- Date First Aired: 13/01/1997
We open on Brittas is calling Julie for help with a memo. Suddenly, a bodyguard comes in and starts patting him down. Helen comes in seeking money, which Brittas initially believes to be for a counseling course. As it turns out, she needs it for an auction she is planning to go to. At the following staff meeting, Brittas reveals that he can't tell them why the bodyguard is there, since the information is on a strictly "need to know" basis. However, Julie reveals that the bodyguard, a man named Greg, is part of her "Rapid Response Unit". Brittas then reveals to everyone that he's going to review them. As part of the process, each member has to generate a report on one of the employees that are lesser to them. To Gavin's displeasure, Colin has to do a report on him. However, as part of the reporting process, Tim gets to do a report on Brittas himself (due to the 360-degree nature of it).
Meanwhile, Brittas is asking for Tim's birth certificate, since the DSS does not have any records of him. Tim gives him this and it turns out that his surname is actually Göebbels, Tim having been German all along. Brittas notes that, since none of Tim's documents note that his surname is Whistler, he does not exist legally, ergo, to him, Tim does not exist. Brittas proceeds to act as if Tim is not there at all.
Meanwhile, we finally find out the reason Julie has a bodyguard: she has been receiving threatening notes from someone. Apparently, she saw a robbery a year ago and she's the star witness, so she thinks that she's going to get rid of by the robbers.
As Colin exerts his reporting skills over Gavin, Helen comes back with a box of knick-knacks, which she starts to give to everyone else. This includes a cigarette case with the engraving "I've Been To Gravesend". Back to the Brittas' home, Helen finds out that what she gave Brittas was the wrong sort of thing and Brittas tells her that you can't buy friendship.
The next day is staff performance review time, and Brittas wants everyone's reports. However, everyone has kind of messed it up. Brittas concludes that they're overworked and understaffed and a vacancy for a pool attendant is open. Greg informs Julie that the robbers have proclaimed themselves to be guilty, meaning that she no longer needs a bodyguard, much to her annoyance. Meanwhile, Helen takes away everyone's gifts. Tim tries to get the vacancy under his original name, which Brittas gives. Even better, since he's a Euro export, he gets a higher wage.
Julie gets another note, which turns out to be her former boyfriend, Alex, who wants to marry her again. Meanwhile, a poor choice of words from Colin leads Julie's bodyguard to shoot Brittas several times. Luckily, they all hit his cigarette case. Unluckily for Colin, he's hit in the head, although he's not too annoyed about it.
Tropes featured in this episode:
- Amusing Injuries: P.C. Edwards kicks down a door and crushes Gavin underneath it. This actually breaks Gavin's writing hand, ensuring that he is unable to write his report for the next day.
- …And That Little Girl Was Me: Brittas tells Helen a story about how he used to give people sweets when he was a child to get them to like him.Mr. Brittas: I remember when I was at school, my darlin', we had one little lad who always carried a bag o' sweeties around with 'im, and he always gave sweets to all the other boys and girls because he wanted them to be his friends, but do you think he could buy their friendship?Helen: No...Mr. Brittas: No. It didn't work for me then. (Beat) An' it's not goin' 'o work for you now.
- Big Eater: Julie tells Carole that P.C. Edwards never stops eating.
- Call-Back: The "threatening letters" Julie has been receiving are actually letters from her old boyfriend Alex from "Pregnant!" who has been trying to get back together with her.
- Catchphrase: P.C. Edwards has "ASSUME THE POSITION!".
- Cloudcuckoolander: When Brittas asks if anyone has noticed anything different in the centre, Colin starts rambling about a dead woodpecker he saw in his garden.
- Compressed Vice: Helen reveals she has a problem with buying people gifts they don't need or want, a trait which she has never shown before or since.
- Continuity Nod:
- Carole mentions that she has been at the centre longer than Julie, a reference to how Julie wasn't introduced until "Back From the Dead" in Series 2.
- The previous failure of Carole's assertiveness training from the previous episode, "The Elephant's Child", is brought up by Helen.
- Brittas' disapproval of smoking from "Safety First" also gets a brief mention.
- Carole's skills in literary writing pop up again in the form of her Purple Prose review of Linda.
- Cut-and-Paste Note: Julie has been getting these for a while, necessitating her getting a bodyguard. It turns out to actually be coming from her ex-boyfriend.
- Disappeared Dad: The identity of Tim's father is not given on his birth certificate, having apparently remained behind in East Germany after helping his mother escape to freedom. Considering the fact that his real last name is Göebbels, this leads to
Fridge Horror... - The Door Slams You: P.C. Edwards slams the door down on Gavin as he was leaving the bathroom.
- Embarrassing Last Name: Tim reveals he was born Timothy Göebbels and changed it to Whistler out of shame.
- Epic Fail: In the end, almost everyone fails their review - Linda and Tim's review is made null as Tim is currently an Un-person, Gavin was unable to write it as his writing hand is broken thanks to P.C. Edwards, Colin's went missing, Julie couldn't be bothered, and Carole's is too Purple Prose. The only person to actually do the report unhindered is Brittas, who gave Colin a grade around B. Brittas takes it to mean that the staff doesn't have the time to do proper reports and starts advertising for the position of pool attendant, which allows Tim to be legally recognized by Brittas again.
- Exact Words: Colin uses these to make Gavin look bad in his report.Colin: I noticed that there are no illegally parked cars.Gavin: No, thanks to me.Colin: "No thanks to Gavin".
- Failed a Spot Check: Helen gets Brittas a present to remind him of the trip they took to Gravesend two years ago. The only problem is Brittas was on a training course and Helen was cheating on him with someone else.
- Fainting: Colin passes out from blood loss at the end of the episode.
