History Funny / ASlapOnTitan

--> '''Kidnapper #1:''' Ding Dong!
--> '''Mikasa's Father:''' [[KilledMidSentence Hey guys-]]
--> '''Kidnapper #1:''' Surprise, knife!
--> '''Kidnapper #2:''' Unnecessary murder is fun!

--> (''Eren knocks on the door'')
--> '''Kidnapper #2:''' Oh hey, pizza's here.
--> (''Eren stabs the first kidnapper'')
--> '''Kidnapper #1:''' Holy shit! Okay that's it, you bastard! No tips for you!
--> (''Eren stabs the second kidnapper'')
--> '''Kidnapper #1:''' (''Screams'')
--> '''Eren:''' Surprise, spear!
--> '''Kidnapper #1:''' Ow! Foiled by my own tactics!
--> '''Eren:''' Die, you bastard die!
--> '''Kidnapper #1:''' Prepubescent Franchise/{{Rambo}}!
--> '''Eren:''' Fat people are the worst scum in the world! Die!

-->'''Ascot Man:''' What the FUCK!? Fuck you, Eren! I'm going to eat your soul! I'm gonna annihilate you, kid! You see this fucking ascot I'm wearing!? This is my child-beating ascot! I got it for beating 50 kids in a row. That's right, Eren! You're fucked! I LOVE beating children and looking GOOD in this ascot! WOOOOOO! I'm fucking wild right now! Overpowering kids fills my self-esteem! Eren, you ever ridden a horse? Aren't those things fucking weird? Have you ever seen one of their dicks? I remember the first time I saw one! I've felt like less of a man and for years I've suffered from gender identity issues until I beat the shit out of my first child! Yeah! I love children's tears! "The Sun will come out tomorrow!" Just not for your bitch ass, I'm choking your lights out! Get fucked! Man, Eren you gettin' yo ass WHOOPED! Man I wish I had someone around when I was a kid to beat the shit outta me like man you lucky bitch! Even when I was a kid I knew I need to get my ass beat, but no one would ever hit me! Do you know how traumatic that shit is!?! I had the worst childhood ever! All I wanted for my dad to really just whip my ass! Just one good slap on the butt cheek! But nobody ever did! Now you kids have it so easy nowadays! Now I'm gonna beat the shit outta you HARDER NOW, [[KilledMidSentence you fucking bit-]]

-->'''Eren:''' It involves my best friend, and it always ends with us getting our asses beat!

-->'''Timmy:''' What about the soy derivatives?

* "Please alert the [[Creator/WhoopiGoldberg Whoopiest of Goldbergs]] about this predicament."

-->Apparently a common boy has transformed into a titan!
-->That is ENTIRELY the cat's meow.
-->Indubitably! The mud-dwellers in Wall Rose are calling him a "savior".
-->Ha, plebs!
-->That's just the bees's knees!
-->Holy shit, [[Franchise/HarryPotter Sirius Black's]] on the loose!

-->One of our own has taken back Trost!
-->Victory for the working class!
-->I'd be a lot more impressed if he can transform into a piece of bread.
-->Eren is a savior!
-->Can we crucify him for our sins or do we have to wait 'till after supper?

-->'''Niles:''' That woman ''redefined'' what it means to be a whore.
-->'''Civilian #1:''' [=STDs=] were like Pokémon for her; she had to catch 'em all!
-->'''Civilian #2:''' She went through entire villages in a day, kid!
-->'''Civilian #3:''' Sex with your mom made me want to become a better man!

-->'''Pastor Nick:''' Wait! Wait one motherfucking second, that boy Carla Yeager's baby?
-->'''Niles:''' Yes!
-->'''Pastor Nick:''' Oh my GOD! That was the FINEST hoe this empire ever seen! Back in my pimpin' days, before I found the Walls, we all wanted to get a piece of that Carla! She could suck a dick like it was SCRIPTURE!
-->'''Zackley:''' It was beautiful.
-->'''Pastor Nick:''' I remember the day we all heard she was getting married to that doctor boy - Gribba or some shit - we were sorry for years!
-->'''Eren:''' Enough!
-->'''Pastor Nick:''' It was a choice with [[{{Pun}} HOE]] regrets!
-->'''Eren:''' Objection!
-->'''Pastor Nick:''' Praise the Walls!
-->'''Crowd:''' PRAISE THE WALLS! (''The crowd bursts into an uproar'')

-->'''Pixis:''' I don't remember a thing. I was drunk the entire time.

-->'''Zackley:''' Reading the testimony of Rico Brzenska, she states that during the Trost campaign, you went, and I quote, “flat-out apeshit, attacking his sister and punching several buildings before knocking himself out like a little [[ThisIsForEmphasisBitch bitch]].” End quote.
-->(''Eren looks at Rico dumbfounded'')
-->'''Mikasa:''' [[WhatTheHellHero What the]] ''[[PrecisionFStrike fuck]]'', Rico?!
-->'''Rico:''' Oh, go screw your brother.

-->'''Pastor Nick:''' Ahahahaha! Aahahahaha! Eren and Mikasa sitting in a tree! F-U-C-K-I-N-G![[note]]HilariousInHindsight when considers what happens in the manga's AudienceAlienatingEnding[[/note]]
-->'''Eren:''' No! That's not how it is!
-->'''Pastor Nick:''' Ahahahaha! Mikasa love you long time! Ah, getitit'sfunny'causeyouAsian,bitch! Ahahaha! Chingitty-chang-chong in a chocolate factory!
-->'''Eren:''' Can we PLEASE get him out of the courtroom?
-->'''Zackley:''' I'm sorry. This is far too entertaining.
-->'''Pastor Nick:''' Hey, hey, hey, Eren, Eren, Eren! Do your sister need any money?
-->'''Eren:''' No!
-->'''Pastor Nick:''' I bet she does! MIKASA NEED ''MON-AAAAAAY!!!''

