(For an authentic experience, it's my recommendation that you read the following in the voice of J. K. Simmons, per his longer track record. However, the voices of Paul Kigman, Robert F. Simon, William Woodson, Edward Asner, Daran Norris or Darin De Paul will adequately work as alternatives, along with others who I'm sure I've missed. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, and please, enjoy the p— WHAT DO YOU MEAN, THE COFFEE MACHINE'S BROKEN!? YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO MAKE SURE IT WOULDN'T— GET IT FIXED WITHIN THE NEXT TWENTY-FOUR HOURS OR YOU'RE FIRED, JARED!)
Greetings. This is J. Jonah Jameson, esteemed reporter, two-time Pulitzer Prize winner, and publisher of New York's finest newspaper and/or digital media outlet, the Daily Bugle.
And here at the Bugle, we take pride in celebrating all the heroes who strive to make our world a better place: the emergency services who constantly cleanse our streets of disease, disaster, and terror; the thousands of brave men and women fighting overseas to protect and serve us back home; the visionary scientists, engineers, and astronauts like my very own son, John; the intrepid writers and reporters such as yours truly who fight to give the people a voice in times of hardship; all the way down to the average Jeans of our very city, adamant in their struggles against injustices such as homelessness or cultural discrimination, right from the ground level.
That all said, we at the Bugle aim to give honest answers first. We're hopeful, not overtly and foolishly idealistic, and we're willing to judge or even condemn those who use the guise of "heroism" for their own selfishness or ego. Those who spout theatrics and performance while having no sense of justice or responsibility. This brings me to today's topic, yet again…
Spider-Man. Spider-Man. Does whatever he wants, and what does that web-headed hooligan have to show for it? I'll tell you what he has to show for it! A streak of desecration, destruction, and rampant carelessness, that's what! For how long have we New Yorkers spent watching him vandalize our property with his disgusting web fluid? How many times has he dragged other costumed psychopaths into the streets with him? How many disasters and ruined lives will it take for us to finally deal with this so-called "hero" like the unhinged MENACE that he is!?
We've all spent years watching his "contributions" to society like disappointed parents, but nevertheless, I won't be deterred, and you shouldn't be, either. And if you're listening, "Spidey", know this: we're New Yorkers, and we won't back down until you're unmasked, jailed, and run out of town! Preferably in that order! You don't want to be famous? Then we'll make you infamous!
On to the tropes section of today's issue (whatever that means):
- Badass Normal:
- It was one of those days, I guess, but I once gave a giant lizard standing outside the Bugle’s window a good piece of my mind.
- And during that Inferno malarkey, I showed those demons why it's a bad idea to pick a fight with an angry New Yorker who's down to his last nerve!
- And back when I was in high school, I trained as a boxer along with being in the photography club. When three of my high school's top athletes started hassling me, I taught them a lesson they never forgot. My classmate Joan saw the fight, and she was so impressed she became my darling wife.
- Even when on the ropes, I have nerves of steel. When the Green Goblin himself had me by the neck in my own office, I refused to tell him who was giving me pictures of Spider-Man. Despite my status and corner office, I'm still a journalist at heart... and a journalist never gives up his sources! WRITE THAT DOWN, THAT WAS A GOOD ONE!!
- Berserk Button: Anything involving THAT MISERABLE WALL CRAWLING MENACE! Like how I keep getting callers every now and then who say they "know" he wasn't involved with whatever crime he allegedly stopped. 'Have to cut it short since there's no point trying to reason with them... People these days.
- Cigar Chomper: I used to be one of the most iconic examples in comics, at least before Joe Quesada made the entire Marvel Universe butt out. I was never without a good cigar, and I thoroughly enjoyed them.
- Da Editor: I'm also "Da Chief", and don't you forget it! And learn to spell, for crying out loud!
- Everyone Has Standards: ...there's one rule above all others. We at the Bugle only accept GENUINE news. The fastest way to get yourself outta this job...make fake pictures. One Bruckner kid tried it and bit the dust. And for GOOD REASON.
