Funny / House

As a Moments subpage, all spoilers are unmarked as per policy. You Have Been Warned.

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Season 1

• "Pilot":
  • Cuddy has a good one. "Is the yelling designed to scare me? Because I'm not sure what it is I'm supposed to be scared of! More yelling? That's not scary... to hurt me? That's scary, but I'm pretty sure I can outrun you."
  • Another one from the pilot, while talking to one of his drop-in patients (who happens to be bright orange).
    House: Unfortunately, you have a deeper problem. Your wife is having an affair.
    Orange patient: What?
    House: You're orange, you moron! It's one thing for you not to notice, but if your wife hasn't picked up on the fact that her husband has changed colors, she's just not paying attention.
    • Made even better during the ending, the man is no longer wearing his wedding ring, proving that House was correct.
  • The patient's kindergarten class sending her a get well card saying they're glad she's not dead is both cute and a little funny.
  • The Liar Revealed moment when Foreman calls out Wilson for claiming the patient was his cousin to get House interested and Wilson denies it but gets her name wrong.
• "Paternity":
  • House is furious at the parents of a 16 year old patient in his care, because they didn't bother to mention he's adopted, which is super relevant to his medical history.
    House: Listen, when we were taking his medical history, were you confused? Did you think we were looking for a genetic clue to his condition or did you think we were trying to ascertain who loves him the most in the whole wide world?
    • Even funnier, turns out the kid already figured out he was adopted on his own from a simple clue; he has a cleft chin and neither of his parents do.^note Cleft chins are not entirely dominant - though unlikely, it is possible for a child to have a cleft while neither parent does.
• "Occam's Razor":
  • House's introductory monologue to the clinic patients:
    House: Hello, sick people and their loved ones! In the interest of saving time and avoiding a lot of boring chitchat later, I'm Doctor Gregory House; you can call me "Greg". I'm one of three doctors staffing this clinic this morning.
    Cuddy: Short, sweet, grab a file.
    House: This ray of sunshine is Doctor Lisa Cuddy. Doctor Cuddy runs this whole hospital, so unfortunately she's much too busy to deal with you. I am a bored... certified diagnostician with a double specialty in infectious disease and nephrology. I am also the only doctor currently employed at this clinic who is forced to be here against his will. [to Cuddy] That is true, isn't it? (turning back to the crowd) But not to worry, because for most of you, this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you're particularly annoying, you may see me reach for this: this is Vicodin. It's mine. You can't have any. And no, I do not have a pain management problem, I have a pain problem. But who knows? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm too stoned to tell. So, who wants me?
  • Cameron is annoyed that an off-hand jibe about sex has sent Chase's mind into the gutter, so when she runs into him alone, she takes the opportunity to fluster him with a short monologue about sex. For most of the monologue, she's standing quite close to Chase, who is trapped between her and a counter. He has a look of utter shock on his face, and his eyes just keep getting bigger and bigger and darting around looking for an escape route as she talks.
    Cameron: Sex COULD kill you. Do you know what the human body goes through when you have sex? Pupils dilate, arteries constrict, core temperature rises, heart races, blood pressure skyrockets, respiration becomes rapid and shallow, the brain fires bursts of electrical impulses from nowhere to nowhere, and secretions spit out of every gland, and the muscles tense and spasm like you're lifting three times your body weight. It's violent. It's ugly. And it's messy. And if God hadn't made it unbelievably fun, the human race would have died out eons ago. Men are lucky they can only have one orgasm. You know that women can have an hour-long orgasm?
  • House deducing from one clinic patient's embarrassment and inability to sit down that there's something stuck inside his butt. House assures him that he won't be shocked. Turns out an MP3 player is in there. Cue long Beat from House.
    House: Is it...Is it because of the size, or the shape? Or is it the pounding bass line?
  • The team's chagrin at the end when, after initially looking otherwise, they find out House was right after all about it being a pharmacist's mistake.
• "Maternity":
  • A clinic comes in complaining of symptoms. House diagnoses her with a parasite.
    House: Now, don't worry. Many women learn to embrace this parasite. They name it, dress it up in tiny clothes, arrange playdates with other parasites. ...It has your eyes.
• "Damned if You Do":
  • A nun with an ordinary rash on her hands thinks she's been blessed with stigmata. The matron who accompanied her actually thanks House for giving them a secular diagnosis, much to his surprise.
    "Doctor House, if I break my leg, I believe it's for a reason. I believe God wanted me to break my leg. I also believe he wants me to put it in a cast."
  • Then "So there I was, in the clinic, drunk! I reach into the drawer, close my eyes, grab the first syringe I can find...!"
• "Poison":
  • Cameron: You really never did any drugs?
    Foreman: Now this is gonna be a racial thing.
    Cameron: Deflecting a personal question with a joke. Gee, who do I know that does that?
    Foreman: Yeah, I'm just like him. Except for the angry, bitter, pompous cripple part.
    Cameron: Maybe we should all pitch in and get you a nice cane. You've already got the matching gym shoes.
    • Foreman is later quietly distressed to see he and House are wearing the same shoes.
  • An 82-year-old woman is told that the syphilis she contracted in 1939 has recurred, and treatment is a two-week course of penicillin.
    "I guess for the next two weeks I'd better practice safe sex."
  • The woman in question's case is a trove of laughs, despite the circumstances. The syphilis gets noticed because it's progressed to her brain, causing a change in personality that she was the first to notice - specifically, she gets aroused much more easily than before, to the point of developing a huge crush on House and sending him a hilariously sappy poem. It crosses over into heartwarming by the end, when she tries to refuse the treatment because she knows she doesn't have long left and wants to spend her last few years feeling young and sexy, and House, with a rare smile on his face, informs her that the treatment isn't going to "fix" her brain, just stop it from getting worse.
    "You're brain-damaged. Doomed to feeling good for the rest of your life."
• "Cursed":
  • Near the beginning, when House talked to a stray Vicodin pill before swallowing it.
    House: There you are! Were you scared? Don't worry, you're home now. *gulp*
  • House debating whether to tell Chase about his dad's cancer.
    Wilson: On the other hand, there's the "do unto others" thingy.
    House: Well, then I should definitely tell him. I'd want to know.
    Wilson: You want to know everything. There's also the keeping your promises thingy.
    House: Oh, you never run out of thingies. Like that blonde thingy you were chatting up.
    Wilson: She's the hospital accountant! We were going over billing procedures!
    House: DOUBLE ENTRY BOOKKEEPING!!
  • When House is questioned on why he doesn't simply ask Drs. Chase about their relationship:
    House: You want to know how two chemicals interact, do you ask them? No, they're going to lie through their lying little chemical teeth. Throw them in a beaker and apply heat.
    Wilson: Even I don't like you.
    House: Hey, words can hurt!
  • House's comeback here:
    Chase: How would you feel if I interfered in your personal life?
    House: I'd hate it. That's why I very cleverly have no personal life.
  • "Baffling. Though I vaguely recall a disease called noomonia? Noomania?"
  • "Tiny unicorns goring his bronchial tubes would be cooler."
• "Control":
  • Vogler and House first interact in House's office, where Vogler turns off House's iPod right as the drum solo from "Baba O'Riley" kicks in. After a tense conversation, House dramatically tells Vogler that the two men should stay out of each others' way, and with a flourish, turns his iPod back on....which starts playing "Hava Nagila".
    House: (rolling his eyes and hastily switching off the iPod) That wasn't nearly as dramatic as I was hoping.
• "Role Model":
  • Wilson deduces that House redid the HIV test because Senator Wright actually convinced him he wasn't lying about his sex life. He's positively giddy.
    Wilson: House, I believe you're a romantic. You didn't just believe him, you believed in him. Do you want to come over tonight and watch old movies and cry?
  • House wants to cut open the patient's spleen for the diagnosis.
    Cuddy: In the senator's condition, a spleen biopsy could easily cause sepsis and kill him.
    House: Why do you do this to me? Now if I kill him, I can't tell the judge I had no idea of the risks involved.
    Foreman: His brain is turning into mush, and he's at risk for more infections. We have to do it.
    House: See, that'll sound much better in court.
  • House's "endorsement" speech for one of Vogler's products doubles as a Crowning Moment of Funny and Crowning Moment of Awesome.
• "Kids":
  Cuddy: Good coffee? The rest of this hospital is busting its tail, and you're—
  [House holds up a folder between his eyes and her low-cut blouse]
  Cuddy: What are you doing?
  House: Trying to think of anything except the produce department at Whole Foods.
• "Love Hurts":
  • House, Wilson, and a random patient are sitting in the exam room watching a baseball game while a bunch of people wait outside. Then the patient and Wilson start teasing House about his love life: "She's making you do her?!"
  • Made even better when House leaves the exam room and Wilson and the patient can be heard singing "House and Cameron, sitting in a tree." House's response? "Grow up. And learn to harmonize."
• In the crowded lobby:
  Cuddy: I wanna run something by you.
  House: [loudly] I will not have sex with you! [people stare] Not again! It was miserable that first time, all that desperate administrative need.
• From a S1 episode:
  Wilson: You can be a real jerk sometimes, you know that?
  House: Yeah. And you're the good guy.
  Wilson: At least I try.
  House: As long as you're trying to be good, you can do whatever you want.
  Wilson: And as long as you're not trying, you can say whatever you want.
  House: So between us, we can do anything. We can rule the world!
  Wilson: We can release a single.

