Funny / Hogan's Heroes

There are SO many in this show, it's hard to catalogue them. But we have to start somewhere...

• Hogan's crew steals a tank from the Third Panzer Division, drives it into Stalag 13 with Newkirk driving it in SS uniform, disassembles it, blueprints it, reassembles it, and returns it. They somehow rigged an entire wall of the recreation hall to open up on hinges. Newkirk drives it in, they close the wall, and he pops out of the tank.
  Newkirk: [as the crew starts disassembling the tank] All I wanted was an oil change!
• "Kommandant of the Year" is full of this, from Klink's acceptance speech to this moment in the cold open, as the gang assesses the top-secret weapon that's been brought to camp.
  Hogan: They know it's safe. The Allies won't bomb a prisoner of war camp.
  Carter: Hey, gang. What about we find out what it is, and if it's important enough we get London to bomb the camp? That'd be great!
  Hogan: Carter? [takes him aside and opens the door] Out.
  Carter: Schultz says I might get shot!
  Hogan: That's right.
  [Hogan leaves and Carter starts to head outside before being pulled away]
• In "I Look Better in Basic Black," when the three girls being kept in the barracks see the floor board moving, they immediately assume the worst and prepare to attack, with Hogan barely managing to announce himself in time with a quick quip to boot.
  Hogan: Hold it! I'm an American.
  Cathy: We thought you were a German.
  Hogan: Germans come through the door. Americans come through the floor.
• Hogan has gotten Klink into a situation where he is completely screwed unless a train carrying the person who's going to get him court-martialed or sent to the Russian front blows up.
  Hogan: Think that the train will blow up.
  Klink: The train will blow up?
  Hogan: Only if you believe.
  Klink: I believe. I believe! *beat* Oh Hogan this is ridiculous!
  *sound of an explosion*
  Klink: What was that?!
  Hogan: *smiles* Sounded like a train blowing up.
  • The situation must be described to be believed. Hogan's crew preventing any escapes has unknowingly made Klink look good to the brass. The boys are trying to stage a simple escape, and Hogan orders them to think small instead of a massive dramatic distraction. Carter promptly sets multiple explosive charges in the yard to fake a bombing raid. Unfortunately, it is at this point that the Inspector General shows up, and Hogan tries to call off the distraction but fails, only stopping things from getting completely out of hand by revealing the escapee. Upon finding out that Klink is to be promoted (due to the boys making him look good), when Klink and the IG come to inspect Hogan's barracks for the last time, the men steal the man's wallet and monocle and plant them on Klink, reveal a secret radio, and then collapse a tunnel under the man, again going too far the other direction and having the man decide to have Klink replaced. Of course, when told to rig the IG's staff car, they steal the motor and replace it with a smoke bomb. (Why, we'll never know). Then two of Hogan's crew in disguise come in with another staff car (being spotted by Schultz, who at this point just wants it to be over with) and take the IG to the train station, where they rig the train to explode so as to kill the IG and keep Klink at his post.
    • When Hogan comes up with the idea to rig the train to explode, he says he needs two Germans.
      Kinch: Oh, how about me?
      Hogan: [double take, Beat] Don't be funny.
  • After Hogan fakes an explosion using a smoke bomb:
    Klink: Is there any damage to the motor?
    Schultz: What motor?
• In "The Prisoner's Prisoner," they capture a German general by cracking him over the head with a bottle of champagne and smuggling him into camp in the guise of a prisoner. Carter (who went along with Hogan) is a little surprised that they're bringing him along, since they're there to blow up his ammo dump and headquarters.
  Hogan: There's a rule against it or something? The Geneva Convention? Not a word! If the Germans can have American prisoners, why can't the American prisoners have a German prisoner? [Beat] If we're wrong, what are they gonna do, lock us up?
  • Also amusing is that's Harcourt Fenton Mudd as the general!