-->'''Pastor Nick:''' Yeah! Yeah! Whoop his ass! Whoop his ass! Gotta beat the bitch to teach the bitch!
-->(''Mikasa attempts to intervene only to be restrained by Armin'')
-->'''Armin:''' No! [[MiseryBuildsCharacter The pain will help him grow]]!
-->'''Rico:''' Work him out! Work him out!
-->'''Pastor Nick:''' Run his wallet!
-->'''Zackley:''' Cunt! Piece of shit! Honkey!
-->'''Civilian #1:''' Yeah, kick his ass!
-->'''Civilian #2:''' Bite his balls!
-->'''Pastor Nick:''' Glory, Hallelujah!
-->'''Zackley:''' Cracker bitch motherfucker! Frostback! Obama lover!

-->'''Ascot Man:''' WOOOOO! Eren you gettin' yo ass WHOOPED! Even from Hell I can see a beating like this! God DAMN!

-->'''Connie:''' My dreams...my dreams.
-->'''Sasha:''' Sooo, the stripping was that bad, huh?
-->'''Connie:''' Mama, forgive me.
-->'''Ymir:''' It wasn't just bad, it was legendary.
-->'''Krista:''' I think it may have actually qualified as a war crime.
--> (''[Connie's] Ranting in Spanish'')
-->'''Sasha:''' What happened?
-->'''Krista:''' Well, it started off promising, but after the act with the donkey, the bystander injuries, and the roof collapse we had to shut everything down. That's it, no more orgies. Connie ruined everything.
-->'''Ymir:''' I feel like I need to bleach my eyeballs.
-->'''Krista:''' I feel like I need to bleach my soul.
-->'''Ymir:''' It was like watching a dead pigeon flutter on the ground.
-->(''More pathetic Connie tears'')
-->'''Krista:''' I actually feel better watching our friends burn than I did watching him strip.
-->(''Connie's audible tears'')

--> '''Jean:''' Is this you, Marco? Or is it one of the many others we lost?
--> '''Random Soldier:''' Jean, stop picking up random bones!
--> '''Jean:''' From the very beginning you were there, trying to guide us. I've lived a long life of douchebaggery, but perhaps, there was another way to go?
--> (''Jean has his Marco vision'')
--> '''Marco:''' Look Jean, I'm an angel! [[CallBack Betcha' believe in me now,]] [[PrecisionFStrike you dumb motherfucker!]] [[LargeHam WOOHOOHOO, PRAISE THE WALLS!]]
--> '''Jean:''' I believe Marco, I BELIEVE!!!!!
-->'''Krista:''' Wow. Jean's really lost it this time.
-->'''Ymir:''' Yeah, between his apathy and Connie's emasculation, I think we make up most of the testosterone left in the 104th.
-->'''Krista:''' Agreed.
--> '''Jean:''' Guys, hey hey guys, have you decided which division you're joining? Because...I think Marco's telling me I need to change!
-->'''Krista:''' Jean, you okay buddy? I think you might have inhaled too much smoke.
--> '''Jean:''' WHAT WOULD MARCO DOOOOOO?!!!
-->'''Krista:''' For real, we're kinda worried about you.
-->'''Ymir:''' Kinda.
-->'''Krista:''' Cause for the last two hours, all you've done is inhale the ashes of our dead comrades and scavenge random bones off the ground like a shrew.
--> '''Jean:''' I THINK MARCO IS INSIDEEEE MEEEE!
-->'''Ymir:''' Okay, you want me to grab the flask?
-->'''Krista:''' Yeah. Double the dosage on this one, I'm not taking any chances.

-->'''Erwin:''' I know many of you have concerns regarding the rumors about hazing in our group. Well, I am proud to announce that THIS is a thing of the past! That's right! We are a no haze zone! No longer shall the new class be forced to hang upside down while being paddled with the blunt end of a sword. Tell your squad leaders "No haze zone" and they'll respect it!
-->'''Petra:''' His stupid fucking policy.
-->'''Eld:''' He's so proud of that.
-->'''Petra:''' Nobody enforces it.
-->'''Erwin:''' Second, I want to touch on the rumors that the Survey Corps has a problem with drugs. That is absolutely, positively, true.
--> (''The crowd gasps and whispers'')
-->'''Erwin:''' Which is why I am instituting a mandatory drug test!
--> (''More gasps and whispers from the crowd, with a more disappointed mood'')
-->'''Eld:''' Well, at least we know.
-->'''Petra:''' If you stop smoking now, you just might pass.
-->'''Eld:''' No. I will literally pay you 20% of my salary if I can use your piss.
-->'''Petra:''' 25.
-->'''Eld:''' Deal.

