History Funny / HogansHeroes

-->'''Carter''': ''[leaving the camp and receiving heils from Klink and Schultz]'' Yes, yes, by all means. ''[AsideGlance]'' Vierdesehein, folks.
* The Heroes need to rescue four major Underground leaders being held at Stalag 13 by the Gestapo. How? ''They make the Germans at the Stalag think the war is over.''

* The Heroes need to rescue four major Underground leaders being held at Stalag 13 by the Gestapo. How? ''They make the Germans at the Stalag think the war is over.''

* Hogan tries to convince Klink that if he lets Burkhalter/Hochstetter use Stalag 13 as a storage facility he may as well rename it 'Klink's Gas Station.' Klink scoffs at this but as soon as Hogan leaves the room he accidentally answers the phone with "Klink's Gas Station! *beat* I mean Stalag 13!"

-->'''Iggy''': ''[lowers the gun]''

--> '''Burkhalter:''' I saw you answer the phone, I heard you say "Mairzy Doats", and I watched you ''eat'' a piece of paper.

* Newkirk was captured in a double-bluff by the Germans and was held at Gestapo HQ in Hammelburg. The boys bluff their way in wearing German uniforms, and Carter pulls a gun on the man.

* The episode where the boys are given the task to tie up the German General Staff...on D-Day. Their method? Their usual, the mutant offspring of the KansasCityShuffle and BavarianFireDrill. However, today's special? Convincing the generals that Hitler is trying to find the most incompetent colonel in the German military to make him the new Army Chief of Staff. The colonel in question? Klink. Worse still is that ''it worked.'' Then when the calls start coming in that the Allies are invading, Klink calls the real Hitler for orders (his promotion coming from Kinch on the phone contingent upon him not giving any orders without Hitler's direction). He gets a general, just as confused as Klink about the whole mess (mainly because he hadn't heard anything about this). Then the general hangs up on him.

** Also from that episode, the Russian pilot is very patriotic and eager to get back to the fighting. So in order to keep him from running away while Hogan comes up with a plan, the heroes ask him whats so great about Russia. Half an episode and one new escape plan later, ''he's only about half-way done with his story.''

-->'''Kinchloe''': The colonel ''is'' leveling with you. ''{{beat}}'' ''[sighs]'' [[BlackBestFriend Do I look German to you?]]

-->'''Hogan''': Whatever you're drinking.

* "Gowns By Yvette" gives us Schultz in a wedding dress. That is all.

-->'''Klink''': ''[dejectedly]'' You are.

* The episode where the boys are given the task to tie up the German General Staff...on D-Day. Their method? Their usual, the mutant of the KansasCityShuffle and BavarianFireDrill. However, today's special? Convincing the generals that Hitler is trying to find the most incompetent colonel in the German military to make him the new Army Chief of Staff. The colonel in question? Klink. Worse still is that ''it worked.'' Then when the calls start coming in that the Allies are invading, Klink calls the real Hitler for orders (his promotion coming from Kinch on the phone contingent upon him not giving any orders without Hitler's direction). He gets a general, just as confused as Klink about the whole mess. Then the general hangs up on him.
-->'''Klink''': General Bourneman...General Bourneman? ''{{beat}}'' We've been cut off.

-->'''Newkirk''': Well that's no problem, sir. You just give me one of our guns and I'll put a nice round hole right between his eyes. Now that might not stop him, but it'll sure slow him down a bit!
* Hogan is berating Klink (again) and trying to pull another BavarianFireDrill to get him away from his office.

-->'''Newkirk''': Well that's no problem, sir. You just give me one of our guns and I'll put a nice round hole right between his eyes. Now that might not stop him, but it'll sure slow him down a bit!

* The boys get a shot-down Russian pilot smuggled into camp who insists on going back to Russia, instead of along the normal escape route to England. The crew has no ties in that direction, so how do they get him to Russia? By dressing him up as a German and having him transferred to the Russian Front.

