The main protagonists, but not as you know them.
Don't Name It is a Homestuck Fan Adventure by CalamityCons, aka Calamity Jane. Like Red Dead Virgo, the series is an Alternate Universe where all the trolls have different blood colors.
The story begins focused on Red Vriska, on the morning of her sixth Wriggling Day — and the day where she is supposed to begin playing a game coded by her yellow-blooded friend. While Kanaya wants her to be the first one in, Vriska is wary — she's seen these sort of cliches before. Doesn't help that these annoying humans keep pestering her, insisting she must ensure she enters the game before anyone else...
Meanwhile, Teal Eridan learns he needs to be at his hive (or at least the remains of it) before anyone can enter the game. Maroon Gamzee starts having visions out of nowhere, which appears to be his game-related power — so why did it kick in before he even entered? And Magenta Aradia awakens and learns that the game will give her the chance to have the adventures she always dreamed of...
Can be read at Archive mirror.
Character profiles and doodles can be found on the author's blog here.
Has officially been discontinued by the author.
This fanfic has the following tropes:
- And Your Reward Is Clothes: Kanaya's first completed side-quest results in this.
- Anti-Gravity: Since the human kids hail from The Future, anti-gravity technology is ubiquitous, even in places where it makes no sense and isn't the slightest bit helpful.
- Attention Deficit... Ooh, Shiny!: Indigo Sollux
- Author Appeal: The author admits to shoving in whatever she likes into the story, often to comedic effect. Examples include the inclusion of;
Daddy Droog, Non-Antagonist Doc Scratch, female versions of the Midnight Crew, Gamzee <3 Terezi being a thing, Eridan being a hobo, Jade having an affinity for robots, the list goes on. - Better as Friends: Aradia and Karkat don't quite fit into the normal quadrants, as they aren't flushed for one another and don't have the ability to pacify each other as proper moirails should. The closest description they can come up for their relationship is that they're 'like siblings'.
- Beware the Nice Ones: Blue Tavros may seem easygoing, but provoking his wrath is a very, very bad thing. Feferi found this out the hard way.
- Big Bad: Jade Equius, with Nepeta as his Dragon and Sollux as their pet Subjugglator.
- But Thou Must!: Eridan turns down an offer for a guided tour from a consort, and the consort simply drags him along on the tour anyway.
- Clasp Your Hands If You Deceive: John Lalonde is in this position the first time he's shown, while informing the readers they can't switch to his POV yet.
- Cloud Cuckoolander: Teal Eridan. He forgets his own name on two separate occasions, deems soap the best thing he has ever come in contact with in his life, sleepwalks, and on top of all that his Dreamself occasionally trolls and gets trolled by the other characters, confusing everybody even further.
- The Comically Serious: Azure Nepeta. Much to her displeasure, Sollux is her neighbor, causing her to become his keeper.
- Creepy Child: Indigo Sollux.
- Cute Mute: Sollux.
- Cuteness Overload: Terezi's reaction to Sollux and Nepeta's interactions.Awww! That's so sweet! It's a waste of valuable time, but IT'S SO SWEET!
- Cryptic Conversation: The kids are quite good at this.
- Purple Karkat and Magenta Aradia also manage this regularly, thanks to using the horrorterror lingo frequently. Aradia mentions in the narration that they do this delibarately to keep outsiders from understanding.
- Dark Magical Girl(s): The Midday Crew.
- Determinator: Eridan may not be a jadeblood, but that doesn't mean he's not going to push on through the blinding, burning sunlight to reach his goal.
- Dogged Nice Guy: In a complete flip from Canon, Karkat desperately wants to impress Nepeta, who isn't interested.
- Duct Tape for Everything: Purple Karkat breaks out the duct tape after breaking his game grub.
- Emoticons: Jade Equius prefaces all his messages with various weaponry. A bow and arrow indicate he's casual, a smoking gun indicates he's serious, swords are for threatening tones and pickaxes are for manipulation.
- Figure It Out Yourself: While the kids are trying to ensure everything turns out right in the game by contacting the trolls before anything happens, they don't offer much in the way of explanations. John Lalonde is particularly bad about this.
- The Fourth Wall Will Not Protect You: Equius is not okay with you trying to control his actions, so he grabs you by the neck and tells you to knock it off.
- Gender Flip: The Midnight Crew's genders are flipped in the Kid's Session, with different abilities, mannerisms, and behaviors.
- Gosh Dangit To Heck: Perhaps most evident when one Homestuck catchphrase gets bowdlerized to "Heck flipping yes."
- Gray-and-Grey Morality: The war between Prospit and Derse. Prospit fights for the creation of new universes; Derse fights to prevent Sburb from destroying any more planets.