-->'''Erwin:''' Here's the truth! Most of you are going to die! (''Jean'') You're dead, (''Reiner'') you're dead, (''Connie'') you are definitely dead, (''Mikasa'') you're cute so you might live, (''Sasha'') dead, (''Annie'') dead, (''Krista'') dead, (''Armin'') aaaaaaaand dead! You! In the back, you're probably dead! You, ESPECIALLY you! You, by the Walls, I don't even wanna know what's going to happen to you! One of the most interesting things you'll see in the Survey Corps is the wide variety of ways a human being can die. Who knows how you'll pass! You might be like Meel and get your colon pulled out from your esophagus. You might be like Carol and get ripped apart by three titans at once! Or, you might be like Larry and get trampled by a mule, there are SO many ways to go! What I want you all to take away from this is that you are all titan fodder and you can look forward to pain and suffering upon joining the Survey Corps. (''{{Beat}}'') Literally all we do is die.

--> I used to have a job crushing cans. It was so depressing (''God shut up Erwin'')
--> (''Awkward silence'')
--> Excuse me, sir! Would like like your milk in a bag? No thank you, it will just LEAK OUT!
--> (''Crowd murmuring with one soldier going "When's the punch line coming?"'')
--> What's brown, long, and sticky? A stick.
--> (''Someone - possibly Oluo - yelling "FUCKING KILL MEEE!"'')
--> What does a nosy pepper do? (''What?'') GETS JALAPENO BUSINESS!!
--> (''Petra says "He's literally murdering our future!"'')
--> How do you tell a dogwood apart from any other tree? (''Random soldier yelling "YOU SUCK!"'') By its bark!
--> (''[Another soldier mumbles] Racist.'')
--> TWO sausages are lying in a frying pan! One looks at another and says "It's getting awfully hot in here", the other says "AHH! A TALKING SAUSAGE!"
--> (''God that was inspiringly bad'')

* Eren's voice in general is pretty hilarious, as is Armin's, Jean's, and Connie's.
* Hannes's voice is also hilarious, as he's portrayed with a Southern drawl and as an alcoholic.

-->'''Eren:''' "Jeez! Holy ''FUCK'', Mikasa! I think you just permanently altered my spine! You should become, like, a chiropractor for hunchbacks! You could probably reset a Titan's vertebrae alone! You could probably commit seppuku with an acupuncture needle! I really don't know how to handle this! I've been crippled by your mutant strength, and my personal issues with having a fake sister adding me to the disability registry!"

-->'''Mikasa:''' "And I'm crippled by the fact that you still won't accept me as your sister. ''And lover.''"
-->'''Eren:''' "What did you say?"
-->'''Mikasa:''' "Nothing! [[NonSequitur I am the night!]]"

-->(''The gates begin to close behind them)

* Shadis's - er, Sarge's - voice in this abridged parody. Compared to Creator/TeamFourStar's take which makes him sound like an exaggerated version of Creator/PatrickWarburton, this version of Sarge goes full Creator/RLeeErmey and is just as hilarious.

* Reiner's portrayal as a DumbJock.

--> '''Sensei:''' And now comes that last part of your training, in which I abandon you so you can become a bitter hateful woman! Just like my master did to me!
--> '''Young Annie:''' But sensei! You promised never to leave me!
--> '''Sensei:''' YES! SO YOU COULD BECOME MORE HATEFUL THEN I EVER WAS!
--> '''Young Annie:''' [[BigNo NO! NOOOOOOOO!!!]]
--> '''Sensei:''' Go Go Gadget Daddy Issues!
--> '''Annie:''' And then he left...and now I [[GroinAttack kick men in the balls.]]
--> {{Beat}}
--> '''Eren:''' [[EveryoneHasStandards Ok, that's really fucked up,]] but what I meant to ask was how do you do all that and still look bored?

--> (''[The other cadets engaging in] inhaling and high pitched laughing)

* Reiner asks Annie to give him a handjob because they're about to die soon, which she only agrees to because she's curious. He doesn't get to enjoy for long as [[MomentKiller Mikasa arrives to ruin the moment]].

-->"Do you have a sideways Asian pussy?"

-->(''Connie and Jean arrive at the top of the Wall'')

-->'''Connie:''' You are buying me new pants the second this shit is over!

** He has a moment of ItsAllAboutMe when he complains about everyone ignoring his awesomeness to focus on Eren being able to turn into a Titan, and he calls Eren "Babydick" and "Justin Bieber" while doing so.

--> (Petra says "He's literally murdering our future!")

--> '''Kidnapper #2:'''Unnecessary murder is fun!

-->(''High pitched horse sounds, followed by more high pitched laughing'')

-->'''Vermin:''' In this military we fight using a vague understanding of physics and thigh bondage. I expect you to uphold these principles when you face the titans. News flash! EVERYONE IS DEAD! So we're sending YOU! Don't forget, the Armored Titan showed up last time and murdered everybody even more dead! He's due to arrive any minute now! And lastly, anyone who runs away will be KILLED on the spot! Uphold the King's strength, and most important - when you're out there, don't forget...to have fun.

* We cut to a group of civilians whose evacuation is being blocked by a merchant's cargo. The merchant is an EvilCapitalist, and the civilians are socialist revolutionaries. A little girl gets reassured by her mother that "Lenin was still right" and that everything will be fine. To which she asks her mother, "Mommy, what did Lenin say about that?" as she points behind her. Cue the arrival of the infamous "floppy-armed"/"Titan-san is late to school" titan. Only this time around the titan's mad dash is set to "Chacarron Macarron" making it even more {{Narm}}ier and hilarious than before.

** As the kidnappers hang out in Mikasa's house, they get confused as to what world they are in. And by that, one thinks Asians are a rarity to which his friend says that there are billions of Asians online. And it only gets more convoluted from there.

