Self Demonstrating / Johnny Cage

(To better sound like a Cage, this is best read with the voice of Linden Ashby, Matt Mullins, Casper Van Dien, Andrew Bowen, Joel McHale, Karl Urban; or either Mario Castañeda or Sergio Bonilla if you speak Spanish. Maybe even Jean-Claude Van Damme if you're really feeling zesty.)

Didn't know you were such a fan. It's the reason why you're here, right?

You don't look like the average reporter or paparazzi hounding me. Don't feel too bad though. I've seen worse, too.

I'm surprised that you decided to stop by my humble little page.

Johnny Cage is my screen name. My real name is Jonathan Carlton. What, you didn't know? Oh, well. First time for everything, I suppose.

I made my debut in 1992, along with six other kombatants. And since then, none of us haven't looked back, none more so than me.

When you think of Johnny Cage, what comes to mind? Hollywood A-lister with such films as the Dragon Fist series, Ninja Mime and numerous sequels (even though I hate it, but it's a box office hit overseas), Time Smashers, Who's That?, The Gist Of My Fist, and Every Dog Has It's Day comes to mind.

Or the fact that depending on which timeline you're referring, I'm either one of Raiden's chosen warriors or Raiden's champion. Yeah, it's weird as hell, but I managed to put the pieces together, with the first timeline being the First Run and the second timeline being the Second Run. Less confusing that way.

So my main reasoning as to why I decided to sign on to Mortal Kombat was mainly in part due to my ego. I got tired of the critics and reporters claiming that my skills were nothing but wires and special effects. So I joined up...and the rest is history. No, really. If you wanna know what happened in the games, both the First and Second Run, in the words of Oddworld: Abe's Exoddus, "dish out some cash, and go buy the stinkin' game!"...or read a wiki page.

Being an actor, it was no surprise that my exploits made it to the big screen. Hanzo's still kinda annoyed that I kicked his ass in that matchup. But punching Goro in the nuts was satisfying... even if it did hurt my hand. As for the sequel...let's not speak of that blasphemy. When what happens to me there is literally one of first things wrong about it, you know that says something. I got a better deal in some of the web- based series though so it all works out. I mean even if not-Baraka sliced my head off in the former. I also signed on for one of the cartoons. Not that it was one of my best though - that would be those adaptations of the games, one of which is all Cage ALL the time. Still wonder they didn't call me even once for Defenders of the Realm. And why I've been reduced to a Sequel Hook in the latest movie! Who cares about this Cole guy anyway, that follow-up can't come out soon enough!

It really blows I missed that throwdown with those superheroes though then ol' literal clownshoes showed up and his happy-sack got its turn with my fists though so it's all good.

As of this 2023, I'm ready to get a Third Run in a timeline restarted by Liu Kang! A lot has changed in this reboot, but one thing hasn't; I'm the star and I always get top-billing! Thanks to what Liu had in mind for me, I now got a whole franchise in the works! Seriously, watch the other guys' endings, they totally line up this time!

Still here? Read on and see how I became the man that I am today.

