Carole: Ladies and gentlemen, all areas R from M are off limits again, but customers are welcome, of course, to gather in reception, and avail themselves of facilities therein. Thank you, bye.
Pirate: What facilities?!
Mr. Brittas: Well, it's vending machines, a view of the car parks, a lovely floor to walk on.
— Carole Parkinson and Gordon Brittas trying to calm down an unhappy Pirate.
- Date First Aired: 23/04/1996
We open with the staff trying to get a photo taken of themselves. However, it is disrupted several times, first by Helen calling Brittas, then Colin sneezing everywhere, and then everyone having other duties to attend to. One of these duties is of a birthday pool in progress, leading to a messy pool and an angry children's entertainer pirate. Another photo attempt is ruined by bad weather, so Brittas reopens the majority of the place for the time being. At the same time, an air-raid shelter nearby needs demolishing and Brittas is seeking to get the centre classed as a Grade 1 listed building. At the same time, the photographer asks Carole to look after his equipment for the time being.
During this, Helen is preparing for a sky-jump, trying to face her fear of heights gained after Brittas once fell from an extremely high diving board. Meanwhile, Carole is able to get Ben into the party hosted by the pirate, who proves to be an obnoxious party guest. Tim comes across the miserable state of the pool and decides to go clean it up with the assistance of Colin. Meanwhile, Brittas gets Gavin to clean up the rubbish bags at the emergency exit, which he ends up putting into the air-raid shelter.
The party ends with Ben eating all of the party bags and Carole punching the pirate in the face. The sun finally comes out but Ben ends up puking into the photographer's bag. Although the heritage attempt meets difficulties, it is noted that Brittas has a prestigious shelter nearby that could achieve the status. As in, the one which is due to be demolished. Unfortunately, Brittas is distracted trying to call Helen to hear this. Tim tries to get Colin for the photoshoot but pulls too hard on the cable connecting his scuba tank, which incapacitates him. Eventually, the staff finally line up for the photo (with a cardboard cut-out of Colin of course, and with only one exposure left) but a combination of the air-raid shelter being demolished, Mr Humphries (who's taking Colin to the hospital) freaking out, and Helen sky-jumping too early lead to a catastrophic final photo.
Tropes in This Episode:
- An Arm and a Leg: Thanks to Ben getting a hold of a Flymo at one of the pirate's previous parties, the pirate now has a hook where one of his hands is meant to be, which also meant that he could no longer do Punch and Judy shows.
- Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking: Brittas hopes to give the centre heritage status like "Stonehenge, Westminister Abbey, and Brockenhurst Volleyball Centre".
- Big Eater: Ben manages to eat all 27 of the party bags.
- Big "SHUT UP!": Carole is faced with a loud group of customers complaining about the service they had at the centre. After a few seconds, she manages to shut them up with a loud "WILL YOU BE QUIET?!", and redirects them to Gavin.
- Bratty Half-Pint: This episode has Ben at his absolute worst when he is allowed to become a party guest, having a constant screaming fit and holding three girls hostage until he is allowed access to all 27 of the party bags.
- Cardboard Pal: The solution to Colin getting the Bends and not being able to come to the photoshoot as a result? Get a cardboard cut-out of Colin's head and stick it onto a mannequin's body.
- Dreaded Kids' Party Entertainer Job: The poor pirate entertainer in this episode, who has to deal with a children's party gone wrong, Ben as a nightmare party guest, and finally Carole punching him in the face.
- Epic Fail: While the other attempts at a staff photo went wrong, the final one ends up being a complete shambles with it being ruined by an explosion, an out-of-control car and Helen skydiving in the middle of it.
- Face Your Fears: Helen tries to face her fear of heights in this episode. She ends up freaking out and leaving the plane too early.
- Fake Shemp: Ben makes an on-screen appearance, but as his normal actor (Jonathon Norriss) was unavailable, only the top of his head and one of his arms is visible.