• In "German Bridge is Falling Down", the team is trying to blow up a German bridge called the Adolf Hitler Bridge that survived an Allied airstrike. They're a little short of explosives, and Carter's attempts to improvise one didn't go so well. Then Newkirk pinches a few shells from Schultz's cartridge case, and Hogan gets an idea...
  Hogan: Newkirk, can you pick a lock?
  Newkirk: Sir, I find that question highly insulting.
  Hogan: Sorry, old bean, I should have known.
  • They then proceed to paint insults on the camp armory, giving them reason to be around it and break in to steal ammo with which to make a bomb. They water the paint, then paint the building pink to stall for time while the boys get inside and break down ammo. After Carter puts a bomb together, he tells them how it'll work.
    Newkirk: [imitating a German voice] Hello, Adolf? Did you just see a bridge go by at five thousand feet? Ja? [drops the accent] Well it had your name on it, mate!
  • The fact that they have firecrackers left over from when they managed to convince Klink that LeBeau was Chinese and got to celebrate Chinese New Year. Literally a noodle incident, because LeBeau cooked a whole pot of chow mein with sauerkraut.
• From "The Safecracker Suite":
  • The crew recruit an elderly master thief to break into a hotel safe. Schultz actually manages to spot him, and Hogan tries to pass him off as "just another POW, captured with the rest of us."
    Schultz: Who captured him, der Kaiser?
  • "For the first time since I've taken command here, I want to know nothing, ''nothing'''!" "Schultz, the Iron Colonel needs a vacation."
  • Upon being caught covering for the thief, Carter, LeBeau, and Newkirk launch into a spontaneous a capella rendition of "This Is the Army, Mister Jones." They finish and try to conceal themselves, only for Carter to try to start into a second number.
• Hogan's impersonating a Wehrmacht soldier while holding up a bunch of Gestapo mooks to rescue some fellow Underground agents. Their leader starts trying to persuade him (while facing the wall, as Hogan kisses the female underground agent) to not shoot them.
  Colonel Feldcamp: Capable men like yourself are deserving of a much higher rank! Which I would be happy to recommend, along with your transfer to the Gestapo, where advancement is most regular, along with certain other opportunities which come our way from time to time in the course of loyal service of the Fuhrer, which naturally is of paramount [turns around and sees Hogan kissing her] I beg your pardon. [turns back] Importance!
  Hogan: Enough talk! [fires into the floor behind them, the Gestapo men all fall down thinking they've been shot as Hogan and co. run out]
  Gestapo Mook: After them, Colonel?
  Colonel Feldcamp: After them! [Beat] As soon as I'm sure it's not a trap...
  • Becomes a Brick Joke at the end of the episode where Newkirk accidentally walks in on Hogan "processing" with the female agent.
• "The Top Secret Top Coat" stands out as superlative! Especially for Klink.
  "Now he will ask the questions."
• Klink tells Hogan that a very important visitor is coming to Stalag 13.
  Hogan: Ol' Bubblehead's coming here?
  Klink: I do not appreciate you calling our Fuhrer 'Old Bubblehead!'
  Hogan: How about fruitcake?
• A small but hilarious one: Schultz follows Hogan as he sneaks out of camp and yells at him: "Even you are not supposed to leave the camp!"
• The entire gonculator episode, particularly the looks on everyone's faces when Carter demonstrates how his rabbit trap works.
  • And let's not forget the poor guy in Intelligence who classifies the gonculator as top-secret because he has no idea what it is.
  • The episode's climax, when Schultz plugs the gonculator into a wall outlet. It explodes, and in the chaos they sneak Major Lutz down the tunnel...but leave behind a scorched German uniform, implying it vaporized him.
  • And then, when they've bagged a wabbit, it's clearly a domestic one.
• In 'Hogan's Hofbrau' the look on Schultz's face when he comes into the Hofbrau and Carter, Newkirk and LeBeau all wave at him and Hogan (wearing a German officer's uniform) greets him with a casual, cheery. "Hi Schultz!"