Season 2

• "Acceptance" has House sarcastically snark "Ruh roh!" when he and Stacy are suddenly confronted by a furious Cuddy for going well beyond what she cleared with a death row inmate patient. His delivery really sells it.
• "Autopsy":
  • This gem:
    House: Is it still illegal to perform an autopsy on a living person?
    Cuddy: Are you high?
    House: If it's Tuesday, I'm wasted.
    Cuddy: It's Wednesday.
  • The clinic patient:
    "My new girlfriend had never been with a guy who wasn't circumcised..."
    • Followed by House's reaction to the... amateur surgery.
• In "Humpty Dumpty", House takes Foreman and Chase with him to search Cuddy's house. He pulls out a credit card and bets them twenty bucks he can get through the door in twenty seconds. They each accept, and he moves a planter to reveal a hidden key. The looks on their faces is classic.
• "TB or not TB":
  • House has Foreman work on the weekly side patient in his stead (complete with his name-tag). When the patient complains about how rude "Dr. House" was, Cuddy demands that House apologize to her by the end of the day. House exploits the fact that the patient doesn't know who he is and that he's a cripple to milk some sympathy out of her, while making it look like an apology in front of Cuddy.
    (House walks past the patient and stubs their foot with his cane)
    Patient: Ow!
    House: [faking a shocked expression] Oh my goodness, are you okay?
    Patient: [notices cane] Yeah.
    (Cuddy walks past)
    House: I'm SO sorry, it was completely my fault.
    Patient: It's nothing, I'm fine.
    House: I-I'm very relieved, I feel terrible.
    Patient: Please, don't worry about it; I'm fine.
    House: You sure?
    Patient: Mhm.
    (A few seconds later)
    Cuddy: How's everything?
    Patient: I'm gonna go, my foot's killing me.
    Cuddy: Oh, what did you do-
    Patient: Oh, it's nothing. It was all my fault.
  • After Sebastian decides to refuse treatment to bring attention to the epidemic in Africa, House starts getting phone calls from the media, and finally answers one: "In my opinion, Dr. Sebastian Charles is an idiot. Yeah, you can quote me. C-U-D-D-Y." Chase and even Foreman crack up at this.
  • Watching the event on TV, House notices Sebastian is sweating when he shouldn't be. He busts into the room and holds a camera light in Sebastian's face, and a cardiac arrest ensues. They get his heart going again, and because it's very important that everyone knows he's right, House sticks his face in the camera and tells them it's not TB. Cut to Wilson and Foreman calmly watching the whole thing (the latter is even eating chips). Wilson says, "Compelling television," and Foreman nods.
• "Spin":
  • During DD:
    House: What makes a guy start drooling? [pause] Chase, were you wearing your short shorts?
  • House gives the patient an injection.
    House: You are healed. Rise and walk.
    Jeff: Are you insane?
    House: In the bible, they just say, "Yes, Lord," and then start right in on the praising.
    • Turns out the shot wasn't a permanent fix, it was just to prove the diagnosis right. It wears off, and Jeff flops comically onto the floor.
      House: This is exactly why I created nurses. Clean-up on aisle three!
• "Hunting":
  • House vs. the Rat
  • This bit with Wilson:
    Wilson: Who knows what else he has; parasites? Bacterial infection?
    House: The kid doesn't have parasites.
    Wilson: Not the kid, the rat!
    House: Was he still sweating?
    Wilson: Rats only sweat through their tails.
    House: Not the rat, the dad!
  • Mark walks in on House and Stacy washing dishes. House says "It's not what it looks like. I know it looks like we're washing dishes, but we're actually having sex!"
• "The Mistake":
  • House claims he convinced Ayersman by telling him he's the best transplant surgeon in the hospital. Stacy isn't convinced:
    Stacy: And this was right before you ran the marathon, I suppose?
    House: Was it the part where he warmly clasped my hands in thanks? Was that too much?
  • How House actually convinced Ayersman is through a failed bribe before revealing he knows about Ayersman's numerous affairs:
    House: Now I've got an OR booked for 4 this afternoon, are you free?
    [Ayersman nods resignedly]
    House: Hm. Oh, and for the record, you are the worst transplant surgeon in this hospital, but unfortunately, you're the only one currently cheating on his wife.
  • It's then revealed House sent the letter to Ayersman's wife anyway.
    House: Apparently someone sent an anonymous letter to his wife.
    Stacy: You blackmailed Ayersman, he performed the surgery and you ratted him out anyway?!
    House: Doesn't seem fair, does it?
  • Cuddy appoints Foreman as House's new supervisor, and Wilson says, "I guess I'm his best friend now."
• "Deception":
  • House sees a clinic patient who is experiencing vaginal irritation because she "recently switched to the jelly."
    House: You have an infection. Gonna need a sample. [starts to take a swab from her vagina]
    Patient: I brought the jar. [reaching into her bag to take it out]
    House: No, I meant a sample of your— [looks up to see a jar of strawberry jelly] ...Okay. We have a neurological problem here.
    Patient: There's something wrong with my brain...?
    House: [Beat] Oh, yeah.
    • With a bit of Funny Background Event in that the nurse assisting House has a look on her face showing that she completely agrees with him.
    • Then this:
      House: Okay, I'm gonna give you some antibiotics, and you probably shouldn't have sex for a while.
      Patient: How long?
      House: On an evolutionary basis, I'd recommend forever.
• From "Need to Know"
  • Outside Wilson's office door:
    House: [to Wilson] I know you're in there! I can hear you caring!
  • And also "Cameron, I love you." [her mouth drops open, House takes swab] "Get your test results tomorrow."
• "Distractions":
  • House is treating a young teen with very understanding and open-minded parents (let him smoke pot, makes sure he knows about safe sex, etc). He eventually discovers that his illness is partly related to cigarette smoking, which his parents DO get incensed over.
    House: Bad news, your son has a filthy, unhealthy habit. Good news, he's trying to quit. Bad news, quitting is killing him. Good news, I can cure him. Bad news... no, that's the end of it.
  • The boy is also brought in originally because of third degree burns from a motorcycle accident. How does House prevent the burns from getting infected? Maggots, which suck up all the bacteria^note They work because A. They only eat dead tissue, leaving living tissue alone, and B. are so small and light that they don't cause any further damage when they move around. Cameron's face as she applies them to the boy's torso is priceless.
• "Skin Deep":
  • When they're first discussing the patient, a young supermodel, we get this exchange.
    Chase: She's never menstruated. Sounds like a symptom of drug addiction to me.
    Cameron: Or bulimia, or her age. Some girls don't start till their mid to late teens.
    House: Evidence to the contrary; the rounded hips, the perfectly sculpted bountiful breasts.
    Chase: Implants. I've seen some of her photos. They've grown dramatically since last summer.
    House: Symptomatic of turning 14. Two clinic hours says that those "love apples" are hand-crafted by God.
    Foreman: I thought you didn't believe in God.
    House: I do now.
    Chase: You're on! (Fist bumps with House)
  • This exchange with House inside the MRI machine:
    Wilson: [via the mic in the MRI] HOUSE. THIS IS GOD.
    House: Look, I'm a little busy right now. Not supposed to talk during these things. Got time Thursday?
    Wilson: LET ME CHECK... OHH, I GOT A PLAGUE. WHAT ABOUT FRIDAY?
    House: [grinning] You'll have to check with Cameron.
    Wilson: OH, DAMMIT. SHE ALWAYS WANTS TO KNOW WHY BAD THINGS HAPPEN. LIKE I'M GONNA COME UP WITH A NEW ANSWER THIS TIME.
    [Cuddy enters]
    Cuddy: House...
    House: Quick, God, smite the evil witch!
    Cuddy: Are you sitting on evidence that your patient was sexually abused by her father?!
    House: God, why have you forsaken me?
  • House's leg pain has recently gotten worse, and with no evidence of a physical cause, Wilson thinks it might be psychological, due to House's break-up with Stacy. House dismisses this.
    Wilson: Right. Giant coincidence that you've gone completely off the rails since she left. Inducing migraines, worsening leg pain—
    [House whacks Wilson in the shin with his cane; Wilson screams and doubles over in pain]
    House: Aww. You miss Stacy too?
• "Sex Kills":
  • "We're gonna cure death?"
  • The subplot with Tony, the clinic patient who claims to have a thing for cows. ALL OF IT.
  Tony: ...I love cows.
  House: (Beat as he immediately goes for his medicine bottle and pops a couple Vicodin)
• "Clueless":
  • Several exchanges between House and Wilson when Wilson moves in with his BFF.
    House: You blow-dry your hair?
    Wilson: Sorry, did I wake you up?
    House: You blow-dry your hair?
  • Followed by...
    Wilson: Enjoying the salad?
    House: There's no lettuce.
    Wilson: I'm aware that there's no lettuce. Do you know when I obtained this knowledge? When I made it. For myself!
    House: How was I supposed to know?
    Wilson: Well, I was hoping [shows a post-it note on the cover saying MY LUNCH DO NOT TOUCH!!] this might tip you off...
• "Safe":
  • Foreman starts to write on the board. House grabs the marker and says, "Sorry. There's a reason they call it the whiteboard."
  • Foreman gets a good comeback in a minute later when House is stumped. "You wanna give me that black marker?"
  • House putting Wilson's hand in a bowl of warm water as he sleeps on the couch.
  • House's cane suddenly breaks. Completely deadpan, Wilson says, "Wow. Looks like somebody filed halfway through your cane while you were sleeping."
  • As they sit together on the couch, Wilson says, "You might not want to sit exactly there."
• In "Sleeping Dogs Lie", House's clinic patient is a woman who only speaks Chinese, accompanied by her Chinese-American daughter who wants birth control pills and tries to claim that the mother is the one who needs them. House diagnoses her with "Stupid American Child" (along with a cold), and gives her prescriptions for both cold medication and the birth control pills. Later, the woman returns, complaining of enlarged breasts. House is dumbfounded at the girl's stupidity for mixing up the prescriptions, and the girl explains to her mother in Mandarin that House prescribed the wrong medication, which he fixes...and then tells the woman in perfect Mandarin, "Congratulations! You're going to be a grandmother!"
• "House vs. God":
  • Boyd, the teenage faith healer, goes through this whole spiel about how people should go to faith healers instead of doctors. When he collapses, he immediately requests a doctor.
  • "Gotta go. Building full of sick people. If I hurry, maybe I can avoid them."
• "Euphoria":
  • There's an interesting scene where House performs an MRI scan on a cadaver he shot in the face with a .38 bullet, just to see if he can safely perform such a scan on a patient with their own bullet fragments. The look on everyone's faces when they realize House has blown up the corpse's skull and ruined the MRI machine — just before said ruined machine shorts out the lighting — will have you howling with laughter.
  • Even better, earlier in the same episode, just after shooting said cadaver, another doctor walks in on House and sees him with the gun (having heard a loud noise) and the corpse, upon which House says, "I shot him. He's dead." Absolutely brilliant.
  • Best part is House's lines during the MRI scene. After Cuddy barges in and yells at him first for shooting the corpse and using it for this "test"
    House: You're mad that I put a bullet in the guy's head. Worst case scenario, all I'm going to do is take it out.
  • After the bullet flies out and breaks the machine:
    House: Oops, my bad.
  • And then later in the episode, when the patient begins bleeding from his bullet wounds, Foreman starts laughing. Everyone is shocked. He then says, "What? Nobody else finds this funny?" That whole episode has a lot of Black Comedy going on for certain viewers...
  • Part 2, while mostly relatively sombre and generally depressing, tossed in a gem or two. Example:
    Foreman: I'd rather be disabled than dead.
    House: Yes, I make it look oh-so-sexy. It's actually not as glamorous as it seems.
  • Later in the same episode, House is bringing Foreman's father into Cuddy's office to guilt-trip her:
    Cuddy: House, uh, what is this?
    House: He's not a what, he's a who! They even have the right to vote now!
  • Two other examples from the same episode: Cameron tells Foreman there's no need for him to be mean, even though he's in pain. Cameron says "House is in pain." Foreman's response: "He's a delight."
    • Then when House is talking to Foreman's dad.
      Mr. Foreman: My son says you're a manipulative bastard.
      House: It's a nickname. We call him Doctor Bling.
  • In the clinic, House whips up a veritable storm (including pop cultural references) of puns to explain to a worried mother that her child does in fact not have epilepsy.
    House: In actuality, all your little girl is doing is saying yoo-hoo to the hoo-hoo.
    Mother: She's what?
    House: Marching the penguin. Ya-ya-ing the sisterhood. Finding Nemo.
  • The mother's goes from self-diagnosing her daughter and barely hiding her excitement at the notion of having a daughter she can tell everyone about and score sympathy points with, to horrified as she finds out her kid's condition is something she doesn't want anyone to find out about.
• In "Who's Your Daddy?" Cuddy says to House, "The guy who brought the girl in says he knows you. I thought I'd met all your friend."
• The DVDs of Season 2 contain in their bonus materials a re-take of a scene called "The Angry Valley Girl Version" of an argument between Dr. Cameron and Dr. Cuddy. Hilarity does indeed ensue.

