We're not here to start no trouble
We're legally required to do the "Sex Offender Shuffle"
We're legally required to do the "Sex Offender Shuffle"
The Sex Offender Shuffle is a comedy sketch based on the Super Bowl Shuffle, created by Moonbeam City creator Scott Gairdner. In the sketch, eight sex offenders are forced by the Miami-Dade Police Department to rap about their names, crimes and interests in a PSA.
It can be found here
.
Contains examples of:
- All Abusers Are Male: Averted with Laura Hughes, who is heavily implied to be a pedophile, "proving girls can do it too".
- All There in the Manual: In this AMA post, Scott Gairdner (in character as Laura's nephew Todd) explains the creation of the video, revealing that Miami's sexual predator unit enacted a policy of sending everyone in the neighborhood videotapes of registered sex offenders and that Officer Raymond H. Karr eventually came up with the idea of making the accused perform degrading hip-hop raps for the videos where they described their sex crimes.
- Ambiguously Evil:
- Arthur Chase's face is blurred out as his guilt was not proven.
- Telly Polk vehemently denies that he is a sex offender before a cop forces him to rap.
- Artistic License – History: A hint that this was not made in the 1980s is that the judicial county is Miami-Dade, which did not exist until 1997.
- Black Comedy: An 80s style rap by sex offenders.
- Cool and Unusual Punishment: Sex offenders being forced to rap about their crimes as part of their release is certainly one way about addressing the problem.
- Creepy Aunt: Implied by the way Todd described Laura as "warm, loving, tender, incredibly affectionate".
- Evil Cripple: Marc Burmholdt has a neck brace and is a sex offender. Also he can’t sing to save his life.
- The Faceless: Arthur Chase, who has his face blurred out due to having his trial end in a hung jury.
- Fat Bastard: Samuel Pound is a rather hefty sex offender, who seems rather eager to describe his crime.
- Faux Affably Evil: In each of their verses, the offenders attempt to paint themselves as kind and friendly.
- Funny Background Event: Partway through Charles Dolling's verse, Sam Pound jumps in early, but then backs away when he realizes Charles isn't done yet.
- Four Eyes, Zero Soul: Larry Arthauer, Sam Pound, Laura Hughes, and Marc Burmholdt are all glasses-wearing sex offenders.
- I Love the Dead: Arthur Chase claims he's "not the necrophiliac Arthur Chase" claiming that is "a different Arthur Chase".
- Lives in a Van: Marc Burmholdt, who is "moving in somewhere on your block. Not in a house, but in a van".
- Meaningful Name: The word Pound can refer to weight or vigorous sexual activity, both of which describe a hefty sex offender.
- No Name Given: There’s a ninth offender in the shuffle who goes unnamed, and the final set of mugshots shows two additional ones.
- Only in Florida: Purportedly a PSA from Miami-Dade county.
- Pædo Hunt: Larry Arthauer, who previously touched his neighbor's kids (with the implication that he wants to do it again), and possibly Laura Hughes, who assaulted her cousin and states that she won't be found in the playset of her neighbor's child.
- Piss-Take Rap: Much of the comedy comes from the fact that none of the singers involved are any good at rapping, and about half of them aren't even trying, with a vibe of reading off cue cards. Even talent aside, the lyrics and beat are something that no rapper could make work, and that's when the subject matter isn't accounted for.
- Police Brutality: Telly Polk tries to go off-script and claim his innocence, only for an officer to threaten him with a shotgun. Later in the video, Polk is still being monitored by the still-armed cop, and we even see the cop is still there in the mugshots.
- Psycho Ex-Girlfriend: Telly Polk claims his ex-wife is this, framing him for crimes so she can take the kids.
- Rape Discretion Shot: Happens non-visually when Sam Pound tries to describe his crime, but the video experiences "technical difficulties". The lyrics reveal what he said.I snuck into a bath room and I fisted my cuz
I held her down and watched her struggle
Then played with her melons because I like to juggle - Rhymes on a Dime: All of the shufflers rhyme when they sing. The only exception is Telly Polk when he goes off-script. Lampshaded by Charles Dolling who introduces himself with the line "I'm Charles Dolling, dropping rhymes"... ironically before pulling a Subverted Rhyme Every Occasion.Charles Dolling: I've been arrested seven times/I know that sounds like a lot/But three of those times were for vandalism.
- Shout-Out: The video was inspired by the 1985 Super Bowl Shuffle by the Chicago Bears.
- Suspiciously Specific Denial: "Arthur Chase" would like you to know that he's "Not the necrophiliac Arthur Chase; that's a different Arthur Chase".
- The Smurfette Principle: Laura Hughes is the only female sex offender in the line up.
- Token Good Teammate: Telly Polk, if he's telling the truth, is the only participant in the dance who isn't actually a sex offender, but instead a victim of slander by his ex-wife in a bid to deny him custody of their kids.
- Understatement: Larry Arthauer claims that touching his neighbor's kid was "not too kind".
- The Unreveal: While everyone in the video can be inferred to have committed some kind of sex crime, the specifics of Charles Dolling, Ronald Mullis, Marc Burmholdt, Arthur Chase and Telly Polk's (unverified in the case of the latter two) offenses aren't given (with Ronald Mullis' case standing out the most since he doesn't participate in the rap aside from playing a saxophone). Samuel Pound is cut off by static in the video, but the official lyrics have him state that he fisted his cousin and fondled her breasts in a bathroom.
- The Unapologetic: None of the sex offenders sound particularly sorry for their crimes but Charles Dolling flat out admits he feels bad because he got caught and might do it again (although he says he probably won't) while Sam Pound literally jumps at the chance to brag about his crimes.
- Villainous Incest: Laura Hughes says that she touched her cousin and Sam Pound, in his censored lyrics, claims to have "fisted my cuz".
- Villains Out Shopping:
- Larry Arthauer asks the viewer to "come over for a BBQ" and "make some cold drinks in my blender".
- Vernon Douglas describes his love for skiing, but laments he can't do it till December.
- The Voiceless: Ronald Mullis is the only registered sex offender to not rap about his crimes, instead providing a saxophone solo. In effect, we don't know what specific sex crime he's in trouble for.
