WMG / Harry Potter And The Methods Of Rationality Jossed

These guesses have been Jossed by the end of the fic. Spoilers ahoy!

Dementors End Up Being Analogous To Cryonics

The Dementors were made by some precursor wizards and they have the kiss to preserve people after death, so they could be resurrected in the case of a magical singularity. Since they were so important, they were made very sturdy, almost but not quite impossible to destroy.

• Is that necessary? They have time machines. In fact, that should be a clue to Harry that the afterlife exists, since remote imprints can be made of people's minds.
• There are limits to how long you can preserve a wizard regardless. Remember, they're doing everything they can with magic just like we do what we can with medicine, end even with all that magic, I don't remember anybody over 200, except Flamell. Maybe the dementors, when they suck out the soul (or whatever), actually store it, waiting for some sort of new body.
• Dementors represent Death. Through some law of magic they are a shadow that Death casts into the world. It doesn't take much reading about Eliezer Yudkowsky to come quickly to the conclusion that Death is his least favorite thing, and cryonics is how he fights it. It is rather doubtful that he's going to have the two be the same thing.
• It is more likely that Horcruxes are analogous at least DNA preservation. Patronuses may be something more akin to Cryonics, though even that metaphor doesn't quite cut it, and I take it they are more like a psychological barrier against depression, death-angst and despair, and anything else that would make you give up your will to live. Dementors represent Death, and their Kiss is obliteration of the self, as to anyone with Yudkowsky's views death equals ceasing to exist.
• Jossed. They never were anything but death.

Mr. Hat and Cloak is...

• The Author
• David Xanatos himself. It's been established that there are tales similar to Gargoyles in this reality for wizarding kind so assuming they're true it wouldn't be too outlandish to have Xanatos or one of his descendants really having a hand in Hogwarts.
• Severus Snape. He is the Head of Slytherin House, after all!
  • He's also bad at understanding young girls, capable of casting the memory charm, and one of the few people who might refer to Dumbledore as "Albus". Additionally, he's one of the few people Hermione would panic upon seeing.
  • He would know that he's a former Death Eater.
• Harry Potter himself under the influence of Roger Bacon/Tom Riddle's diary. After eight chapters it has to have taker some effect.
  • Harry hasn't used the journal as of chapter 37: "Harry hadn't even started yet on learning Latin so he could read the experimental diary of Roger Bacon."
• Prof. Quirrell. Note that after Quirrell's conversation with Blaise and then Harry, he heads off in the same direction Blaise went. Prof. Quirrell also has excellent motivation for wanting to make Dumbledore look bad. Mr. Hat and Cloak would also have a very easy time predicting Prof. Quirrell's reactions if he is Prof. Quirrell.
  • Mr. Hat and Cloak: "... entity which Salazar Slytherin keyed into his wards at a higher level than the Headmaster himself." Prof. Quirrell: "... Salazar Slytherin would have keyed his monster into the ancient wards at a higher level than the Headmaster himself."
  • Note also that just before heading off, Quirrell says he needs to do something of some urgency - i.e., he needs to catch Blaise before he reaches Dumbledore.
  • And he has an excellent motive: provide Harry a strong evidence of him not being Voldemort. He offered Harry to defeat fake Voldemort and now he's trying to to convince Harry that he's actually the impostor acting for Harry's sake. And he's very disappointed about Harry's actions to save Hermione because that means Harry would never forgive him for striking her even if trusting that Quirrell isn't actual Voldemort but fake one.
• Lockhart. Blaise Zabini is a quintiple agent, but Mr. Hat and Cloak does something to make him think that he's only a quadruple agent. Sounds to me like a memory charm, and whose specialty is that? Possibly it's a Lockhart influenced or possessed by Voldemort, since he seems to have knowledge of Slytherin's monster.
  • Of course, Hermione recognized him. So . . . perhaps she recognized him from a book cover . . . or not.
• Sybill Trelawney
• Harry, from the future. He's now trying to fix everything in the past.
  • Now with support! Mr. Hat and Cloak's voice catches on the word time when he's asked how he knows all the answers and riddles and questions. HE'S A TIME TRAVELER! Maybe not Harry, but definitely a time traveler.
  • Further supporting this view are the following:
    • His sinister appearence is what Harry would choose given his love of the Obviously Evil trope and Harry says he eventually wants face-obscuring cloaks for the Bayesian Conspiracy.
    • His lack of people skills would also explain why he doesn't consider that Hermione might find something suspicious about his appearence (he's overlooking her simple response) and why it takes so many attempts to get his point across.
    • H&C also pauses when she uses one of Harry's expressions ("what do you think you know and why?").
    • Harry also has the skill to make use of Blaise Zabini's talents (and takes him onto his team) and H&C also makes use of him.
    • Harry has an interest in time travel (which H&C seems to use, see above). Maybe he finally found a way to abuse the Comed Tea?
• Time Travel Draco Malfoy, for many of the same reasons as Time Travel Harry Potter.
• The Gray Lady (aka Helena Ravenclaw). The form that Mr. Hat and Cloak revealed to Hermione at the end of chapter 76 resembles her, and instead of just assuming a form that Hermione would find appealing, she assumed her own, true form. The ghost of the daughter of the founder of Ravenclaw house is the one behind everything.
• McGonagall- everyone else is plotting, so why not?
• Hagrid. He's upset that he doesn't get a big role in the story.
• Canon Harry.
• Sirius Black.
• At least we know it is a teacher, since we learn that no one else could have cast an Obliviate within Hogwarts without setting off the wards.
• He was Quirrel.