Season 3

• "Cane and Able":
  • There is this exchange between House and Foreman as regards a high def television:
    House: Foreman, you gotta steal this thing for me.
    Foreman: Let me ring up one of the homies.
  • Also his continuing assertion throughout the episode that Cuddy is pregnant because her breasts are firmer.
  • Foreman insults Chase during the differential, so House tells Chase to take a break to figure out a comeback. Chase stays silent for the rest of the session and at the end, pipes up with "Hey, Foreman. Yo mama's so fat, when her beeper goes off, people think she's backin' up." And the other doctors' faces, which range from disgust to pity, just make it.
  • Not to mention the "gangsta" hand gestures Chase attempts as he does it.
• "Lines in the Sand":
  • The PoW is an autistic boy with no symptoms other than he screamed.
    Foreman: I had a date last night. She screamed. Should we spend $100,000 testing her?
    House: Of course not. This isn't a veterinary hospital. Zing!
  • In the same episode:
    House: I want my old carpet back.
    Cuddy: It was stained with blood.
    House: Yeah, my blood. Which makes the carpet part of me. I want it back. I want to be buried with it.
  • ATTICA! ATTICA! ATTICA!
  • "YOU CAN'T STOP OUR LOVE!!!"
  • Trying to convince House that Ali is crazy, Cuddy claims the girl showed up at her house and came onto her. House doesn't buy it.
    Cuddy: She has a mole on her right breast, just below the nipple.
    House: No, she doesn't.
    Cuddy: You've seen her breasts?!
    House: It was a medical exam. I was listening to her heart. It went, "Greg-House, Greg-House, Greg-House."
  • And House quoting Bogart's monologue at the end of Casablanca to "break up" with the girl, complete with her looking confused when he says she belongs with Victor (Lazlo).
  • Also the bit of physical comedy: after he's taken the gas to calm the kid down, House gets up and promptly crashes into a cart on his way out of the room.
  • After spending much of the episode bouncing around the hospital for differentials, where does House eventually lead his team into holding one? In the chapel. Complete with him playing the part of a Southern preacher.
    House: [in exaggerated southern accent] Come on in, brothers and sister! Welcome to the house of the Lord!
    Cameron: House, come on. The chapel?
    House: We have been blessed with the miracle of a new symptom. [points his cane at Chase] Brother, can you testify as to why this poor child's eyeball rolled back into his head?
    Chase: It's consistent with jimson weed poisoning. Ocular paralysis. [whispering to a man leaving the chapel] Sorry.
    House: The wicked shall deceive me, because they have turned from the Lord, [dropping the accent] and are idiots. His ocular muscle didn't paralyze, it pirouetted.
    Cameron: MS.
    House: [back to the accent] It is easier for a wise man to gain access to Heaven—
    Cameron: Will you stop doing that?! Just say "not MS"!
  • House does his usual "stop the operation" bit, but bursts into the wrong operating theatre:
    House: HEY! Don't touch his eye!
    Surgeon: This is an appendectomy.
    [Beat]
    House: Like I said. Don't touch his eye.
• In "Fools for Love":
  • While Cameron is trying to discuss the case, House is more interested in the woman Wilson is talking to, resulting in a few funny exchanges:
    House: Seen her here before?
    Cameron: [with a completely straight face] Couple times. I tried to follow her home, but she gave me the slip.
    [Cameron attempts to continue talking about the case, and House walks out]
  • After House returns, interrupting Cameron's sentence for the third time:
    Cameron: Swelling is—
    House: Why is she hanging around here?
    Cameron: Anyone interested in what happened with the swelling?
    House: She's in ped's...
  • Followed by:
    House: If he's not hitting that, then why is she here?
    Cameron: Because I'm hitting that, and it's totally hot. [goes back to talking about case as House briefly loses his train of thought]
  • Jeremy apparently comes down with the same condition as Tracy.
    Cameron: Married couple, same disease. They either got it from each other or in the same place.
    House: Infectious or environmental. All we have to do is check out parasites, viruses, bacteria, fungi, prions, radiation, toxins, chemicals, or it's internet porn-related. I'll check the internet, you guys cover the rest of the stuff.
• "One Day, One Room":
  • One clinic patient stands out. House comments on how thoroughly groomed the patient's nose hairs are.
    Patient: Good grooming is important.
    House: [looks at his rumpled clothes] Was that a shot?
    Patient: People do judge you on your appearance. When you entered, I noted your shirt hadn't been pressed, you hadn't shaved in quite some time. I extrapolated you were a person for whom detail was not a major concern. I was worried you might apply that same standard to your work.
    House: Do you use toenail clippers up there?
    Patient: They're longer, so they allow me to better reach the upper hairs.
    House: I am wearing a rumpled shirt and forgot to brush my hair this week. You've got athlete's foot in your nose. I'm ready to be judged.
  • This quick exchange with Marco the pharmacist when a patient starts running around and screaming in the waiting room:
    Marco: Should I get a sedative?
    House: No, I'm good, thanks.
• "Needle in a Haystack":
  • The patient keeps developing new problems.
    Foreman: We plug one hole and end up poking another.
    House: We talking about the patient or how to get a raise from Cuddy?
  • The diagnosis is funny in its own right. The patient accidentally ingested a toothpick, which went undigested and pierced his intestines during a makeout session with his girlfriend.
• "Insensitive":
  • House gets into a pissing match with a patient with congenital insensitivity to pain.
    House: You can't feel pain! Nothing left but pleasure. Why don't you tell me how wonderful that is?
    Hannah: It sucks.
    House: Better than being in pain all the time. Get in the chair.
    Hannah: Every morning, I have to check my eyes to make sure I didn't scratch a cornea in my sleep!
    House: Oh god, stop. I'm in a pool of tears here.
    Hannah: I can't cry!
    House: Neither can I. Every morning, I check my eyes for jaundice, in case the Vicodin's finally shot my liver.
    Hannah: I can't run anywhere without examining all my toes for swelling.
    House: I can't run.
    Hannah: Boys can't hold me for too long, because I can overheat.
    House: Girls can't hold me for too long because I only pay for an hour.
    Hannah: I need an alarm on my watch to remind me to go to the bathroom. Know how many humiliating experiences before I thought of that?
    House: Bathroom's fifty feet from my office. Every drink of water, I weigh the pros and cons.
    Hannah: After everything I do, I self-check: mouth, tongue, gums for cuts, count teeth, check temperature, fingers, toes and joints for swelling, skin for bruises.
    House: I got shot.
    [Beat]
    Hannah: I sat on a stove when I was three. Wanna see the coil marks?
    House: Yeah!
    Hannah: You think I'm lying?
    House: What, you think I just wanna check out your tuchus, as your people would say?
  • And that last turns out to be a trick so he can sedate her.
• A little later, Foreman barges into House's office.

  Foreman: [The patient]'s gonna jump off the lobby balcony.

  House: ...you think I can catch her?

• House finally identifies the culprit, a tapeworm, which he promptly cuts out of Hannah. Without anesthetic. As an awed nurse takes a picture on her phone.
• "Half-Wit":
  • The team discovers that House has been diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. As the episode goes on, each of them tries to talk to House about it. He simply rebuffs and ridicules their attempts while trying to refocus them on the case. Wilson is first, then Cameron, then Foreman, all getting very touchy-feely... finally Chase comes into House's office and House asks if it's his turn. Chase's response is a firm, decisive "I'm sorry you're dying. I'm going to hug you." He then gets a long hug in while House is too puzzled to protest.
  • Later, House gets Cuddy to hug him...so he can grope her.
    House: One small feel for man, one giant ass for mankind.
    • Then House starts to follow Cuddy back to her bedroom, and without turning around, she says, "Call the Make-A-Wish Foundation."
• In "Fetal Position", Foreman, Chase, and Cameron are crowded around something in the lab, staring at it in fascination.
  Foreman: This is definitely different.
  [cut to reveal photo of House their photographer patient took]
  Chase: It looks almost like...
  Cameron: ...he's caring.
• "Airborne":
  • As they return from a business trip, Cuddy complains about the $500 tab House ran up at the hotel on food, champagne, and porn, expenses she can't justify. When they board the plane, House is directed to his first class seat, but Cuddy finds she has been downgraded, saving $500.
  • When the passenger across from House gets sick, the flight attendant asks if anyone is a doctor. House says, "Yes, I'll go get her." Then he takes his ribeye and wine and pretends he was never planning to leave Cuddy suffering in coach, and switches with her.
  • When House tries to give instructions to Peng, he runs into a language barrier.
    House: Nobody speak Korean on this flight?
    Cuddy: I assumed you did.
    House: I know how to ask him if his sister's over eighteen. I don't think that's gonna help.
• "Act Your Age":
  • The latest in the annals of stupid clinic patients. A guy comes in, says his symptoms, claims he can't urinate except at home, and comes back. House deduces that the patient is acting as a stand-in for a friend who doesn't have insurance. It's a free clinic.
    Patient: Am I okay? Is it diabetes?
    House: No. You're pregnant.
    • Sadly, the situation itself is not funny or stupid at all, but a cruel side-effect of The USA's pre-Obamacare system of health insurance: Insurers had the right to charge exorbitant premiums for people who had pre-existing conditions (and they did, because of what economists call adverse selection: Insuring people likely to actually need medical care was less profitable than insuring only those people least likely to need it). Even worse, if you somehow did get coverage, they could root through your medical history and find excuses to retroactively rescind it. Hence, the temptation to lie.
  • Not believing the case is worthwhile at first, House goes home and tells the team to check everything while the PoW is in surgery. Foreman and Cameron spend the night doing just that, while Chase goes home to sleep. The next morning, after it's clear the case is interesting, House calls the former idiots for having nothing to show, just a bunch of things the problem isn't. Chase walks in, fresh as a daisy, with the pathology report from the patient's surgery, providing useful information and getting praise from House. The reactions are the best.
  • "Panty hamster get a spin on its wheel?!"
  • This one is really in Hugh Laurie's delivery.
    Wilson: It is possible to have a friend of the opposite sex.
    House: Blasphemer!
  • After Wilson and Cuddy go to a play together, Cuddy sends him flowers with a somewhat suggestive card. When he sees her, he flees like his ass is on fire.
    House: How was the play, Mrs. Lincoln?
    Cuddy: What's up with Wilson?
    House: He's just a little freaked.
    Cuddy: Why?
    House: I sent him flowers.
  • Wilson tricking House into believing he slept with Cuddy.
    House: Seriously?!
    Wilson: No. You're a jerk.
    House: Night, Wilson.
    Wilson: Night, House.
  • House goes to the kids' daycare to see if anyone else is going through puberty.
    House: [to a little girl, with the absolute creepiest look on his face] Do you have hair on your special place?
• "House Training": House gives the team tests to run and says, "You won't find anything, but I'll get the office to myself. There's a lot of porn piling up on the internet. Doesn't download itself."
• "Resignation":
  • When House spikes Wilson's coffee with amphetamines, Wilson almost doesn't take the bait simply because House bought him a cup of coffee and this clues him in that something funny is going on.
    House: Must you always suspect me of something?
    Wilson: It's either that, or I accept the fact that you've done something nice. And then I have to deal with the horsemen and the rain of fire and the end of days.
    • The punchline, of course, is that Wilson falls for it anyway, by taking House's cup of coffee... and House offered him the undoctored one.
  • House hits on the nutritionist girlfriend of a clinic patient, and she applies for a job.
    Wilson: Oh, god, she's 26.
    House: With the wisdom of a much younger woman.
  • And the interview he has with a patient afterward...
  • And Wilson confronting House about it afterwards.
    Wilson: I'm not on antidepressants, I'm on speed!
  • Cameron wakes House up when he doesn't answer the phone. She asks him, concerned, "What did you do?" Hilariously, House hasn't done anything. As he replies, "This is how regular people look when you wake them up."
• In "The Jerk", Foreman's beeper goes off, and House guesses it's Cuddy.
  House: Sounded like someone with back.
• "Human Error"
  • Chase points out that Cameron quit, but House got her to come back.
    House: Foreman's not as easy as Cameron, but of course, who is?
    [camera zooms to Cameron sitting on the other side of the table, who slams down the file she's holding and looks annoyed]
    Cameron: I'm in the room!
  • Another gem:
    [House is listening to "Slippery When Wet" by The Commodores whilst air-guitaring on his flaming cane and singing along]
    [Foreman and Cameron walk in, House switches off the music]
    Cameron: Why'd you fire Chase?
    House: Sure thing, first you tell me the results of the PET scan.
    Foreman: Did you fire him for me?
    House: Would you stay if I did?
    Cameron: You asked him to fire Chase?
    Foreman: No!
    House: Yes.
    Cameron: You're frustrated with Foreman, so you lash out? Kick the Dog?
    House: He's not gone 5 minutes and the name-calling starts. What's on the PET scan?
    [Cuddy walks in]
    Cuddy: Why'd you fire Chase?
    House: Do you know what's on the PET scan?
    Cuddy: You two, out. [Foreman and Cameron exit]
    House: Whoa, wait! What's on the PET scan?
    Cuddy: You can't dump your entire department just because you don't know how to deal with an issue.
    House: Yes, they are all irreplaceable. If only this country had figured out a way to somehow teach people to interpret PET scans.
    [Wilson bursts in]
    Wilson What the hell is wrong with you? You fired Chase?
    House: I don't suppose you know what's on my patient's PET scan?
    Wilson: I told you to show Foreman you have a heart, how does that translate to you being a bastard?
    House: So that's a no?
    Cuddy: Pick up the phone, and tell Chase you made a mistake. Un-fire him.
    House: [calls Chase]] Chase. If you know what's on the PET scan, call me back. [hangs up]
    Wilson: Cut the crap.
    Cuddy: Chase is a good doctor.
    House: Sorry, you're in the wrong room. My name on the door, my team, my decisions.
    Cuddy: My building, my floor, my people.
    [the phone rings]
    House: Hold that reprimand. House. Doctor Chase, how are ya? [beat] Thank you, you are indispensable. Um, you're still fired, sorry. [hangs up] Wow, that was awkward. PET scan revealed a blood clot in my patient's arm, which means goodbye. Still got two people working for me, got to get one of them to do my job. [he walks out]