-->'''Connie:''' (''High'') Oh look at me! My name's Mikasa! And I can't control my raging ovaries!

* Commander Vermin's main reason for wanting to kill Eren, Mikasa, and Armin amounts to hating how much Eren's control of his Titan form resembles piloting a HumongousMecha in an anime, and he detests mecha anime. Then Eren [[SkewedPriorities argues with him about]] how ''Anime/NeonGenesisEvangelion'' is a classic, and after Rico suggests that Eren is part of the {{Shipping}} community, she has to remind Vermin that their higher-ups won't be too pleased to know that he had three cadets executed based purely on his hatred of anime.

->'''Rico:''' The soldiers are dressed sir. No movement spotted inside the smoke.

-->'''Female Soldier':''' Such a clever little monster. Was strategy always your passion?

-->'''Connie:''' ('English'') I just wet myself because of you! I'm supposed to strip tonight!

-->'''Guard #2:''' Hey Harold! That glass you werte talking about, I'm pretty sure it just got smashed, trampled, and GROUND INTO OUR FUCKING EYEBALLS!
* Sarge's voice in this abridged parody. Compared to Creator/TeamFourStar's take which makes him sound like an exaggerated version of Creator/PatrickWarburton, this version of Sarge goes full Creator/RLeeErmey and is just as hilarious.

* Franz and Hannah are portrayed as NewAgeRetroHippie[=s=] who think they can beat the titans with the PowerOfLove.

** Sarge hates Sasha's name because it's "a whore's name"[[note]]For those who don't get the joke, there is a pornstar named Sasha Grey[[/note]] and so renames her to Pyle.

* As the civilians trying to evacuate get interrupted by a merchant whose cargo is blocking the door, the Socialist girl gets reassured by her mother that "Lenin was still right" and that everything will be alright. To which she asks her mother, "Mommy, what did Lenin say about that?" Cue the arrival of the infamous "floppy-armed"/"Titan-san is late to school" titan. Only this time around the titan's mad dash is set to "Chacarron Macarron" making it even more {{Narm}}ier and hilarious than before.

--> '''Kidnapper #1:''' Surprise, knife! Unnecessary murder is fun!
** And in a moment of LaserGuidedKarma, Eren murdering the first kidnapper.

--> '''Kidnapper #1:''' Oh hey, pizza's here.

--> '''Kidnapper #2:''' Holy shit! Okay that's it, you bastard! No tips for you!

* Connie tries to pull a BigDamnHeroes moment and rescue Jean from a titan, only to swing right into the side of the Titan's head and hurt his leg. Then he and Jean get into a screaming match over his EpicFail, with Connie ranting in Spanish the whole time.

-->(
-->'''Garrison Girl #1:''' Oh shit! We found a jackpot!

** He has a moment of ItsAllAboutMe when he complains about everyone ignoring his awesomeness to focus on Eren being able to turn into a Titan, and he calls Eren "baby dick" and "Justin Bieber" while doing so.

* Connie tries to pull a BigDamnHeroes moment and rescue Jean from a Titan, only to swing right into the side of the Titan's head and hurt his leg. Then he and Jean get into a screaming match over his EpicFail, with Connie ranting in Spanish the whole time.

* The already memetic "Cleaning Levi" scene gets given a much more sexual spin. Made even funnier once Eren shows up.

* Turns out, Hange wasn't joking when she said Mike was the Survey Corps's pet dog. He literally only talks in dog noises.

[[folder:Episode 3]]

** After Niles and Erwin give their statements, Zackley asks Pixis for his own statement. Pixis's response? He was drunk, and so doesn't remember anything.
** The judge reading Rico's report on Eren.

-->'''Niles''': That woman ''redefined'' what it means to be a whore.
-->'''Civilian #1''': [=STDs=] were like Pokémon for her; she had to catch 'em all!
-->'''Civilian #2''': She went through entire villages in a day, kid!
-->'''Civilian #3''': Sex with your mom made me want to become a better man!

-->'''Pastor Nick''': Wait! Wait one motherfucking second, that boy Carla Yeager's baby?
-->'''Niles''': Yes!
-->'''Pastor Nick''': Oh my GOD! That was the FINEST hoe this empire ever seen! Back in my pimpin' days, before I found the Walls, we all wanted to get a piece of that Carla! She could suck a dick like it was SCRIPTURE!
-->'''Zackley''': It was beautiful.
-->'''Pastor Nick''': I remember the day we all heard she was getting married to that doctor boy - Gribba or some shit - we were sorry for years!
-->'''Eren''': Enough!
-->'''Pastor Nick''': It was a choice with [[{{Pun}} HOE]] regrets!
-->'''Eren''': Objection!
-->'''Pastor Nick''': Praise the Walls!
-->'''Crowd''': PRAISE THE WALLS! (''The crowd bursts into an uproar'')

-->'''Zackley''': Reading the testimony of Rico Brzenska, she states that during the Trost campaign, you went, and I quote, “flat-out apeshit, attacking his sister and punching several buildings before knocking himself out like a little [[ThisIsForEmphasisBitch bitch]].” End quote.

-->'''Mikasa''': [[WhatTheHellHero What the]] ''[[PrecisionFStrike fuck]]'', Rico?!
-->'''Rico''': Oh, go screw your brother.

