Release: February 19, 2013
Movie: Pearl Harbor (2001)
Tagline: Behold, the Passion of the Bay!
This review contains examples of:
- Alternate Character Interpretation: In-Universe, where everyone in the film praises Rafe as an Ace Pilot and caring friend, the Critic views him more as a Jerkass who strings out his friends.
- Anachronism Stew: "Michael Bay" is shown using an iPhone in 1990 all the way to the early 2000s.
- Arc Words:"If you're going to suck, suck all the way."
- Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking: The Critic begins his review by stating just exactly what's wrong with this movie:"It's over three hours long, has no action until the middle, and is under the misconception that Ben Affleck is likeable."
- Artistic License – History: The Critic takes issue with the film showing the Japanese firing on civilians, when in real life they consciously avoided this... as well as America's own firing upon civilians being glossed out of the Doolittle raids.
- Atomic F-Bomb:Critic: YOU SON OF A BIIIIIIIIITCH!!!!!!!!!
- Bait-and-Switch Comparison: Lampshaded. The Critic starts with a lament about how Pearl Harbor was a terrible tragedy that befell America, but as it becomes clearer that he's talking about the movie, not the actual attack, he cuts it off and goes straight to the punch line.
- By "No", I Mean "Yes": When Michael Bay explains his plan about how to get every teenager in America to watch their movies.Mike: Make everything porn!
Peter: ...So, like, big-breasts and women...?
Mike: No. ...But yes! - Captain Obvious: When on the phone with Michael.Tina: Tell him I have big boobs!
"Dawg": Tina says she has big boobs. ...Why would that...? - Career Resurrection: In-Universe, Bay realizes that shooting everything like porn might be the key to regaining his fame.
- Cliché Storm: Invoked as the Critic's opinion on film.
- Crucified Hero Shot: Bay trips carrying his burden up the stairs, and falls with his arms spread out like a crucifix."Dawg": Truly this man was the son of shlock.
- "Eureka!" Moment: Dawg reminding Bay of when they shot porn makes him realize his winning gimmick for Hollywood.
- Faux Symbolism: Invoked and parodied. Studio executives sing praises to Bay as their Messiah. When Pearl Harbor bombs, Bay carries his burden of all its DVDs like a cross. When he revives his career, the executives sing that he is risen.
- Felony Misdemeanor: Critic blows up when he sees a soldier brushing his teeth in a bath towel during the attack.
- Hair Flip: Tina is always doing this, to the point of insanity."Dawg": (getting hit by Tina's hair) Bitch, what you on?!
- Heroic BSoD: Bay after Pearl Harbor fails both critically and at the box office.
- He Really Can Act: The Critic's In-Universe reaction to Dan Aykroyd in a serious role.
- Meaningful Name: The name of the producer played by Orlando Belisle is Peter. When Pearl Harbor bombs and he is inundated with angry accusations, he denies having ever heard of Michael Bay.
- Mundane Made Awesome: The Bay segments are often filmed with Dutch Angles, dramatic music, and elaborate
Faux Symbolism. This also turns out to resuscitate Bay's career, as he realizes shooting everything like porn will let him make anything awesome. - Narm Charm: In-Universe example. The Critic despises almost every use of cliches Bay invokes in this movie. Except for Roosevelt standing up. That's the sole part he wishes Michael Bay had made more over-the-top.
- "The Reason You Suck" Speech: To Michael Bay or whoever put that scene in:Critic: You know... dick... 'Cause that's what you are, a fucking dick... When you show this image of the American flag destroyed, you're not just showing your dollar store symbolism that says "Ooh, America's hurt." But, it's very clear that what is important to you is not how you view America. What is important to you is how others see you viewing America. So, you can make up whatever you want. You can fabricate things, you can lie about history. You can exaggerate, you can glorify, you can demonize, you can distort the facts. You can make up the truth. Make up the truth about people who lost their lives in this great tragedy. Why? Because you're doing it in the name that you fucking love America! I'm sorry! I-I-I don't fuck around with this shit! I don't, okay? These are people who lost their lives, people who have been drafted, people who volunteered, people putting their asses on the line, and many of them don't come back! You're taking it upon yourself to show that! And, I-I know what you're thinking, yeah, you're thinking, "Well, I'll just make up people because they weren't really there so I can do whatever I want with them, I can make shit up." And granted, you don't deserve the responsibility to show real events. You don't live in the real world! But what happens is that when you take it and base it on a real event, you have to show these real people. You have to get it right, Michael Bay! You have to get it right! Because this isn't Transformers, okay? That's kid's shit, you can do whatever you want. It's not The Rock! It's not Sean Connery saying "winners fuck the prom queen!" No, it's fucking Pearl Harbor! Reality! It actually happened! And I know you're thinking, "Well, it's Hollywood, we take liberties." Fuck you, it's not Hollywood! When you take it upon yourself to represent something that really happened and is still painful, and hurts a lot of people, that means you have to do two things. One, you have to grow up and be an adult! Two, you have to actually represent these people as best as humanly possible, YOU SON OF A BIIIIIIIIITCH!!!!
- Running Gag:
- Anytime the Critic gets annoyed with the leads' plotline, he brings up a map asking how close are the Japanese planes yet.
- A cross-video one: his continued forced-worship of God-on-high, treasure to the entire world and whatever parts of the universe are left undiscovered, Mako.
- Anytime the Critic gets annoyed with
- Shout-Out:
- During Critic's rant, he says "America, Fuck Yeah".
- During the protagonists meeting with Colonel Doolittle, Critic wonders if he can talk with the animals.
- Critic shows a clip from Tropic Thunder during Danny's death.
- "Well, we've had one romance, yes. [Scottish accent] What about seeecond romance?"
- In the film, as the Japanese planes fly toward Pearl Harbor, passing by two boys, the Critic dubs in the pilots' voices, saying as them, "Konnichi wa," except for the last pilot, who says, "All your base are belong to us!"
- Something Else Also Rises:
- In the porn film being filmed in the episode's opening, the actor being sucked off turns on the power drill he's carrying.
- Watching the scene where Danny and Evelyn have sex in a hangar leaves the Critic bewildered as stock footage of a parachute suddenly opening plays in the background.
- Suddenly Shouting: The Critic does both at the height of his epic rant.
- He also fulfills the latter trope when President Roosevelt rises to his feet from his wheelchair, and the Critic says, on his behalf, "I'M FUCKIN' DELANO ROOSEVELT, BIOTCH!!!"
- Take That!: The Critic/Doug gets so angry at the film's disrespectful portrayal of the events, that he openly calls Michael Bay a "son of a bitch".
- Tattered Flag: The Critic ridicules the use of this as poorly done Rule of Symbolism.
- Trailers Always Spoil: Rafe is shot down and presumed killed. Danny goes to Evelyn to break the bad news. But as Danny is embracing her, Critic adds, "Oh yeah, I'm sure he's really gone. That's why the advertisements show him in about twenty more scenes that he wasn't in yet. And hey! While we're at it, I get the feeling that Aragorn will make it through The Two Towers also! [Shows a clip from Two Towers in which Aragorn goes over the side of a cliff while snagged on a warg]"
- Tranquil Fury: The Critic starts out this way as he tears Michael Bay a new one.
"They call it an homage, sir." "A what?"