The diary Quirrellmort gives Harry isn't really Roger Bacon's.

It's Tom Riddle's. (or both)

• Bacon may never have received a letter from Hogwarts.
• It is either an active horcrux (retaining the soulpiece) or a used one. Let us assume that what the Q said in chapter 102 is accurate. If it is used, it probably imprinted on Quirrell or the person masquerading as Quirrell. If it is active, the reason it didn't imprint itself on Harry when he touched it is that he is already a horcrux.
  • If Harry is a horcrux, and what Q said about horcruxes is accurate, how come Harry is still Harry and doesn't have Voldemort's memories? At the very least up to killing Myrtle.
    • Infantile amnesia - Harry had a baby's brain when Voldemort killed Lily, and now Harry can't consciously access those memories.
• Jossed- "Diary wass exactly what it sseemed, a gift meant to sseduce you to my sside."

How Rita Skeeter was fooled

Fred and George used Polyjuice

Rita Skeeter was never fooled at all. Fred and George pretended to be Rita Skeeter and published the article in her name using poly-juice potion and a few other things, taking advantage of the fact that Rita Skeeter had gone undercover to follow Quirrel after his plot to get her into Mary's room.It's obvious when you look at it. They never 'warmed' the top of the plate. They just flipped the plate over! They never fooled Rita, they fooled the other people in the newspaper company!

Quirrel did it

His confusion was an act, Fred and George's conclusion that they agreed to be Obliviated was incorrect, he had more reason to believe Skeeter was in the room than simply knowing her secret and deducing that was a place she was likely to hang out.

Dumbledore did it

Dumbledore is mentioned in the fic as being extremely skilled at transfiguration. He has legitimate access to the Wizengamot proceedings, and so could have transfigured the relevant transcript to alter its text. It would have reverted on its own some hours or days later. Likewise, the wedding contract could have been transfigured from something tiny, or from thin air, and reverted within the vault after it had served its purpose (just because Harry couldn't transfigure air on his first try doesn't mean it's impossible). Dumbledore has excellent motivation for this; he's presently playing the game against Lucius Malfoy, and Rita Skeeter is Lucius's pawn. This would also explain Dumbledore's later "accidental" gift to the Weasley twins (it's pretty clear from their explorations of the forbidden corridor that he's been grooming them as useful pawns).

• All Jossed - she was False-Memory-Charmed.

This timeline is a result of one or more peggy sue

In chapter 29 Bill is likely to be one, he might be a test subject with this information we can assume that the influence of one or more peggy sue is possible, one that is very likely might be Voldemort himself, much more genre savvy than he former version

• Harry seems like a likely culprit, given the amount of magiscientific knowledge he will probably later gain. He could either create the Canon!Timeline so he can become Book Dumb but happy, but the more likely scenario, given the personalities of Harry and the author, is that, paradoxically, he creates the Logic!Timeline. Quirrel is almost certainly one of the people who remembers everything, as evidenced by his gauging Harry's reaction at mentioning the use of an unknown dark spell by a sixth-year and a few other things that haven't happened but did in the books.
  • Perhaps Canon!Harry created a timeline where he had a better childhood?
• Jossed - the timeline of this fic was caused by Dumbledore viewing the contents of the Hall of Prophecy.

Quirrel isn't Voldemort host

Why he doesn't cause headaches or any pain when near Harry? The answer: someone else is the host. Quirell, however, still has a deep connection with Voldemort.

• Omake File #1 from chapter 12 addresses this. If Harry felt headaches when looking at Quirrell, he'd have figured it out and told Dumbledore within a week, and the fic would be over already.
• The Question becomes then, where the hell is Voldemort, or better yet WHO if Voldemort
• He does, remember? In Chapter 17, he goes to McGonagall about his sudden sense of doom surrounding Quirrell, and McGonagall tell him that if he speaks of it again "any earlier than the Ides of May, I will string you up by the gates of Hogwarts with your own intestines and pour fire beetles into your nose." There's also the part in Chapter 3 when he sees Quirrell in the Leaky Cauldron and has an Ominous Feeling.
  • Or... Quirrel's still not Voldemort, but another human horcrux?
• But Quirrell is taking Polyjuice. He is slightly balding, which has been explicitly mentioned by the author so many times that it is probably relevant. If the real Quirrell is locked up somewhere and fake Quirrell is taking his hair, that would cause a bald spot. The resulting Polyjuice would give the fake Quirrell a bald spot too.
• Jossed-he damn well is.

