YMMV / The Talmud

• Alternative Character Interpretation: All the commentary and supplementary information given about various figures can make them look quite different than they would from reading The Bible alone. Possibilities include:
  • Was Nimrod simply an arrogant hunter and king or was he the terrible villain he was in Abraham and the Idol Shop.
  • Esau, rather than merely a thoughtless and short-sighted man who eventually forgave Jacob's deception, was a homicidal maniac who skipped his grandfather Abraham's funeral to go raping and murdering. He continued to make trouble right up to arguing over the recently-deceased Jacob's burial plot, whereupon an exasperated great-nephew decapitated him.
  • Reuben didn't really have sex with his father's concubine, he just moved their beds around.
  • The otherwise righteous Job was an Accomplice by Inaction to Pharaoh's mass murder of the Hebrew boys, and that's the real reason he suffered so badly and his own children were killed.
  • Rather than quietly accepting her fate, Jephthah's daughter rightfully argued all the ways that her Human Sacrifice was totally unnecessary. Unfortunately, everyone in authority was holding the Idiot Ball.
  • Ahasuerus didn't just ask Vashti to come show herself to his party, he wanted her to do it naked. And he didn't just divorce/banish her when she refused, he had her executed. But don't worry, Vashti totally had it coming as a sinful, wanton Babylonian who abused her Jewish servants.
  • Shabbat 55b-56b is one long series of "It may look to the untrained eye like the Torah said these prominent figures did something wrong but they actually totally didn't." Subjects range from Eli's sons to Reuben to David and Solomon.
• Applicability: Naturally, the Talmud contains so many discussions about so many topics that it can be applied to nearly anything. For instance, the prohibition on lighting a fire on Shabbat has been extrapolated to forbid the use of electricity on Shabbat as well (unless the electricity was already on beforehand).
  • One of the more humorous interpretations is this discussion of Yevamot 65b: "Don't get into pointless arguments with jerks on the internet."
• Badass Decay: Before becoming a Talmudic sage, Reish Lakish was the leader of a bandit gang who could jump over rivers In a Single Bound. A few years after his Heel–Face Turn, he tried it again and failed. This isn't necessarily seen as a bad thing, though.
• Fridge Logic: In the Oven of Akhnai, someone tells God to butt out and succeeds by quoting Exodus 23:2 in support of conforming to the majority opinion. Exodus 23:2 says, on the face of it, not to judge wrongly even if it's what the majority wants. Surely God didn't fall prey to Manipulative Editing? (There is, indeed, another stack of commentary about how it's Not What It Looks Like)
• Funny Moments: Among others, Shabbat 89a (loosely translated):
  When Moses ascended on high, he found the Holy One, blessed be He, tying crowns on the letters (of the Torah). God said to him, "Moses, they don't say hello where you come from?"^note literally: Is there no "Shalom" (greeting) in your city?
  • There was an incident in which a dead body snorted at two men...
  • And the bit in Megillah when, one Purim, a rabbi got too drunk and accidentally killed his friend. He prayed for the man to be revived, and miraculously he was. Then he invited his friend over next year, at which he was told, "You can't count on a miracle every time!"
  • The first half of the Oven of Akhnai (summarized in the third quote down in Jews Love to Argue) is also pretty hilarious.
    • This can be taken one of two ways: A religious oligarchy can overrule God, or God is willing to accept mortal input.
  • A famous quote involves a student asking a rabbi how to adorn sacred headwear for a man with two heads. The rabbi in response asked him if he preferred excommunication over shunning.
  • Megillah 15a's discussion of the sexiest women in history features this bit of empirical testing.
    R. Yitzhak: Anyone who says Rahab, Rahab, immediately experiences a seminal emission due to the arousal of desire caused by Rahab’s great beauty.
    R. Nahman: I say: Rahab, Rahab, and it does not affect me.
  • Bava Batra 23b, when one too many hypotheticals has a rabbi's colleagues telling him to Get Out!
    Rabbi Yirmeya raises a dilemma: If one leg of the chick was within fifty cubits of the dovecote, and one leg was beyond fifty cubits, what is the halakha? The Gemara comments: And it was for his question about this far-fetched scenario that they removed Rabbi Yirmeya from the study hall.
• Ho Yay: Rabbi Yohanan and Resh Lakish in Bava Metzia 84a. Resh Lakish sees Rabbi Yohanan bathing in the Jordan, thinks he's a woman, and pole vaults the river on his lance. When he discovers his gender mistake, he says to Rabbi Yohanan, "Your beauty for women!". They become at the very least Heterosexual Life-Partners, and brothers-in-law to boot, as Rabbi Yohanan offers Resh Lakish his equally beautiful sister as an incentive to reform.
• Ron the Death Eater: In The Bible, Esau was a rival to his brother Jacob, but nowhere near an outright villain (and remember, Jacob tricked him out of his birthright). He even forgives Jacob when they meet again as adults.^note Jacob did give him a lot of livestock though. However, since he was considered to be the ancestor of the Edomites, enemies of the Israelites,^note The Edomites didn't exist as a nation by the first century, but they were considered by the rabbis to be the ancestors of all the nations and people that have persecuted Jews throughout history, including Haman and Rome he was given a Historical Villain Upgrade. According to the Talmud, he was a rapist, murderer, and he denied God. He also tried to prevent Jacob being buried with Abraham and Isaac in the Cave of the Patriarchs, claiming that as firstborn he had the right to be buried there.
• Squick: The Order of Kodshim, which covers sacrifices, discusses lots of blood and gore. Tractate Chullin in particular is not for the faint of heart; there is an illustrated guide released around 2002 which gives you intimate knowledge of every little tube and organ in a cow's body.
• Values Dissonance: Oh boy. Let’s just say there’s a lot of xenophobia and misogyny going on, to the point that experts think that translating the Talmud to Arabic is antisemitic. Seriously.
  • Modern Jewish Israelis are often shocked by some of the book’s contents as well, or at least they claim it’s grossly misinterpreted or try and focus on the positive parts of it.
  • A lot of the stuff in the Talmud takes on a whole different meaning when taken without the context of pages before and after it. Often the values dissonance is greatly diminished when the reader properly appreciates the context.
• What Do You Mean, It's Not for Kids?: Though most of the Talmud is rated G, some areas are incredibly explicit, such as Kesubos, which has sections dealing with minute details of sex acts.
  • And Niddah has all you ever wanted to know about menstruation.
  • The holy books are where you learn all the cool things your parents would never let you read otherwise. Dina and Tamar and all those concubines, oh my!

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