Warp That Aesop / The Berenstain Bears

• The Berenstain Bears:
  • You should have a clean room — not because it will help to know where things are, or because clutter on the floor is a tripping hazard, but because your parents will throw your toys away otherwise!
    • If your kids won't clean their room to your liking? Don't offer to do anything like help them... throw their stuff away.
  • No need to see a counselor or read up on ways to help deal with nervous habits — bribery works instead.
  • Girl is being bullied at school? Shrug it off and teach her how to box. Don't do anything like tell the school staff.
  • All bullies have bad home lives and decide to pick on other kids because of it.
  • Teasing is alright... so long as it's done from sibling to sibling.
  • Teasing is alright... so long as it happens at school.
  • Teasing is alright... so long as you gang up on a kid who teased his sister.
  • If you teased your little sibling? You deserve to be teased at school.
  • Wrestle with bullies if they tease you.
  • It's okay to lie to teachers and principals if it'll help bullies get wrestled.
  • Women Are Wiser.
  • Kids are apparently able to learn how to divide without a teacher's oversight.
  • If you're sick from school? Don't relax — do homework!
  • You should always trust your kids to not goof off and have fun instead of doing tedious homework.
  • Be nice to your asian neighbours — they might bring some amazing food to the potluck!
  • If you commit a crime or any kind of wrongdoing? Don't apologise until it's convenient — then all will be forgiven.
  • Don't let your kids watch action packed movies or movies about ballerinas. Or let them play with action-y toys and paper dolls. They'll have nightmares.
  • If you act like a bad winner? You'll only be told "It's not okay to be that way" because it's the boys' fault for being bad losers.
  • You should never exclude girls — because the adults will always side with them.
  • Don't get mad — get even!
  • Becoming Christian will make you a worse author.
  • 5-7 year old girls will have wild parties that will get the police called on them!
  • You shouldn't wear earrings because they might get caught in jump ropes.
    • Getting jump ropes caught in your earrings is also a minor irritation at best.
  • If you want to win a contest about growing a big beautiful pumpkin? You'll at best win third places.
  • Nobody ever actually played with Beanie Babies!
  • If you tell your family that you want something, but they tell you that you should be thankful for what you have? Be thankful — because then they might decide to get you the thing you want as a reward!
  • Cranial trauma and other sorts of injuries resulting from not wearing a helmet on a bike is funny! But only when it happens to adults.
  • Flying a kite is like parasailing!
  • Call your stinky neighbour to help you when you're being bullied!