Someone will turn out to use the Imperius Curse oddly for fun and profit

More specifically, at least one savvy individual will turn out to habitually use the Imperius Curse on themselves and/or consenting others as a substitute for normal willpower (to help overcome/override fears, addictions, apathy etc.). Just because the fact that nobody in the books even considered peaceful and self-directed/consensual uses of mind control always bugged me. Plus it'll cleverly highlight the discrepancy between what intelligent, sane people know to be rational and what they actually do.

• Jossed-nobody thinks of this.
  • The Confundus Charm, on the other hand...

Harry kills Voldemort, but allows him to 'inhabit' his Horcrux.

This has been so heavily foreshadowed, in my opinion, that it may not count as wild. The prophecy in this verse is altered specifically to allow a "remnant" to remain outside of this world...in the absence of an afterlife, what else could that mean? And numerous comments from PresumablyVoldemort!Quirrell suggest that he'd consider this a happy ending—sleeping for millenia surrounded by the beauty of space, away from the world he'd dearly wish to leave.

• Jossed-he wipes his memories.

Voldemort voluntarily retired from Dark Lord status, with Dumbledore's knowing assistance

Per early chapters, Quirrelmort realized early on that he didn't want to be a dark lord (the requirements for being a successful, rational one made it pointless). The description of Voldemort's final attack in "Humanism" very carefully avoids confirming that he tried using the Killing Curse on Harry, and in fact suggests that a different spell was used (the "strange word" unknown to Harry that Harry hears in the memory). Forming a horcrux requires sacrificing a living person. Voldemort's original form was almost completely annihilated during his attack. This could have been due to him using himself as the life-force to create a horcrux in Harry (or possibly elsewhere), and incidentally fulfilling a prophecy at the same time (destroying all but a remnant of himself). More mundane forms of destruction (not forming a horcrux) would also work, given that he had horcruxes already in place to prevent true death.

Per "Humanism" part 4, Harry knows that Dumbledore thought that setting up the attack on Harry's family will immediately end the war. The most direct way for that to be the case would be for Dumbledore to have formed an agreement with Voldemort for exactly that to occur, per Voldemort's desire to retire. Retiring with the knowing assistance of Dumbledore is consistent with Dumbledore offering Quirrelmort sanctuary when threatened by Dementors in "humanism". It is also consistent with Dumbledore carefully not investigating the Aura of Doom around Quirrelmort. It at first appears inconsistent with Dumbledore's strong opposition to Dark Lord Voldemort's dark-lording, but it becomes consistent if providing sanctuary and setting up Voldemort's apparent death is seen as part of the "sacrificing everything" that Dumbledore mentions doing when describing the war to Harry. Dumbledore wanted to stop Voldemort's terror campaign at any cost - even if the cost was helping him retire.

How Quirrel ended up as the host for Voldemort's consciousness is left as an exercise, but as this happened in canon too, it's assumed to be a solvable puzzle. How Voldemort convinced Dumbledore that he'd uphold his end of the deal is also left as an exercise.

• A simple exercise, methinks: Unbreakable Oath?
• "All oaths are unbreakable, when made by the right sort of person." Maybe Voldemort is more trustworthy than in canon?
• Jossed-he blows himself up with the resonance horcruxing Harry.

The story behind Narcissa Malfoy's death is...

• Dumbledore caused it by accident, and then confessed it to Lucius.
• Narcissa became a horcrux for Voldemort, and Dumbledore had to destroy it.
• Voldemort did it, and shifted himself to look like Dumbledore when speaking with Lucius. This would gain Lucius loyalty against Dumbledore.
• She's not dead. Dumbledore helped her fake her death so she could escape once she realized who Lucius really was.
• Since burning Narcissa alive in her own bedroom seems analogous to burning a chicken alive in your own office (for which a possible explanation was offered in Chapter 70 - that the chicken was a transfigured pebble enclosed in a boundary charm), the above 'she's not dead' theory seems convincing from a narrative point of view - it's subtle, but will seem obvious once revealed. Burning the chicken was Dumbledore's attempt to hint at this explanation to Harry. Alternatively, Dumbledore really did burn both the chicken and Narcissa, and wanted Harry to have that alternative explanation in mind, so that Harry wouldn't think him evil.
• Being burned alive sounds like a possible accident while using the Fyendfire spell. IIRC Goyle died this way in canon; it’s possible but not necessary that Narcissa cast the spell. Quirell’s mention that it doesn’t work on Dementors might be a hint at this, too.
• Dumbledore killed her as retaliation for Death Eaters attacking the families of the Order of the Phoenix. In Chapter 62, Dumbledore says "The Death Eaters learned, toward the end of the war, not to attack the Order's families." It's hard to imagine what else he could have done to make them "learn".
• Amelia Bones killed her, as vengeance for the death of her sister, Susan's mother. This is supported by her first reaction to the (presumed) death of Auror Bahry in the Stanford Prison arc, "someone will burn for this."
• Jossed- Dumbledore faked her death and Reversibly-Obliviated her, sending her to live an empty life in another country for the duration of the war. It was not done to escape Lucius.