Season 4

• "Alone":
  • When Cuddy is trying to get House to hire a new diagnostic team:
    Cuddy: Have you even interviewed anybody?
    House: You test-drive a car before you buy it, you have sex before you get married. I can't hire a team based on a ten-minute interview. What if I don't like having sex with them? [performs what can only be described as the guitar equivalent of a rimshot]
  • Cuddy disconnects the guitar from the amp.
    Cuddy: You've spent the last two weeks doing absolutely nothing. Concert is over.
    House: In what twisted universe does mastering Eddie Van Halen's two-handed arpeggio technique count as absolutely nothing?
  • House drafts the poor janitor into acting as his "team".
  • House tricking Wilson into coming along to break into the patient's house.
  • House discovers the patient's secret diary.
    House: It's basically a list of her sexual encounters. Boys, girls, vibrating appliances...
    Wilson: If it was, you'd be quoting, not summarizing.
  • House theorizes the patient is on MAOIs for depression.
    Wilson: So all you have to do is convince this kid that his girlfriend had a secret doctor, and a secret stash, and a secret life. It's been a while since a patient took a swing at you. Can I watch?
  • House enters his office to find his guitar gone and a cut-and-paste letter posted to the wall. The phone rings and House picks up.
    House: Wilson, you idiot.
    Wilson: [electronic voice] Listen carefully and no one will get hurt. [House puts the phone down and grabs his cane] You must follow these instructions. [in Wilson's office] Any attempt to contact the FBI or other law enforcement agencies or Cuddy will be met with— [House storms in] —and a large Coke. No ice.
    House: Give it back.
    Wilson: What happened? Did someone... kidnap your guitar? A $12,000 1967 Flying V? Or something?
    House: Where'd you hide it?
    Wilson: I'm flattered you would consider me this bold and brilliant.
    House: No, 'cause it takes a cri— [notices Wilson's pretending to read a newspaper with bits cut out] It takes a criminal mastermind to pull off a heist from an unlocked, unguarded room down the hall. What do you want?
    Wilson: Me? Nothing. But I'm sure the kidnapper wants what every kidnapper wants: To see you interview five to seven well-qualified fellowship candidates.
  • Wilson gets a page which turns out to be fake. Quickly realizing who and why, he calls his own hotel room, where House is doing a search.
    House: What is El Fuego del Amor and why do you need ten of them?
    Wilson: It's a... It's a telenovela. I'm learning Spanish.
    House: Say adios.
    Wilson: Are you erasing my TiVo?! House, not the season finale!
    House: I don't negotiate with terrorists. I smoke them out of their hidey-holes.
    Wilson: Do you know what terrorists do when you don't negotiate? They terrorize.
    House: Bring... it... on. [tosses hotel phone out the window]
  • This bit:
    Wilson: You ever tighten a guitar string really, really slowly? Past the point it can handle the strain? It makes this weird sound, almost like a scream. "E-EEEEEEEEEEEE-EE"
  • Wilson tries to dig down to the real reason House won't hire a team (after all, he could ignore them).
    House: I have become a man of principle. I've gotten smarter. What answer will make Socrates shut up?
  • House ups the ante by stealing one of Wilson's patients, moving him to a different room.
    House: If you feel sick, you call me directly, not Dr. Wilson. He's getting his last set of hormone shots.
  • At the end, the case is solved, and House sits with his back to the door. When he hears it open:
    House: I did it all by myself, Mommy.
    Janitor: You talking to me?
    House: Go away. [janitor leaves, the door opens again a few seconds later] I did it all by myself, Mommy.
    Cuddy: How'd you know it was me?
    House: There's a scent given off by wounded, feral cats.
• "The Right Stuff":
  • Three of the candidates are giving House their report while he's on the computer. One of them stares at the screen.
    House: Got a problem with the naked female form?
    Woman: Not at all.
    Thirteen: Maybe she's just not used to seeing it spooning with the naked dolphin form.
    House: That's not a dolphin. It's a porpoise. There is a difference, you know. Salary, for one thing.
    Thirteen: You want us to give you a minute?
  • You laughed at the defibrillator-fireball too, admit it!
  • The twins start arguing about diagnoses, and House says, "Stop it! This argument is distracting every male and lesbian here."
  • Taub's response to being caught in a House-devised lie:
    Cuddy: [in her most dangerous tone of voice] Who is she?!
    Taub: ...Osama Bin Laden.
• "97 Seconds":
  • "If your sex organs dangle, you're the Confederates. If your sex organs are aesthetically pleasing, you're the Yanks."
  • The nicknames House gives the candidates: Cutthroat Bitch, Big Love, Fat Twin, Ridiculously Old Fraud, and Overly Excited Former Foster Kid.
  • This:
    House: HEY, WILSON! I'm gonna go cut some cripple's eye out! Wanna come watch?
    Wilson: Good times.
• "Guardian Angels"
  • When the newbies are ordered to dig up a dead body, Kutner looks positively jazzed.
  • Dr. Cuddy meeting Amber, unaware of what the latter wants:
    Amber: I'm Amber Volakis, one of Dr. House's new fellows...
    Cuddy: [instantly frowns; deadpan] Sexual harassment complaints go through HR, stress-related leave through Workers' Comp, any accusations of criminal activities go directly to the Princeton-Plainsboro police department.
  • After the gravedigging adventure:
    Cuddy: The doctor's lounge is covered in mud.
    House: Thirteen and Cutthroat Bitch had a disagreement, and the cafeteria was out of Jello.
  • There's a little bet between House and Cameron as to whether his needling will provoke a reaction from Cole.
    House: Big Love, have I humiliated you in the last half hour?
    Cole: No.
    House: Check your email.
• "Mirror Mirror":
  • House decides to make Cuddy's life miserable until she fires Foreman.
    House: [stands on chair in cafeteria] Uh, ladies and gentlemen, I have a regrettable announcement. The kitchen has just learned that our annual shipment of mayonnaise was improperly stored, so anybody who ate... well, the food should head across the lobby to the clinic right away. Ask for Doctor Cuddy.
    [People start heading for the door]
    Foreman: You're not punishing Cuddy, you're punishing every doctor in the building.
    House: It's her building, her doctors.
    Foreman: [stands on chair] The mayo is fine. You can stay where you are. I'm a doctor.
    [People pause]
    House: Mail order. I've seen the diplomas. Two "n"s in "University".
    [People resume heading for the door]
  • Later, the clinic is still swamped with people.
    Taub: You risking our patient's life to get back at Cuddy?
    House: What? No. That would be childish. This is what I'm doing to get back at Cuddy. [raises voice] Who here doesn't have any health insurance? [a number of patients raise their hands] Tch. Michael Moore was right. MRIs, PET scans, neuro-psych tests, private rooms for all these patients. Fight the power!
  • After Cuddy replaces House's Vicodin with laxatives, "I know when my Vicodin isn't Vicodin. Do you know when your birth control pills aren't birth control pills?" Cue Cuddy's horrified reaction.
  • House tells Foreman he got him a job in Boston.
    House: It's simple math. I'm not gonna back down, you're not gonna back down, Cuddy's not gonna back down. No one's gonna be happy here. And Cuddy's gonna end up pregnant.
    Foreman: ...What?
  • Since the patient who mimics the person he thinks is in charge, House and Cuddy compete to have him copy them.
    Cuddy: Hi. I'm the Dean of Medicine.
    House: Hi. I'm the guy who saved your life.
    Cuddy: I can fire him. I can fire him now. I can fire him tomorrow. I don't even need a reason.
    House: She doesn't fire me, she never will fire me, she needs me.
    Cuddy: He's a good doctor. That's all. I respect his expertise, and I...
    House: She's hot for me. Always...
    Patient: Shut up!
    Cuddy: Well, that could have been either of us.
    Patient: [looks at Cuddy] You have great yabos.
    Cuddy: Still could have been either of us.
    • House's end zone dance after is a thing of hilarity.
• "Whatever It Takes":
  • Cole asks if the food is House's breakfast. House replies that, technically, it's Wilson's lunch.
  • Kutner asks who the man in black is. House says, "We use the term 'life partner'."
  • Amber asks if she can have a kid, because she's working too hard. Taub makes the offer.
  Two minutes and some anti-nausea meds and I might take you up on it.
  • "Fifteen minutes for the lap dance, a half hour to scrub the guilt off my soul. See you in forty-five."
  • House tries to hit on Dr. Terzi. He offers her a job.
    House: You know, I happen to have a position available on my penis. [Beat] Wait a second—I think I screwed up that joke.^note The proper Double Entendre is "on my staff".
  • "You've gotta get down here. They've got a satellite aimed directly into Cuddy's vagina. I told them the chances of invasion are slim to none, but..."
• "Ugly":
  • In the opening scene after the title sequence, Cuddy and Chase are discussing the patient's treatment for a documentary, and then the camera pans over to House, who's just staring at the camera like he's never seen one before.
  • House isn't too pleased to have a camera following him around.
    Cuddy: You think I like the cameras? You think I want the whole world watching you check out my ass and question my wardrobe?
    House: Would it be better if I checked out your wardrobe and questioned your ass?
    Cuddy: A little part of me—
    House: There is no little part of you.
  • When House introduces the applicants to the camera crew, he tells them to join him for a walk. He then grabs the boom mic and justifies this:
  House: Walking looks good on camera. Gives the illusion of the story moving forward.
  • Wilson has some fun during his interview.
    Wilson: Well, it's great how he rebounded from that setback.
    Darnell: What setback?
    Wilson: He didn't tell you about the...? Well, it's his right. Records were sealed. Personally, I think he was just tapping his foot and reaching for the toilet paper. Obviously, it was a witch hunt.
    Darnell: Do you think they singled him out because...
    Wilson: No, literally a witch hunt. Dr. House is a practicing Wiccan. It's a beautiful religion. It's very caring.
  • House says, "I think I'm going blind." Wilson asks, "Hairy palms, too?"
  • This bit:
    Wilson: Where did you get those keys?
    House: Blue the janitor.
    Wilson: ...What?
    House: That's his name.
    Wilson: His name is Lou.
    House: I owe him an apology.
  • The Spanish dub used Baloo.
  • House calls the janitor "Blue" again three seasons later and is again corrected, this time by Cuddy, in "Fall From Grace".
  • At the end of the episode, House and Cuddy are watching an early copy of the documentary he was in, which edited his smartass remarks to make him seem like a caring doctor who always puts his patients first and treats his staff with utter respect. House looks completely mortified.
    Cuddy: [after watching the early copy, wiping away fake tears] It's difficult not to be moved.
    House: Oh, stop it. Suddenly I don't feel I can trust Michael Moore movies.
    Cuddy: Where are you going? Kittens to get out of trees, deaf kids to read to?
    House: I owe it to the world to make sure this evil never sees the light of day.
• "You Don't Want to Know":
  • This week's challenge:
    House: I need you to bring me the thong of Lisa Cuddy. [confused looks] Not kidding. Thong. Cuddy. Go.
    [all the new ducklings look toward Foreman]
    Foreman: It's how I got hired.
  • This:
    Foreman: Um, there's a guy bleeding—
    House: Foreman, she's not wearing any underwear! You used to be more fun.
    Foreman: She's not wearing any underwear, big deal. When she stops wearing clothes, then we can drop the medical stuff.
  • And this:
    Taub: Tularemia.
    Kutner: No, you'd have to have rabbits.
    Taub: [looking at a cage full of rabbits] True. Maybe a tick jumped from a rabbit and landed on one of these white, fluffy alligators.
• "Games":
  • It's pretty funny when Thirteen casually calls Cutthroat Bitch an idiot and points out that she left a smoking addict alone in the bathroom with an oxygen tank, right before the explosion.
  • Wilson's reaction to hearing punk rock music is to ask, "A profit-seeking entity released this?!"
  • "Dr. Cuddy, the face that launched a thousand long faces."
• "It's a Wonderful Lie":
  • House expresses doubt, to say the least, at the patient's claim that she's not on drugs.
    Thirteen: She's not a liar.
    House: Okay, this is gonna be a tough case. I have almost no knowledge of alien physiology.
  • Uncharacteristically, House takes the pro-lie position.
    House: Lies are like children. Hard work, but they're worth it, because the future depends on 'em.
    Wilson: You are so full of love...or something. When you care about someone—
    House: You lie to them! You pretend that their constant ponderous musings are interesting. You tell them that they're not losing their boyish good looks or becoming worn out and—
    Wilson: I stand corrected. And may I say it's been a real pleasure chatting with you.
  • House rigs the Secret Santa so everyone draws his name, to sow discord. Them finding out is fine with him, because he figures they'll argue over what to do about it, which they do.
    Wilson: Have you ever considered channeling your powers to, I don't know, bring peace to the mid-east?
    House: I couldn't do that.
    Wilson: But if they ever got it, you could screw it up?
    House: Yeah, that's more where my powers lie.
  • This exchange from when the team is trying to figure out where the bruises on the patient came from:
    Taub: Try bondage.
    House: I did once. She just tied me down and whined about how hard it is to be dean of medicine.
  • Later in that same episode, where House made a quick reference to his Fry and Laurie days while searching through the patient's e-mails:
    House: 4,300 saved e-mails and not a single mention of "lesbionic", "sanchez", or "man-gina".
  • After a conversation with Wilson about how he's screwing with his team through the Secret Santa, they walk off together.
    House: Where we going?
    Wilson: Nowhere, I just know this hurts you.
  • Convinced that the mother is at least telling lies of omission to her daughter, House asks the daughter what her mother's favorite sex position is. After initially deflecting it, she replies, "She used to like being on top, but now she likes being on her stomach so they don't stare at her scars." House's face is priceless.
  • A lot of House's clinic patients are One-Scene Wonders, but the best is the one House identifies as a prostitute based on her necklace, where he offers to (and follows through with) writing her pimp a note. She returns with marks around her neck and he correctly identifies that she's in a donkey show. Despite this, he's almost flirting with her the entire time and she concludes the visit by telling him to drop by sometime.
    • ...made even more hilarious by the reveal when House does stop by; she's playing Mary in a church Nativity pageant, the rash was from the donkey she rode, and the necklace, while being the patron saint of prostitutes, is also that of several other things.
• "Frozen":
  • Foreman disputes that House likes the patient.
    Foreman: He's annoyed by her, doesn't respect her as a doctor, constantly insults her.
    Wilson: That's House's version of courtship.
    Foreman: ...Oh, god, he's been wooing me for years.
  • Wilson literally running away from House.
  • When House is trying to get an answer out of the team.
    Kutner: I love you.
    House: Wrong.
• "Don't Ever Change":
  • House notices some eerie similarities between himself and Amber.
    Wilson: House, you're right. Why not? Why not date you? It's brilliant. We've known each other for years. We've put up with all kinds of crap from each other. And we keep coming back. We're a couple.
    House: Are we still speaking metaphorically?
  • "Well, if you'd looked at me with those flashing eyes before I was involved..."
  • Cuddy, on Wilson dating Amber: "Are you sure she doesn't wanna just take you back to her lair, hang you upside down, and deposit her eggs in you?" Then Wilson's reply: "Excellent disguise, House."
• "No More Mr. Nice Guy":
  • The ER is swamped, and the nurses are on strike.
    Cameron: Cuddy was looking for you. Said she'd send you down here.
    House: I know. That's why I'm here.
    Cameron: [Beat] Because Cuddy hasn't found you yet.
    House: She's gonna look everywhere except the place she wants me to be.
  • House deliberate jabs the patient in the foot with his cane.
    Jeff: I'm sure it was an accident.
    House: Is he Canadian?
    Cameron: Uh, he's a low priority.
    House: Is that a yes?
    Cameron: He's just—
    House: Happy. I gotta stop this before it spreads.
  • Chase gives House an idea.
    House: Joint custody.
    Amber: Of Wilson?
    House: Unless we have another love child.
    Amber: [to Wilson] Deal with him.
    House: He needs a mother figure. I'm not saying you're not entitled to spend time with him. I'm just saying I'm entitled too.
    [Amber looks at Wilson]
    Wilson: I don't know how to deal with him when he's...being reasonable.
    Amber: This is reasonable? This is crazy. You're not a child. You can make your own plans.
    Wilson: No, crazy is what House would normally do in this situation—swap your lubricant with superglue.
    House: The man knows me.
  • Wilson leaves it to Cuddy to decide on the joint custody arrangement.
    Wilson: I'm gonna piss off one of them, and they both scare me.
• "Living the Dream":
  • Cuddy asks Cameron, Chase, and Foreman:
    Cuddy: Why is House driving a limo?
    Foreman: Don't know.
    Cameron: Don't have to know.
    Chase: Don't... care?
  • House has a... creative way of getting a soap opera star to come in and be diagnosed.
    Foreman: You kidnapped him?
    House: It's sweet that I haven't lost the ability to surprise you.
  • House drugs Evan right in front of Wilson and continues talking like nothing happened.
  • When Cameron tries to drag House's team into helping her with the filing, House says, "They're busy. Which is really annoying, because I wanted to be able to say that they're busy for no other reason than to screw with you."
• "House's Head":
  • An idea for retrieving House's missing memory:
    Kutner: The shortest distance between here and your memory is straight through your prefrontal cortex. All we have to do is access it.
    Taub: I'll build the giant submarine, and you go get the miniaturization gizmo.
  • House face-planting into a pile of clothes hoping a scent will trigger his memory is a great sight gag.
  • "Also, the penis-size cortex is set to 'pathetic'"
  • Believing he's on to something, House stops the others from wheeling Kaneshiro to the O.R. by locking himself, Thirteen, and Kaneshiro in the room with the rest outside.
    Thirteen: House!
    Cuddy: House!
    House: [mockingly] House!
  • Cuddy keeps addressing Thirteen as "Dr. Hadley". House says, "See, she doesn't even know your name."
• "Wilson's Heart"
  • Not much funny in this one, but the "Sorry, wide stance" line in the bathroom is good for a chuckle if you remember Larry Craig.