-->'''Pastor Nick''': Ahahahaha! Aahahahaha! Eren and Mikasa sitting in a tree! F-U-C-K-I-N-G![[note]]HilariousInHindsight when considers what happens in the manga's AudienceAlienatingEnding[[/note]]
-->'''Eren''': No! That's not how it is!
-->'''Pastor Nick''': Ahahahaha! Mikasa love you long time! Ah, getitit'sfunny'causeyouAsian,bitch! Ahahaha! Chingitty-chang-chong in a chocolate factory!
-->'''Eren''': Can we PLEASE get him out of the courtroom?
-->'''Zackley''': I'm sorry. This is far too entertaining.

** Following that, we get the crowd yelling "Yes!" to the beat of Levi's PunctuatedPounding, on top of Pastor Nick dancing.

** While Connie is sobbing himself out, let's see how Jean has been coping with Marco's death.

--> '''Marco:''' Look Jean, I'm an angel! [[CallBack Betcha' believe in me now,]] [[PrecisionFStrike you dumb motherfucker!]] [[LargeHam WEW, PRAISE THE WALLS!]]

** Jean loses it so hard that even [[PsychoLesbian Ymir and Krista]] become worried for him.

-->'''Erwin''': I know many of you have concerns regarding the rumors about hazing in our group. Well, I am proud to announce that THIS is a thing of the past! That's right! We are a no haze zone! No longer shall the new class be forced to hang upside down while being paddled with the blunt end of a sword. Tell your squad leaders "No haze zone" and they'll respect it!

** After all that BrutalHonesty, Erwin attempts to lighten the mood by telling some jokes. Unfortunately, Erwin is a bad comedian and so all of jokes are incredibly lame and cringy.
** And with that, Erwin's speech is done. However, considering what he had been saying over the past few minutes, the cadets proceed to leave in droves, either because they were scared away by his BrutalHonesty about the mortality rate or because his jokes were so cringy and out-of-touch that they can't stand him. One can only assume how much {{Facepalm}}[=ing=] Squad Levi has doing offscreen considering how offscript Erwin went.

-->'''Krista''': Well, looks like we can drop the act now.
-->'''Ymir''': Thank God. I thought those [[SlippingAMickey roofies]] would never kick in.
-->'''Krista''': But they did. ''And now, another joins the coven''.

-->'''Eren''': Yes! Yes! Fuck yes! Look at that Mikasa! Look! Fuck you and your fat stupid face! You bitch! Now nobody will know my mom was a whore!
-->(''The crowd bursts out into a string of gasps and whats, with one person saying "Eren's mama was a whore?"'')
-->'''Eren''': SHIT!

--> '''Annie''': As a baby, I was abandoned in the forest and left to die. I was [[RaisedByWolves raised by woodland critters]] to the age of six, when a DrunkenMaster found me and raised me as his daughter. He taught me how to fight and kill until one night...
--> '''Sensei''': And now comes that last part of your training, in which I abandon you so you can become a bitter hateful woman! Just like my master did to me!
--> '''Young Annie''': But sensei! You promised never to leave me!
--> '''Sensei''': YES! SO YOU COULD BECOME MORE HATEFUL THEN I EVER WAS!
--> '''Young Annie''': [[BigNo NO! NOOOOOOOO!!!]]
--> '''Sensei''': Go Go Gadget Daddy Issues!
--> '''Annie''': And then he left...and now I [[GroinAttack kick men in the balls.]]

--> '''Eren''': [[EveryoneHasStandards Ok, that's really fucked up,]] but what I meant to ask was how do you do all that and still look bored?

* As the civilians trying to evacuate get interrupted by a merchant whose cargo is blocking the door, the Socialist girl gets reassured by her mother that "Lenin was still right" and that everything will be alright. To which she asks her mother, "Mommy, what did Lenin say about that?" Cue the arrival of the infamous "floppy-armed"/"Titan-san is late to school" titan. Only this time around the titan's rampage is set to "Chacarron Macarron" making it even more {{Narm}}ier and hilarious than before.

--> '''Kidnapper #1''': Ding Dong!
--> '''Mikasa's Father''': [[KilledMidSentence Hey guys-]]
--> '''Kidnapper #1''': Surprise, knife! Unnecessary murder is fun!

--> '''Kidnapper #1''': Oh hey, pizza's here.

--> '''Kidnapper #2''': Holy shit! Okay that's it, you bastard! No tips for you!

-->'''Ascot Man''': What the FUCK!? Fuck you, Eren! I'm going to eat your soul! I'm gonna annihilate you, kid! You see this fucking ascot I'm wearing!? This is my child-beating ascot! I got it for beating 50 kids in a row. That's right, Eren! You're fucked! I LOVE beating children and looking GOOD in this ascot! WOOOOOO! I'm fucking wild right now! Overpowering kids fills my self-esteem! Eren, you ever ridden a horse? Aren't those things fucking weird? Have you ever seen one of their dicks? I remember the first time I saw one! I've felt like less of a man and for years I've suffered from gender identity issues until I beat the shit out of my first child! Yeah! I love children's tears! "The Sun will come out tomorrow!" Just not for your bitch ass, I'm choking your lights out! Get fucked! Man, Eren you gettin' yo ass WHOOPED! Man I wish I had someone around when I was a kid to beat the shit outta me like man you lucky bitch! Even when I was a kid I knew I need to get my ass beat, but no one would ever hit me! Do you know how traumatic that shit is!?! I had the worst childhood ever! All I wanted for my dad to really just whip my ass! Just one good slap on the butt cheek! But nobody ever did! Now you kids have it so easy nowadays! Now I'm gonna beat the shit outta you HARDER NOW, [[KilledMidSentence you fucking bit-]]

-->'''Eren''': It involves my best friend, and it always ends with us getting our asses beat!