The prophecy by Prof. Trelawny in chapter 21

"He is coming, the one who will tear apart the very-" is all we get to hear of it. It isn't about Harry or Voldemort, as they've both already arrived at Hogwarts. This leaves:

• Remus Lupin, who arrives to teach the Patronus charm in Chapter 42. However, he hasn't been seen since Chapter 43, presumably left after teaching the Patronus charm, and didn't tear apart anything that we know of while he was there that we know of.
  • Could be a refen
• Sirius Black
• Real Voldemort, with Prof Quirrell not actually being Voldemort or only a fragment thereof.
• It could also be that it is referring to a marked change in Harry. Harry has a mysterious dark side that is NOT always "present". It could be that this mysterious dark Harry is what is coming.
  • This could also apply to Voldemort. If he reveals himself to be Voldemort, this could be construed as "coming" even though he's already there.
• Or it's referring to Mr. Hat and Cloak.
• What about the Doctor from Doctor Who?
• Jossed-It's about Harry, but not necessarily his dark side.

In this universe, the prophecy actually applies to Neville Longbottom

In the chapter where Harry asks Minerva about the prophecy, it is strongly implied that at the very least, the author has heard of this theory.

• Jossed- Harry fulfils it at the end.

Quirrell is a self-aware, defective backup of Voldemort.

A Horcrux is not a soul fragment or a ghost. It is a backup of the brain-state of the caster, stored on some physical medium. (Think Joss's Dollhouse or Charles Stross's Glasshouse here, among other sources.) Restoring from this backup, however, requires a target to restore onto; with current levels of magic technology, that means a living human being's brain, which is overwritten with the restored brain-state.

Thus, it isn't creating a Horcrux that requires committing murder, but rather restoring from it: you have to overwrite some poor schlub's brain with the recorded personality. The reason that creating Horcruxes is still considered Dark is that creating one implies a prior commitment to kill someone (or have your followers kill someone) later on.

MoR!Quirrell is not Voldemort, as such. He's a damaged restore of Tom Riddle's backed-up brain-state, from early enough on that Riddle wasn't yet a Dark Lord; he was a Dark-leaning wizard who wanted to teach at Hogwarts but wasn't allowed to (possibly because Dumbledore's schizophrenia was still being successfully treated back then).

But the restore is defective, in two ways: First, the restore process didn't work right; it left Quirrellmort spending much of his time catatonic, and possibly left some fragments of Quirrell's original personality. And second, Quirrellmort knows he's a backup, specifically of a guy who got himself killed while trying to kill a baby. He's pretty appalled by that, for both the moral failings and the utter lack of style, and he's resolved to do a little better this time.

• Or Tom Riddle was the defective, sociopathic backup of Quirrell, and Tom Riddle's purpose was to provide a common enemy to unite magical Brittan and force reform on the corrupt magical government.
  • This is my personal suspicion that Voldemort is a Starfish Character. The Dark Lord realized his rage was holding him back (as illustrated in his discussion about the martial arts) and cast it off as a different individual - canon!Stupid Evil Voldemort, leaving regular Tom Riddle/Quirrel - who is no less evil, but not impeded by murderous rage all the time.

• This is a interesting theory, but here a two alternatives: following canon, it looks like that the body-less Voldemort could possess anyone or anything, so maybe 1) The death of a person is required to adapt a horcrux in a suitable Data Storage 2) The murder is something to do with Death/Dementors, maybe a way to recognize the "wound in the world" and create a block over it?

• If we go on this, the next step seems obvious—If Quirrel is a defective backup copy of Voldemort, Harry is also a backup copy, possibly one which hasn't been activated yet. The backup-ness is responsible for his weird split-personality thing and a lot of his cunning and occlumency-style talent. The "doom" is caused by them both being backups; Quirrel knew Harry was a backup as soon as he saw Harry or more likely suspected when he heard the story of Voldemort's death and confirmed it when they first met. Quirrel wants Harry to succeed, recognizing Harry as in some way "himself"; whether or not he plans to activate the backup Voldemort at a crucial time could go either way.
  • This theory makes a statement by Harry in chapter 69 quite ironic: "It's not like I'm an imperfect copy of someone else."
• Assuming Quirrel is similar to Canon!Quirrel in that he accepted Voldemort believing that he was stronger and could use his power for good, this Quirrel may have downloaded Voldemort believing that he could use Voldemort's knowledge for good. And realizing he has a limited time, decides to teach Harry what he can before he is 'dead'. Quirrel probably has created a horcrux independent of Voldemorts, maybe just the one, indicating that he is not as badly damaged as the Dark Lord.

