high school together!\\
'''Woman''': ''[gently touches Taub's arm]'' That's what everyone else thought too.

--->'''Wilson''': Your crash was ten miles from the Orange County Progressive Pain Clinic.\\
'''House''': You live ten miles from Mary's Dress Shop. And yet, that's not even on my list of reasons that I think you're secretly a transvestite.

--->'''House''': Did you let me hire a pervert?\\
'''Cuddy''': Well, it'd be hypocritical of me not to.

--->'''House''': Why is the soon-to-be-second-prettiest Dr. Chase here?

--->'''Foreman:''' [yelling over the music] House, what are you doing!?\\

--->'''Foreman''': Think she can do the Broken Cowboy?\\
'''Thirteen''': God, I hope so.

--->'''Wilson''': The main reason my third wife and I eloped was to avoid House's bachelor party. ...Have you seen ''Film/{{Caligula}}''?\\

'''House''': Is he telling you to avoid the party?\\
'''Wilson''': I took an oath to do no harm.\\
'''House''': Sure, don't come. If you want your wedding vows to be meaningless.\\
'''Chase''': This should be interesting.\\
'''House''': You are going to commit to that one special woman forever, which is beautiful. But if your commitment the day after the wedding is the same as your commitment the day before, then the wedding meant nothing. So, and I see no logical way around this, if you want your marriage to matter, you have to be a wanton, trolling, muck-covered pig the day before.\\
'''Chase''': You're evil. See ya.

--->'''Wilson''': Every time I go to one of your parties, I end up embarrassing myself in some new and unexpected way.\\
'''House''': [[NoodleIncident That whole thing with the duck]] was hardly unexpected.

--->'''Wilson''': You're okay with this?\\
'''Foreman''': ''[big grin]'' I paid fifty bucks for this.

[[folder: Season 6]]

--->'''Richter''': You have to dribble.\\
'''House''': Why? The CIA satellites aren't watching me, they're watching you. 'Cause you're wearing green.\\

'''House''': That one was just too easy.

--->'''House''': I'm not gay.\\
'''Man''': Oh, neither am I.\\
'''House''': See that guy over there? ''[indicates Nolan]'' He's also my psychiatrist, which some would argue is a little inappropriate, but they just don't know what love is. Am I right?

--->'''Cameron''': You know how House feels about people touching his ball.\\
'''Foreman''': No. Chase refuses to tell me.

--->'''Nolan''': You need something to keep you engaged, connected to other people.\\
'''House''': You already made me get a roommate. Wilson's got one bedroom. I don't think we can get any more connected without unzipping.

--->'''Cecile''': ''[in Mandarin]'' Who's the broad?\\
'''House''': ''[in Mandarin]'' Missionary.\\

'''Cecile''': ''[in Mandarin]'' If she's a missionary, why does she dress like a hooker?\\
'''House''': ''[in Mandarin]'' I meant the position.

--->'''Thirteen''': This might be the best thing I've ever eaten. ...And yes, I'm including what you're thinking of now.
* House preventing Foreman's authority by playing charades with his team in "The Tyrant."

* From "Black Hole"
-->'''House''': Foreman, does anything excite you?\\
'''Everyone''': No.

-->'''Chase:''' [[PopCulturalOsmosisFailure I don't even know who Frodo is]].

** Blink and you'll miss it, but when the patient insists that, despite there ''maybe'' having been ''some'' "contact", he's "as straight as any of you". ... Thirteen visibly restrains herself from answering.

[[folder: Season 7]]

* From "Recession Proof".

--->'''Foreman''': [To Taub] I hate you.

[[folder: Season 8]]

---> '''Taub''': An entire hospital betting on the legitimacy of my kids? It's great to be back among friends.\\

'''Wilson''': I'm not the bad guy here. I'm betting on them both being yours.\\

'''Wilson''': I woulda donated the money to charity...
** After an entire episode's worth of construction, [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MjfwzC7fz80&ab_channel=Eric House reveals the result.]]

* The "Spring Break" photos of Wilson passed out on House's couch at the end of "The C-Word." Also a SugarWiki/{{Heartwarming Moment|s}}.

** Near the end of the episode, Wilson is giving the eulogy at House's funeral when he's interrupted by the ringing of a phone. He irritably asks whoever's phone is ringing to get it, only to find that the ringing is coming from his own pocket. He mutters that he could've sworn he'd shut that off...wait, this isn't his phone!

[[folder: Unsorted]]

-->'''Cuddy''': This is the part where you play the employee and I play the boss.\\

* House: "Idiopathic. It means we're idiots because we can't figure this out."