  • After Schultz has just gotten Klink into a lot of trouble:
    Schultz: Colonel, it is against the military code for an officer to strike an enlisted man!
    Klink: Strike you? No. Shoot you, yes!
  • "I'll eat outside." "Why outside?" "Outside is easier to see NUSSINK!"
    Hogan: *talking to Klink and two other officers whilst out of camp in a German officer's uniform* Some of us can sit around drinking beer, I have a prisoner of war camp to run.
    Schultz: Believe me, Herr Kommandant, I am a poor man. I even have no right to be fat.
  • At the end of the episode, Klink comes into the hofbrau while everyone is in there. Newkirk, Carter, and LeBeau are hiding behind the bar, and Hogan is surveying the situation.
    Hogan: Go out the back door.
    Carter: There is no back door!
    LeBeau: I'll make one!
• Hogan tries to convince Klink that if he lets Burkhalter/Hochstetter use Stalag 13 as a storage facility he may as well rename it 'Klink's Gas Station.' Klink scoffs at this but as soon as Hogan leaves the room he accidentally answers the phone with "Klink's Gas Station, Heil Hitler! *beat, then hangs up in frustration*"
• "I'll have you shot, court-martialed and sent to the Russian Front!"
  • "And believe me, I can do it!"
• From "Psychic Kommandant":
  • The crew steal the engine out of a "silent airplane," take it apart, make blueprints, and then have a wee bit of trouble putting it back together.
    LeBeau: [putting the last piece where it clearly doesn't belong] It doesn't fit.
    Hogan: Yes it does. [hits it with a hammer]
    LeBeau: I think you forced it.
    Hogan: It's a German plane. All it understands is force.
  • At the end of the episode, the payoff of the group's semi-unintentional sabotage: the designer starts up the plane, which begins jerking, backfiring, and generally not being silent as the crew cracks wise:
    Newkirk: They call that a silent aeroplane?
    Kinch: [grinning] Maybe he's using cheap gas!
    Hogan: By George, I don't think he's got it!
• From "The Gypsy": The crew convinces Klink that LeBeau, after being struck by lightning, has developed the ability to see the future.
  • Hogan asking Klink if he, Hitler, Goering, and Himmler all go to the same guy for astrology readings.
  • When Klink first sees LeBeau with an earring and his scarf draped over his shoulders like a shawl:
    Klink: Hogan, would you please tell Rudolph Valentino here that he's out of uniform?
  • "This maneuver will be known in military parlance as the 'Klink Dipsy Doodle!'"
  • Newkirk and a box of fireworks acting as a distraction vs. every guard in Stalag 13.
  • Klink orders Schultz and the guards to advance on the commandos (actually Newkirk and a big box of fireworks) just as Newkirk sets off the entire crate at the same time, making everyone duck.
    Klink: Schultz!
    Schultz: He's not here!
    Klink: Schultz, I am ordering you to advance!
    Schultz: Herr Kommandant, may I first talk with my Gypsy?
    Klink: If you can find one at the Russian Front!
    Schultz: [leaps to his feet] FORWARD!
• Klink, while talking to hotel receptionist Bruno, insulting General Burkhalter while Bruno tries to warn him that Burkhalter was waiting in the lobby. A standard sitcom bit, but the performances by all three elevate it a lot:
  Klink: I do not want to talk to him. He's probably found out something about some paperwork I've done wrong and that'll give him a chance to yell at someone for an hour or two. You know something, Bruno? Fat men are supposed to be jolly. General Burkhalter is just a nasty old tub of lard.
  Bruno: Colonel-
  Klink: And the next time he phones, I'm out.
  Bruno: [terrified whisper] He didn't call this time.
  Klink: He didn't? Well, if he didn't, he probably telegraphed, and if he didn't telegraph, he's probably standing right behind me. (laughs, turns around) Oh! What a wonderful surprise, General Burkhalter. I knew you were here all the time. I bet you're ready to blow your lard - I mean, you know I was only kidding, don't you?