• Jossed-he's the real Voldemort, surviving via Horcrux 2.0.

Quirrell is using the Elder Wand.

In the duel in Chapter 54, Quirrell is protected by a nigh-invulnerable shield that intercepts and holds any magic sent towards him. The effect persists when he's incapacitated, and goes away when he discards his wand. In canon, the Elder Wand makes its master nigh-undefeatable in a duel; this is consistent with the effects described in Chapter 54.

• Nigh-Jossed in Chapter 57. Dumbledore almost certainly has it, which is consistent with canon.
• More likely, he has Voldemort's wand. The canon connection between the wands still holds, causing strange effects when their magic comes into contact that can travel from the wands into the wizards themselves. Tossing the wand away weakened the effect the Patronal interception of his killing curse had on him. (Note that it would not have gotten rid of it entirely—there is a permanent bond between wizards and their wands, as we saw when Harry's was left too close to the Dementor.)
  • The Priori Incantatem thing apparently works between the two linked wizards, regardless of what wands they use. So, Quirrellmort could be using Quirrell's original wand. Also, Bellatrix tells them where she buried Voldemort's wand, so unless Quirrellmort guessed where she would bury it, he can't be using Voldemort's original wand (yet).

• Jossed- Dumbledore has it as per canon. Harry gets it at the end and uses it to boost his power.

Bellatrix's dummy's potion is a Harry Polyjuice

Quirrell left a flask with bits of golden fluid in Bellatrix's cell. Polyjuice of Harry is one notable golden fluid in canon, so this might be some sort of clue purposely left to confuse the investigation: Was it Harry or was it Memorex?

• Another canon golden fluid is Felix Felicis.

* Jossed. The potion is an animagus transformation potion. It was a contingency play in case the fake body was discovered: Quirrell intended for the aurors to think that Bella escaped by using the animagus transformation.

Quirrell was not Voldemort; he was the man behind Voldemort

The story he tells of the Martial Artists sounds a lot like a teacher sending an apprentice to learn something from a fellow master... and the student failing utterly.

• This makes Quirrel's motives far more interesting. With this theory, he may be trying to find and destroy Voldemort's horcruxes. His rescue of Bellatrix might actually be a humanitarian mission (and/or a intelligence source to help him undo some of Voldemort's damage).
• The Pioneer Plaque, of course, could still be Quirrell's horcrux.
• He was playing both sides.

When Voldemort "died", what was left of his soul and memories merged with Harry

.Look at the following quotes:

• Upon meeting Quirrell, Harry thinks the following:

I had the strangest feeling that I knew him...Like meeting someone who had been a friend, once, before something went drastically wrong.

• And Here is McGonagall's initial impressionof Harry:

"Harry, I've seen a lot of abused children in my time at Hogwarts, it would break your heart to know how many. And, when you're happy, you don't behave like one of those children, not at all. You smile at strangers, you hug people, I put my hand on your shoulder and you didn't flinch. But sometimes, only sometimes, you say or do something that seems very much like... someone who spent his first eleven years locked in a basement. Not the loving family that I saw."

• Half-Jossed: Harry does have Voldie's memories and thinking habits, but Voldemort deliberately gave them to him before he died and it had nothing to do with Harry's soul.

The author REALLY wants to introduce Luna

• Luna is referenced frequently whenever Harry sees the Quibbler and wonders if she's really crazy or whether she's actually the Only Sane Man in the crazy wizarding world.
• When Harry gets a note from someone asking to meet him, the note is signed LL and he IMMEDIATELY assumes that the note is from Luna, despite the fact that she hasn't even started Hogwarts yet. Disappointingly, It's Lesath Lestrange instead.
• In chapter 7, Harry claims to Draco that he's in love with Luna (and plans to marry her) in order to save her from Draco's revenge. By the time he actually meets her, either Harry or Draco will bring it up. Or maybe Luna if she really is a seer (which seems probable).
  • In Chapter 27, The Daily Prophet prints an article based on false evidence which claims that Harry is engaged to Ginny. The Quibbler responds with the headline "HARRY POTTER SECRETLY BETROTHED TO LUNA LOVEGOOD". Everyone sees this as ridiculous, but depending on how you interpret the scene in chapter 7, this one might actually be true.
• Luna Lovegood never appears onscreen.

