(For best effect, read this in the voices of Boris Karloff, Hans Conried, Jim Carrey, or Benedict Cumberbatch)
My quite handsome mug when I'm well-satisfied. Just be careful not to get on my bad side.
Every Who down in WhoVille liked Christmas a lot. But the Grinch, who lived just North of WhoVille, did not.
The Grinch hated Christmas, the whole Christmas season. Now, please don't ask why; no one quite knows the reason.
It could be perhaps that his shoes were too tight. It could be that his head wasn't screwed on just right.
But I think the most likely reason of all—
People these days, Amiright? Seriously, we don't need to go over that whole song and dance routine! EVERYONE KNOWS IT!!!
Wait...
WHO DARES DISTURB THE GRINCH! THE AUDACITY! THE NERVE! THE...
You should be terrified out of your skull. Kids these days. So desensitized by movies and television.
BOO!
Nothing? Seriously? Come on Grinch, you must be losing your nerve or something! Uhhh. FINE! Since you've bothered to come all this way, allow me to introduce myself. I am...THE GRINCH! Big, mean, ugly, and hates everything to do with Christmas! A lonely hermit, living in isolation, who cannot STAND the Who's! Naturally, me being me, I decide to steal Christmas right from under their noses! But, after several hours of careful planning, lots of sneaking around, and loads of aches and pains, I would have ruined their holiday if they hadn't. Started. SINGING! All the noise, all the noise, all the NOISE, NOISE, NOISE! But, something inside me changed that day. I realized that Christmas wasn't so bad after all, and, with my newfound heart and strength, saved the very holiday that I myself stole! And that, my friends, is how I stole and saved Christmas! Now get out.
You're still here? Really? Wow, you must be off your rocker! Either that or you want me to brag more about myself. Very well!
Oh, before I get started, I'm just gonna make this easy for ya. There's a lot of me to go around, so, when I'm talking about book Grinch, that's print me. If it's cartoon special Grinch, that's 2-D me. If it's movie Grinch, that's live action me. If it's animated movie Grinch, that's 3-D me. Now, ACTION!
To demonstrate my witty repertoire:
- Adaptational Attractiveness: ADAPTATIONAL! I've always been a...rather handsome kinda fella. But, I will admit, the fella in all that makeup and the other cartoon guy were a little bit more on the appealing side. Especially baby me! Eat your heart out Baby Yoda!
- Adaptational Heroism: Yeah, it turns out that the first two stories didn't exactly delve into the whole "Why I Hate Christmas" spiel all that much. The first movie of yours truly showed that the rest of the town hated my guts from the moment I walked out in public, and they practically became a bunch of miserable little misers, so I had a good reason to steal from them. The second one, it turns out, was a pretty traumatized guy, left all alone with no one but himself. I'd give him a hug, but that would be giving myself a hug.
- Adaptational Ugliness: The Grinch you all known and love wasn't the prettiest guy around compared to how he looked back in the '50s (but seriously, NOT GREEN?! HOW DARE THEY?!).
- Asshole Victim: Oh, hard-de-har, har, har, har, HAR! Sure I'm not a pleasant guy, but at least I'm not ashamed to admit it. So...yeah. Guess getting what's coming to me is a natural occurrence.
- Badass Bookworm: Yes, I READ!!! Seriously, no one can steal Christmas in one night and not expect to have some book smarts!
- Bad People Abuse Animals: WHAT? I DO NOT! MAX! DID YOU POST THOSE BLATANT LIES ON THIS PAGE?! I'LL...uh...heh, heh. Pretend you didn't hear that. Well, 3-D me didn't do this! That's all I'm saying!
- Bad Santa: Oh, you thought I actually was dressing up to be a goody too-shoes Santa, did you? Wrong-o! For with this hat and this coat, I would look just like Saint Nick, sneak down the chimneys in Whoville and steal all their presents!
- Berserk Button: I. HATE. CHRISTMAS! But, I hate being called "Mr. Greenface" EVEN MORE!
- Beware the Silly Ones: You may think of me as a nuisance, but let's not forget that I almost did ruin Christmas!
- Butt-Monkey: Oh, boy do they put me through the wringer. It's a miracle I've lived this long!
- The Chew Toy: OUCH! MAX!!!! You let go of daddy THIS! INSTANT! OUCH!
- Cold Ham: First, I know what you're thinking. No, I am not a pig. I may live off garbage, but I am not a pig. Secondly, what else is this delectably delightful green coat for? But, 2-D me and 3-D me may not be the cheeriest fellas around. Except when they aren't. Live action me? Not so much. Guy's like a walking pork factory!
- The Cynic: You all know how this goes: I hate Christmas, I think every Who is being selfish, I steal Christmas, and learn otherwise. Though live action me did have a bit more justified reason to hate Christmas.
- Does Not Like Spam: Roast beast is a feast I cannot stand in the least. And you! Narrator guy! Don't you go all Green Eggs and Ham on me now! I know where you live.
- Even Bad Men Love Their Mamas: Yeah...so this one story saw me decide to go after this weird talking cat. And how did he stop me? My mother! He sang a sad song to me about how much I loved my mother! And two out of three versions of me didn't even know my parents! But seriously, that guy has some serious problems!
- Even Evil Has Standards: Ahem.
