Warp That Aesop / Back to the Future

• Guys, punching out someone is the best way to get a girl to like you, become popular and be successful in life. Girls, you should determine at the age of seventeen who your future husband will be based on one kiss.
• Changing the past is unthinkable, unless you did it by accident, when it will work out better for you. Changing the future is A-OK, and we need to do it right now, not note it and fix it naturally.
• The first kiss between two people will set their future in stone.
  • Changing the future to become wealthy and famous is bad. Except when you do it.
• Someone who would have died in the past without your time-traveling intervention is a perfect choice for a spouse. You two should stay in the past and just lay low. No no, it's even fine for you two to reproduce. And build a gigantic, impossible to miss time machine.
  • On that same tack, time machines are inherently bad for the universe and should be destroyed. Unless you want to tell your friend in the future that you're doing okay, in which case you build a bigger, louder one.
• Remember the guy who tried to rape your wife in high school? Give him a key to your house. Nothing bad can possibly come from it.
• On that note, the best way to make sure your daddy-o pal hooks up with your future mom is to stage a scenario where you fake Attempted Rape.
• No matter what you do, your uncle will always end up in jail.
• Ladies, if a strange boy gets hit by your father's car, take him into your room and strip him naked! Additionally, the best way to learn his name is to look at his underwear.
• A teenager and a senior citizen hanging around with each other, neither one apparently having friends his own age, isn't weird at all.
• If you find an unconscious woman in an alley, don't take her back to her home. You could be causing a paradox that could destroy all of time and space.
• If a man isn't confidently violent, his family will turn out to be a bunch of losers. After all, only the man is responsible for how his kids turn out.
• If you need to borrow transportation devices from little kids, it's OK to just grab it out of their hands over their protests. As long as you give it back when you're finished, all will be forgiven, and if you need to break parts of it off in the process, the kid won't even care or sees it as an overall improvement. And if the kid manages to steal a better one from someone else in the meantime, you won't even have to give it back.
• Be careful where you leave your boots or bears will eat them.

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