Because Quirrelmort is Voldemort, he will be allowed to stay beyond the usual one year as Defense Professor

Bet you Voldemort added a loophole when he cursed the job, just in case he ever did get it; he wouldn't want to be forced out of the Defense job by his own curse.

Also, I just can't imagine this fic without the Magnificent Bastard that is Quirrelmort.

• No character is allowed to carry the idiot ball, and Dumbledore knows that Voldemort put a curse on the position. Dumbledore would have to be carrying the idiot ball to not figure out there was something up with Quirrel beating the curse, and Quirrel would have to be carrying the idiot ball to assume that Dumbledore wouldn't catch on.
• But the teachers have already shown that they're putting up with Quirrel's obvious 'irregularities', because he's such a good Defense teacher. So long as he doesn't do anything too overtly Voldemort-ish or seriously compromise the school's safety, there's a good chance they might just put up with him.
• Quirrel would still be holding the idiot ball to assume they'd give him a free pass just for being a good teacher, and Dumbledore reactivating the Order of the Phoenix just on the suspicion that Voldemort might be active again points to him taking Voldemort rather a lot more seriously than whatever oddities an average Defence teacher has that they feel turning a blind eye is a reasonable price to pay for having someone competent in the position.
• "Quirrell" will return, but not as himself. He will come back as Gilderoy Lockhart, and his acting ability will make it work. Quirrelmort will need a new body anyway, as the Quirrell body is getting sucked of all life energy and aging noticeably.
• Quirrel will be able to stay on past one year by having the class officially renamed Battle Magic... Or so he will tell Dumbledore. In fact, he will simply lift the curse.
• Jossed, Quirrel dies and Voldemort gets his mind wiped. And all the magical creatures Quirrel carried as false teeth died. It's safe to say the curse was in full effect.

The story will end in absolute disaster

The centaurs warned Lily that "the world would end if she were nice to her sister." They tend to be right. Desperate, with enemies on all sides, Harry will miscalculate the yield when conjuring an antimatter bomb or similar weapon.

• All we know is that Petunia said that Lily said both that the world would end if she was nice to her sister and that centaurs told her not to. We don't know that the two claims are connected, and we definitely don't know that Lily wasn't just making them up. In fact, given the circumstances, it would be surprising to learn that her claims were true; I read it as a girl poking fun at her sister as opposed to an attempt at a legitimate excuse.
• Also, given the author's known sympathies for certain specific "singularity"-style beliefs, it is possible that he has in mind something which the prophecy-centaur-Lily-Petunia telephone would consider the end of the world, but which is actually something good (or considered good by the author).
  • Sympathies, yes, but also an interest in working to reduce the risk of a catastrophe, should such an event eventually occur. The singularity is not safe.

• I understood the "like the world would end if she were nice to her sister" in the sense of "as though the world would end if she were nice to her sister." The centaur could have told her not to make her older sister pretty because Petunia had lessons to learn from life experience – such as being treated badly by people, developing empathy, seeing past appearances, judging people for who they are – that would make her a good mother to the future saviour, albeit may not have mentioned the last part out loud.
  • She did say she had just graduated from uni when she drank that potion, so she was at least in her twenties, implying that Lily was at least over eighteen and graduated from Hogwarts, maybe even older. Maybe she had already heard of the prophecy and decided when Petunia threatened to kill herself that she could do one last thing for her sister.
• '''Jossed, the story ends optimistically.

Harry will at some point bite a professor who has bitten him first, probably Quirrel in snake mode.

• Because that line is too good not to be foreshadowing.

This troper believes that it's going to be Lockhart. Harry doesn't seem fond of idiot teachers...

• Jossed, no Professors literally bite or get bitten.

Harry has been plotting to steal the philosopher's stone all year.

It was mentioned to him before he even made it to Hogwarts. In canon, at least, it's public knowledge that Nicholas Flamel created one and that he's friends with Dumbledore. Harry tried to use transfiguration to cure Alzheimer's...would he really not have looked up life-extension wizardry? He knows Dumbledore's not on his side, so he's playing his cards close to his chest. It wouldn't be too surprising if the fic ended like this:

Harry: Well, with my quest out of the way, the next six years at Hogwarts are going to be even more fun!
Minerva: What about your quest to take over the world?
Harry: That got a bit less urgent two weeks ago, when Muggle scientists announced they'd figured out how to synthesize the Elixir of Life.
Minerva stared at him like he'd just turned a cat into her.
Harry: You really should take The Guardian.

• If no one is holding the idiot ball, I doubt Flamel is either, so even if Harry gets the stone, there is probably some drawback from using it, at the very least, the elixer at most extends life, and doesn't protect against violent death.
  • Another drawback is that everything about society assumes that people will die and be replaced by more people being born. And people will still desire sex, resulting in births. Unless we can sterilizes absolutely everyone on earth, there would be rapid growth of population, more than can be fed, so people would be dying but unable to die. In short, until we can generate unlimited food and energy, it would be unwise for more than a few people to be immortal. The only ones who have taken the Elixir is the guy that made it, who needs to live until society is ready for it, and his wife, so that the loneliness doesn't make his so bitter that he feels no one else deserves it.
• Jossed, Harry dismissed it as an obvious myth until the truth is revealed.