  Burkhalter: Of course you were. And I want you to know I haven't laughed like this in years.
  Klink: Yes, sir, as I said before, it's a wonderful surprise. Are you here for any special reason?
  Burkhalter: Yes, I am, Klink. Since you were obviously ducking my phone calls, I decided to see you personally.
  Klink: Ducking your phone calls, sir? Bruno, why didn't you tell me General Burkhalter was-
  Burkhalter: Klink! I heard everything you said.
  Klink: Yes, sir. Now, you know I was only kidding. It was all said in very good fun and I hope you took it in the spirit that it was intended to. After all, I would be the last man to-
  Burkhalter: Shut up, Klink.
  Klink: Yes, sir.
  Burkhalter: Let us go to your room. I will do the talking while you do the packing.
  Klink: Yes, sir, that's fine. You do the talking - Did you say "packing"?
  Burkhalter: That's right, "Killer. " What you said is absolutely true. I really am a nasty old tub of lard.
• An escape artist tells Carter that he can escape from any locked trunk. Later after he escapes from camp against orders, the men think he has taken Carter with him and start talking about how they're going to find Carter. Then Hogan says "I know where Carter is. He's in my footlocker. You're in my footlocker, aren't you Carter?" "Yes sir."
  Hogan: Get him out of there, before I decide to leave him in there.
• Hogan, in a seemingly impossible situation: "I'm up the creek. I don't have a paddle. I don't have a boat. I don't even have a creek!"
  • Somewhat lessened by the fact that this is one of the few times that Hogan really panics. Another time was when a ditzy British colonel parked an entire cargo truck full of dynamite right outside the barracks.
    • Speaking of that episode, the ditzy British colonel attempts to quote Shakespeare to prove that he has a photographic memory. Ahem.
      Crittendon (quoting Merchant of Venice): What light through yonder window breaks.
• Schultz says something Klink doesn't like:
  Klink: Oh shut up! Speak only when you are spoken to!
  Schultz: But you spoke to me Herr Kommandant!
  Klink: Next time, don't answer!
• While trying to break into Klink's safe the phone rings:
  Hogan: Answer the phone, tell him it's the wrong number.
  Carter: I'm sorry, you've got the wrong number. *beat* So what if you haven't told me who you're calling yet? No matter who you're calling it's still the wrong number because I don't even have a phone!
  • Hogan hangs up the phone. It rings and Carter answers it again.
    Hello? Oh, hi... I didn't mean to hang up on you before but you really do have the wrong number. This is a prisoner of war camp. Who am I? I'm a prisoner.
    • Hogan makes him hang up again. As they leave it rings again and they have to drag Carter out to keep him from answering again.
• Klink is trying to downplay the severity of an Allied bombing:
  Colonel Klink: No damage was done and your bombers suffered severe losses at the hands of our illustrious Luftwaffe.
  Schultz: Herr Kommandant, this is Captain Müller. He barely escaped the terrible raid!
  Colonel Klink: That raid was a complete failure!
  Schultz: No, Herr Kommandant! They knocked the stuffing out of the Messerschmitt factory and got away from the Luftwaffe!
  Hogan: Illustrious Luftwaffe.
  Schultz: Illustrious Luft...
  Colonel Klink: Schultz!
• Everything involving Sergeant Freddie in "Monkey Business".
• The "Roll Out The Barrel" scene from "Top Hat, White Tie, and Bomb Sights," where, knowing that Klink bugged the barracks, Hogan has an Exact Eavesdropping conversation in the middle of the prisoners singing, timing the song so Klink can't hear the whole thing.
  • Later in the episode, the Germans ply Hogan with a night out on the town to get him to reveal the secrets of the Norden bomb sight. He gives them all the details, including drawing a picture...and Klink and Burkhalter collectively realize he's talking about the Norden vacuum cleaner.
• After an escape plan goes awry in "Reservations Are Required," Hogan must come up with a way to keep the escapees from being noticed—so he grabs a water bucket and dumps it on two of his own men.