-->'''Connie''': (''High'') Oh look at me! My name's Mikasa! And I can't control my raging ovaries!

-->'''Jean''': Happy Tom's demise gave us the chance to escape. May the Walls bless you, you unnaturally jovial fuck.

-->'''"Bertha"''': Awwe, shit, Cletus! He just dropped the shit outta us like a barnyard bust up, are you gonna take that?!
-->'''"Cletus"''': Hell naw, Bertha, you step back, let a real man han'le this, we'z bout ta rassle!"

-->'''Connie''': Jean! Jean! I got bad news for ya buddy! Mikasa doesn't want to fuck you. She wants to fuck the titan!
-->'''Female Background Character''': Mikasa wants to bang a titan? How is that possible?
-->'''Male Background Character''': Can we fashion an emergency strap-on?

-->'''Armin''': Oh no Mikasa, your boyfriend is getting eaten out...and it looks like he's enjoying it.

-->'''Connie''': So you're the Orgy Master?
-->'''Krista''': I prefer the term, "Professional Orgy Consultant".

-->'''Timmy''': Sir! But what if he's a potato?
-->'''Vermin''': He's not a potato.
-->'''Timmy''': How will we know?
-->'''Vermin''': He's not a potato Timmy, trust me.
-->'''Eren''': What's the verdict? Is he gonna kill us?
-->'''Timmy''': But I'm intolerant to starch, it makes my stomach rumbly, and that puts us at a tactical disadvantage.
-->'''Vermin''': [[CurseCutShort Oh for fucks-]] (''SuddenlyShouting'') Eren Yeager, are you a potato?
-->'''Eren''': [[FlatWhat What]]?
-->'''Vermin''': I will ask you one more time: Are you a potato?
-->'''Eren''': No! I-I'm not a potato!
-->'''Vermin''': Satisfied?
-->'''Timmy''': What about the soy derivatives?
-->'''Vermin''': Oh God damn it!

-->'''Driver''': [[Film/MontyPythonAndTheHolyGrail Bring out ya' dead! Bring out ya' dead!]]

-->'''Sasha''': AAAAAHHHHH!!!!! They invited me for oyster diving, but instead of seafood, everyone just started ''fucking''! Aah! '''Where's the''' '''''FOOD?!'''''
* Upon seeing Eren's malformed titan as the smoke clears, the soldiers under Vermin's command [[InsaneTrollLogic somehow]] come to the conclusion that Cthulhu is watching them, so they must descend into an orgy of sex and violence in order to survive. This apparently involves sacrificing a goat.

-->'''Male Soldier''': Can we stay naked?
-->'''Vermin''': NO, GODDAMMIT! PUT YOUR CLOTHES BACK ON! And everyone, get off of Timmy!
-->'''Timmy''': Who was inside me?
-->'''Vermin''': WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE PROFESSIONALS. HOLY FUCKING CHRIST!
-->'''Rico''': Technically, you gave the order to start fucking.
-->'''Vermin''': SHUT UP, NERD! You should be grateful I gave the order to stop, before someone screwed you even more cross-eyed and crooked than you are now. Now stop talking and help these men fasten their trousers. You know how they fumble with the buttons.

-->'''Mikasa''': OH MY GOD, BUT WHY IS IT SO HOT?!
-->'''Eren''': What the hell is she talking about?
-->'''Armin''': See...I would tell you, but I like having fingers.
-->'''Mikasa''': And toes?

-->'''Clumsyfoot Carl''': Doomed to die alone and miserable.
-->'''Male Soldier #1''': Carl shut the fuck up. They're discussing battle plans.
-->'''Clumsyfoot Carl''': I was so close to sneaking into the girls' orgy and...they had to call us in and cancel it.
-->'''Male Soldier #2''': Hey! Who said orgies?! If you know where the orgies are, you better tell me you maggot!
-->'''Clumsyfoot Carl''': I'm not telling you shit! It's over and done with.
-->'''Male Soldier #2''': That's not true! Look at you, I know you're lying.
-->'''Male Soldier #1''': Oh thank god, somebody put that CowardlyLion out of his misery.
-->'''Female Soldier #1''': Does your stomach hurt after seeing all our friends die?
-->'''Female Soldier #2''': Yeah, it does. That's what I get for eating gluten.
-->'''Male Soldier #3''': Hey! You think you know pain? You should see what it's like for us in the Garrison. I had to sacrifice a goat today, and that was ''after'' the group sodomy. I'm fucking done man, I'm fucking done! I had to suck a man's toes today. Get me out of here.
-->'''Jean''': Group sodomy? Were you part of the crowd that conducted a ritual for Cthulhu?
-->'''Male Soldier #3''': How do you know about that?
-->'''Jean''': We saw the entire thing from the rooftops. You guys are fucking idiots.

-->'''Pixis''': Sorry...drunk.

-->'''Armin''': It's okay. I'm used to devising the plans. I used to practice scenarios like this at night when my homework and rituals were finished.
-->'''Female Soldier''': Such a clever little monster. Was strategy always your passion?
-->'''Armin''': No. I actually used to have quite a future in fashion design.
-->'''Male Soldier''': By the Walls, what changed?
-->'''Armin''': (''{{Beat}}'') They told me you couldn't [[GenuineHumanHide wear people as suits]].

