Take That / The Golden Girls

• Several:
  "If I wanted to take abuse like that, I would've worked on The Roseanne Barr Show!"
• And:
  Dorothy: Now look, Rose, this nonsense has to stop. What we saw was not a UFO.
  Rose: Well, it wasn't an airplane! Airplanes aren't that thin, or that bright.
  Dorothy: Neither is Oprah Winfrey, but that doesn't make her a flying saucer.
• Also:
  Dorothy: I'm really sorry. I promise I will say "Hail Marys" until Madonna has a hit movie.
• Don't forget:
  Rose: Now remember, this would be better with a bigger TV.
  Dorothy: Yeah we know.
  Rose: And it'd be better with music.
  Dorothy: We understand you.
  Rose: And of course it would be better-
  Dorothy: It would be better with Shelley Hack, Rose, just turn it on!
• Plus:
  Rose (praying to God before bed): I just wanted to say I think You're doing a great job. Of course, there are some things I don't understand. Like poverty... and the spokesmodel category on Star Search.
• Another one:
  Rose: I just realized I'm the most boring person in the world.
  Sophia: Did something happen to Regis Philbin?
• And then there's:
  Blanche: Well, this is great. We've been writing stories that have already been written.
  Rose: Well, if it's any consolation, they do it all the time on Mr. Belvedere.
• This memorable moment from "Three on a Couch":
  Blanche: (to a sick and couch-ridden Dorothy): It's just all in your head! In fact, you feel better already! You can heal yourself! Walk, Dorothy, walk!
  Sophia: Hey, just because you put your makeup on with a butter knife doesn't make you Tammy Bakker!
• Two from "High Anxiety" in concern to Rose's prescription drug dependency, via Sophia:
  Dorothy: That's because you're hooked on these, Rose. But honey, there's a place for people with your kind of problem.
  Sophia: Just what the hell is Rose gonna do in the NBA?
• And later, when Rose admits embarrassment over seeking help:
  Dorothy: Hey, was Elizabeth Taylor embarrassed? Was Liza Minnelli embarrassed?
  Sophia: She should have been: have you ever seen Arthur 2? (makes a look of disgust)
• Similarly to the above:
  Sophia: There are three things you should always remember in life: one, hold on to your friends. Two, there's no such thing as security. Three, don't go see Ishtar. Woof.
• Gary Hart, a Colorado Senator and Democratic Presidential front-runner whose campaign was torpedoed in 1987 amidst allegations that he'd had an extramarital affair, was the butt of several jokes in Season 3.
  Ted: [to Rose, who is still clad in her pajamas after a poor night of sleep] What do you do?
  Dorothy: She's Gary Hart's campaign manager. It doesn't pay much, but you don't have to get out of bed to do it.
  • The woman Hart allegedly slept with wasn't exempt either.
  Sophia: How gullible do you think I am? Do I look like Donna Rice?
• In later seasons, the series regularly took shots at Vice-President Dan Quayle, to the point that when Secret Service was interviewing them and wanted to talk to each of them one-on-one, Rose felt the need to say that the others wouldn't be making fun of the vice-president.
  Dorothy: Ma, how did you know [that a teenage neighbor was pregnant]?
  Sophia: Because you had the same look of panic on your face when you got pregnant. Sort of like a deer caught in the headlights. I thought only pregnant teenagers had that expression until I saw Dan Quayle on TV.
• Another shot at Dan Quayle, while Rose tells the fable of Toonder the Tiger:
  Rose: Anyway, it made Toonder's wife miserable that her husband was best known for being mediocre.
  Blanche: I understand Marilyn Quayle feels the same way!
• And yet another, from "Yokel Hero", after Rose learns she has been nominated for St. Olaf's Woman of the Year.
  Rose: I never dreamed that someone as unqualified as I am would be nominated for something so important!
  Dorothy: I guess Dan Quayle really opened the floodgates.
• Speaking of that presidency:
  Blanche: Whatever you're thinking, Rose, it isn't true.
  Rose: Oh, good. So George Bush isn't married to his mother.
• Another gem by Sophia from "Three on a Couch":
  Sophia: (to Blanche) What I can't stand is that phony Southern accent of yours! What is this, Designing Women?
• Another one from the episode:
  Blanche: And my hair is its natural hue.
  Dorothy: Sure, Blanche; yours and Lucy's!
• The network that aired Designing Women wasn't exempt either. From "Charlie's Buddy", after Rose announces she wants to move in with Buddy without marrying him:
  Sophia: Two World Wars, a Polish pope, and now this. I may live to see CBS come up with a morning show yet.
• From "Nothing to Fear But Fear Itself":
  Sophia: [on her way to a cooking contest] I forgot the wine.
  Rose: For your mussels marinara?
  Sophia: No, for me. I always drink wine during cooking contests and My Sister Sam.
  • This joke (and the entire scene containing it) was cut from the syndicated reruns, possibly out of respect for Rebecca Schaeffer, the star of My Sister Sam who was murdered by a stalker in 1989.
• From the opening of one episode:
  Dorothy: Do you know what would happen if there were no swamps?
  Sophia: New Jersey wouldn't have a state smell!
• Sophia didn't just insult people or places. She also went after occupations:
  Sophia: (To Dorothy about some medication prescribed to her by a pharmacist. She insists that the dosage is wrong) So? The man's not perfect. If he really knew what he was doing, he'd actually be a doctor instead of just dressing like one.
• Not to say doctors themselves get off easy with her:
  Sophia: Doctors. They go to medical school for 20 years and yet still don't know enough to warm their hands before doing a breast exam!
• That time Blanche decided to become a romance novelist and came close to having a mental breakdown due to lack of sleep.
  Blanche: This is why Hollywood won't get my novel either. I will not have my words coming out of Glenn Close's mouth; I'd rather die!
• The first Christmas Episode has this gem when Dorothy is trying to hurry Rose up from her shift at the Grief Center so they won't miss their flights:
  Rose: Just a minute, Dorothy. This man has some real problems. (whispering) He was one of the principal financial backers for Howard the Duck.
• When Rose claims Jake the rescue dog can find anything:
  Sophia: Anything? (points away) A viable Democrat for president. Go!
  *Jake runs to the lanai, with Rose running after him*
• An episode where Stan is trying to woo Dorothy has this rant by Sophia:
  Sophia: He's coming onto her like gangbusters, and I don't like it! Not that I've actually seen Gangbusters. But I have seen ''Ghostbusters'' and I didn't like that, either; they couldn't give the Black guy one funny line?
• Another episode was a Clip Show where Sophia said this about the girls:
  Sophia: This house has seen more bad singing, bad dancing and bad acting than a Suzanne Somers special!
• When Blanche was defending herself to a reporter that she didn't sleep with a local candidate in "Strange Bedfellows":
  Blanche: And I will take every lie detector test known to man, say it in front of 10 judges and swear on a stack of bibles that it is not true! (hangs up phone) There. Now does that sound like a person who would be lying to you?
  Dorothy: (angrily) No, that sounded like Jim and Tammy Faye [Bakker] on Nightline!

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