- Feeling the Baby Kick: One of the things which ruin the photo attempts is Julie's baby kicking from within her womb.
- The Food Poisoning Incident: Colin's food leads to the children having the pirate party messing up the pool with their business.
- The Ghost: Colin reveals that he has an aunt named Hettie who lives in Tasmania and a step niece called Charlene, but neither appear in the flesh.
- Green Around the Gills: Carole makes a remark on how green Ben looks before he pukes in a bag.
- Guilt-Tripping: A children's party entertainer refuses to allow Carole's young son Ben to be a party guest at a pirate-themed party being held at the centre, citing a previous Noodle Incident where Ben apparently ruined his ability to do Punch and Judy shows with a Flymo. Carole is not having any of it though, opening up Ben's cupboard in the centre to allow the entertainer to hear him crying and telling him that by not inviting him, he's allowing Ben to get a headstart in paranoia and insecurity. It works like a charm as the entertainer relents, not that this does him any good.
- Helium Speech: Colin briefly gains this after Tim pulls too hard on the cable connected to his scuba-diving tank.
- High Dive Hi Jinks: Brittas once fell from the diving board at the Crystal Palace Sports Centre (the highest in the country), with the implication that several synchronized swimmers were at least injured as a result.Helen: Ever since our honeymoon, two weeks for the price of one at the Holiday Inn, Croydon. Gordon said he wanted to be there so he could see the diving board at the Crystal Palace Sports Centre. Apparently, it's the highest in the country. There we were, right at the top, Gordon saying you just got to admire the cantilever tip-up seating system and their digital lane timers when suddenly he slipped - I think it was his Hush Puppies - and I just froze. I can see it now... standing at the top... peering over... Gordon hurtling through space... those synchronised swimmers as small as dots below.
- Horrible Honeymoon: It's revealed that during Brittas and Helen's honeymoon, Brittas, wanting to check out the highest diving board in the country, slipped off it and injured a troupe of synchronized swimmers, giving Helen a fear of heights.
- Hostage Situation: Ben holds three girls hostage in the racket locker and refuses to let them go until he is given every party bag.
- I Ate WHAT?!: Linda finds out from Colin that she accidentally ate carpet foam instead of dessert topping as she thought she ate, leading her to puke in a packet of crisps.
- I Want You to Meet an Old Friend of Mine: The pirate is played by David Ross, who's also known for playing Kryten (in his debut episode) and Talkie Toaster (in "White Hole" and "Mechocracy") in the other sitcom that Chris Barrie is best known for.
- Ill-Timed Sneeze: One attempt at the photo is ruined by Colin sneezing everywhere.
- It's Raining Men: Helen's sub-plot has her participate in a parachute jump. She ends up jumping in front of the photo.
- Jerkass Ball:
- Carole is at her worst this episode - even though the actions of her son Ben caused the apparent loss of the pirate's hand, this does not stop her from Guilt-Tripping the pirate into forcing him to let Ben be a party guest. When Ben proves to be a troublesome guest, she regards the pirate's retelling of his action with amusement, blames him for letting Ben get at the party bags, then punches him out cold.
- Ben is at his worst here as well, lopping off a man's hand with a lawnmower off-screen, hitting Carole with his (presumably) toy sword, throwing a constant tantrum at a party, and seeing fit to hold several girls hostage.
- Karma Houdini: Ben's actions at the last party given to him lead to the pirate apparently being crippled for life, but there is no mention of him ever being punished for his actions, with Carole even managing to guilt-trip the pirate into having him as a guest. Even when Ben manages to be a nightmare party guest, to the point of holding several girls hostage, the most punishment he gets is becoming nauseous from eating too many party bags.
- Last-Second Photo Failure: The episode centres around Brittas' attempts to get a staff photo taken, but it keeps being ruined by trivial things, such as Julie's baby kicking and Colin sneezing. At the end, one final attempt is made, only to get ruined by the staff being distracted by an exploding bomb shelter, a car driving back into the frame, and Helen parachuting into the photo.