  Hogan: [soaks two of his men to protect the escapees] And that's for trying to escape in the water truck!
  Klink: [bursts in and moves right past the two men without even noticing] Alright, Hogan, where are the two prisoners?
  Hogan: If you stood any closer to them your Iron Cross would get rusty.
  • Earlier in the episode, two escapees accost LeBeau and ask to be taken to Hogan. When he agrees, they whistle, and eighteen more guys pop up out of the underbrush.
    LeBeau: What did you do? Build your tunnel through Times Square?
• Kinchloe messing with the electronic gates in "Will the Real Adolf Please Stand Up?"
• Hochstetter gets one in "The Missing Klink" when he is made to believe that Klink is Nimrod. Two hours and a desk full of paper later, Burkhalter puts it best:
  Burkhalter: I saw you answer the phone, I heard you say "Mairzy Doats", and I watched you eat a wad of paper.
• "The Swing Shift": Newkirk vs. The German Draft Board
• Schultz gets a epic one (complete with musical number) in "Sergeant Schultz Meets Mata Hari". The Heroes are discussing their latest plan, with the tunnel exposed when Schultz literally comes waltzing in, singing to Strauss's "Blue Danube". He spots the exposed tunnel, mistakes it for a hole that needs to be fixed before "someone gets hurt", and waltzes out, still singing (LeBeau and Carter wind up having to hold the door closed to keep him from coming back in). Response?
  Newkirk: He seems depressed.
• "What Time Does the Balloon Go Up" has the heroes pick up a British pilot. Prior to the pick-up, Hogan explains the dangers of the assignment causing Newkirk to call it a "sticky wicket". Carter asks what that is and Hogan calls it the British version of "up the creek without a paddle". Later, after they pick up the pilot, Hogan explains the hitches in their mission and calls it a "sticky wicket". The pilot's (not sarcastic) response? "Well I sure hope I don't get marooned up the stream without an oar." The looks on Hogan, Newkirk, and Carter's face are priceless.
• The crew goes to rescue an Allied soldier that they more-or-less handed over to the Germans (It Makes Sense in Context) and who is held at Gestapo HQ in Hammelburg. The boys bluff their way in wearing German uniforms, and Carter pulls a gun on the man.
  Carter: Alright. You wanna tell me what cell the English prisoner is in?
  German Officer: Nine.
  Carter: (mistaking it for a "Nein") So you won't talk, huh?
  LeBeau: He means number nine, stupid. Let's go!
  Carter: (to the Gestapo officer he has at gunpoint) I beg your pardon.
• SS General von Himmelburger goes on a rampage at the Hauserhof hotel...
  • And then threatens to have everyone transferred to the Russian front - including the hotel itself!
• The episode where the boys are given the task to tie up the German General Staff...on D-Day. Their method? Their usual, the mutant offspring of the Kansas City Shuffle and Bavarian Fire Drill. However, today's special? Convincing the generals that Hitler is trying to find the most incompetent colonel in the German military to make him the new Army Chief of Staff. The colonel in question? Klink. Worse still is that it worked. Then when the calls start coming in that the Allies are invading, Klink calls the real Hitler for orders (his promotion coming from Kinch on the phone contingent upon him not giving any orders without Hitler's direction). He gets a general, just as confused as Klink about the whole mess (mainly because he hadn't heard anything about this). Then the general hangs up on him.
  Klink: General Bourneman...General Bourneman? [Beat] We've been cut off.
  Schultz: Shall I try to get him back, Herr Kommandant?
  Klink: No.
• Usually when Hogan needs Klink out of the way, he scares him off with some story or distracts him with a female Underground agent. One episode however has him set Klink up with a "lovely, young, rich, lonely widow" which Klink falls for hook, line and sinker. At the end of the episode Hogan reveals that he never saw the girl and by virtue of name alone deduces that she has none of those desired qualities. Cue Klink coming in with two bottles of wine and a lovely, young, rich widow in the sidecar of his bike.