• Action Dad: Cassandra Cage is my little warrior princess and I can't be any more proud of her.
• Amazon Chaser: A woman who's easy on the eyes? Check. A woman who can hold her own in the ring? Beat still, my heart. A woman who can kick my ass? Lady, here I come (no innuendo intended, boys and girls).
• Amicable Exes: It was one-sided between Sonya and me, with Yours Truly being the amicable one. Took being kidnapped by Shinnok and Cassie kicking his ass to finally get her to warm up to me.
• Arch-Enemy: Kano. Yeah, he may not be as much of my nemesis as he is my wife's. And I'll admit, that wallaby can be amusing at times, just not as much as me. But he's brought a lot of grief to my Sonya and the Special Forces entirely and it doesn't help he keeps eyeing my little girl like a creepo too. So if he knows what's good for him, he'll back off. If not, I'll be the one throwing him off a bridge.
• Arrogant Kung-Fu Guy: Yeah, yeah. I admit that my charming personality runs plenty of people the wrong way, but given that I'm Raiden's chosen dude, it's totally justified.
• Ascended Extra: Before Raiden resettled the timeline, I was part of the supporting cast. Kang was the golden boy, the point man, the star of the show. That all changed when Sindel came calling and Raiden accidentally fried his champion. Now, I got the job of being Raiden's golden boy. But sometimes, the price for such fame can be very high.
• Ascended to a Higher Plane of Existence:
  • Kinda happens to me if I win the game in Trilogy. I'm supposed to be dead by that time but the bullshit Shao Kahn wins means I get a little extra time home to help my pals kick his ass. Once that's done, my soul goes all the way up "to a higher place..." Gimme a minute.
  • Sonya may deny it, but I know why she made me a God in her most recent ending. One: because Cassie insisted. Two: because Sonya missed me. If only a little. And sorry, babe, I know everything.
• Back from the Dead: By my count, I died at least three times. Top that, Sean Bean. Not to say that I had a couple of close calls. But I also refuse to die in my movies. If there's a hint of me biting it in the script, the writer must be high.
• Badass Boast: Before I gave Kano a punch down under, he assumed that I was all wire work and special effects. The truth is that I am the special effects.
• Badass in a Nice Suit: Given the chance, I can rock a mean tuxedo. Hell, I parachuted onto Shang Tsung's Island in one and I spent most of the first tournament in one.
• Badass in Distress: Usually, I'm the one pulling off the Big Damn Heroes schtick in my films and on occasion, in real life. When Shinnok was freed, I was the one who needed rescuing from Ol' Fishface and the Revenants.
• Badass Normal: Wanna know how I can hang in a tournament with ninjas, commandos, sorcerers, gods and wannabe conquerors? Found out from Raiden that I got a warrior bloodline. I'm descended from a Mediterranean warrior cult that bred fighters for the gods. That explains the Glow and how I was able to tank Shinnok's best attacks. And in Liu Kang's All New, All Shiny Era, I don't even have the Glow or that anti-god stuff! I'm just that hardcore, baby!
• Berserk Button: I got several. Rip on my film career? I'll just kick your ass. Take shots at my tattoo? Start praying, asswipe. Mess up my face? Now I'm not holding back. Kill my best friend and ruin my pair of $500 sunglasses? You're dead. Threaten Sonya and/or Cassie? Oh, do I have something bad planned for you…
  • Hell, even I can push 'em myself. Like the time I ruined my younger self's pair of $500 sunglasses so he'd have to give me a chance to knock some sense into him.
• Beware the Silly Ones: Don't let my laid back personality fool you. I can get down and dirty with the best of them. And as mentioned above, you threaten anyone I care about, then I'll bust out the Glow and get medieval on your ass.
• Big Fancy House: Casa del Cage! New Era me has got one swanky ass mansion! Or rather, had. Had to sell it as part of my divorce agreements with Cristina. Ahh, man...
• Bodyguarding a Badass: Not me, obviously, but in those ol' Malibu rags (hey, remember them?) I sent my ol' pal Bo (no, not the drunk guy or the lady that runs the Teahouse) to give my new pal Kang some backup. Liuie didn't really need it but it's the thought that counts, ya know?
• Box Office Bomb: My film debut, Ninja Mime. Not my best work, yet the French filmgoers love it to the point that I'm still making sequels decades later. Europeans are weird. Also, best not mention it to Cyrax. The guy says I owe him eight bucks for it. He's a cyborg so how…?
• Bragging Theme Tune: Ever heard of "Prepare Yourself?" It's from the old MK music album and if you ever want a musical biography and a tell-all on how great I am, give it a listen, you'll be amazed. Lemme hear it: JOHNNY CAGE IS NOT AFRAID TO DIE!