- Mama Bear: Carole punches out the pirate for allowing Ben access to the party bags, telling the pirate how bad it would be for Ben's teeth.
- Mama Didn't Raise No Criminal: Downplayed, as Ben is more of a Bratty Half-Pint in this episode, but Carole regards Ben's actions at the party with amusement and blames the pirate for giving him the party bags rather than Ben for putting the pirate in that situation by holding three girls hostage in the first place. Even beforehand, she dismisses Ben's behaviour at the pirate's previous party as him being high-spirited, although even she seems horrified when she sees just what Ben had done to the pirate's hand.
- Morning Sickness: The photographer mentions morning sickness as one of the things holding back the photoshoot.
- Nervous Wreck: Following a recent trip to the Isle of Iona, Humphries hasn't gotten reacclimatized yet and freaks out at anything loud.
- Nice Job Breaking It, Hero: Brittas causes Helen to jump out of the skydiving plane too early which adds to the failure of the final photo attempt.
- No Name Given: The pirate's name is never given.
- Noodle Incident:
- The last party that the pirate gave for Ben, which somehow ended with Ben getting hold of a Flymo and the pirate no longer being able to do Punch and Judy shows.
- Brittas did something during VE celebrations which was remembered by the RAF.
- Brittas' and Helen's honeymoon, which ended with Brittas falling from the tallest diving board in the country and being implied to have injured a troupe of synchronised dancers.
- Tim mentions that the Whitbury Scuba Club haven’t been to the centre since the staff covered the pool for the night with them still in it, but how this incident came to occur isn’t explained.
- One-Shot Character: Mr. Humphries.
- Putting the Pee in Pool: Colin's contaminated food leads to the children having the party doing their business in the pool.
- Season Finale: Of Series 6.
- Shout-Out:
- 2 fleeing pool-goers ask for Colin's autograph off-screen thinking that they saw him off A Nightmare on Elm Street.
- According to Brittas, Helen has a picture of a Norwegian lady with a scream on her face on top of the mantelpiece.
- The Pirate used to be able to do Punch and Judy shows before Ben got his hands on a Flymo at a previous party.
- The photographer tells Brittas they've done more positions for the staff photo than in the Karma Sutra.
- Simple Solution Won't Work: Brittas is trying to get a photoshoot of his staff taken at the same time as a children's party, an air raid shelter that needs to be demolished, and an attempt to give the centre heritage status. When Gavin asks why they can't just move it into the next day, Brittas states that doing so would require moving the air conditioning check into the afternoon slot, which would lead to the postponement of the Arbos Whitbury Branch semi-final draw to the following day, which has implications for the local security review and other events. When Tim then points out just moving the shoot into the afternoon slot, Brittas argues that that can't be the case as an afternoon slot needs to be kept open to get everyone's breath back.
- Stress Vomit: The fear of having to go skydive is heavily implied to have driven Helen to go to the toilet and puke.
- Take That!: Being told of a pool that has been used as the toilet and has pieces of food and wrappers floating in it makes Julie nostalgic for Blackpool beach.
- Talk to the Fist: Carole punches the pirate in the face when Ben ends up eating all of the party bags under his watch.
- Tranquil Fury: Carole sounds extremely calm as she explains to the pirate how he had done a very bad thing for letting her son eat all the party bags before casually punching him in the face.
- Vomit Discretion Shot:
- Linda's response to finding out she accidentally ate carpet foam is to puke in a crisp bag, although none of the puke is thankfully seen.
- Helen is heavily implied to have puked in the toilet several times over the fear of having to skydive, although these are never seen.
- Later, Ben pukes into the bag holding the photographer's film, although all we see of it is his hand pushing it towards him and the sound of puking.
- What Happened to the Mouse?: Tim mentions to Brittas about attempting to get a franchise for the canteen, with the photo being taken being described as his "farewell photo". This is never followed up on in any future episodes.
