Warp That Aesop / Dr. Seuss

• Green Eggs and Ham:
  • If you want convince someone to try new things, stalk and pester them to do what you want, never giving them a moment's rest until they cave in. Consider sweetening the deal by changing the locale and/or getting cute animals involved.
  • If someone tries to get you to do something, do it, especially if they pester you about it. Try the food, drink that beer, smoke the pot, bury that hooker's body — whatever anyone wants you to do, you should do, because someone else told you to, a lot. Peer pressure is awesome, and must be obeyed.
  • Dodgy-looking meat and animal byproducts are delicious and not at all likely to give you food poisoning.
  • No means yes. Who cares if the other person is uncomfortable? All you have to do is break down their resolve until they cave and they WILL cave.
• Horton Hears a Who!:
  • That guy who insists inanimate objects are talking to him is absolutely right, and trying to cure him of his delusions is tantamount to genocide.
  • Shunning someone and emotionally torturing them for having an imaginary friend is just fine, as long as you have a scapekangaroo in case everything turns!
• How the Grinch Stole Christmas!:
  • Only people who have something fundamentally wrong with them (shoes too tight, head not screwed on right, heart two sizes too small) could possibly have any reason to dislike a holiday they don't celebrate, especially one that generates so much noise it can be heard up a mountain a mile away.
  • Comply, absolutely, with society or go fuck yourself.
  • If you find that someone robbed you on Christmas morning, all you have to do is sing a joyous song about how his actions did not prevent Christmas.
  • Alternatively, if you steal from people, they'll instantly forgive you.
  • Having your heart grow three sizes is a good thing, not a life-threatening condition.
  • If your holiday festivities create so much loud, obnoxious noise that your neighbor attempts to prevent it, then clearly they're the ones in the wrong, and they need to learn a lesson.
• I Had Trouble in Getting to Solla Sollew: Physical violence is the best way to deal with your problems.
• The Sneetches and Other Stories: If everybody got cosmetic surgery, the world would be a better place.
  • Michael Jackson has shown us how to end racism.
  • If you see a bunch of people being horribly racist to each-other, encourage them to be even more racist in a way that involves giving you money. They're clearly foolish enough to fall for it. You'll get rich. You won't get any sort of comeuppance. And if they do learn from the experience, that just means you'll have done a good deed.

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