• The boys get a shot-down Russian pilot smuggled into camp who insists on going back to Russia, instead of along the normal escape route to England. The crew has no ties in that direction, so how do they get him to Russia? By dressing him up as a German and having him transferred to the Russian Front.
  • Also from that episode, the Russian pilot is very patriotic and eager to get back to the fighting. So in order to keep him from running away while Hogan comes up with a plan, the heroes ask him whats so great about Russia. Half an episode and one new escape plan later, he's only about half-way done with his story. Newkirk and LeBeau, who were unlucky enough to be his audience, are practically asleep.
    • The best part is that Carter, also part of the Russian's audience, is still listening with rapt attention.
• The crew needs to stop a fake double of a friend of Hogan's from escaping from Stalag 13 to assassinate Winston Churchill.
  Hogan: We can't bust Robby out until we're sure we have his double stopped.
  Newkirk: Well that's no problem, sir. You just give me one of our guns and I'll put a nice neat hole right between his eyes. Now that might not stop him, but it'll sure slow him down a bit!
• Hogan is berating Klink (again) and trying to pull another Bavarian Fire Drill to get him away from his office so they can copy some papers in his safe.
  Hogan: Who's running this camp?
  Klink: [dejectedly] You are.
• "Gowns By Yvette" gives us Schultz in a wedding dress. That is all.
• The sheer amount of chutzpah that Hogan uses to get by in the camp sometimes is ridiculous.
  Klink: What do you want, Hogan?
  Hogan: Whatever you're drinking.
• A shot-down Russian pilot is dropped off with the Heroes and initially believes that they are the enemy, holding a gun on them.
  Iggy: How do I know you are telling truth?
  Hogan: How do you know we're not?
  Kinchloe: The colonel is leveling with you. Beat [sighs] Do I look German to you?
  Iggy: [lowers the gun]
  • And if you watch carefully, Iggy gives the gun to Kinch — he STILL doesn't trust any of the other Heroes.
• Carter impersonates Hitler to get some film out of camp and to the Underground.
  Carter: [sees Schultz] What is this? I gave the order, no more barrage balloons!
  Carter: [leaving the camp and receiving heils from Klink and Schultz] Yes, yes, by all means. [Aside Glance] Wiedersehen, folks.
• The Heroes need to rescue four major Underground leaders being held at Stalag 13 by the Gestapo. How? They make the Germans at the Stalag think the war is over. And it works.
  • This line when the con is exposed, and Klink gleefully realizes that all of his prisoners are still accounted for:
    Klink: Schultz, close the gates! The war is back on!
• Hogan and Klink fly a stolen plane, when Hogan cuts off the engine and leads Klink to believe that they ran out of fuel in midflight; Hogan says they'll half to jump. Klink frantically dangles from the cockpit, freaking out and afraid to jump, so Hogan tells him, "Okay! We'll stick together then, pal!" Hogan pries Klink's hands loose, while Klink plummets down to earth, letting out an unrealistically calm-sounding, "Hoooooooooooooooooooooogaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!"
  • Earlier in the episode, the two are in an RAF airbase. Klink is impersonating an RAF officer so they can steal a P-51. Hogan is going along on the mission to help compromise the German spy network in England. A colonel comes in to speak with Hogan (who is shaving) while Klink is in the shower.
    Col. Forbes: Good luck, Hogan.
    Hogan: [sighs as Klink starts singing in German in the shower] I'll need it!
• Klink's window-rattling Big "WHAT?!" during "Monkey Business."
  Klink: When I looked out that window, I thought I saw a chimpanzee raking in the garden.
  Hogan: Well, if it'll make you feel any better, there is a chimpanzee raking in the garden.
  Klink: That's what I thought. Well, I need a rest- [Beat] WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!!
  • And earlier in the episode, when they're having trouble contacting an English submarine:
    LeBeau: Maybe they've stopped for tea.
