- Date First Aired: 10/01/1994
It's Life Cycle Week at Whitbury and Sebastian Coe has come to the centre to film a piece on it. During filming, however, an old man who was due to start a 56-mile long cycle ends up dying before he can leave the car park.
Brittas plans to invite Sebastian to open a new room in the centre's new sports wing. After he is informed by Colin of their cyclist's death, Brittas decides to calm down the widow (as well as being able to rope Sebastian into opening the room). He comes across a single mother and her child and offers them the "single swimmer's special", which is a special offer for swimming. As he leaves, Helen arrives, having passed a war reenaction of the Second Punic War by the Classical War Society, and is planning to go on a trip to the seaside with Carole. However, it turns out that Ben has escaped into the ventilation system using a junior carpentry set.
Brittas takes Coe to the room to be opened, which is actually a toilet. However, he spots a young boy running loose and not having paid his fees in the centre, which he proceeds to try to capture and hold. During the commotion, he advises Colin to lock the boy up.
Brittas tries to calm the grieving widow his usual way - through bereavement leaflets. However, a centurion comes into the centre. Apparently, the child which Brittas captured was his son and he wants him released. However, Brittas stands his ground and refuses to release the child. Julie warns him however that holding children hostage can release some primal emotions...
As Carole and Helen are discussing what to do about the situation with Ben, the single mother and child come back, wanting to play badminton now, and the daughter, Jenna, is given sunglasses as a friendliness award. Oh, and they're the one-thousandth customer, which entitles them to a free meal at the canteen.
It's not long before the classical war society starts to besiege the centre, and Brittas' attempts to get them to leave prove to be in vain. Brittas finds out that Colin had locked up the wrong person - Sebastian Coe to be precise. As they try to free him (especially since Coe has to go to a no-confidence vote), they find that the lock is a combination lock, and the only person who knows it is the cyclist's widow. However, it's not too long before Brittas is distracted by an army of about a thousand attacking the centre, complete with an elephant, ending with Laura being forced to give up the boy.
Brittas is distraught at the turn of events, which doesn't help when he finds out that he'd forgotten that Sebastian Coe is still chained up (although Carole and Helen were able to retrieve Ben). Thankfully for Brittas, the single mother and her child have had a wonderful time and they thank Brittas for it, which cheers him right back up.
Tropes featured in this episode:
- Acquired Error at the Printer: The badges which are supposed to say "I Pedaled for a Medal" instead say "I Piddled for a Medal".
- Action Girl: Linda arms herself with a bow and arrow to defend the centre.
- Added Alliterative Appeal: The "Single Swimmer's Special", a deal which the struggling mother and child utilise to have a fun day out in the centre.
- Air-Vent Passageway: Ben manages to escape from his cupboard and into the ventilation system of the centre.
- As Himself: Sebastian Coe plays himself.
- Battering Ram: The centurions are mentioned to be using a battering ram to gain access to the Leisure Centre, which can later be seen as Brittas surveys the damage.
- Brandishment Bluff: Brittas is initially able to repel away the centurion by threatening him with a button which when released will alert three members of staff who are highly trained in martial arts to come to his aid. It's not until he leaves however that Brittas reveals that he was merely bluffing the man.
- Bring the Anchor Along: Sebastian Coe is still dragging along the stair railing he was locked to as he leaves the centre after The Siege.
- Chekhov's Gun: The dog carrier cage, first introduced by Carole as a means of transporting Ben to the seaside before he disappeared into the vents, is eventually used as part of a trap to get him out of there.
- Code Emergency: Code Black is called, which according to Helen, means the outbreak of civil disturbance in the centre, with the centre to be used as a rallying point for those who are still loyal to the crown.
- Distressed Dude: Sebastian Coe ends up chained to a stair railing while the centre is invaded by a Roman army.
- Fictional Document: Brittas' leaflet on bereavement, Losing a Loved One - Ten Ways to Look on the Bright Side.
- The Ghost: The Classical War Society are mentioned to have an elephant helping attack the centre, although it is never seen onscreen.
- Heroic BSoD: Brittas briefly has one after the centre is attacked and trashed by Romans, but he's back to his old self once a poor single mother thanks him for having a lovely day with her daughter in his leisure centre.
- I Need a Freaking Drink: Julie emphatically pulls out a bottle of whisky for the grieving Mrs. Holroyd whilst Brittas is sent away to deal with The Siege occurring outside of the centre.
- Ladder Tipping: Linda does this to a legion of centurions who were about to get into the centre (with the help of a mop of course).
- Lured into a Trap: Carole and Helen eventually manage to retrieve Ben from the ventilation system by setting his dog carrier up like a trap outside of an exit in the gymnasium room, with sweets and a dinosaur toy intended to lure him into the carrier before the trap sets off and he's stuck inside it.