...which will result in female!Voldemort(e), after using his mother's bone in the ritual

After all Moody's and Snape's clever fuss about the 'bone of the father', when there's another equally close relative's decayed corpse available. She was Riddle's magical parent, anyway.

• This could happen if he used Bellatrix as the servant, she was his most loyal follower in every continuity
• Jossed, Voldemort's resurrection ritual goes without a hitch and it's unclear whether or not he actually used that ritual.

Roger Bacon's Diary is a Horcrux

And Rita Skeeter was the sacrifice necessary to turn it into the same. Yes, I think Quirrellmort is enough of a Magnificent Bastard to actually surreptitiously make a horcrux onscreen. He's certainly clever enough to make it from an object that has emotional weight to Harry rather than to himself.

• In Canon making a Horcrux doesn't just require a murder but also 'something awful' of an unspecified nature (JKR knows what this is and apparently when she told her editor what is is it made him feel physically sick). It is possible that Quirrelmort did all of the appropriate Dark Rituals and such beforehand so that it only required Rita Skeeter's murder to finalise the Horcrux's creation.
• It wasn't, but is now for Hermione

Snape will switch back over to Voldemort's side.

In canon, Snape is on Harry's side because he's still in love with Lily. After Harry's "advice" conversation with Snape, Snape tells Harry "what your mother saw in him was something I never did understand until this day." If Snape does accept Harry's answer — that Lily was shallow and unworthy of Snape's affection — as the truth, he may get over his love for Lily, and when that happens, he may decide that he was happier being a Death Eater after all.

• It's unclear whether this was rendered more or less likely by chapters 76 and 77. In Chapter 76 we learn that Snape's showing up at the last SPHEW battle was not condoned by Dumbledore, and Snape went to considerable lengths to keep him from finding out about it. Snape seems to be going rogue. On the other hand, in Chapter 77, Snape still believes that his life was ruined when he told Voldemort about the prophecy, indicating that he's not exactly over Lily yet, perhaps. He dwells on the meaning of the prophecy, his motive for which is unclear. But if he's starting to compartmentalize his despair, and if he decides that he doesn't care which "ingredient" vanquishes the other so long as the "cauldron" doesn't burn up, he may indeed have decided to switch allegiances again.
  • Same troper as above here, and after rereading and thinking about chapter 77 some more, the only reasonable conclusion is that Snape will go back to the dark side (or at least that he's strongly considering it). Chapter 77's name is "Sunk Costs", which can refer to the phenomenon in business of throwing good money after bad. In this case it seems to refer to Snape's feelings for Lily, and only makes sense as the title if the chapter represents Snape deciding to stop throwing good feelings after bad and to finally get over Lily. The clincher is the fact that he says "Why not?" and kisses Rianne. He would not have done that if he were still saving himself for Lily's memory, and it represents the moment where he starts his post-Lily life.
    • Sunk costs don't necessarily mean you have to stop doing what you're doing though. Just that you must sit down and reevaluate your actions. It just means if Snape does choose to keep working against Voldemort, it will be because he's judged that the good thing to do, rather than out of a Freudian Excuse.
  • Sunk costs probably means that Snape has already expended a considerable amount of time and energy on Lily and her memory, and since there is no way to get that back, he realises that he might as well do what he wants now. Alternatively, it means that for all the commitment he has shown to the Order in the past twelve years, he can't get that back, and could go back to Voldemort without losing anything (but the balls he has grown).
• '''Jossed, Voldemort gets mind-wiped and Snape decides to start a new life.

Voldemort's bones will be impregnated with potions

Snape remarks to Moody that he thinks bones impregnated with a certain muggle substance, LSD, will have permanent effects. Voldemort will find a way to get a bottle of Felix felicitus to do the same thing to satisfy the first law of fanfiction. If the protagonist is a Jedi, then the villan gets a deathstar.

• 'Jossed, Voldemort's resurrection ritual isn't tampered with. His bones are'', however, imbued with broomstick enchantments.

Quirrel's "Plot" to grant all three wishes... another view.