-->'''Clumsyfoot Carl''': WHY AM I A VIRGIN?!? All I want is to live on a tropical island, free of furniture and potted plants and just have beautiful women feed me grapes all day! Why can't I have that? Why must you keep me from my dreams!?
-->'''Male Soldier #3''': [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere Fuck this, I'm out]]! (''Him and the two female soldiers he was talking to earlier leave'')
-->'''Female Soldier #1''': Bye, losers!
-->'''Male Soldier #4''': Screw it, I'm getting high and watching Mari.
-->'''Female Soldier #3''': Have fun dying!
-->'''Male Soldier #3''': I'm joining [[Franchise/MarvelUniverse HYDRA]], at least they have dental.

-->'''Pixis''': [[RunningGag Sorry...drunk]].

-->'''Eren''': Who's Justin Bieber?
-->'''Erwin''': A pop singer.
-->'''Levi''': A [[PrecisionFStrike fucking]] asshole!
-->'''Erwin''': By the Walls, Levi! Compose yourself!
-->'''Levi''': No, Erwin, because unlike [[Franchise/{{Shrek}} Puss 'n Boots]] over here, I actually kick ass just fine on my own.

-->'''Pastor Nick''': Hey, hey, hey, Eren, Eren, Eren! Do your sister need any money?
-->'''Eren''': No!
-->'''Pastor Nick''': I bet she does! MIKASA NEED ''MON-AAAAAAY!!!''

-->'''Pastor Nick''': Yeah! Yeah! Whoop his ass! Whoop his ass! Gotta teach the bitch to teach the bitch!

-->'''Armin''': No! [[MiseryBuildsCharacter The pain will help him grow]]!
-->'''Rico''': Work him out! Work him out!
-->'''Pastor Nick''': Run his wallet!
-->'''Zackley''': Cunt! Piece of shit! Honkey!
-->'''Civilian #1''': Yeah, kick his ass!
-->'''Civilian #2''': Bite his balls!
-->'''Pastor Nick''': Glory, Hallelujah!
-->'''Zackley''': Cracker bitch motherfucker! Frostback! Obama lover!

-->'''Ascot Man''': WOOOOO! Eren you gettin' yo ass WHOOPED! Even from Hell I can see a beating like this! God DAMN!

** Apparently the real reason that Krista's orgy got cancelled was that Connie's performance as the midget stripper was not only so bad that both Ymir and Krista feel the need to give themselves BrainBleach, but apparently caused so much CollateralDamage that they are no longer allowed to hold orgies. It was so bad that they feel watching their dead comrades burn makes them feel better.
-->'''Connie''': My dreams...my dreams.
-->'''Sasha''': Sooo, the stripping was that bad, huh?
-->'''Connie''': Mama, forgive me.
-->'''Ymir''': It wasn't just bad, it was legendary.
-->'''Krista''': I think it may have actually qualified as a war crime.

-->'''Sasha''': What happened?
-->'''Krista''': Well, it started off promising, but after the act with the donkey, the bystander injuries, and the roof collapse we had to shut everything down. That's it, no more orgies. Connie ruined everything.
-->'''Ymir''': I feel like I need to bleach my eyeballs.
-->'''Krista''': I feel like I need to bleach my soul.
-->'''Ymir''': It was like watching a dead pigeon flutter on the ground.

-->'''Krista''': [[ComedicSociopathy I actually feel better watching our friends burn than I did watching him strip]].

--> '''Marco''': Look Jean, I'm an angel! [[CallBack Betcha' believe in me now,]] [[PrecisionFStrike you dumb motherfucker!]] [[LargeHam WEW, PRAISE THE WALLS!]]
--> '''Jean''': I believe Marco, I BELIEVE!!!!!

--> '''Jean''': I THINK MARCO IS INSIDEEEE MEEEE!

-->'''Petra''': His stupid fucking policy.
-->'''Eld''': He's so proud of that.
-->'''Petra''': Nobody enforces it.
-->'''Erwin''': Second, I want to touch on the rumors that the Survey Corps has a problem with drugs. That is absolutely, positively, true.

-->'''Erwin''': Which is why I am instituting a mandatory drug test!

-->'''Eld''': Well, at least we know.
-->'''Petra''': If you stop smoking now, you just might pass.
-->'''Eld''': No. I will literally pay you 20% of my salary if I can use your piss.
-->'''Petra''': 25.
-->'''Eld''': Deal.

-->'''Erwin''': Here's the truth! Most of you are going to die! (''Jean'') You're dead, (''Reiner'') you're dead, (''Connie'') you are definitely dead, (''Mikasa'') you're cute so you might live, (''Sasha'') dead, (''Annie'') dead, (''Krista'') dead, (''Armin'') aaaaaaaand dead! You! In the back, you're probably dead! You, ESPECIALLY you! You, by the Walls, I don't even wanna know what's going to happen to you! One of the most interesting things you'll see in the Survey Corps is the wide variety of ways a human being can die. Who knows how you'll pass! You might be like Meel and get your colon pulled out from your esophagus. You might be like Carol and get ripped apart by three titans at once! Or, you might be like Larry and get trampled by a mule, there are SO many ways to go! What I want you all to take away from this is that you are all titan fodder and you can look forward to pain and suffering upon joining the Survey Corps. (''{{Beat}}'') Literally all we do is die.