Season 5

• "Dying Changes Everything":
  • To Cuddy, regarding Wilson: "He wanted time alone. I considered being a horrendous pain in the ass, but I didn't want to tread on your turf."
  • Funny Background Event when House puts his drink in Coma Guy's hand.
  • Cuddy stops Foreman giving House the case file.
    Cuddy House has more important things to do.
    House: Sorry, can't help you. You need a specialist to remove those kind of warts. Preferably one with experience spelunking.
• "Not Cancer":
  • After the team meets Lucas:
    Kutner: Does that P.I. guy mean we don't have to break into people's homes anymore?
    House: It's the whole reason you went to medical school. I'm not gonna take that away from you.
• "Adverse Events":
  • After Lucas compliments Cuddy's shoes:
    House: You don't like her shoes. You like her legs.
    Lucas: It sounds less creepy if you say shoes.
    House: Less creepy, more gay.
    Lucas: That's my firm's motto.
  • Bisexadrine, Cuckoldasol, and Worldssorestkneesasil.
    • Of the last one, House says, "Cuddy used to have that title, by the way."
• "Birthmarks":
  • Cuddy asks House to drop his pants (for an injection) and he snarks, "You know, I usually pay tens of dollars to hear that."
  • Cuddy's trying to get House to go to his father's funeral.
    Cuddy: Your mother wants you to deliver a eulogy.
    House: "Eulogy". From the Greek for "good word". Now, if she asked me to deliver a bastardogy, I'd be happy to—
  • House's ringtone for the team is MMMBop.
    House: [to Wilson] My ringtone for you is Dancing Queen by ABBA.
  • House whacking Wilson's hand so his keys fall into a sewer grate.
    • And then dropping the flashlight after the keys.
    • And getting them pulled over by a cop.
    • "Make it fast. I don't want to miss the anal cavity search."
  • House demands Wilson admit that he's scared and angry.
    House: Admit it. Admit it.
    Wilson: What are you, five? Stop repeating—
    House: Admit it. Admit it. Admit it. Admit it. Admit it. Admit it. Admit it. Come on, admit it. Admit it!
    [Wilson grabs a bottle of Old Man Patton's and throws it; it shatters a stained glass window, and he stares in shock]
    House: ...Still not boring.
  • House calls China about the patient's visit to find her bio parents.
    Wilson: You know, you could just wait for the MRI to have your curiosity satisfied.
    House: What person who is nothing like me are you saying that to?
  • This bit:
    House: Differential. Say you're a middle-aged Chinese woman...
    Wilson: Fine.
    House: Say it.
    Wilson: I'm a middle-aged Chinese woman.
  • At the end, when Wilson decides to come back.
    House: If you're coming back just 'cause you're attracted to the shine of my neediness... I'd be okay with that.
• "Lucky Thirteen":
  • House finds out the female PoW is a one-night stand of Thirteen's. The jokes he makes come fast and furious. Even Foreman gets in on it.
    House: People interest me. Conversations don't.
    Foreman: Because conversations go both ways.
    [he realizes what he said]
    House and Foreman: Like Thirteen.
  • Spying on Wilson: "He's playing that carjacking video game. He'd get a lot farther if he didn't stop at all the red lights."
  • House speculates on what Wilson might be hiding.
    House: Maybe he was doing something he thinks I'll mock him for. Like... [Beat] ...just about anything.
  • The reveal that Wilson was just screwing with him for kicks. Also heartwarming because they're back into their old rhythm.
    House: Oh, my god. You invoked your dead girlfriend's name to sell me. You're my hero.
• "Joy":
  • House starts a betting pool about when Cuddy will back down from the adoption. Kutner bets on 7-14 days. House writes "KUTNER" on the board. Kutner says "It'd be better if I had a pseudonym". House's reply? "SKUTNER" He then proceeds to bet in the <7 days category as "Jones".
  • Taub's "Um, I would like to buy some cocaine please."
• "The Itch":
  • Thirteen's quick on the draw here.
    Thirteen: What did Cuddy want?
    House: I kinda hit that last night, so now she's all on my jock.
    Thirteen: Wow. She looks pretty good for someone on roofies.
  • Wilson talks to Cuddy about her kiss with House.
    Cuddy: It's no big deal. I was feeling vulnerable. He's a friend, and I leaned on him.
    Wilson: It's funny. I've leaned on friends in the past. Never leaned so far my tongue fell into their mouths.
• "Last Resort":
  • The PoW, Jason, comes into Cuddy's office and finds House sitting at her desk.
    Jason: Excuse me, I'm looking for Dr. Cuddy.
    House: Well, she's either not here, or she's under the desk. Either way, you're gonna have to wait outside until I'm finished.
  • Unusual diagnostic test:
    House: Spit on the floor.
    Jason: What?
    House: If I do it, I can't tell Cuddy it was medically necessary. I'm gonna ask you to piss on her chair next.
• The last five minutes of "Let Them Eat Cake". Explaining it just ruins the joke.
• "Joy to the World":
  • Wilson screwing with Kutner and Taub regarding the source of the present House threw away shows he can be pretty House-like himself.
  • To win a bet with Wilson, House decides to be super nice to his patients. It's going okay until he asks the first one where she hurts. She indicates a spot on the back of her head.
    House: Uh-huh. That's Beccaria's sign. That'll be gone by your third trimester.
    Whitney: Oh, I'm not in school.
    House: [Beat] Neither is your fetus.
    Whitney: Oh, god.
    House: You didn't know you were pregnant?
    Whitney: How do—You know that just from the headache?
    House: [struggles briefly with auto-sarcasm] How do I know? I missed my period, I got fat, threw up....Oh, no, wait—That's how you know.
    Whitney: What?
    House: I know because of the tight shirt stretched over the swollen boobs, the salt craving you've imported into the clinic, the motion sickness patch that doesn't do anything for the kind of sickness that you feel in the morning.
    Whitney: Yeah, I'm a virgin. So is my fiance.
    House: I believe him.
    Whitney: Aren't there other ways I could get pregnant, like... sitting on a toilet seat?
    House: Absolutely. There would need to be a guy sitting between you and the toilet seat, but yes, absolutely. ...I was doing so well.
    • Later, Whitney brings in her fiance, Geoff, for some help snowing him.
      Geoff: She says you told her you can get pregnant from sitting on a toilet seat.
      House: I said those words, but with a particular inflection.
      Geoff: I knew it was untrue.
      Whitney: Well, is there any other way? Isn't it possible?
      House: There was a reported case of a Civil War soldier who was shot in the testicles, and the musket ball carried the non-musket ball into the uterus of a woman working in a neighboring field. Nine months later, a miracle child was born. [Beat] Also, maybe she cheated on you.
      Geoff: We made a promise.
      Whitney: We do—We do other stuff in bed. Couldn't some of his sperm have made it up there somehow?
      House: More likely, it came from the guy whose penis made it up there somehow.
  • Another clinic patient comes in complaining that the inhaler she was given hasn't helped her asthma. House asks her to demonstrate how she uses it, and she sprays it on her neck. The best is the look on his face, like "Ooh, good, now I can stop being nice." Gilligan Cut to her storming out muttering, "Jerk."
• From "Painless":
  • When Taub is debating suicide with Kutner, Taub believing it's never right and Kutner believing it can be:
    Kutner: Okay, so if you were being burned at the stake, and someone handed you a gun, what would you do?
    Taub: I'd shoot the people holding the torches.
    • Kind of Harsher in Hindsight in retrospect.
  • In a scene where House is looking for a lawyer:
    House: Come on, you're from one of the Twelve Tribes, you must know a ton of lawyers.
    Taub: What type of lawyer do you need? I'll bring it up at the next world domination subcommittee meeting.
  • When an angry-looking man comes in asking for House, he says, "The big black guy." After the man leaves, House says to Foreman, "Can you blame me? The last time that happened, the guy shot me."
• "Big Baby":
  • House learns that Cameron's been put in charge in Cuddy's absence.
    House: Good. Fun. You get to exercise your newfound power, I squirm under your thumb, resent the student becoming the teacher, and then push comes to shove, and we all get to realize what our real roles should be. [Beat] Then you put out.
    Cameron: That's why I took the job.
  • House complains that he can't tell, now that Thirteen and Foreman are sleeping together, whether they're disagreeing because they have different opinions or because they're trying to prove their independence from one another.
    Thirteen: How about you just judge our ideas on their own merit?
    House: Oh, you don't want me to do that.
  • House is talking to Cuddy about how the evolution of humans has resulted in babies whose heads are too big for their mothers' hips.
    House: And by the way, your hips may be an evolutionary improvement.
• Until recently in "The Greater Good" when Cuddy — pushed to the breaking point after House's inability to let anyone else even attempt to do her job drags her back from maternity leave with her newly adopted daughter — seeks revenge by posting a maintenance worker to hang Out of Order signs on all of the elevators whenever he sees House coming, setting a tripwire at the door to his office, and stealing his cane.
  • Special mention to House falling over the tripwire — twangggg — and his expression afterwards.
  • House has deduced that Foreman secretly switched Thirteen's placebo with the real drug, and now it's causing serious problems.
    House: I'm happy for you. A love so deep you're ready to chuck your medical license to give her powerful, unproven drugs with dangerous side effects. I don't want to make any assumptions about your feelings for me, but I do have a birthday coming up.