- Hired Guns: Azure Nepeta works for Jade Equius as a mercenary and his right hand woman.
- Homemade Sweater from Hell: Dr. Scratch gives a truly horrendous one to Dave. Dave loves it.
- Hopeless Suitor: Karkat towards Nepeta. She even calls him 'the Suitor', with the implication that she's not interested.
- How Do I Shot Web?: Despite having the kids around to 'help', most of the trolls enter Sgrub with absolutely no idea what's going on or how to accomplish anything.
- I Just Want to Be Badass: Magenta Aradia, but her duties kept her from going on the adventures she craved.
- Improvised Weapon: Teal Eridan specializes in this thanks to knowing Improvkind. He also knows Panickind.
- In-Series Nickname: When trolling, Nepeta goes by 'Athena', from her trolltag athenasCircumstance.
- Lazy Artist: Averted. Calamity updates an average of ten times a day, all the images are drawn entirely from scratch, sprites are never used, hives are constantly redrawn consistently, backgrounds are used often, and the only time this actually feels like someone's hobby instead of someone's job is the occasions where she forgets someone's fins or makes a coloring error.
- Mundane Luxury: Having lived as a hobo since the destruction of his hive, Eridan regularly marvels at things like a bar of soap or his dreamself having clothes that aren't riddled with holes.
- The Nicknamer: Nepeta. Vriska is 'the Coward', Karkat 'the Suitor', Terezi 'the Soldier' and so on.
- Noodle Incident: The last time someone tried to change Spade Regnant's mind about something ended in tragedy. And Cheetos. So many Cheetos.
- Number Two: Nepeta to Equius.
- Official Couple: Brown Terezi/Maroon Gamzee.
- Passive-Aggressive Kombat: Between Kanaya and Vriska.
- Properly Paranoid: Vriska is very, very paranoid about having any of her secrets discovered, especially her blood color and what lies under her Eyepatch of Power. She's even convinced that there are hidden cameras in her hive, watching her every move.
- Psychic Link: It's mentioned in passing that Karkat and Aradia engage in "chakra semi-makeouts"; Calamity has clarified that this involves touching their foreheads together like so and then merging their souls.
- Real Trolls Carry Pink Parasols
- Revenge by Proxy: After being enraged by some slight, Blue Tavros wrecked the offender's hive and killed their lusus.
- Rhymes on a Dime: Tavros.
- Seers: Not only has Maroon Gamzee always been able to see dead wigglers, his title in the game gives him visions of the future before he even enters it!
- Shout-Out
- "Don't name it", "Once you name it, you get attached to it", "Put that thing back where it came from or so help me!", and "It's a work in progress; it's gonna get better" are all lines from Monsters, Inc.
- Karkat tells Nepeta that everything is proceeding "according to keikaku", then clarifies that "Keikaku means plan" in the Dark Gods' tongue—a reference to a notorious Death Note fansub.
- The establishing shot of the Land of Carve and Rumors features graffiti reading "Red leader, standing by. Red Dead Virgo, standing by," and so on. The entire exchange is a reference to the comments below this piece of Homestuck fanart.
- At least until the website changed its format, erasing all the previous comments. There's new ones though.
- Terezi's lusus is Mu Shoo Fuqeen, a tiny dragon. They also have a very lucky chirpbeast named Ping. And, according to preview art Calamity has posted, Terezi's ancestor was Conscript Huamulan.
- While pestering Dave, Rose is shown playing a tabletop version of Angry Birds. Dave also mentions getting into an old cartoon series about ponies, leading to the exchange:
TG: eeyupTT: I just read that in Big MacIntosh's voiceTG: that was the point >B)- During Belen's introduction, John mentions that she's been teaching Dave airbending.
- When John is playing around in the bathtub, the "monster" is named NOS'YARGCKID.
- Rose and Sis's introduction is a reference to this popular Film Cow video.
- Shrinking Violet: Aradia.
- Soft Glass: Nepeta's a big fan of throwing things through windows. Up to and including the physical manifestation of any potential flushed feelings she might have for Indigo Sollux.
- Theme Naming: The subtitles of both threads are memorable quotes by Mike Wazowski.
- Third-Person Person: Azure Nepeta retains this quirk, but is terse and matter-of-fact.
- Timey-Wimey Ball: All the kids are able to contact the trolls and speak with them before they even enter the game.
- Tsundere: Nepeta has a big flushcrush on Sollux, but is afraid that showing these feelings would be a sign of weakness.
- Wham Line: You once again try to be the Jade Blood. And fail spectacularly.
- Woolseyism: Kanaya wanted to add to Sgrub in this fashion, but her boss vetoed that, insisting she recreate the game exactly as it was.
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Writing by the Seat of Your Pants: What's going to happen next? "I have NO IDEA!"
