What the hell are YOU starin' at?! Self-demonstrating, huh? You mean, you want me to talk about myself? Um, well, why didn't you say so? That I can do. Duckman, Private Dick, Family Man, World-Renowned Ladies' Man. My first name's Eric, but don't call me that. I have a family that hate my guts; I live with my godawful fitness freak of a sister-in-law and a comatose fire hazard of a mother-in-law, my Siamese twins Charles and Salsa, and Ajax, who is, let's just say there's bread in the oven but the pilot light's out, but he's the only person who I can talk to without alienating me. I'll admit, he's a good kid. I wonder when his birthday is? Never mind, did I mention that I work as a detective? Cornfed's my assistant, and of course, I do all the work, while he and those nightmare bears are right behind me, or in the bears' case, ticking me off with their uber-politically correct crap to the point where I literally beat the stuffing out of them. Yep, Duckman here is the world's greatest detective, and the chicks juuust dig me!
Of course, I had a wife. She got killed in a parade accident or so I thought until she walked in on a wedding one day. Why did Corny never tell me this? I thought we were, you know, pals! He was going to but my show was cancelled before he could. Why?! Dozens of people watch USA! And wouldn't you know it, the creator of my show bit the big one so it's not gonna be resolved. Unless someone who cares enough about television steps in, and what are the chances of that? In the meantime, you're stuck with Law & Order spin-off reruns and wrestling. note
What the hell are you staring at?! Go look at my tropes, you jerks! Read all about America's true hero Duckman!:
- Accidental Misnaming: My twins are called Charles and Samba. Or is it Rumba? N boyo, it's Jive. Ah, forget it.
- Anti-Role Model: "Role model?" Ha! Any halfway intelligent audience would know I'm not somebody to imitate. Who'd aspire to imitate someone who's gotten the stuffing knocked out of him so many times, the only reason he gets up in the morning is because either he's really stupid, or somewhere, deep down inside, beats the heart of a disappointed, yet still hopeful, idealist. A yellow (YES, YELLOW!) teller of truth, who's a spokesperson for the silent masses who'd love to tell it like it is, who's an idol to be emulated, nay, a GOD, to be bowed down to!... But, heh, I'm... I'm not a role model.
- Arch-Enemy: King Chicken! You know, that smarmy KFC reject who sounds like the bloated British guy from Rocky Horror Picture Show? He wants to destroy me just because I may have led a decade-long bullying campaign against him in school that drove him to villainy or whatever. Friggin' crybaby. Some people just can't let go of the past, you know?
- Bad Boss: If I want to teach Fluffy and Uranus a lesson on why political correctness is a bunch of crap, I will, the good ol' Duckman way. What?! Nobody cares about those furry freaks anyway! Though they did get me incarcerated to a women's prison once. And boy, did I get a lot out of that!
- Bad Liar: Yep, I've solved many cases in my career as a detective. What the hell are you staring at?! I have! What is this, 20 questions?! I'm the detective, not you!
- Blind Without 'Em: Think that smart sweater girl from Scooby-Doo has it rough? At least she has eyes and some vision. Me on the other hand, I'm actually screwed without my glasses! Seriously, they're literally my eyes for some reason, and they float off my face too! Freaky stuff.
- Butt-Monkey: You honestly have no idea! My family hates me, sometimes the whole world seems to hate me too, my wife died because of me, I have a cartoonishly long list of things wrong with my life I will not go over anymore! And Cornfed keeps taking all the credit for all my hard work.
- Casanova Wannabe: But the chicks do dig me! Honest! Corny just keeps stealing them from me, that's all.
- Defective Detective: Well, what the hell did you expect? If you had a childhood as messed-up as mine, never got over the seeming death of the only woman you ever truly loved, and was forced to spend your home life with a woman who constantly tears you down day in and day out, all while the universe seems determined to use you as its personal crap bucket, YOU'D PROBABLY BE PRETTY SCREWED UP TOO!!!
- Future Me Scares Me: Oh why did it have to be this trope to pad my page? Okay, fine, I'll do if it means not having it deleted for not having enough content here as is. I kinda promised Charles and Bossanova to attend their recital. Then Ajax somehow managed to rip a hole in time and space. I met one of my future selves who got filthy rich just by attending the recital, but before I could go through with it, I get an unwelcome visit from my other future selves and long story short, things went downhill from there...note
- Hair-Trigger Temper: A lot of things piss me off: Bernice, political correctness, the world's condition, Bernice, chicks ignoring me, people staring at me, Bernice, people that park in my space, those dummy bears Fluffy and Uranus, the list goes on. Oh, and Bernice.
- Hated by All: So much so, than my mail at the office consists of collection agencies, paternity suits, death threats, letter bombs and human feces. When Bernice came to give me grief about the mail getting delivered to our house again, I asked how she knew the feces were human!
- I Hate Past Me: Averted and defied, baby! During that aforementioned fiasco, past me dropped by and asked me about Beatrice. I only replied with "You're gonna love her 'til the day you die."
- Jerkass Has a Point: Sure, call me a Jerkass. Everybody else does. They might even have a point. But when I get really wound up and go on an angry tirade, I often make a lot of insightful comments.
- The Lost Lenore: Beatrice or so I thought. Having a battle-axe for a twin sister didn't help matters either.
- Obnoxious In-Laws: Take away all the sweetness and gentleness of my dear Beatrice and add in those two chainsmoker sisters from The Simpsons, that hair-triggered intolerable bitch from one of those mangas kids today are obsessed with note with a bit of the red-headed bitchy pilot from that messed up mecha anime note , and finally that old bat from Sanford and Sonnote and you get Bernice. I am so glad I did not marry her, though I wish God would swap their places; as in, spare Beatrice and have Bernice die horribly. And make it as slow and painful as possible! Wait, people can see this? And what do you mean Bernice isn't a bad person? And that she is right about me being a lousy person? She is and she isn't! And to hell with what you think. I hate that loud-mouthed lardass and that's that!
- Only Friend: *sighs* Okay I admit it. Cornfed's the only friend I have in my screwed-up life.
- Other Me Annoys Me: Ugh, with the exception of the young version of myself, every one of my temporal copies were a damn nightmare to deal with. Luckily, I managed to rewire the machine causing the problem so a certain obnoxious scientist got a taste of the crap I had to deal with...
- Parents as People: Okay, so I ain't exactly the paragon of fatherhood with Ajax, Charles and Polka, but what'd ya expect from a guy whose own parents were crappy examples and still grieving over the apparent death of his own wife?
- Political Overcorrectness: The bane of my existance!! Comedy turns into watered down glop, everything has to be "sensitive and inclusive", and a guy can't even spy on a sorority house with a high-powered telescope anymore because it's technically sexual harassment! Though I thought things were bad in the 90's, you 21st century people are basically living in my personal Hell and Japanimation isn't looking too hot either as that Shimoneta series goes to show that Japan wants to go beyond pixelating the good stuff. Welp, have fun with that!
- Unsympathetic Comedy Protagonist: Yeah, so I ain't a paragon of virtue and I never claimed to be. But the sheer amount of crap the universe puts me through more than makes up for it.
- Ugly Guy, Hot Wife: Hey, who you calling ugly, you mouth-breathing- *sigh* Alright, maybe on this one example, there's a kernel of truth. Beatrice was way out of my league, I can admit to that. But hey, I wasn't going to look a gift horse in the mouth!