• "The Softer Side":
  • Taub calls Foreman a T-1000 built by Cyberdyne.
    Taub: Here's my impression of Foreman on the happiest day of his life. [dons a completely flat expression] Now the saddest day of his life. [does the same thing]
  • Wilson accuses Cuddy of sleeping with House, citing his good mood. Cuddy admits, "Sex with me would explain that. But it doesn't explain why I'm not curled up in a ball, weeping in shame."
  • One of House's clinic patients demonstrates that it hurts when he pokes his arm and legs with his finger. Cut to Cuddy asking a nurse:
    Cuddy: Did you give House the moron with the broken finger?
    Nurse: They've been in room two about ten minutes.
    Cuddy: Patient should've been screaming for another doctor seven minutes ago.
  • Cuddy's examining House after he stopped breathing.
    House: I think my penis stopped breathing. Do you know CPR?
  • Thirteen finds a (seemingly) suicidal poem in the patient's bedroom, which House says is medically irrelevant unless the next line says, "Hoping to fry my brain to death,/I smoked some primo crystal meth."
• "The Social Contract":
  • The patient of the week has Frontal Lobe Disinhibition, which causes him to say whatever pops into his mind. After Taub and Kutner check his nose, the latter reports to House.
    Kutner: No nasal cancer, and no marriage either if our patient keeps saying everything that comes into his head without regard for the consequences.
    Wilson: You always led me to believe you were one of a kind.
  • His reactions to Thirteen and Cuddy are hilarity incarnate.
    Patient: [regarding Thirteen] ...especially since you're such a pleasure to imagine naked.
    Patient: [Cuddy enters] Whoa, I would do her in a minute with fudge and a cherry on top! Would someone please explain to this woman? There are only so many apologies I...
    Patient: I've already embarrassed myself with one doctor, whom I am at this moment imagining with you on a king-sized bed with a mirror on the ceiling I am so, so sorry. But if I couldn't have both of you together, [Cuddy] would definitely be my first choice.
  • At that point Cuddy wonders where House is, since there's no possible way he asked her to come down and listen to that without being there to witness it. House then turns on the lights in the observation room. The punchline where House explains Cuddy why he paged her to come over and meet the patient.
    House: You're welcome.
    Cuddy: That was for my benefit?
    House: You're 40 years old.
    Cuddy: Thirty-eight.
    House: The administrator of a hospital.
    Cuddy: Dean of medicine.
    House: People don't get personal with you. Except for me, and you dismiss me as a jerk who's jerking you around, but that guy can only tell the truth. He prefers your body to that of a smoking young hottie.
    Cuddy: So... that was your way of saying I look good today?
    House: You don't get the slightest kick out of that?
    Cuddy: Don't be ridiculous, House.
    House: [shrugs, turns around]
    Cuddy: [slowly breaks into a smug smile]
  • House is digging into why Wilson doesn't want to go to a monster truck rally.
    Wilson: I'm playing racquetball tomorrow night with Taub.
    House: Why would you hide that?
    Wilson: Because the world revolves around you. I devote time to anyone else, you'd end up stalking me and harassing them.
    House: You say that as though it wouldn't be fun.
• "Here Kitty":
  • During the differential, House has the cat in his lap, and is holding a cigar.
    Kutner: What are you doing?
    House: No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die.
  • House and Wilson get on the elevator with another guy. Suddenly, the cat meows and purrs, and the guy looks around in confusion as House loudly says, "Stop it, Dr. Wilson! It's just not cute anymore!"
  • This exchange:
    House: [waving a laser pointer around Kutner's legs] Oh my gosh, the death cat is attacking your legs, you're gonna die!
    Kutner: Maybe it has something to do with that little red dot dancing around down there.
    House: Oh my gosh, the death laser is attacking your legs, you're gonna die!
    • Given what happens to Kutner, this is much Harsher in Hindsight.
  • House is obsessed with proving that the cat isn't psychic.
    Wilson: I've gotta stop telling you my theories. You always just try to prove me wrong.
    House: You mean the theory about Cuddy's ass getting bigger at the full moon? I confirmed that one. Photo's on my blog.
  • The whole scene when Taub finds out his old schoolmate CEO who was going to give him a job was actually a con man when he goes to the company and is told the man in question just worked for them as a temp receptionist and is currently in custody. Best is this moment:
    Taub: We went to high school together!
    Woman: [gently touches Taub's arm] That's what everyone else thought too.
• "Locked In":
  • People keep pestering House about why he was in Middletown, where he crashed his motorcycle.
    Wilson: Your crash was ten miles from the Orange County Progressive Pain Clinic.
    House: You live ten miles from Mary's Dress Shop. And yet, that's not even on my list of reasons that I think you're secretly a transvestite.
  • The patient, Lee, is trapped in his own mind, and snarks about the main cast. At one point Foreman is telling a personal story about buying his girlfriend some jewelry, and Lee is obviously bored with it. Then Foreman reveals he's dating Thirteen, which actually impresses Lee. Then Foreman goes back to talking about buying jewelry, and Lee thinks, "Okay, gettin' boring again..." (Made funnier by the fact that Foreman has worried in the past that he's not very interesting.)
• "Simple Explanation":
  • One clinic patient is a child beauty queen who is totally zoned out. House gives her coffee as a treatment; she's drunk, and snuck some of her mommy's "mouthwash".
  • House goes up to Cuddy.
    House: Did you let me hire a pervert?
    Cuddy: Well, it'd be hypocritical of me not to.
• "Saviors":
  • Thirteen suggests House wants someone to mother him. Foreman says, "Only kind of mothering House wants involves a bullwhip, leather diapers, and a credit card.
  • House has just figured out Wilson has been screwing with him the entire episode:
  House: You manipulative bitch.
• Most of "House Divided":
  • House's hallucination of Amber provides this gem while House is learning about the case of the week.
    Amber (hallucination): [trying to write on the board in House's office] Damn invisible pen.
  • House walks into Wilson's office to find Cameron there.
    House: Why is the soon-to-be-second-prettiest Dr. Chase here?
  • On learning Cameron asked Wilson to throw Chase a bachelor party, House asks, "No retired ministers available to plan it?"
  • Fight the Power!
    Foreman: [yelling over the music] House, what are you doing!?
    House: What does it look like I'm doing? I'm fighting the power!
  • The best part is that he's doing this because the voices in his head told him to.
  • The reaction of the patient is also amusing: while Foreman and the patient's mother are annoyed and bewildered (respectively), the patient himself is chuckling at the silliness.
  • House sends Foreman and Thirteen on a stripper scouting search and returning with pictures. On his list of requirements is the ability to do something called a "Broken Cowboy".
    Foreman: Think she can do the Broken Cowboy?
    Thirteen: God, I hope so.
  • They return.
    Thirteen: The fact that you sent me on a scouting mission...
    Amber (Hallucination): No skirts!
    House: You're not on the guest list. Bachelor parties are an ancient and sacred male rite of passage.
    [...]
    Thirteen: If I get drunk enough there's a chance that I might make out with one of the strippers. Or become one.
    House and Amber: Sold.
    • Funny Background Event: Foreman suddenly looks interested when Thirteen says the above, then gives her a wink after House's line.
  • Wilson tells Chase:
    Wilson: The main reason my third wife and I eloped was to avoid House's bachelor party. ...Have you seen Caligula?
    [...]
    House: Is he telling you to avoid the party?
    Wilson: I took an oath to do no harm.
    House: Sure, don't come. If you want your wedding vows to be meaningless.
    Chase: This should be interesting.
    House: You are going to commit to that one special woman forever, which is beautiful. But if your commitment the day after the wedding is the same as your commitment the day before, then the wedding meant nothing. So, and I see no logical way around this, if you want your marriage to matter, you have to be a wanton, trolling, muck-covered pig the day before.
    Chase: You're evil. See ya.
  • Wilson states his intention to skip the party.
    Wilson: Every time I go to one of your parties, I end up embarrassing myself in some new and unexpected way.
    House: That whole thing with the duck was hardly unexpected.
  • "By the Power of Grayskull!, I..." (destroys the room and sets a corpse on fire)
  • Wilson keeps repeating that he's not coming to the party, and is suspicious when House doesn't fight him on it. Then he walks in while it's in progress...in his apartment.
  • Thirteen starts to lick salt off a stripper's belly.
    Wilson: You're okay with this?
    Foreman: [big grin] I paid fifty bucks for this.
  • House is hanging out in the bathroom with Amber when there's a knock at the door. He calls out, "Use the other bathroom. It's in the kitchen. Looks like a sink."
  • The line about Wilson trying to walk home drunk... with no pants... from his own apartment.
• Cuddy screaming "This. Is BEYOND ASSHOOD!" at House in "Both Sides Now."
  • In that one, House is trying to figure out if Cuddy is being honest with him by using thermal imaging equipment.
    House: She lied to me. Either last night or today and I need to find out which and why.
    Wilson: And clearly thermal imaging is the way.