--->'''Wilson:''' What are you doing?\\

-->'''House:''' Where we going?
-->'''Wilsom:''' Nowhere, I just know this hurts you.
** Convinced that the mother is at least telling lies of omission to her daughter, House asks the daughter what her mother's favorite sex position is. After initially deflecting it, she replies "She used to like being on top, but now she likes being on her stomach so they don't stare at her scars". House's face is priceless.
** A lot of House's clinic people are {{One Scene Wonder}}s, but the best is the one House identifies as a prostitute based on her necklace, where he offers to (and follows through with) writing her pimp a note. She returns with marks around her neck and he correctly identifies that she's in a donkey show. Despite this, he's almost flirting with her the entire time and she concludes the visit by telling him to drop by sometime.

** The teams chagrin at the end when, after initially looking otherwise, they find out House was right after all about it being a pharmacists mistake.

'''Foreman:''' Yeah, I'm just like him. Except for the angry, bitter, pompous, cripple part.\\

--->"You're brain damaged. Doomed to feeling good for the rest of your life."

** After Sebastian decides to refuse treatment to bring attention to the epidemic in Africa, House starts getting phone calls from the media, and finally answers one: "In my opinion, Dr. Sebastian Charles is an idiot. Yeah, you can quote me. C-U-D-D-Y."

''Ayersman nods resignedly''\\
'''House''': Hm. Oh, and for the record, you are the worst transplant surgeon in this hospital, but unfortunately you're the only one currently cheating on his wife.

** Best part is house's lines during the MRI scene. After Cuddy barges in and yells at him first for shooting the corpse and using it for this "test"

'''House:''' Yes, I make it look oh so sexy. It's actually not as glamorous as it seems.

''[[{{Beat}} ...]]''\\

** Cameron is annoyed an off-hand jibe about sex has sent Chase's mind into the gutter, so she when she runs into him alone, she takes the opportunity to fluster him with a short monologue about sex. For most of the monologue, she's standing quite close to Chase, who is trapped between her and a counter. He has a look of utter shock on his face, and his eyes just keep getting bigger and bigger and darting around looking for an escape route as she talks.

*** Even funnier, turns out the kid already figured out he was adopted on his own from a simple clue; [[SpottingTheThread he has a cleft chin and neither of his parents do]].

** The whole scene when Taub finds out his old schoolmate CEO who was going to give him a job was actually a con man when he goes to the company and is told the man in question just worked for them as a temp receptionist and was currently in custody. Best is this moment:

'''House''': Se that guy over there? ''[indicates Nolan]'' He's also my psychiatrist, which some would argue is a little inappropriate, but they just don't know what love is. Am I right?

** The Subplot of Wilson [[OldShame Having once been in a student film that was later spliced into a porno]], and everyone in the hospital, from House to the cafeteria workers making fun of him and quoting lines from the movie.

'''As a Moments subpage, all spoilers are unmarked [[Administrivia/SpoilersOff as per policy.]] Administrivia/YouHaveBeenWarned.'''

** Cuddy has a good one. "Is the yelling designed to scare me? Because I'm not sure what it is I'm supposed to be scared of! More yelling? That's not scary ... to hurt me? That's scary, but I'm pretty sure I can outrun you."
** Another one from the pilot, while talking to one of his drop-in patients (who happens to be bright orange)

** The patients kindergarten class sending her a get well card saying they’re glad she's not dead is both cute and a little funny.

--->'''House:''' Listen, when we were taking his medical history, were you confused?? Did you think we were looking for a genetic clue to his condition or did you think we were trying to ascertain who loves him the most in the whole wide world?

--->"Doctor House, if I break my leg, I believe it's for a reason. I believe God wanted me to break my leg. I also believe ''He wants me to put it in a cast''."

** The patients kindergarten class sending her a get well card saying their glad she's not dead is both cute and a little funny.

** The punchline where House explains Cuddy why he paged her to come over and meet the patient.

** The patient is trapped in his own mind, and snarks about the main cast. At one point when Foreman is telling a personal story about his girlfriend, he's not interested until it's revealed it's Thirteen, then he's more impressed.

* "The Mistake": Cuddy appoints Foreman as House's new supervisor, and Wilson says, "I guess I'm his best friend now."

* In "Knight Fall" House refers to Taub as Gollum.

** The LiarRevealed moment when Foreman calls out Wilson for claiming the patient was his cousin to get Hosue interested and Wilson denies it but gets her name wrong.

'''Wilson:''' No. You're a jerk.
'''House:''' Night, Wilson.
'''Wilson:''' Night, House.

--->'''House:''' Seriously?!\\
'''Wilson:''' No. You're a jerk.\\
'''House:''' Night, Wilson.\\
'''Wilson:''' Night, House.\\

'''House:''' Night, Wilson.

'''Wilson:''' No.\\
'''House:''' You're a jerk.\\
'''Wilson:''' Night, House.\\

'''Taub:''' ''[to a newly-hired nurse]'' [[YourCheatingHeart Do you wanna have an affair?]]\\