- Fictional Document: Carole's report on Linda, Love Conquers All.
- Friendship Bribe: Helen is learning about the importance of giving and receiving at one of her counseling courses, so she takes it to mean that gifting various stuff from an auction to the members of staff will earn their friendship. Whilst it seems to initially work, Brittas doesn't appreciate her gift, causing her to state her annoyance that evening and wonder whether the others were being polite. Brittas gently reminds her that "you can't buy friendship", even bringing up a previous incident when he tried to make friends with others by giving them sweets, but failed.
- Foreshadowing:
- Carole and Julie briefly discuss Alex (Julie's boyfriend from "Pregnant!"), with Julie noting that she hadn't seen him since she chucked him out. Guess who's sending the messages in the end?
- When Brittas asks for the location of Colin's review for Gavin, one of Colin's resultant rambles is the idea that life is but a dream. The final episode reveals that this is exactly an accurate assessment of the series when it turns out to be All Just a Dream.
- Fun with Acronyms: Carole was trained with Courtesy, Respect and Patience (or C.R.A.P).
- Game-Breaking Injury: The hand injury Gavin is given by P.C. Edwards prevents him from being able to do the review asked of him by Brittas.
- Given Name Reveal: It's revealed that Tim's surname is not actually "Whistler" as had been assumed but rather "Göebbels" - he had changed it long ago out of shame, although this wasn't reflected in his public records.
- I Just Shot Marvin in the Face: Colin gets hit in the head with a ricocheting bullet, but it doesn't seem to affect him much.
- Lazy Bum: Julie refuses to write her report on Carole claiming she can't be fagged.
- Leave No Witnesses: Why Julie has a bodyguard; she saw a robbery a year ago and she's the star witness for the trial, so she naturally thinks that said robber is intending to kill her in a bid to remove a witness. This turns out to be an incorrect assumption.
- Lotus Position: Linda is briefly seen meditating before Helen interrupts her.
- Major Injury Underreaction: Colin takes a bullet to the head and basically shrugs it off.
- "Metaphor" Is My Middle Name: Carole claims hers is "Professionalism" to look better on her report.
- Noodle Incident:
- Apparently a Reverend Bernie Simpson once visited the centre and sacrificed chickens in the squash court.
- Colin had to be removed from certain pool duties due to an attack of scabrous dandruff, most of which is still there.
- A year before the events of the episode, Julie happened to come across a robbery, where she was spotted by one of the robbers.
- Obstructive Bureaucrat: Brittas refuses to acknowledge Tim exists after learning that "Whistler" isn't his last name, because the DSS don't have any records of him.
- One-Shot Character: P.C. Edwards.
- Only a Flesh Wound: Colin gets a bullet to the head and isn't all too bothered about it.
- The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything: Gavin argues he should be more important than Colin because Colin is Deputy Manager Wet, but only cleans toilets because his conditions can't let him go in the pool.
- Pocket Protector: P.C. Edwards shoots Brittas three times in the chest, only for a gift from Helen to deflect the bullets.
- Poor Communication Kills: Alex' attempts to get back together with Julie might have worked out better if he didn't send her messages using strips of newspapers arranged to look like threatening Cut And Paste Notes.
- Purple Prose: Carole's report on Linda, which is... rather flowery for what is meant to be a professional report. Carole claims that it is to make it more interesting, although this doesn't stop Brittas from failing her.
- Rule of Three: Brittas ends up getting shot three times in the chest.
- Series Continuity Error: According to Brittas, Colin is still Deputy Manager Wet... even though he had been given a new job in Manager in Charge of Building Fabric back in "Blind Devotion".
- Sesquipedalian Loquaciousness: Brittas explaining the staff reviews.Mr. Brittas: The basic notion Carole, is that each one of us undertakes and delivers a free and frank appraisal of a colleague's performance. This assessment will ascertain the optimum attainment levels of that colleague in pursuance of his or her operational duty.Tim: I think he means how well we're doing in our jobs.Mr. Brittas: That's one way of putting it Tim, yes.
- Shoot Him, He Has a Wallet!: Brittas is shot by P.C. Edwards (a police bodyguard tasked with protecting Julie after an alleged death threat) for carrying a water pistol.
- Shout-Out:
- Colin calls Helen's box of miscellaneous bric-à-brac "Pandora's box".
- Colin mentions reading some of René Descartes' work.
- Brittas can be seen reading the book How To Be An Even Better Manager by Michael Armstrong.
- That Came Out Wrong: Colin's accent turns "Here's the gun and shooter" into "Here's the gun and shoot her" which gets Brittas shot three times.
- 'Tis Only a Bullet in the Brain: Colin gets shot in the head and is not only not bothered about it, but is fine by the next episode, "http://etc".
- Titled After the Song: The title is the same as a song from Oliver!
- Troll: After finding out Tim's last name is "Göebbels", Brittas starts making Nazi jokes.
- Un-person: Timothy Whistler does not legally exist according to the DSS records, so Brittas acts as if he doesn't actually exist.
- Water Guns and Balloons: Helen's gift to Ben is a water pistol, which Ben uses to squirt both Carole and Colin. It later gets mistaken for a real gun when Helen is getting everything returned and Colin throws it at her in front of Julie's bodyguard.
- Who's on First?: Brittas and Tim get stuck in a conversation about holes and wholes.Mr. Brittas: You see Tim, in a 360 degree appraisal, we're all linking arms. We're holding hands. We're coming together to build a harmonious whole.Tim: You don't build a hole do you? I mean, you dig a hole.Mr. Brittas: No, not a hole - a whole, a wah-hole.Tim: (Beat) Sorry?Mr. Brittas: A whole, not a hole in the ground, but a whole with a "W", see?Tim: A whole with a WC?