Season 6

• "Broken":
  • House's reaction to Alvie, his extremely talkative roommate.
  • Determined to be as disruptive as possible, House targets the other patients' vulnerabilities. The best is the paranoiac.
    Richter: You have to dribble.
    House: Why? The CIA satellites aren't watching me, they're watching you. 'Cause you're wearing green.
    [Richter hurriedly removes his green shirt]
    House: That one was just too easy.
  • Dr. Nolan brings House to a fundraiser for the facility and prods House to talk to people.
    House: I'm not gay.
    Man: Oh, neither am I.
    House: See that guy over there? [indicates Nolan] He's also my psychiatrist, which some would argue is a little inappropriate, but they just don't know what love is. Am I right?
• "Epic Fail":
  • After Foreman takes over the department, he picks up House's ball.
    Cameron: You know how House feels about people touching his ball.
    Foreman: No. Chase refuses to tell me.
  • Dr. Nolan suggests House get a hobby.
    Nolan: You need something to keep you engaged, connected to other people.
    House: You already made me get a roommate. Wilson's got one bedroom. I don't think we can get any more connected without unzipping.
  • Cuddy comes over to Wilson's to find House cooking with Cecile, who he claims doesn't speak English.
    Cecile: [in Mandarin] Who's the broad?
    House: [in Mandarin] Missionary.
    [...]
    Cecile: [in Mandarin] If she's a missionary, why does she dress like a hooker?
    House: [in Mandarin] I meant the position.
  • Taub and Thirteen are playing a virtual reality game. We're watching them discuss the patient while in the video game. When Taub's character is attacked by Goddamn Bats said character falls to the ground slapping at the bats on its back. Cut to Taub outside of the video game, in the same position, as Thirteen walks away.
  • Thirteen tries one of House's culinary creations.
    Thirteen: This might be the best thing I've ever eaten. ...And yes, I'm including what you're thinking of now.
• House undermining Foreman's authority by playing charades with his team in "The Tyrant".
• "Wilson" has a couple too:
  • Wilson being woken up by House to the tune of George Michael's "Faith".
  • The Mexican crooner who was hallucinating that God was ripping open his stomach, and babbling about how he would soon singing in God's mariachi band.
  • "It wasn't the tennis!"
  • "He has cancer. You know how I know? He has an oncologist for a doctor."
  • This exchange:
    Wilson: [after House walks in the room dripping wet] ...House? I know it's raining out there in the hallway...
    House: [starts to explain why he's wet but gives up] Anyways, your patient has cancer. [pause, he points to a chart on Wilson's desk] Not that guy. Although he probably also has cancer.
• In Season Six's eleventh episode, "The Down Low", House has bought a sofa for the apartment Wilson and he share while masquerading as a couple.
  Wilson: One... singular sensation... every little step she takes...
  House: I will punch you in the face.
  Wilson: I'll stop if you get rid of the sofa.
  House: [pause] No chance.
  Wilson: Badadadada...
  • One of the overarching side plots involves House and Wilson's new neighbor, Nora, who thinks the two are lovers. House decides to screw with Wilson (wait, bad choice of words) by acting the part of a Transparent Closet, then decides to keep up the façade in order to gain Nora's trust, become "girlfriends" with her, then reveal his "relationship problems" with Wilson, get her drunk, and sleep with her, which will cause a "revelation" about how he's never felt this way about a woman before. Wilson's attempt to tell her this only makes Nora think Wilson is jealous of the amount of time House is spending with her. Finally, right when House is about to spring the trap, Wilson interrupts their dinner and loudly declares his love for House, ending with a marriage proposal. This leads to House calling Nora into his office to explain the truth (including the fact that this all started because Wilson wanted to go out with her), citing his motivation for pretending to be gay as "I want to touch your boobs", then after initially telling her that Wilson was a good person, she says she might go out with him after all and he backpedals into a listing of his bad traits and straight into his customary "Eureka!" Moment, leaving a very bewildered Nora alone in House's office.
  • Another plot involved a joke that Chase, Thirteen, and Taub had played on Foreman, making him think that they had higher salaries than he did. Foreman claims that he's quitting after this case because there's no use in sticking around, leading the team to go to Cuddy and offer to take a pay cut in order to facilitate giving him a raise, at which point she reveals that she hasn't talked to Foreman in 3 days and has no idea what they're talking about — it turns out he was turning the tables on them.
  • Then there was the main plot, involving a drug dealer that went down in a gun fight despite the shooter missing and hitting himself in the foot. When the dealer tries to walk out of the room after House has finished stitching him up, House whacks the bed with his cane, making a loud noise and instantly dropping the dealer. House suspects an environmental cause, so he bugs the dealer's room, and gets a lot of interference. He then finds out that there are two bugs in the room, the one he had planted and the one the patient himself had planted — the "dealer" is actually an undercover cop. He also gets the real drug dealer out of the room by saying that he needs to do a rectal exam. Also, in trying to find the answers that the patient wouldn't give...
    Eddie: [the patient's partner] I know what you're doing. You drugged me to make me think I'm sick so I'll lead you to the stash!
    Thirteen: Do you feel sick?
    Eddie: I don't feel sick; I feel drugged! Trust me, I know the difference!
    • And, of course, the intersection of the main plot and the sub-plot. Early in the episode, House is talking with Eddie, trying to find out what it is they deal in. Eddie claims that they work in "textiles", leading to an extended metaphor. House asks if they deal in "hosiery, with an h", and Eddie replies that they work more with "culottes". House is not exactly sure what culottes are, so he has to ask if that starts with a "c" or a "k". Shortly afterward, Wilson interrupts and tells House that he had tried to ask their new neighbor out and she danced away from it because she thought the two of them were gay. After the traditional insults, House asks, "What are 'culottes', anyway?"—and Wilson immediately gives the answer, which doesn't exactly scream "straight".
  • Thirteen is fiddling with the receiver for the bug House set up:
    House: It doesn't respond to manual stimuli. Maybe if you took off your top...
    Thirteen: I resorted to something a little more exotic. It's called reading the instructions. Turns out if you plug the wires into the wrong sockets it doesn't actually work.
  • And this moment:
    House: I need the drugs.
    Patient's Boss: We're in textiles.
    House: I NEED THE DRUGS! Hmm... works for Jack Bauer.
• From "Private Lives":
  Wilson: What are you doing?
  House: Masturbating. I'd invite you, but people are already talking.
  • The subplot of Wilson having once been in a student film that was later spliced into a porno, and everyone in the hospital, from House to the cafeteria workers making fun of him and quoting lines from the movie. "Be not afraid. The forest nymphs taught me how to please a woman."
  • While at a speed dating event, Chase makes a bet with House that women aren't as shallow as men, and to prove they aren't just attracted to his looks, he acts like a stupid, unemployed, American jerk the entire night.
    Chase: I play video games.
    Female speed dater: Professionally?
    Chase: Pfft. [Beat] I wish, bro.

    A different female speed dater: I'm a chocolatier.
    Chase: I could tell by your hips.^note The best part may be that despite being clearly flustered by the insult, she (a somewhat slender woman) flirtatiously agrees with him, clearly still interested based solely on how attractive he is.
    • After acting like this, Chase still gets far more numbers than House or Wilson. Even the event host gives him a sexy look as she hands him the phone numbers.
  • Another moment from the same speed dating event:
    House: I'm a diagnostician.
    The woman stares blankly
    House: I find out what's wrong with people and fix it.
    Woman: Don't all doctors do that?
  • Later on:
    House: Little girls kiss frogs and expect them to turn into you.
    Chase: I'm not that good-looking.
    House: Yeah, you are.
    Wilson: You kinda are.
  • Chase is complaining about women only valuing him for his looks, and Thirteen deadpans, "Then date men. They're not shallow at all."
  • Also, House saying "God, you're pretty" to Chase after Chase correctly deduces something in a Houseian manner.
    • Made even better by the cut to Chase looking absurdly proud of himself. He's apparently realized by now that "God, you're pretty" following a good diagnosis is House-speak for "Great job".
• From "Black Hole":
  House: Foreman, does anything excite you?
  Everyone: No.
• Taub and Foreman getting high off Vicodin in "Lockdown." It Makes Sense in Context.
  • The look on Taub's face when Thirteen flashed him.
• In "Knight Fall" House refers to Taub as Gollum. Prior to this he refers to Thirteen as Frodo (which Taub thought was him, making the comment funnier).
  Thirteen: Is he saying I have short legs, or hairy feet?
  Chase: I don't even know who Frodo is.
  • Chase trying to ram a door down and winding up in groaning heap on the floor that Thirteen proceeds to merrily skip over, holding the key.
  • The team is discussing what case to present to House...when they see him walking towards the office with a sword.
  Thirteen: I had a dream like this once. It didn't end well.
• In Season 6's "The Choice". Chase singing "Midnight Train to Georgia" with House and Foreman singing backup. And dancing. Woo! Woo!
  • Blink and you'll miss it, but when the patient insists that, despite there maybe having been some "contact", he's "as straight as any of you". Thirteen visibly restrains herself from answering.
  • House's male patient has started lactating for unknown reasons. While in the midst of a differential, House takes a sample of the patient's milk the team had collected and pours it into his coffee. Cue collective stares of abject horror from the team as he prepares several times to take a drink.

