Warp That Aesop / Roald Dahl

• Charlie and the Chocolate Factory:
  • For the dead-poor, the best course of action is to devote all of one's scant money into lottery tickets.
  • Augustus - All fat people are lazy, greedy, Jerkass gluttons who have nobody but themselves (and maybe their parents) to blame for their fatness, and who fully deserve whatever mishaps befall them.
  • Violet - Chewing gum is an offense as severe as being a totally evil Spoiled Brat, and more severe than being ready to call everybody else a loser and beating them up.
  • Veruca - Being a Spoiled Brat means you deserve to be burned to death, even if you're only nine years old and its explicitly your parents' fault for raising you badly; if you escape the flames, it's just dumb luck.
  • Mike - Watching TV is evil.
  • Charlie - Only a bland, passive child who does nothing can be considered good and worthy of good things.
  • It's perfectly rational to increase your revenue selling a product that you personally detest, along with everybody who uses it (chewing gum), and also OK to hate people who most likely got fat eating your main product (chocolate).
  • Chocolate is harmless. Period. Unless it makes you fat.
  • Kids are always Genre Blind, no matter how clever they are.
  • Letting your children go off to visit an insane man who promises to give them chocolate is a great idea!
  • Your parenting is bad and you should feel bad!^note  Credit to Lindsay Ellis
  • If you have the energy to spend the day walking around a chocolate factory, without any signs of fatigue, you should really be bedridden the rest of the time, expecting your extremely poor family to provide for you.
• Danny, the Champion of the World:
  • Stealing is A-OK!
  • What is the worst thing about World War II? If you answered that with "someone got rewarded for military service", then congratulations! You're absolutely right!
• Matilda:
  • You'd totally be able to do magic if you weren't too intellectually occupied learning things at school.
  • If you're being treated like dirt by your family and principal, don't worry, this will only lead to you developing magical powers.
  • Deliberately showing off your intellectual superiority in front of your peers just to prove how much better you are than them isn't egotistical at all. In fact, it will only make everyone like you more!
  • Abusive teachers shouldn't be reported to the authorities, instead you should use magic to trick them into thinking that ghosts are angry with them.
  • Allow the first nice person you see to adopt you. Especially if they are a teacher. What could possibly go wrong?
  • Being given hard schoolwork is far better than having telekinesis.
  • If you're a teacher, and you have a student who is miles ahead of the rest of the class, deliberately single them out for hard questions, and allow them to demonstrate their prowess publicly, rather that quietly giving them extension tasks. This won't upset their peers at all.
• The Twits
  • Evil Makes You Ugly, and all ugly people are evil. Good people may have some 'flaws' but because they're good, they'll be seen as beautiful anyway.
  • People with beards are disgusting. And evil.
  • If you go into your house and find that all your furniture has been glued to the ceiling, a logical response is "gravity must have inexplicably reversed" not "some dick glued all my furniture to my ceiling".
  • Standing on your head for too long will cause you to shrink.