- George Jetson Job Security: THAT'S ENOUGH BACKCHAT! YOU'RE FI— wait, you don't work for me. YOU'RE UN-FIRED! NOW GET A REAL JOB, TROPERS!
- Going for the Big Scoop: I made a name for myself as a reporter doing this. Even as the Bugle publisher, I've still got into the thick of it. I've risked my life multiple times, but nothing will stop me from getting my story!
- Hair-Trigger Temper: Hmmph. Some people say I'm this, but is it my fault that I'm Surrounded by Idiots? You'd be Enraged by Idiocy too if you had to put up with the crap I've dealt with!
- Intrepid Reporter: Damn right! I made my bones as a newspaper reporter working for the Daily Bugle, exposing corruption and helping oppressed groups fight for their civil rights. I kept it up after I bought the Bugle when it was in bad financial shape. I've been fighting for the city and the country I love for decades...and I've done it without any fancy costumes or superpowers!
- Jerk with a Heart of Gold: Alright, alright...I'll admit I've done things like pay for Parker's legal fees when he was Wrongly Accused, not to mention his wedding, directed my staff to make information about Parker's wife Mary Jane priority one when she was abducted, given Betty Brant her mother's job after the mother died and Betty needed to support herself and moved heaven and earth to get a pardon for my old friend Joe Robertson when he was coerced into keeping silent about a crime. Just don't tell anybody, alright? I have a reputation to maintain!
- Large Ham: You can't earn any respect without being the biggest person in the room!
- Likes Clark Kent, Hates Superman: I'll take a moment to admit that Parker is... somewhat respectable. Yes, he's often indulgent in his youth and stupidity (they all are), but the kid's had a consistent track record in getting my needed photos of Spider-Man for years, and he deserves some credit for it. I'm sure that webhead just wishes he could be even half the man Parker is, warts and all. And don't you dare ask about what I've been up to with either of them lately, you'll get nothing outta me! Got it?! It's not like a place like this makes that much sense to begin with!
- Malicious Slander: Some people have the nerve to claim that my reporting on Spider-Man's numerous criminal activities is this. And I resent that accusation! Slander is spoken! When it's print, it's libel.
- Multiple-Choice Past: What do you mean I keep having different reasons for claiming Spider-Man as a menace?! Why can't it just be all of them?!
- My Greatest Failure: ...My vendetta against the web-slinger has led me to do some things I'm not proud of, namely financing the creation of the Scorpion and the Spider-Slayers. I've paid restitution to their victims over the years...and this is still something I regret.
- Parental Substitute: Just what are you getting at? Just because I gave Betty her mother's job after her mother died and she needed to support herself, and later gave her away at her wedding, gave Parker a job after he lost his uncle and helped him out financially on the sly, and mentored that sweetheart Cindy Moon when she was breaking into the journalism business, you think I have a paternal interest in any of them? I'd tell you where to shove your accusation, but this is a family website... note
- Reasonable Authority Figure: Yes, I have very high standards, but I can also recognize when people actually live up to them. When Parker and reporter Joy Mercado returned from Ireland after doing a story on The Troubles, I went off like a volcano at all the expenses they charged...right up until I saw the dynamite story and pictures they brought back. The photos were so good, I skeptically asked Parker if he was the one who took them.
- The Scrooge: That Ebenezer fellow had the right idea. I'll admit I can be a bit...frugal on things like building maintenance and staff parties, but when you live in New York it's just good sense!
- Self-Deprecation: The dearly departed Stan Lee said that he based me off other people's image of him back in the day. Hmmph-he might think he was depicting himself as an arrogant hardass, but he was clearly just reflecting his determination and high standards!
- Single-Issue Wonk: No one will ever question my journalistic integrity or my commitment to the truth. I've stepped on enough toes to ruffle every feather in New York with a modicum of institutional power. And while I'm hardly a pushover to my subordinates, I always do right by them when it matters most. That is, no one will doubt these things as long as I DON'T TALK ABOUT SPIDER-MAN! HOW IS EVERYONE IN NEW YORK SO DELUDED? AM I SERIOUSLY THE ONLY ONE WHO SEES THE THREAT HE POSES TO OUR CITY?!