Season 7

• Much of the Ho Yay between House and Wilson is as heartwarming as it is hilarious. Like, in "Now What", House and Cuddy had just finished having sex, leading to this exchange.
  Cuddy: Why didn't you let him in?
  House: You were thinking about Wilson while we were having sex? That's so cool, so was I!
• Season 7's "Selfish" had a centenarian clinic patient who lives with his octogenarian son, whom House immediately dismissed as having "natural causes". Later, the son bribes House to give a diagnosis that would result in the father having to be sent to a nursing home; a bit of negotiation results in the amount being $30. Later still, the father gives House a $100 bribe to diagnose him with something that would require him being put in a nursing home, as he was just as tired of living with his son as the son was of living with him.
  • On top of all that, after initially planning to acquiesce to this, House spots something at the last moment that explains the symptoms, and gives an honest diagnosis instead, saying that there was no need for the father to go to a nursing home. However, he alerts them to each other's wishes by overtly refunding the $130 he'd received in bribe money.
  • When House is trying to make Wilson realize that he actually IS dating Cuddy, Wilson at first doesn't believe House. Even after Cuddy initially walks in and gives House a kiss, Wilson is incredibly skeptical. It's only after Cuddy grabs House's crotch and holds on for at least a minute, completely deadpan, that he buys it.
  • The amused, semi-desperate head shake House gives Wilson when Cuddy asks him if that's enough of a demonstration always make me laugh.
• In "Unwritten" a famous author is brought into the hospital after suffering a seizure. When House figures out that she actually tried to kill herself she becomes defensive and gets up to leave, with her daring him to try and stop her. House proceeds to do exactly that, loudly declaring that he's placing her on a 72 hour psychiatric hold and that if she tries to leave she will be sedated.
• In "Unplanned Parenthood", the lady wanted her grown (very reluctant) daughter to videotape the birth of her latest baby: "It's your baby sister!" "It's my mother's vagina!"
• "Larger Than Life". Decorating Taub's poster into a Hitler. Knocking Cuddy's mother out with sedatives. And knocking Wilson out with sedatives. That episode was a Crowning Episode Of Funny.
  • Cuddy's delivery: "You sedated my MOTHER!?
  • After House drugs Cuddy's mom, "Well, leaving aside the fact that House's a sociopath..."
  • This line from early in the episode.
    House: Look, no offense to either of you, but dinner with your mom? Come on, I-I have to act like a decent human being, and you know what a strain that puts on me.
• From "Carrot or Stick", when Chase gets his Facebook account hacked into and a... manipulated photo gets posted. He tries to figure out who posted the photo.
  Foreman: He slept with three women at that wedding.
  Masters: You're a whore!
  • And later, when Chase tries to find out how his account was hacked.
    Chase: My password was password.
    Masters: You're a dumb whore!
• House imitating Pulp Fiction in "Two Stories".
  • And being called it on by a fifth grader.
  • Also, "Who put sand in her vagina?"
  • His depiction of his employees, as well.
    Masters: We need to get a chest CT!
    Foreman: Excuse me, I'm the senior team member, which means we don't need anything unless I say we need it.
    Taub: [to a newly-hired nurse] Do you wanna have an affair?
    Chase: [to the same nurse] You want a threesome?
    Masters: You can't talk to her like that! I'm telling Cuddy!
    Foreman: We need a chest CT.
    Chase & Taub: Get it yourself.
• From "Recession Proof":
  House: [to Cuddy] Heh. My head's on your vagina.
  • And the Ho Yay banter between Foreman and Taub, including being compared to Bert and Ernie (Taub's Ernie) and Taub giving them both food poisoning, leading to a shot of their pants around their feet as they're on the toilet... and then House walks in to continue their conversation, Chase and Masters in tow.
    Foreman: [To Taub] I hate you.
• In the episode "Bombshells", there are several dreams and Imagine Spot segments speculating life for House and Cuddy and their families in the future. One such scenario plays out like a sitcom, where Lisa's daughter is brought home by a policeman because she had been shoplifting, and House is portrayed as a lazy bad influence of an adoptive father.
  House: Officer, you have my word it won't happen again! Because next time, she won't get caught!
  • There is another Imagine Spot where House finds himself in the midst of a Zombie Apocalypse, with his colleagues as zombies.
    House: Good thing I brought my axe-cane.
  • While discussing the teenage patient of the week and whether his anger issues are a symptom, we get this exchange:
    Taub: The kid scratched out the faces of half his class, you don't think that's a problem?
    Foreman: It's not our problem.
    Chase: Why is it anyone's problem? I've violently executed my 10th grade geometry teacher about five different ways in my mind!
    Masters: [nervous] I didn't want to kill anybody, I just wanted to... torture them slowly in my basement... preferably with acid...
    [the others stare in shock]
    Masters: ... You guys ever think about what you might do to House?
    [they nod in understanding]
• From "Out of the Chute":
  Masters: House, how many prostitutes have you had?
  House: As in eaten? Ever? This year?
  Masters: Slept with. Since you've been here.
  House: All but one. She did my taxes.
  • Also:
    House: I'm just trying to get you out of here because underneath this sheet, stuff is going on.
  • And:
    Carnell: Don't worry. You can trust me with anything. Including your food.
    House: [indicating Wilson] After he and I have sex, I'm going to slit his throat and then disembowel him in the bathtub.
  • The end, where House jumps off of his balcony, looking like he's committing suicide, only to tuck in his legs, yell "CANNONBALL!", and plunge into the pool.
• "Fall From Grace": House drives up to the hospital in a monster truck and starts talking like a pirate. Also, after his sham of a wedding:
  House: I don't sleep with married women.
• "The Dig"
  • One of the first things Thirteen does when she's freed from jail is to knee a man in the groin as House stares in shock. Made funnier because it's Damon Lindelof.
    • Complete with a brilliant deadpan Jehovah's Witnesses reference.
  • Thirteen and House talking about the spud gun competition. It ends with Thirteen saying that they'll go for hang time and length over accuracy, and asking where the fertilizer is.
  • When Thirteen helps House with his potato gun, but especially:
  Potato Gun: [WHOOMPF]
  Thirteen: Aaah! [Gets blown onto her back]
• In Season 7, anything to do with Wilson and House and Cuddy's relationship, from House finding Wilson trying to crawl into his apartment through his window (and getting stuck!), to when they finally all talk and straighten things out.(House: "I think you straightened out my limp!")
• In Season 7, House and Wilson bet $20 on who can keep a chicken in the hospital the longest without security noticing. Wilson wins.
  Wilson: Next week, ferrets?
  • Earlier, a completely befuddled and out-of-the-loop Masters asks Thirteen and Foreman what the deal is with the chickens. They barely even look up from the procedure they were in the middle of to answer.
    Thirteen: They have a bet to see who can keep a chicken in the hospital the longest without getting busted by security. Advancing past the vertebral artery.
    Masters: And... why are they doing this?
    Foreman: Place they bought 'em only had one pig.
• In season 7, House, Wilson, Cuddy and Wilson's girlfriend Sam go Go-Kart racing. Sam proves to be extremely competitive, running Wilson out of the road, leading to, mid-race...
  Cuddy: What is her problem??
  House: She hates Jews!
  Cuddy: [in a tone that sounds like she was personally in Auschwitz in 1942] Never again! [proceeds to go after Sam. Cuddy gets run off the road too, leaving to House pulling off the fuel hose with his cane and winning the race...]
• House hugging Masters:
  Masters: [The patient’s] lying. He’s not an executive. I saw his hands. He works with them. A lot.
  (Beat)
  House: Stand up.
  (House proceeds to hug Masters)
  (Beat)
  House, near tears: Our little girl is finally growing up. You dream of this day, but when it finally happens... So what did Mr. Meat Hook say when you called him a liar?
  Masters: I didn’t.
  (House lets go)
  House: Hm. Baby steps.
• In "Now What?", House has ordered Chase to pretend to be a neurosurgeon so the actual one can finally go home (and by Cuddy doesn't have to deal with it)
  Chase: I'm a neurosurgeon.
  Cuddy's Assistant: No you're not. [...] You did a residency in neurosurgery at the University of Melbourne, but you were never certified.
  Foreman: You've worked here two days. How-
  Cuddy's Assistant: Cuddy's first assignment was for me to get to know everything about House's team and not believe anything they told me.
  Chase: I'm...not a neurosurgeon?

Season 8

• The Confession:
  • House starts a betting pool about the legitimacy of Taub's kids and everyone takes part:
    Taub: An entire hospital betting on the legitimacy of my kids? It's great to be back among friends.
    Taub walks away leaving his lunch behind
    Wilson bags Taub's fork, turns away to leave and finds Taub standing there
    Wilson: I'm not the bad guy here. I'm betting on them both being yours.
    Taub takes the bagged fork and walks away again
    Wilson: I woulda donated the money to charity...
  • After an entire episode's worth of construction, House reveals the result.
• In "Parents" after Wilson tells House he has ringside seats to a boxing match in Atlantic City. House then goes to extraordinary lengths to be able to go, including trying to get himself booked at a medical conference in Atlantic City and hiring an ex-con to unsuccessfully remove his ankle monitor. Wilson even asks Foreman to let House go, though Foreman responds saying it's his job to say no to House and Wilson's job to stay at home and watch the fight with House. Wilson agrees, gives Foreman the tickets and arrives at House's apartment with beer and pizza, only to turn the tv on and see Foreman and House in the front row seats. All Wilson can do is smile and eat the pizza.
• Season 8's "Better Half" gives us this gem.
  House: [to Wilson] I really gotta get you laid. If I have to plow that furrow myself, so be it.
• Dr. Park on LSD in "Love is Blind."
  • Particularly the way she delivers lines like, "Then why am I completely tripping balls right now?" in a completely straight tone of voice.
  • Then later, she's tossing various objects at Wilson while still completely tripping balls, believing him to be a rabbit trying to steal her teeth.
• Dr. Adams pushing a wheelchair holding a sex doll in "We Need the Eggs"
• The "Spring Break" photos of Wilson passed out on House's couch at the end of "The C-Word". Also a Heartwarming Moment.
• "Everybody Dies", the series finale, is primarily very dark, but had its lighter moments.
  Hallucination Cameron: Who says I'm here to convince you to live?
  • Near the end of the episode, Wilson is giving the eulogy at House's funeral when he's interrupted by the ringing of a phone. He irritably asks whoever's phone is ringing to get it, only to find that the ringing is coming from his own pocket. He mutters that he could've sworn he'd shut that off... wait, this isn't his phone!
    Text message from Dr. House: Shut up you idiot.
  • And then the series ends with House and Wilson riding off on motorcycles, while "Enjoy Yourself" plays. Something about the Mood Whiplash of this final scene (happy after a largely depressing episode), and the levity of the music playing, is just inexplicably amusing.
• Dr. Park betting on a turtle race.
  "Move your ass, Mister Chips!"
• Season 8's "plaster casting" of EVERYTHING in House's new office.

Unsorted

• House's metaphor for why a sudden onset of symptoms points to an acute condition: "You come home one night, your wife whacks you with a baseball bat. Likely cause — the fact you haven't thanked her for dinner in eight years, or the receipt for furry handcuffs she found in your pants?"
• This clinic patient was pretty funny.
  Patient: I can't remove my contacts and they are irritating my eyes.
  House: That's because you're not wearing contacts. You're trying to remove your cornea.
• The Noodle Incident with the duck.
• After Chase gets a haircut, House says "Cameron get your hair in the divorce?"
• Another great Taub moment: When House stole his phone and sent dirty texts to his wife, poor Taub is desperately jumping for the phone House is holding up high out of his reach.
  • Made even funnier by the completely bored, expressionless way Foreman takes the phone off House and gives it back to Taub, ruining House's fun, and just continues talking about the case like nothing happened.
  • Same episode two more gems from Taub.
    Taub: She hallucinated a black hole. We should look for a tumor in her anus.
    
    Thirteen: We should check the liver.
    Taub: And then her pinkie toe. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought we were just randomly naming body parts that have nothing to do with her symptoms.
• After House asks 'everyone who has not slept together' to leave the room, Taub remains behind. He looks at Thirteen and deadpans: 'Oh. Right. That was supposed to be our little secret. Sorry.'
• House: "This needs some womanly persuasion." Thirteen rolls her eyes and is about to walk into the patient's room, when House says "I said womanly!" and looks at Chase.
• A little scene illustrating the House/Cuddy powerplay/relationship:
  Cuddy: This is the part where you play the employee and I play the boss.
  House: I can see your nipples. Your turn.
  Student 1: No wonder she hates him.
  Student 2: That's not hate. It's foreplay.
• These:
  House: [to Foreman, Cameron, and Chase] What were you doing all night?
  Cameron: [deadpan] Jello shots and wild sex, what else?
  
  House: It will be more cost efficient once I've grabbed Cameron's ass, called Foreman a spade, and Chase...well I'll grab his ass too.
  
  Foreman: I think your argument is specious.
  House: I think your tie is ugly.^note Made even better by, after shaking his head a little, Foreman looks down at his tie.
  
  Wilson: In some cultures it's considered almost rude for one friend to spy on another. Then again, "friend" in Swedish can also be translated as "limping twerp." (House's pager goes off) Did your pager really just go off are you ditching the conversation?
  House: Why can't both be true?
• House's impersonations of his ducklings
• House: Idiopathic. It means we're idiots because we can't figure this out.
• "You're telling me to do the right thing while climbing out a window!"
• "I kinda hit that last night, so now she's all up in my jock."
• Cuddy: "Twenty-four times a year you come storming into my office spouting that you can help someone. Except you never say those words. You say something like, "His pancreas is going to explode because his brain is on fire!"
• "I'm halluuuuucinating..."
• "Have you ever heard of the National Man Dead Boy Love Association?"
• "That's our Hitler!" Wilson about and to the half-Jewish candidate to replace Cameron.

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