(This page is best read with this
playing in the background. To read this page without the loud voice in your head, go here.)
ARE YOU TIRED OF HAVING UNLIMITED BROWSING TIME? DOES HAVING ONLY TWO OR THREE TABS OPEN AT A TIME FRUSTRATE YOU? WELL I HAVE A SOLUTION.
HI! BILLY MAYS (FROM THE AFTERLIFE) HERE WITH TVTROPES, THE QUICKEST WAY TO RUIN YOUR LIFE AND EAT UP ALL OF YOUR FREE TIME. BUT FIRST, A LITTLE ABOUT ME.
I WAS BORN WILLIAM DARRELL MAYS JR., AND I WAS AN AMERICAN TELEVISION DIRECT-RESPONSE ADVERTISEMENT SALESPERSON MOST NOTABLE FOR PROMOTING FIX-IT, OXICLEAN, ORANGE GLO, KABOOM, ZORBEEZ, AND OTHER CLEANING, HOME-BASED, AND MAINTENANCE PRODUCTS ON THE HOME SHOPPING NETWORK, AND THROUGH MY COMPANY, MAYS PROMOTIONS, INC. I HAD ALL THE POWER OF ALLCAPS WITHOUT THE DAMAGING SIDE-EFFECTS.
IF THE WORLD OF INFOMERCIALS AND LATE NIGHT ADVERTISING CAN BE SAID TO HAVE STARS, I WAS ONE OF THE BIGGEST. MY ADVERTISING STYLE IS LARGE, LOUD AND IMPOSSIBLE TO IGNORE, AND I WAS A FAMILIAR FACE AND VOICE TO ANYONE WHO WATCHED TV IN THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA, EVEN IF YOU DIDN'T WANT ME TO BE.
I ADVERTISED SEVERAL PRODUCTS, SUCH AS ZORBEEZ, OXICLEAN, KABOOM, ORANGE GLO, HERCULES HOOKS AND EVEN MORE, A $49.99 VALUE, YOURS FOR ONLY $19.99 PLUS SHIPPING AND HANDLING.
BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE! CALL NOW, AND I'LL THROW IN A REALITY TV SERIES FOR FREE! THAT'S RIGHT, I'LL THROW IN A REALITY TELEVISION SHOW AT NO ADDITIONAL COST TO YOU! BEGINNING IN APRIL 2009 AND ALONGSIDE MY BEST FRIEND AND EQUALLY RECOGNIZABLE PITCHMAN ANTHONY "SULLY" SULLIVAN, I CO-HOSTED A REALITY SHOW ON THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL TITLED PITCHMEN, WHICH SHOWED HOW MY COMPANY CHOOSES THE PRODUCTS WE PITCH AND HOW WE CREATE OUR ADS. IT CONTINUED FOR ONE MORE SEASON AFTER MY DEATH, HOSTED BY MY VERY OWN SON, BILLY MAYS THE THIRD.
NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH THE BASEBALL PLAYER WILLIE MAYS OR BANDLEADER-COMPOSER-ARRANGER BILLY MAY.
HERE ARE SOME PRODUCTS I HAVE SOLD:
- Awesome Auger
- Big City Slider
- Ding King
- Grab-It
- Hercules Hooks
- iCan Health Insurance
- Jupiter Jack
- Kaboom!
- Liquid Diamond
- Mighty Putty
- Oxi Clean
- Samurai Shark
- Steam Buddy
- Zorbeez
THE SECRET'S IN THE TV TROPES MARKUP WIKI TECHNOLOGY, WHICH DESCRIBES EXAMPLES THAT I PROVIDE!:
- ADAM WESTING: I SHOWED UP ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE TO JOKE ABOUT OXYCLEAN.
- ALLITERATIVE NAME / Rhymes on a Dime: NOTICE A PATTERN IN MY PRODUCTS UP THERE?
- AND ONLY NINETY-NINE CENTS: YOURS FOR ONLY $19.99.
- Approval of God: I WASN'T TOO HAPPY AT FIRST ABOUT JABOOTY DUBS' PARODY OF ME, BUT I GREW TO LOVE IT WHEN I REALIZED IT WAS AN AFFECTIONATE PARODY.
- BATTLE RAPPING: I RAPPED AGAINST THAT LUMPY PUMPKIN WHO INVENTED THE MAIL! TOO BAD I DIED FROM A HEART ATTACK BEFORE I COULD SAY THERE'S MORE!
- BERSERK BUTTON: DON'T EVER MENTION SHAM-WOW OR VINCE OFFER AROUND ME.
- CHARACTER CATCHPHRASE:
- "HI, BILLY MAYS HERE!"
- "BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!"
- FLANDERIZATION: There was once a time when I did commercials at a normal volume. NOT ANYMORE.
- FULL-NAME BASIS: MY NAME IS BILLY MAYS.
- THE "FUN" IN FUNERAL: MY BODY WAS BURIED IN MY ICONICOUTFIT OF BLUE SHIRT, TAN PANTS. WHICH MY PALLBEARERS ALSO WORE.
- GAG DUB: JABO0ODY DUBS PUT A NEW SPIN ON MY ADS
- AND IF YOU CLICK WITHIN THE NEXT FIVE MINUTES, I'LL THROW IN A FREE YOUTUBE POOP. TRY THE BIG CITY TOILET TODAY!!
- AND IF YOU CLICK WITHIN THE NEXT FIVE MINUTES, I'LL THROW IN A FREE YOUTUBE POOP. TRY THE BIG CITY TOILET
- HAMMERSPACE: I ALWAYS CARRY AROUND THE PRODUCTS I ENDORSE, EVEN IF IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE I COULD POSSIBLY CARRY THEM.
- INCOMING HAM: HI, BILLY MAYS HERE!
- LARGE HAM: BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!
- LIMITED WARDROBE: BLUE SHIRT, TAN PANTS. ALWAYS.
- NO INDOOR VOICE: TO MEMETIC LEVELS.
- However, on my show Pitchmen, my voice is rather average behind the scenes.
- PRE-ASSKICKING ONE-LINER: WITH JUST TWO EASY STEPS, I CAN CLIMB OVER THESE SEATS AND KICK YOU RIGHT IN THE FUCKING BALLS!
- RIDICULOUSLY LOUD COMMERCIAL: CALL NOW, AND WE'LL TRIPLE THE OFFER!
- SELF-DEPRECATION:
- I DID ADS FOR DC SNOWBOARD AND ESPN 360 WHERE I POKED FUN AT MY OWN STYLE.
- I ALSO ORDERED MCDONALD'S BREAKFAST ONCE.
- SHOUT-OUT: I SHOWED UP IN A SOUTH PARK EPISODE ABOUT DEAD CELEBRITIES ONCE.
- TAKE THAT!: I'M NOT A FAN OF THE SHAM-WOW GUY.
HERE'S HOW TO ORDER! To order the Billy Mays TV Tropes page, call 1-800-555-5555. That's 1-800-555-5555. Don't delay, act now!