    Newkirk: I find that in very bad taste old boy.
    Submarine: Royal Navy 371, calling Stalag 13, come in Stalag 13, over.
    Hogan: Colonel Hogan here, glad you could read us. We were worried when you didn't answer our call.
    Submarine: Nothing to worry about, old boy, the Gerrys have a destroyer tracking us. We've managed to give him the slip just in time for tea. (Depth charges detonate) One lump, Willaby, please.
• Hogan asks London for a million dollars in diamonds so he can pay off a crooked Gestapo agent who has them over a barrel.
  Kinch: I just got the answer from London. Supreme Allied Headquarters, London, To Colonel Robert Hogan, Stalag 13. Regarding your request for $1 million in diamonds. Quote: Are you nuts? Unquote.
• The crew listens to their bug in Klink's office:
  Newkirk: Who's on today?
  Kinch: Burkhalter and Klink.
  Newkirk: [completely deadpan] Turn it up, they're my favorite comedy team.
• Baker spraying Hochstetter with a fire hose in "It's Dynamite!"
• From the final episode, Hogan is protesting a rocket launcher (as in a truck with a rocket mounted on it) being brought into the camp. He's telling Burkhalter that the Germans can't legally do that, and Burkhalter has Klink inform Hogan that Burkhalter is not speaking to him. The two start talking with Klink as an intermediary until Burkhalter points out that Klink shouldn't be talking to him either. Then Schultz gets tapped as the middle-man, until Burkhalter, Klink, and Hogan are simply yelling at each other.
  Schultz: Please! [the others stop and look at him] Wait for me!
• In "The Meister Spy", Hogan carries out a plan to make Klink believe that a German spy is a fraud. He eavesdrops on the office until satisfied that Klink has taken the bait, then steps outside.
  Hogan: Schultz, Colonel wants you.
  Schultz: I didn't hear him call me.
  Hogan: Yeah, I know, but why wait 'til the last minute? I think he has a prisoner he wants locked in the cooler.
  Schultz: How can you think you know what he wants me to do before the Kommandant even thinks he knows what he thinks he wants me to do? Impossible!
  Klink: [From his office] Schultz, on the double! I have a prisoner to go in the cooler immediately.
  [Hogan walks off. The camera zooms in on Schultz looking utterly dumbstruck.]
• Klink basically summing up all the issues he faces.
  Klink: Schultz, you're the most stupid man in the camp. And what's worse, you're my top man.
• In "The Return of Major Bonacelli", Kinch is on the line with London, and Newkirk chimes in:
  Newkirk: Uh, just a moment, miss. Would you care to be a pen pal to a lonely British war hero in a German prison camp who lies in his bunk staring at the ceiling, wondering if ever again he'll see the white cliffs of Dover or go strolling through the heather in the Highlands or take a rosy-cheeked English lass punting on the Thames?
  Operator: Stand by, Papa Bear. Our wires have just been crossed with The BBC and we're getting one of those dreadful soap operas.
• In "Fat Hermann, Go Home," Schultz gets roped into posing as Hermann Goering. Why? Mostly so Marya can make off with the trainload of (stolen) art from Goering's collection that's being transported near the camp. Hogan has a similar idea, but doesn't know Marya's plan or that it's Schultz, not Goering, until the Heroes try to kidnap him. The capper is how Marya refers to the priceless art that they're about to heist.
  Marya: All this, for a trainload of secondhand art?
• In one episode, Hochstetter questions Hogan about some info in regards to his old unit. Hochstetter threatens to place Hogan into a special cell, one that was too small to stand up, or lay down in. Hogan's response — "Reminds me of a hotel room in Cleveland." Hochstetter then responds that the cell gets very hot in the Summer and very cold in the Winter. Hogan's response — "That's the hotel room in Cleveland!" When Hochstetter asks Hogan what he has to say about his offer, Hogan's response — "You've made me homesick for Cleveland."

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