• Brought Down to Badass: In Liu's new timeline, I don't have the Green Glow of the Gods anymore (or maybe not yet, who knows). Doesn't make me less of a badass though.
• The Casanova: I've had my fair share of conquered female hearts along the way, including GI Sonya, but that one was for real. My Aussie friend doesn't believe I'm not paying ladies to be with me, but hey, maybe he's projecting his own issues onto me.
• Casanova Wannabe: My bad luck with women only extends to those who I fight and I hold no hard feelings. They can always change their mind.
• Car Fu: In the new timeline EP'd by Liu, I've got myself a sweet ride. Purrs like a leopard, got so many horses under the hood. I can give you a ride in it... but let's just say the car is insured, and you're not. Gonna drag you on a drive that will blow your mind.
• The Champion: I ended up with the job after Kang bought the farm.
• Character Development: I'm loyal to my friends despite acting like a total goof and act as the conscience to Raiden and his team. And as Cassie can tell you, I was a great father and mentor to her and the rest of the Kombat Kids.
  • But I didn't get there by taking the easy road. My younger self had to find this out the hard way. After nearly losing everything after beating Shinnok, Young Me cleaned up his act and through the hardships, became the man I knew I can be.
• The Charmer: It's why Sonya keeps me around…even though she doesn't admit it. I did kept her from going off the handle on Kotal when we were looking for Cassie and Jacqui.
• Chronically Killed Actor: Putting aside what kinda game series this is…back in the old timeline my film companies liked doing movies about me dying over and over again. Actually it's why I jumped in on the fight with the Gruesome Twosome way back when.
• Combat Pragmatist: The bad guys don't fight fair, so why should I? Fighting dirty is a Cage specialty.
• Cool Shades: My most prized possession are my sunglasses. And at $500 a pair, they're not cheap.
• Cool Teacher: Team S-F was my brainchild and I'm actually not half bad at teaching. Go me.
• Deadpan Snarker: Wouldn't be me if I couldn't bring the snark. And I still got it.
• Did You Just Punch Out Cthulhu?: I think you mean Did I Just Kicked An Elder God's Ass? I consider that to be my finest hour. And if his family's got a problem with it, I'll take them down too.
• Distaff Counterpart: Miss Janet Cage, everybody! Turns out there's a universe where I'm more or less the same, just as a damn fine lookin' lady! Whodathunkit?
• Dude, Where's My Respect?: For the love of the Elder Gods… is it that hard to believe that I brought the pain to Shinnok?!
• Embarrassing Nickname: WHAT?! YOU TALKED TO MY MOM ABOUT THAT?! Do NOT call me "Johnny Pee-Pants"! I had one accident! ONE!
• Empowered Badass Normal: Thanks to my badass Glow that some cultists gave me, not even powered bad guys are safe from Yours Truly!
• Every Car Is a Pinto: Down in the New Era I got supercars that tend to explode when they crash. If you wanna test drive them nonetheless, I'll let you get behind the wheel. Or hell, I'll MAKE you get behind the wheel. Hey, if you gotta go, go out with a bang, right?
• Fighting Clown: Clown? I resent that, I'm a thespian. Sure, I played Ninja Mime and all, but having fun while fighting doesn't make me a clown. I like to goof off, that's all.
• The Fighting Narcissist: Arrogant? Yes. But I can back it up. And despite that, I'm quite possibly the most selfless hero Raiden has on payroll.
• Flipping the Bird: I give ol' Boonie a bird when my Deadly Uppercut just won't work right in 11, I give you one when you contemplate my extensive buckle collection, let's just say YOU get a finger and YOU get a finger! And in 1, I'll start the fight off with this generous greeting of mine, especially if you break my shades.
• The Friend Nobody Likes: Yeah, I'll admit I was quite a jackass back in my younger days, made more enemies than friends along the way… but now I'm one of the most lovable people in the Earthrealm. Just ask Cassie and her friends.
• Germans Love David Hasselhoff: I think this is one of those In-Universe things. Don't ask me why, but the French absolutely love my Ninja Mime series. I don't quite understand why, but if they're that willing to pay to enjoy my greatness, who am I to deny them?
• Good Parents: Yeah I can be a womanizing dickhead and a moron-and-a-half who just doesn't wanna read the room, but goddammit I'm gonna say it real proud, I love my precious lil' girl, Cassie. And don't you fuckin' forget it.
• Groin Attack: Forget about a gentleman's code in the real battle, you're not earning any honor points there. If you wanna really take someone out, you gotta crack some family jewels… or hurt a lady in tender places. Trust me, this little trick saved my hide countless times.