-->'''Gunther''': All we gotta do is avoid titans, get to your house, and find whatever FREAKY shit your parents got in their basement.
-->'''Eren''': Okay.
-->'''Gunther''': The commander let the press know about our plans. Everybody knows we headin' to your basement. So don't get all butthurt, there's a lot of bets ridin' on what we gonna find down there.
-->'''Eren''': Bets?
-->'''Eld''': My money's on leather straps.
-->'''Petra''': Sex swings!
-->'''Oluo''': DIILLDOOOOS!
-->'''Gunther''': And my money's on sweet, sweet panties. Ah, alright. That's it for today. Let's roll out!

-->'''Mikasa''': I can't believe what the captain did! If I ever get my hands on him, I'm gonna tie him down, strap him to a chair, and force him to listen to one of Armin's fucked up dismemberment lectures.
-->'''Armin''': I have pictures now!

-->'''Levi''': Horseface, you know you can't do better than me, so—
-->'''Petra''': Okay that is it!
-->'''Levi''': What? It's true.
-->'''Petra''': You dinky little fuck! If we survive this mission, when we get back I'm sleeping with ''Eren''!
-->'''Levi''': Haha! Yeagerbomb? That swagless beast?
-->'''Petra''': Yeah! Him! I'm gonna fuck his brains out!
-->'''Eren''': I, uh—
-->'''Levi''': No! Eren Yeager, I '''order''' you to remain a virgin!

* This exchange after Armin goes over the plan to retake Trost.

** Apparently the real reason that Krista's orgy got cancelled was that Connie's performance as the midget stripper was not only so bad that both Ymir and Krista feel the need to give themselves BrainBleach, but apparently caused so much CollateralDamage that they are no longer allowed to hold orgies.

-->'''Krista''': I actually feel better watching our friends burn than I did watching him strip.

-->'''Erwin''': Here's the truth! Most of you are going to die! (''Jean'') You're dead, (''Reiner'') you're dead, (''Connie'') you are definitely dead, (''Mikasa'') you're cute so you might live, (''Sasha'') dead, (''Annie'') dead, (''Krista'') dead, (''Armin'') aaaaaaaand dead! You! In the back, you're probably dead! You, ESPECIALLY you! You, by the Walls, I don't even wanna know what's going to happen to you! One of the most interesting things you'll see in the Survey Corps is the wide variety of ways a human being can die. Who knows how you'll pass! You might be like Meel and get your colon pulled out from your esophagus. You might be like Carol and get ripped apart by three titans at once! Or, you might be like Larry and get trampled by a mule, there are SO many ways to go! What I want you all to take away from this is that you are all titan fodder and you can look forward to pain and suffering upon joining the Survey Corps. ({{Beat}}) Literally all we do is die.

** After Grisha invites Mikasa to live with the Jaeger family, Eren expresses joy at getting to have a sister, and tells her about his favourite game, "Let's Save Armin!"

* After Pixis explains the plan, he asks the soldiers if they have any questions. To which Clumsyfoot Carl proceeds to let out a rant.

* Just before Pixis finishes off his RousingSpeech, his alcoholism gets the better of him and he proceeds to ProjectileVomit over all of the soldiers. Immediately after that faux pas?

* The constant [[ShoutOut]]s and references that Levi makes while drunk during his first meeting with Eren, as he proclaims himself to be "The King of References", all while Eren and Erwin listen in confusion and exasperation.

** Prior to the trial, Hanji [[MotorMouth]]s off to Eren about how she will be his legal advisor, stating that she knows what to expect despite being a scientist and not a lawyer because she spent all night marathoning ''Series/JudgeJudy'' and ''Series/NightCourt''. She also tells him to confuse the prosecution by throwing around Latin legal terms and to not say something like, "I am a robot; I must kill humans" while the court is trying to prove he's a Titan.

* Eren reuniting with Mikasa and Armin is a HeartwarmingMoment, but then Mikasa tells Eren about what she plans to do to Levi for the NoHoldsBarredBeatdown he gave him earlier.

** With housekeeping out of the way, Erwin starts to tell the cadets about what they can expect to see in the Survey Corps. He says that his subordinates have prepared him an inspiring speech for him to read...which's he's not going to, causing them to go OhCrap in response. Instead, Erwin opts to deliver the BrutalHonesty about life in the Survey Corps: That most of them are going to die. As Erwin points out to various members of the crowd and says that they'll die, the camera cuts to each
-->'''Erwin''': Here's the truth! Most of you are going to die!

** After Erwin's BrutalHonesty, he attempts to lighten the mood by telling some jokes. Unfortunately, Erwin is a BadComedian and so all of jokes are incredibly lame and cringy.
** And with that, Erwin's speech is done. However, considering what he had been saying over the past few minutes, the cadets proceed to leave in droves, either because they were scared away by his BrutalHonesty about the mortality rate or because his jokes were so cringy and out-of-touch that they can't stand him.

-->'''Pastor Nick''': Wait...wait! Wait one motherfucking second, that boy Carla Yeager's baby?

-->'''Ascot Man''': WOOOOO! Eren you gettin' yo ass WHOOPED! Even from hell I can see a beating like this! God DAMN!

** Erwin says that

** And with that, Erwin's speech is done. However, considering what he had been saying over the past few minutes, the cadets proceed to leave in droves, either because they were scared way by Erwin's BrutalHonesty about the mortality rates or because his jokes were so cringy and they can't stand him.
** Despite most of their comrades leaving, Jean and Connie elect to stay for their own reasons. Jean because he can hear the voices of both Suit Vest and Marco telling him to stay so that.