We don't know exactly what Draco's and Hermione's wish really were. " 'Mr. Malfoy,' said Professor Quirrell, 'your wish is for... Slytherin to win the House Cup.' " and " 'And for Miss Granger...' said Professor Quirrell. There was the sound of a tearing envelope. 'Your wish is for... Ravenclaw to win the House Cup?' " if instead of those exactly words Quirrell is tell the audience their simple joint wish of " I wish my house would win the house cup." So to solve the three wishes he somehow forces the creation of a new house and both Draco and Hermione get sent there along with Harry of course. This forces the current Quidditch Cup holder to play against the new house to maintain the title during which the new house plays keep the snitch away from all the other teams players. Making the match go for days forcing the rule change at Hogworts. Together Harry, Hermione, and Draco plus the points from winning the Quidditch Cup and of course whatever point Dumbledore awards them at end of are enough to take the house cup. This is will hurt Harry's plans to redeem house Slytherin but he can figure out a different way.

• Alternately, Slytherin and Ravenclaw houses must merge.

• Alternately, Draco and Hermione are assigned to the same existing House. Either Draco no longer fits in with the Slytherins, or important people get convinced that Hermione's really been chatting up Slytherin's ghost. Quirrell could work it either way. It's remotely possible they both could get moved to Hufflepuff or Gryffindor (very unlikely for Draco). Flitwick has used House reassignment as a threat, so a Head of House has that power—I feel he'd have to coordinate with another Head to move a student, however. Or Quirrell gets Dumbledore to do it since the Headmaster does whatever he wants. I see Draco being the easiest to move AND the trio ends up together, which would be an interesting storyline twist as the original troper suggests. Well spotted by the way, their wishes definitely could both read "my House"... of course they never specified what YEAR their House would win the cup. Quirrell takes pride in his plots, though, I don't expect that he would use a copout like that.

• Alternatively, Slytherin and Ravenclaw could just tie for first place.
  • The major difficulty for Quirrell will be convincing Dumbledore not to upset the tie before announcing the winner (like in canon). Also, is a tie a win? Would Quirrell choose such a complex plot? Would Elizier use the same plot-twist twice?

• Jossed- Nobody's house changes and the last Quidditch Game nearly goes on forever, which would have resulted in either of them winning or no winner but then Slytherin wins in Quirrel's honour.

Harry will become god by using the Comed-Tea and his evil side..

He states in chapter 12 that the Comed-Tea makes you do a spit-take. He thinks that if he could use a spell to change his sense of humor so that only becoming omnipotent would be worthy of a spit-take. Note that such a spell (probably) does not exist. We later learn that Comed-Tea works slightly differently, but the premise is the same (drink tea -> spit take).

We also saw his evil side in Chapter 44. It appears utterly emotionless, with no sense of humor, and responds in no way other than "you should die". There are a few things he could respond emotionally to, but there are few of them. Assuming he drinks the tea in this state, he will be forced to do a spit-take, which will lead to something insane happening, possibly propelling him to godhood.

Alternatively, it will cause a paradox and destroy the universe.

• Jossed. Comed-tea uses non-linear causality: it triggers a desire to take a sip a second or so before a comedic occurance. Harry figures it out somewhere around chapter 13 (I don't remember exactly).
  • Wasn't that theory also jossed by Professor McGonagall. And even with non-linear casualty, he would feel the need to drink shortly before the time when he (theoretically) becomes god.
    • It was not. McGonagall just said she'd be interested in hearing some of Harry's physical accounts of time, even if they happen to be wrong. In the hypothetical case that Harry reprograms himself to only find 'himself becoming God' funny, he would never feel the urge to drink, since that event would (probably) never happen. If he forced himself to drink a can regardless, nothing would happen. The guarantee is because usually there's no reason other than random whim to drink a luxury soft drink, so you simply get those random whims only when something funny is about to happen. I imagine taste-testers for Comed-Tea also drink without getting spit takes, because it isn't random whim that determines when they drink but whenever they're told to. (Though depending on how it's done there could be leeway.) Perhaps they're told the enchantment's been deactivated briefly if Comed-Tea Ltd. cares about keeping the secret.
• "The empty thing laughed at that, for it had retained the capacity to be amused." Harry's dark side still has a twisted sense of humor.

Aberforth has married a satyr.

Jossed. Aberforth was kidnapped by death eaters and tortured to death.

Harry will find out about the Philosopher's Stone and then flip the *** out.

If Harry really hates death with a tenth of the fervor Eliezer does, he will lose all composure when he finds out that the cure for death exists and is in use by just two people in the whole world. He will first flip out on Dumbledore for conspiring to keep it hidden. In a rage he'll ask Dumbledore how many doses of the Elixir of Life he's had, and will maybe cool off a little when Dumbledore assures Harry that the answer is zero. Harry will be calmer, but colder, as he demands an audience with Nicolas Flamel. Then, either Dumbledore will talk to Harry about how no one should have the power to decide who lives and who dies, and how it's better for no one to have the elixir than for Voldemort to have it, or he will take Harry to see Flamel and the same sort of conversation will happen.

• Jossed. Harry assumes the Stone is a myth until the truth comes out, by which point he has more important things to worry about than raging about its waste. Also Voldemort assassinates "Flamel" by proxy.