  • Yep, I also get my boys kicked real hard. Especially in Scorpion's own movie - wait, Scorpion has his own movie now?! And yeah, Bugsy joins in on the fun in the sequel.
• Guest Fighter: Ever play WWE Immortals? It was an old mobile game the Netherrealm boys made. Which means I showed up in that. Be honest, you got a kick out of me punchin' John Cena in the corporate grapefruits, didn't ya?
• Guile Hero: I'm not just good looks and raw charisma, despite the appearances. Behind this handsome face lies a cunning brain. Had to use to beat Goro that one time. Luring him to a cliff and knocking his four-armed ass off of it? Brilliant.
• Has a Type: Got a thing for blondes since Suzie Denardo back in junior year. Also got a thing for Edenians, as I once dated a woman who looked just like Jade.
• Hidden Depths: Hey, look at that, the clown uses his brain on occasion, what a shock!
  • I may have a bigass ego, but I'm capable of bein' all nice and humble when it's needed. Certainly didn't have a problem with Jax rearranging my face down in the Armory. I did pick on him about Sonya after all.
  • My film career's given me enough business savvy to make the right calls and offers on occasion. Now if only people would bite…
  • Oh, and Shang Tsung actually got a firsthand taste of Cage philosophy with this line:
    Me in 11: Every man dies, but not every man really lives.
• Heel Realization: Believe it or not, that me from the Malibu pages nearly went down the wrong path. Long story short, magic book thing that gave you shittons of power if you solved all its riddles. Me/Other me was this close to solving the last riddle 'til that Raiden told me I'd be as fake as shit as my haters said if I did. So I tossed it aside. I mean, that unvierse's Goro got the power anyhow.
• I Hate Past Me: Yeah, I'll be frank. I was a total ***ing asswipe in my prime. I blame my dad for putting ideas in my head. So when he/I got the bright idea to loudly announce to the whole damn world that he/I was gonna "tap" past!Sonya at the wrong goddamn time, I took him/me out back and beat some good hard manners into him/myself.
• Lady Killer In Love: Sonya and I have literally gone to hell and back and traded blood, sweat and tears defending Earthrealm. Never lost an eye for beauty, but as I told my lesser experienced self, Sonya's the "real deal".
• Large Ham: I'm an actor, I act with emotion and sometimes these emotions just burst out of me in a grand display of showboating. That's why I mostly play action heroes, subtlety isn't my style.
• Let's Get Dangerous!: Yeah, I know when to take the kid gloves off and actually take things serious. Look at Shinnok and you know not to make me mad.
• Los Angeles: Venice Beach is where I was born and raised.
• The Merch: There's been action figures of me in the past. Still hot sellers too. Kids, collectors, it's all money in the bank. Except my daughter's. That's staying right in the Cage house.
• Mr. Fanservice: Ladies can't get enough of this perfectly sculpted body, this disarming smile and this silky-smooth voice.
• The Nicknamer: I like nicknames, they're funny. I think my magnum opus is "Grandmaster Blueberry Ice" for my black-and-blue Chinese assassin buddy! Apparently I hear he's only okay with me calling him that and not Captain Clown.
• Off with His Head!: Best of the best next to ol' Subby, baby! One punch and off goes your noggin! And another and another if I'm feelin' wacky! Don't ask. Sadly, the intro to the reboot proved turnabout's fair play. First thing you see is my sliced-off top. Yick.
• Older Than They Look: Let's see… I was 29 when I first got the invite to Shang Tsung's island. Add on the 25 years and you get 54. By the time Kronika pulled off her Timequake, I was 56. I age like wine.
• O.O.C. Is Serious Business: Yeah, I take some people about as seriously as I always do, which is…not at all. Until you go planning to do nasty shit to my loved ones. Here's a free tip: Don't.
• Our Ancestors Are Superheroes: Turns out my ancestors were superhuman warriors, bred as champions for the Gods. Explains the Glow, don't it?
• Papa Wolf: Don't mess with my daughter. You'll regret that life choice. And don't mess with Jacqui either. She may not be blood-related, but she is my goddaughter. Plus Jax is gonna come fists blazing if something happens to her, so better you get your ass handed to you by me than him.
• Person as Verb: Hey, I invented the use of "Cage" as a verb, bucko! Don't worry, your continued adoration is my royalties.
• Plucky Comic Relief: What I'm good at. Of course, a comedic character can also be a hero, so I'm fine with that.
• Pop-Cultured Badass: I'm a major cinephile, so in addition to starring in movies, I watch some where I'm not featured. What? It's not like I'm contractually forbidden to watch 'em. Besides, I can always use a good quote to insult some jerk. They complete me.