Me: Of course they are. That's what it's all about, isn't it? That's what it's always been about! Gifts. Gifts. Gifts-gifts-gifts-gifts-gifts-gifts! Do you know what happens to your gifts? They all come to me. In your garbage. You see what I'm saying? In. Your. GARBAGE! I could hang myself with all the bad Christmas neckties I found at the dump! And the avarice... the avarice never ends! "I want golf clubs!" "I want diamonds!" "I want a pony so I can ride it twice, get bored, and sell it to make GLUE!" Look, I don't wanna make waves, but this whole Christmas season is... stupid! Stupid! Stupid! (looks up to and advances towards Martha May Whovier) There is, however, one teeny-tiny Christmas tradition I find... quite... meaningful. (snatches the mistletoe off the ring box and holds it over my head) Mistletoe. (Holds the Mistletoe over my behind) Now pucker up and kiss it, Whoville! Boiiiiiiiiinggggg!
- Evil Is Hammy: Jim Carrey you big ham! LOVE YA! SMOOCH!
- Evil Sounds Deep: 2-D me had this, and 3-D me might have if old Benny decided to stick with that natural accent of his.
- Freudian Excuse: 2-D me never had one of these, other than the whole "small heart" business and what not. Live action me was bullied by everyone, while 3-D me was left alone on Christmas. So it just depends on what ya hear.
- Gadgeteer Genius: Hey, I gotta keep some sort of hobby. Clearly one cannot steal Christmas without some sort of gizmos. Can't talk to myself in the cave all day, now can I?
- Go Mad from the Isolation: Let's see. According to my schedule, that's on for 10:00 tonight. Stare at the ceiling and slip slowly into madness. It's a hobby.
- Gonk: Considering my demeanor and more, shall we say, unconventional appearance, I most definitely am not easy on the eyes to the feint of heart. But, 3-D me is a little better in the looks department.
- Good Eyes, Evil Eyes: 2-D me had eyes as yellow as bad teeth, but when the true meaning of Christmas came through, they suddenly turned a bright blue. Ohhhhh! I HATE TALKING IN RHYME! But, yeah. It happened.
- Green and Mean: Green? Check. Mean? Double check! Handsome? Oh yes.
- Green-Eyed Monster: Less green in the eyes, but yeah, definitely monstrous. Well, 3-D me had green eyes, and he wanted to get rid of Christmas for all the trauma it caused him! Geesh, wish I thought of that!
- The Grinch: Beg your pardon? You don't know that this is me? Hmmm? Well, now ya do. So DON'T FORGET!
- Grumpy Old Man: Hmmmmm. A little ambiguous on the age there, but I clearly am not a spring chicken, and I clearly do not enjoy much things. Speaking of, MAX! Get the bag! We've got a farm to clean out!
- Heel–Face Turn: And what happened then? Well in WhoVille they say, that the Grinch's small heart grew three sizes that day. And blah, blah, blah, you know the rest.
- The Hermit: Okay, so you people reading this site are obviously getting on my nerves, so the fact I haven't done anything monstrous means you've clearly got some sense of bravery. But I hate company. I loathe it. So I live alone with just me and Max. No one else. Not a one!
- Iron Butt Monkey: I just amaze myself at how much I've been smacked, bitten, hurt, harmed, or humiliated, and yet just keep on walking like nobody's business. But seriously; don't try anything to annoy me. Just. Don't.
- Jerkass: And do I revel in this. I'll steal Christmas, angrily express my hatred of any Who from atop Mt. Crumpit, mess with the Who's mail, and solve world hunger, but not tell anyone!
- Jerk with a Heart of Gold: Well I...I guess I...kinda care. A little. Ooh! HELP ME! I'M FEELING! Oh, who am I kidding! I DO CARE! I LOVE CHRISTMAS!
- No Social Skills: Oh boy, did 3-D me really make it awkward at the Christmas party. Poor guy could barely function. But hey, baby steps.
- Papa Wolf: Moi? You better believe it, buster! Sweet, little Cindy Lou Who, the only one who actually wanted me to be happy, almost lost her life! So I, being the guy that I am, rescued her!
- Paper-Thin Disguise: Ehh. That kinda depends on what ya hear. 2-D me stuck out like a sore thumb. Live action me recognized that, so I just hid behind anything that wouldn't give it away. 3-D me at least bothered to put on a beard. Though you'd think we would have heard of hair dye. (Well, 3-D me does buy green hair dye, but even if I could afford hair dye that wasn't my natural green, it's all the rage in Whoville and I'd have to go down there!)
- Redemption Promotion: I was never a weak guy, but having a bigger heart gave me the strength of twelve Grinches. TAKE THAT SUPERMAN! HOW DO YA LIKE ME NOW?!
- Red Eyes, Take Warning: When I get nasty, 2-D me LETS HER RIP!
- Rhymes on a Dime: Way back in the book and the first cartoon show, my speech fits the Seussical rhyme, don't you know. In more recent years, that tendency tends to sag, except in the case of Mythology Gag.
- Slasher Smile: Well, when I get, let's say, a wonderful idea. An awful idea. When I get a wonderful, awful idea, boy do I give out such a grin! Not for the faint of heart. Especially since I've got termites in my smile! Or creepy crawlies.....
- Super-Strength: I don't look like it, but I definitely got some serious ammo in these guns. Especially after I finally understood Christmas.
- Villain Protagonist: Mean, sneaky, nasty, and the guy you watch to steal Christmas. Well, until I learned otherwise.
- Yellow Eyes of Sneakiness: Seriously? You...you didn't notice?
- Me: Okay... that's all ya need ta know... now... MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! Or if it's not that, SCRA—I mean, move along! I have Roast Beast to search around here!