* "What Time Does the Ballon Go Up" has the heroes pick up a British pilot. Prior to the pick-up, Hogan explains the dangers of the assignment causing Newkirk to call it a "sticky wicket". Carter asks what that is and Hogan calls it the British version of "up the creek without a paddle". Later, after they pick up the pilot, Hogan explains the hitches in their mission and calls it a "sticky wicket". The pilot's (not sarcastic) response? "Well I sure hope I don't get marooned up the stream without an oar." The looks on Hogan, Newkirk, and Carter's face are priceless.

* Usually when Hogan needs Klink out of the way, he scares him off with some story or distracts him with a female Underground agent. One episode however has him set Klink up with a "lovely, young, rich, lonely widow" which Klink falls for hook, line and sinker. At the end of the episode Hogan reveals that he never saw the girl and by virtue of name alone deduces that she has none of those desired qualities. [[spoiler: Cue Klink coming in with two bottles of wine and lovely, young, rich widow in the sidecar of his bike.]]

--> '''Hogan:''' *smiles* Sounded like a train blowing up.

-->'''Klink''': '''''No.'''''

* "What time does the ballon go up" has the heroes pick up a British pilot. Prior to the pick-up, Hogan explains the dangers of the assignment causing Newkirk to call it a "sticky wicket". Carter asks what it is and Hogan calls it the British version of "up the creek without a paddle". Later, after they pick up the pilot, as Hogan explains the hitches in their mission and calls it a "sticky wicket". The pilot's (not sarcastic) response? "Well I sure hope I don't get marooned up the stream without an oar." The looks on on Hogan, Newkirk, and Carter's face are priceless.

* SS General von Himmelburger goes on a rampage at the Hauserhof hotel...

--> '''Newkirk (deadpan):''' He seems depressed.
* "What time does the ballon go up" has the heroes pick up a British pilot. Prior to the pick-up, Hogan explains the dangers of the assignment causing Newkirk to call it a "sticky wicket". Carter askes what it is and Hogan calls it the British version of "up the creek without a paddle". Later, after they pick up the pilot, as Hogan explains the hitches in their mission and calls it a "sticky wicket". The pilot's (not sarcastic) response? "Well I sure hope I don't get marooned up the stream without an oar." The look on on Hogan, Newkirk, and Carter's face is priceless.

--> '''Carter''': ''(to the Gestapo officer he has at gunpoint)'' I beg your pardon.

** Somewhat lessened by the fact that this is literally one of only two times that Hogan really panics. The other one was when a ditzy British colonel parked an entire cargo truck full of dynamite right outside the barracks.

--> '''Hogan:''' Illustrious Luftwaffe.
--> '''Schultz:''' Illustrious Luft...
--> '''Colonel Klink:''' Schultz!

* "What time does the ballon go up" has the heroes pick up a British pilot. Prior to the pick-up, Hogan explains the dangers of the assignment causing Newkirk to call it a "sticky wicket". Carter askes what it is and Hogan calls it the British version of "up the creek without a paddle". Later, after they pick up the pilot, as Hogan explains the hitches in their mission and calls it a "sticky wicket". The pilot's (not sarcastic) response? "Well I sure hope I don't get marooned up the stream without an oar." The look on on Hogan, Newkirk, and Carter's face is priceless.

** The episode's climax, when Schultz plugs the gonculator into a wall outlet. [[spoiler:It explodes, and in the chaos they sneak Major Lutz down the tunnel...but leave behind his uniform, implying it vaporized him]].

--> '''Newkirk (deadpan):''' He seems depressed.

* "The Swing Shift": Newkirk vs. The German Draft Board

--> '''Burkhalter:''' I saw you answer the phone, I heard you say "Mairzy Doats", and I watched you ''eat'' a piece of paper.

* Baker spraying Hochstetter with a fire hose in "It's Dynamite!"

---> '''Schultz:''' Herr Kommandant, this is Captain Müller. He barely escaped the terrible raid!

-->''[Hogan leaves and Carter [[TooDumbToLive starts to head outside]] before being pulled away]''