• Power Incontinence: Remember my warrior bloodline? Apparently, my powers went a… tad bit nuts and caused a bit of property damage. Raiden and Nightwolf shipped me off to Seido in order to better control my powers.
• The Power of Love: Raiden theorized that I can only use the Glow whenever a loved one is threatened. Pretty much confirmed when Cassie kicked Shinnok's face in.
• Produce Pelting: My not-so-loving fans put me on the wrong end of this in my MK4 ending way back when. And yes that includes you, Arnold, don't you go denying it now you oversized ham hock! Then my amateur puppetry show in 11 got me a tomato-shower. I mean they all miss but my poor puppet always gets a faceful.
• Reasonable Authority Figure: Would you rather deal with me or General Hardass? Thought so.
• Roaring Rampage of Revenge: What happened when Young Asswipe Me got a scar on his face from a Black Dragon bullet whizzing by? That. It didn't take but I guess it's something.
• Sharp-Dressed Man: You bet your sweet ass I am! Mostly in 4 and Deadly Alliance, where I can ditch the classic tights for a crisp-as-all-hell tuxedo. I mean I got a nice suit in the reboot, but I left the tie undone and the shirt unbuttoned! Man, how little time did I have to get ready? Ugh!
• Shotoclone: Is that what they call my bag of tricks? Anyway yeah, you got the classic Shadow Balls (in arcing AND straight-on flavors), the ol' Johnny Uppercut and the patented Shadow Kick™ for mobility specials with feet.
• Silver Fox: I may be in my mid-50s, but you can bet your ass I'm still pretty good-looking!
• Situational Damage Attack: So here's the thing; that famous Nutcracker of mine? I used to never use it on ladies since I thought there'd be nothin' there for the move to get mileage out of. Of course, by later outings, it's, regrettably, no holds barred.
• Snark-to-Snark Combat: Now you know where Cassie gets it from. And apparently, I've been rubbing off on Sonya since she can snark just as good as me. Between you and me, I may vomit with pride.
• Spanner in the Works: Old Boneface certainly didn't expect me to whip his behind that time. That's why next time he escaped from his luxury suite amulet, he made sure I was taken out by D'Vorah. Ewww, my skin crawls when I think of all those maggots eating my face.
• Stronger with Age: Even Young Me admits that I'm a tough little bastard.
• Sunglasses at Night: I don't let nighttime keep my $500 babies in my pocket, no sirrie! I mean I did used to have them off in earlier games, but not later on. And by the way, I don't bump into shit when I wear 'em.
• Tall, Dark, and Handsome: It's nerve-wracking being an Adonis. Six-foot-one, two hundred pounds of American badassery.
• Team Dad: I'm a lot more flexible than Sonya. It's one of the main reasons why Cassie's team respects me.
• Thou Shalt Not Kill: I'd rather not take a guy out if I can help it. War's war and all but there's a difference between Shang telling me to kill a helpless Reptile at the tourney and the shit goin' on with Shinnok.
• To Unmasque the World: Not my idea of course, but this is the job the new big bossman Liu Kang gave me in the New Era. I gotta teach all you ordinary folk there's other worlds out there with freaky monsters and all that crazy shit. But I can't just do that all at once, you guys'll keel over from shock! So how about I feed bits of it to ya, piece by piece...via a multimedia franchise? Don't you just love meta-humor?
• Took a Level in Kindness: After decades of inter-realm intrigue, you can bet that it's changed me for the better.
• Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny: That's right. A couple of guys that host a show like Mortal Kombat put yours truly up against some famous zero-g racer just because I was gonna play him in an upcoming flick. Sadly, I joined the count of deaths because of him.
• Vitriolic Best Buds:
  • Even though the big man won't admit it easily, Jax considers me a good friend, despite beating the crap out of me a few times. It's how bromance happens. In fact, if life was a buddy cop movie, I'd definitely pick him as my partner.
  • New Era me and Kenshi met when the latter busted into my Malibu mansion demanding I hand over a sword I bought legally. Tried to cut me up when I said no. Rocky start, eh? We started getting along a bit better once Liu sent us on that Outworld infiltration job, even if he was still antsy about...well...everything.
• Working with the Ex: Can't really avoid Sonya, y'know, her being the General of S-F and a fellow chosen warrior. But when it comes down to it, there's no one I'd trust to watch my back than her.
• You Called Me "X"; It Must Be Serious: Speaking of Sonya, she still carries a torch for me whenever she calls me "Johnny". She can deny it, but the romance is still there.