- Man Bites Man: Ben is revealed to get nippy when unsettled, to the point that Carole has to handle him with gloves when he gets into that state.
- Meaningful Background Event: At the beginning of the episode, as Sebastian Coe is speaking, Mr. Holroyd is seen getting on a bike with Colin and several others in attendance, beginning a marathon, and promptly dying in the background, setting up the plot of Brittas trying to console his widow.
- Mistaken Identity: Brittas asks Colin to take the bicycle lock and lock up an 8-year-old boy. Unfortunately, he describes the kid only as having a blue tracksuit and being in the weights room, and it's a description which is quite similar to that of Sebastian Coe...
- Nice Job Breaking It, Hero: Brittas provokes a Roman recreational society into attacking the centre.
- Namesake Institution: Played for Laughs when Brittas names a new washroom in the leisure centre after real-life Conservative MP Sebastian Coe. He even gets the actual man himself, who is at the centre anyway to shoot a documentary, to come in and do the ribbon cutting for it.
- Noodle Incident:
- Carole has an Oh, No... Not Again! reaction when Helen realises that Ben has managed to make his way into the ventilation system, although she doesn't elaborate any further on this.
- Sebastian needs to get back soon to participate in a no-confidence vote. What exactly did the current government do then that necessitated such a vote?
- Apparently, this isn't the first time this week that the police have been called to the centre, although Laura doesn't elaborate any further on this.
- One-Shot Character: Sebastian Coe, Wendy and Jenna.
- Papa Wolf: The entire reason the centurion releases the society on the centre is that Brittas is holding his son under citizen's arrest and refusing to release him.
- Politician Guest-Star: Sebastian Coe was an actual British MP in 1994 when the episode first aired.
- Ribbon-Cutting Ceremony: Brittas is able to rope Sebastian Coe into one of these for a room that they named after him... as in a men's washroom.
- Shout-Out: Brittas accidentally remembers Steve Ovett's gold medal win when trying to recall any of Sebastian Coe's.
- The Siege: In the latter part of the episode, the Leisure Centre undergoes a siege by a legion of Roman War Reenactors attempting to save a child from the Centre.
- Something We Forgot: The siege is so dramatic that Brittas doesn't remember that Sebastian Coe is currently chained to a stair railing until Julie gives him the number to unlock the bicycle lock keeping him there.
- Straying Baby: Downplayed, as Ben is closer to the age of a toddler at this point in the series, but he still manages to saw a hole into the ventilation system of the centre and starts crawling around through them, much to the concern of Carole.
- Struggling Single Mother: The mother and child who pursue the centre's facilities throughout the episode, since it's stated that she doesn't have a lot of money.
- Surprisingly Happy Ending: The episode seems to end on a sad note, with Romans having besieged the centre, Brittas actually being deeply affected by it, and him failing to give a commemorative cup to Sebastian Coe. Then, he's greeted by the mother and child who had been pursuing the facilities all day, who genuinely thank him for the wonderful day they had and cheer him right back up.
- Take That!: The British Government at the time is apparently so incompetent now that a vote of no confidence is being held for it.
- Tempting Fate: Brittas assumes that the Roman centurians are bluffing and that they're not going to attack the Leisure Centre. The exact instant Brittas voices these views, he's almost killed by an arrow crashing into the wall beside him.
- Throw the Dog a Bone: The episode ends with a single mother and her child thanking Brittas for the lovely day they had at his centre.
- Umpteenth Customer: The single parent and her daughter turn out to be the one-thousandth customer at the centre, which gives them a free meal at the canteen.
- War Elephants: An elephant apparently participates in the siege of the Leisure Centre, although it doesn't appear on-screen.
- War Reenactors: The Classical War Society (who were re-enacting the Roman era) besiege the centre (complete with an elephant).
- What Happened to the Mouse?: Helen is initially at the centre to take Carole and Ben to the beach, which ends up being hindered when Ben disappears into the ventilation system. After he is lured out, he is unceremoniously dumped back into his cupboard without any further mention of whether they were still going to the seaside or not.
- Wrongfully Attributed: Brittas misattributes Sebastian Coe's achievements as he's leading him to the bathroom.Mr. Brittas: My staff will really appreciate this you know, Sebastian. Surprisingly enough, a few of them are actually old enough to remember some o' your greatest athletic triumphs. Like the gold medal, Moscow Olympics, 800 metres.Sebastian Coe: I didn't actually win that one.Mr. Brittas: No, that was Steve Ovett, wasn't it? Still, you got your revenge in Los Angeles, didn't you? (Beat) No, someone else won that as well, didn' 'e?
